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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ditch the lot of them over a wedding invite?

92 replies

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 12:36

Basically I've had enough of being sidelined and forgotten about and made to feel like shit by my family. They are all outgoing, centre of attention, everyone loves them people but they hurt me all the time. If I say anything then I'm being 'too sensitive'. I feel like I don't exist when it comes to my family, apart from being the butt of their 'jokes'.

Now my sister is getting married in December and because of 'restrictions on numbers' DH and I have only been invited to the evening do, my 2 children are not invited. My other 2 sisters and 3 brothers, their partners and all their kids have been invited to the whole event, as have several of my parents neighbours.

This isn't a one off, it's the final straw in a long line of really hurtful things where my feelings are marginalised and I'm made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I have AS so am already extremely isolated, cutting my family off will mean I have no social contact beyond DH and my children. It seems quite extreme but I just don't know how to protect my mental health anymore.

OP posts:

Davsmum · 14/10/2014 13:05

That sounds awful! Is there some sort of history that would make them leave you out in this way? Do they dislike your DH or have you ever caused any trouble that they are worried you may do again?

Whatever the reason,..it is blatant hostility to have your siblings and even neighbours invited to the whole event whilst you are restricted to an evening invitation.
Personally I would not accept the invitation. It is better to have no family than one that causes you so much hurt.

Littlegreyauditor · 14/10/2014 13:13

The only reason you feel obliged to allow these people to repeatedly snub you and treat you badly, OP, is the presence of shared DNA. They have no problem hurting you though, in spite of that link.

Stop bothering with them. It's very liberating, honestly. Assholes are everywhere, some poor sod has to be related to them and it looks like you got the short straw.

MrsDrJohnWatson · 14/10/2014 13:25

Are you sure you have AS and it isn't actually just that the rest of your family have narcissistic personality disorders?

Pinot4me · 14/10/2014 13:27

I would take it as a clear indication about how she feels about you. It's so unbelievably hurtful that, whatever the circumstances, your parents and siblings think this is acceptable behaviour towards one of their own...I'm so sad for you. Walk away!

Turningscrews · 14/10/2014 13:28

Strongly recommend heading over to the stately homes thread in relationships - you will get a lot of support there from people who have experienced similar.

And also think NC is probably the best way to protect your mental health. Good luckxx

LookingThroughTheFog · 14/10/2014 13:29

I suppose I should be grateful I even got an invite.

No. You should save your grateful for when genuinely nice things happen to you because of other people being nice to you.

I suppose the question is, would you miss them if you were no longer a part of it all. And would you use the wedding as an opportunity to make that stand?

They're genuine questions that only you could answer (I'd probably stomach the wedding just to avoid being called a drama queen, then just disassociate myself, but each person is different).

To answer your question though, no, I don't think you're unreasonable to ditch them. I would suggest that you don't see this as 'only' a wedding invite. There is a history here, and you have to decide whether you've been though enough to call it quits.

dinkystinky · 14/10/2014 13:32

Cut all ties - they are horrible and treat you horribly. You'll be happier without them

crje · 14/10/2014 13:35

Please don't go

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2014 13:35

I would tell your parents about the invite. Going by their party they might not be fully aware of the situation of your siblings.

Original poster

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 13:37

They hate my DH because he's not like them and take the piss out of him mercilessly. DH has Asperger's and takes things very literally so they use this to trip him up and all laugh about it behind his back, same as they do to me.

My mum doesn't get involved in the bullying directly but I feel like she condones it by sitting on the fence and allowing it happen. She never says anything, like when I was little and my dad would stick sellotape on my mouth to stop me talking and the other rolled around laughing at it. Or when my uncle's drunken violent girlfriend smashed my windows and threatened me with a knife and I had to call the police. A week later I go round to my parents and she's sat there having lunch with them.

OP posts:

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 14/10/2014 13:37

"Thank you for the invite, but I'm sure you can imagine that being the only sibling not invited to the whole event is hurtful, as Im sure you would be hurt if you were in my position.

I wish you all the best for your wedding day, and for your life ahead with xxxx, but DH and I will be declining your invitation."

