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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ditch the lot of them over a wedding invite?

92 replies

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 12:36

Basically I've had enough of being sidelined and forgotten about and made to feel like shit by my family. They are all outgoing, centre of attention, everyone loves them people but they hurt me all the time. If I say anything then I'm being 'too sensitive'. I feel like I don't exist when it comes to my family, apart from being the butt of their 'jokes'.

Now my sister is getting married in December and because of 'restrictions on numbers' DH and I have only been invited to the evening do, my 2 children are not invited. My other 2 sisters and 3 brothers, their partners and all their kids have been invited to the whole event, as have several of my parents neighbours.

This isn't a one off, it's the final straw in a long line of really hurtful things where my feelings are marginalised and I'm made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I have AS so am already extremely isolated, cutting my family off will mean I have no social contact beyond DH and my children. It seems quite extreme but I just don't know how to protect my mental health anymore.

OP posts:

TheWitTank · 14/10/2014 14:46

Ditch ditch ditch.
They sound horrendous OP. Don't go to the wedding, if asked simply say "we can't get childcare" and leave it at that. Then just get on with enjoying your life with your husband and children without them. My DH is nc with his parents and much the happier for it.

skinnyamericano · 14/10/2014 14:52

I think that this is the perfect opportunity to go 'no contact'. Sometimes you just need a catalyst to make that final decision - grab it with both hands and concentrate on your own little happy family.

Lottapianos · 14/10/2014 14:54

'My mum doesn't get involved in the bullying directly but I feel like she condones it by sitting on the fence and allowing it happen'

She is an enabler as Iforgot said and just as guilty as the rest of them. They sound truly foul OP. As for the wedding, deal with it in the way that works best for you. If you think there will be massive fallout if you don't go, and you can't face dealing with it, then go but start distancing yourself from them straight after. If you don't want to go to the wedding, just don't go. Time to start putting yourself first. You don't have to continue being the butt of their jokes or providing them with entertainment.

Re your AS diagnosis, I suffer from depression and anxiety and have done all my life. I am 100% convinced that that is down to my upbringing and that there is nothing innate about it in my case. I was set up to be unhappy and full of self doubt, I wasn't made this way. It might be worth thinking a bit more about what you feel the cause of your difficulties might be.

Looiloo79 · 14/10/2014 14:55

That's awful op. I can imagine how you are feeling as I've experienced similar with my family.

I would refuse to go yo the wedding full stop. They can't treat you like this it isn't fair!

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2014 15:06

I personally would not go. Why put yourself through that and upset yourself. They will probably be vile to you there, again your parents will enable this behaviour.

andsmile · 14/10/2014 15:07

Oh OP that is so awful. They dont sound very nice at all.

Have you read the stately homes threads - there are lots of people in similar situations to you on there.

I hope you get away from them - Im sorry to say this as it is your family. I dont believe in unconditional love and loyalty between family members.

Some people have very small families and/or little contact. You dont nescearily need a big family network to be happy. Though I bet once you get a bit of self worth and confidence back you, in time, will make friends that become your family.

I do have my DM but in difficult times I have found my friends to step up and be, in some ways more supportive than my DM is able to be. What I'm trying to say is you will be ok with out them - better

VanGogh · 14/10/2014 16:44

How would you feel if somebody put tape over your DC's mouth and laughed at them, encouraging others todo so too? This is not a loving family. Ditch them. Please. They're toxic

Notnastypasty · 14/10/2014 16:46

How horrible for you, think life would be a lot easier if you cut them out - YANBU.

Rafflesway · 14/10/2014 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shushpenfold · 14/10/2014 17:08

OP - don't go, cut ties and go and have a happy life with your dh and children. Don't look back and grow stronger......they sounds horrific and abusive.

Spaceboundeminem · 14/10/2014 17:12

We wnt no contact with DH family because of a NPD violent alcoholic mother with a severe sence of entitlement best thing we ever did. Dh has as too and they used to rip the piss out of him, used to make my blood boil.

Don't think twice about it go NC.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/10/2014 17:19

You are not being unreasonable, SidelinedSister. I do think you should turn down the invitation and, indeed, 'ditch the whole lot of them'.

I understand that it is a huge step, especially as you say

"am already extremely isolated, cutting my family off will mean I have no social contact beyond DH and my children"

but have you considered that that this damaging and destructive relationship you have with your family might be exacerbating the situation and, in fact, isolating you more?

You already know that they are not going to provide the social support you need, so bite the bullet ... say 'no' to the invitation and make the decision to seek some social support and contact from outwith the family unit! I'm sure mumsnet will be able to suggest possible ways of doing that.

Can I just add, as TTTatty, KeemaNaanAndCurryOn and am sure others have suggested, when you turn down the invitation you do point out that to be the only sibling (together with family) who has not been invited to the whole event is incredibly hurtful and, although you wish them all well in the future, you would rather not be with them on that basis, either at their Evening Wedding Reception or, if also done in this way, at any other family gathering.

Be strong, SidelinedSister

Viviennemary · 14/10/2014 17:22

You are only being inviting to the evening of your own sister's wedding. I'd tell the lot of them to take a hike. Cheeky bunch. When people are so cruel and hurtful there comes a time when you say no more and cut them off. IMHO.

Thumbwitch · 14/10/2014 17:25

Oh please, please don't go.
If they delight in tripping you and your DH up socially, then by the time you get there for the evening do I'm sure they'll mostly be 3 sheets to the wind with alcohol anyway, and it will be just so much more unpleasant and overt.

You have absolutely no obligation to put up with that sort of treatment, so I would definitely not go at all, and then refuse further contact.

Your mother may not be as abusive as the rest - but your father?? Sellotaping your mouth shut? WTAF?! - but she has condoned it and allowed it to continue, and you have become the family scapegoat, a position that you do not have to accept any longer.

Tell them all to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more!

WerkSupp · 14/10/2014 17:28

No way I would go to the wedding. Arses.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 14/10/2014 17:33

fuck me - disown them all and i don't say that lightly

nobody needs shit like that - you will be better on your own

(a big unmumsnetty hug)

BitOutOfPractice · 14/10/2014 17:37

Oh OP how hurtful and cruel of them. I am gobsmacked by it!

I would wash my hands of them after this

inlectorecumbit · 14/10/2014 17:38

I wouldn't bother replying-they have probably only invited you to bring to your attention how little you mean to them and the family.
Don't contact them at all-wait till they contact you-if at all. If they ask if you are going say no. No reason to explain, remember no is a complete sentence and they already know why you are not going.
You will probably find your AS will dramatically improve when you go no contact.

ThePinkOcelot · 14/10/2014 17:39

My god, that is disgusting!!

outofcontrol2014 · 14/10/2014 17:40

Another post to say: I understand how you feel. My family are also like this, a clique from which I am excluded. It hurts like hell. I don't have advice, because I haven't resolved it completely myself, other than to say that the idea of putting walls up so that they cause me less pain over time seems to be having some effect.

TheRealMaryMillington · 14/10/2014 17:45

Fucking hell. Some people are really so horrible.

OP, you deserve better than this.

Don't go. (It would be too difficult to get a babysitter, wouldn't it?)

Your parents should be ashamed of themselves for allowing crap like this to go on. Do you have a better relationship with any of the siblings?

I have no family (so in no place to advise) but surely releasing yourself from the emotional damage these people are inflicting would allow you the space to address your feelings of isolation, and make your own family (whether those people are related or not).

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2014 17:46

"cutting my family off will mean I have no social contact beyond DH and my children"
That might seem daunting, but let's change that a little. 'Throwing out those shoes, because they're not the right size and leave my feet sore and bleeding, means I can only walk barefoot in my garden and not down those dark alleys with the broken glass all over the place.'

Don't keep these people in your life because you imagine it will be worse without them. I really don't see how it could be. Continuing my analogy, work on getting some new shoes . Think about ways you could meet new people; joining a club, night classes, via your DC (most of my current friends I met at my son's primary school playground).

Your life can be, and deserves to be, better than the one they force upon you.

ElsieMc · 14/10/2014 17:48

How absolutely horrible for you. Do not go. Your DH, yourself and your children are worth more than this and you need to protect them from your ghastly, cruel and bullying family. You have your own family now who do not put you down and hurt you. You need to cut them off now. You will only feel relief, not isolation I promise you.

SirRaymondClench · 14/10/2014 17:52

You sound lovely Op.
Please don't spend another moment of your life in the company of this malignant collection of cunts.
Decline the invite and decline anything further to do with any of them, they sound vile.

Itsfab · 14/10/2014 17:57

No family is better than one that hates you and treats you like shit.

Please use this as a way to get free.

Don't go to the wedding, tell them why if you want and tell everyone who asks but don't care too much as they don't care about you and you won't be around to listen to their crappy voices any more.

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