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 14/10/2014 13:39

After reading that update, fold the invite into a sharp point and shove it up their arses.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2014 13:40

They all sound toxic sidelined, I woukd just distance myself from them. Your mum is no better supporting this.

Seafoam · 14/10/2014 13:40

Oh OP. How absolutely awful. Yes. Ditch the lot of them

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2014 13:41

They just sound like a bunch of bullies, this has continued during adulthood.

Hissy · 14/10/2014 13:42

^ what KeemaNaan said. absolutely.

seasavage · 14/10/2014 13:50

Don't even bother to reply OP, it seems like a dig rather than an invite (when you mention the history). You don't have to engage with this crap. Just drop them all. The suggestion of spending the money on a lovely family day out is a good one. Bloody enjoy yourselves. Celebrate your current family and that you are there for each other.

DontTurnAround · 14/10/2014 13:51

Holy Fuck sidelined seriously save yourself the heartache and the moeny bin them all off before Christmas and use the money you will save on something nice for you, your DH and children.

They are evil, selfish, nasty wankers! I am actually so angry on your behalf how dare they treat you this way!?! You do not need them and I'm willing to be your life will be happier without them.

Have a search for some local groups in your area, mums & toddlers, book groups etc. You'll make some friends in no time xx

Original poster

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 13:53

Are you sure you have AS and it isn't actually just that the rest of your family have narcissistic personality disorders?

I do sometimes wonder about this. I got my diagnosis as an adult after years of various therapies for 'depression'. I think it fits completely but sometimes wonder if I would be the same if I'd grown up in a nurturing environment. That said my DD is very similar to me and she also has AS.

I would bet everything I own on the fact that my younger brother has narcissistic personality disorder and I'm pretty sure that the older one is a functioning sociopath (I think that's the right term). He really scares me. The others, I don't know, they just seem to follow the pack.

OP posts:

MehsMum · 14/10/2014 13:57

Oh, OP, that is all so sad! All the siblings get to go to the wedding but not you? Tell them to bugger off: when people treat you like dirt, shared DNA is no reason at all to hang around until they treat you like dirt again.

ImaginaryPoster · 14/10/2014 14:00

My family were similar to this, I haven't spoken to them in years and am 100% happier than I could of imagined without them.

What did it for me was thinking about how it looks to my DC. I didn't want them to witness it.

I live close to them and had months of ignoring in the supermarket but just completely blanking them worked eventually. When they arrived at the house, I opened the door, quickly said 'no thank you' as I would to any stranger at my door and closed it. I was advised to write letters first but I felt they would be used against me, so literally one morning woke up and stopped contact.

Iforgottotellyou · 14/10/2014 14:02

You need to cut them off. Your mother is what's known as an enabler. I have a mother like that and a toxic sister. Unfortunately your toxic sister has put you in an awkward position. She will not look bad because she has invited you. You on the other hand will look bad if you don't go. This has been done deliberately. This is because of the type of family you have, and you will never ever win, no matter how hard you try, no matter how nice and normal you are. I know how hard it is to cut family off, it goes against all our natural instincts to do it because we are nice, but you know deep down this behaviour will continue. You are what's known as the scapegoat of the family. I've been googling it a lot lately due to my own issues.

Davsmum · 14/10/2014 14:02

There is something wrong with your family!
There is not much you can do to change them - if anything, so I wouldn't bother trying.
Use your energy trying to meet people who are welcoming and friendly - join some groups that are involved in stuff that interests you.
The more outside support you have then the less you will have to rely on your family for social contact.
Only when you break off contact with them will you be able to feel good about yourself.

DayLillie · 14/10/2014 14:18

Your family sound awful. It is probably worse as there are so many siblings and they reinforce each other's bad behaviour. This probably will not change easily and you cannot make it happen.

I would find out more about how families work, more about learning good social skills (it does not sound like they have been good nurturing teachers for you). Then use this so you and your DH can bring up your own happy family together.

Find things you can go to and groups you can join so that you have things to do and people to see.

As for the wedding, either go along for a short while and say hello to the nice people there, then go. Keep the family at a distance. Or if that is too hard, just don't go and don't see them. But make sure you are looking after yourself first.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/10/2014 14:44

I think ditching the lot of them sounds like a very, very good idea. They are toxic, and I wouldn't want to be around them .

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