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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours tantruming child, would it be unreasonable to talk to them?

89 replies

sketchbomb · 13/10/2014 19:46

Our next door neighbours have a toddler, and he's seriously cute to look at but he's been having daily (often several times a day) tantrums when they put him to bed. I know kids go through difficult periods and I know from experience with relatives/friends kids that they can be noisy. But this has been happening every day now for four months. In the evenings when they put him to bed he can sometimes manage to scream and yell for up to two hours, and even when he finally exhausts himself and sleeps he'll wake up around 2/3 am and have another little session.

My bedroom is on the other side of the wall from his, and he's honestly so loud that even through earplugs he's often woke me up in the middle of the night with the noise. As I type he's been screaming "daddy, mummy" for 30 mins non stop.

I live with some friends and we're all young professionals but we never have noisy late parties or blast music at people because we all enjoy a quieter lifestyle. I don't want to be the unsympathetic neighbour, but the noise he makes is starting to really get to us all, and its been incessant for months now. I'd like to think they're doing all they can but I really don't believe they are. Leaving him to scream for hours on end clearly isnt working.

Would I be unreasonable to go speak to them about it? How would I even broach the subject? The only contact they ever made with us was to ask if we'd keep an eye on the house for the week it was empty before they moved in, and since then nothing. I dont want them to get defensive, but it is unfair that we're all suffering his tantrums as well.

OP posts:

EEVEElution · 13/10/2014 19:50

What's your general impression of the neighbors from what you've seen of them so far? Would they tell you to F off if you mentioned it?

formerbabe · 13/10/2014 19:52

Well I'm sure as soon as you mention it to them, they will be able to put a stop to the tantrums. Good idea

Original poster

sketchbomb · 13/10/2014 19:54

EEVEElution, no not the type to get aggressive, but they might get defensive and tell me to suck it up because kids. They're actually quite posh, the child is spoiled. I dont want to make an atmosphere between us but I really am struggling to sit back and put up with it. If it was a barking dog I would have reported it a long time ago, but kids are a more sensitive matter.

OP posts:

Original poster

sketchbomb · 13/10/2014 19:56

formerbabe, I'm not suggesting they can just make it stop instantly, but do they even realise what a nuisance it is to everyone else? I thought etiquette in these situations was to call over and apologise to neighbours for stuff like that?

OP posts:

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 13/10/2014 19:57

What do you actually expect them to do about it, though? Gag the child?

I think you need to be very, very careful with how you word it. The only thing they could perhaps do differently is go in to see the toddler as soon as they start shouting in the night - but how do you know they aren't doing that already?

SolomanDaisy · 13/10/2014 19:57

Since he's crying out for them, I'd guess they're leaving him to try and get to sleep on his own and he doesn't like it. In which case they can do something about it. It might not work, but they could try. In those circumstances, depending on the kind of people they are, it might be worth talking to them and mentioning it wakes you up. I say that as the mother of a tantrumming toddler. But I'm guessing they are the type who will say he needs to learn and it will stop eventually.

PinkSparklyShit · 13/10/2014 20:04

Sorry, YABU. Sleep training is really hard sometimes and worse for the poor parents.

ohmothermaidenheadi · 13/10/2014 20:20

after 4 months whatever they are trying isnt working. id say something to them.
and yes it will be worse for the parents, but they are making the choice to deal with it in the way the want, the op has no say and is being affected by it daily.

CarryOnDancing · 13/10/2014 20:21

If tell them to give their sleep training a rest and take some parent training myself. I can't stand this lazy approach. Crying for comfort isn't naughty/a tantrum.

I really feel for you because that must be distressing and think you are well within your rights to mention it.

I think I'd say "it's most likely that you don't realise how much noise passes through the walls but we can hear your little boy crying out for you every night. I really don't want things to be awkward and I'm sure things are hard enough but it's really disruptive and if I'm honest, distressing".

Hopefully you will be doing the boy a favour too!

Minikievs · 13/10/2014 20:27

I did think YWBU but actually now you mention the barking dog, I don't think YABU. You're right, you'd definitely have complained about a barking dog for four months every night. Not entirely sure what you will actually achieve other than pissing them off/embarassing them but you are right when you say that they maybe should've knocked and spoken to you about it, rather than you having to approach them.

IsItMeOr · 13/10/2014 20:28

Seriously, you think that they aren't at least as inconvenienced by this as you are?

That they haven't spotted for 4 months that this is still going on?

Seriously?

It sounds horrible for you, but I would be incredibly surprised if the parents aren't already doing everything that they can think of to make this stop. Unless you are super nanny, I'm not sure what you can do to help.

DS was like this when he was that age. We always went to him, but nothing we did seemed to make much difference. If it's night terrors, you just have to ride it out.

formerbabe · 13/10/2014 20:29

I'm sure if they could have stopped the tantrums then they would have done so.

misselphaba · 13/10/2014 20:33

To my neighbours, it probably sounds as if DD is left on her own shouting for me at the top of her lungs but I'm usually right next to her! You have no way of knowing what's going on and I'm sure they're mortified enough as it is about bothering the neighbours without you going round to give them a parenting lesson.

BBear · 13/10/2014 20:33

Had the same problem w little girl next door. Waking my son (same age) up constantly. 2-3 hours 3x a week at least - he often didn't get to sleep til 9pm. The Mum was apologetic and I smiled and sympathised - up to a point. After 18 months - unable to work properly (freelance writer toddler at home during day) because I was constantly resettling him and telling him not to be scared (the wailing was really horrific) I couldn't put up with it any more. I went round with a pile of sleep books and told her that it just wasn't on. Said Knew it was terrible for them but they had to put their foot down. she said she'd tried everything but I asked pls could she move her kid (we couldn't move ours as no other room) or get a sleep nanny in (they were reasonably well off) as it was unreasonable for our life to be so blighted by her kids screaming. I was firm, not shouty and clearly desperate. She had no idea how bad it was as I'd tried to be understanding but was now at breaking point. The screaming stopped three nights later. Think the kid heard in her voice that she actually meant it this time and shut up.

MrsAtticus · 13/10/2014 20:37

I was in this situation but I was the neighbour with the screaming child! We hadn't had much contact with out neighbours before, but they came round and told us as nicely as possible that our little boy was waking them up in the night and it was making them tired at work etc. We felt awful, and found other ways to manage it (we also slept in a different room so we we were no longer the other side of the wall from them). So there are things that can be done and if they are reasonable they should be happy to try and put it right.

LynetteScavo · 13/10/2014 20:37

But these aren't tantrums, these are a child calling for attention.

I don't know what the answer is, but the whole things sounds . I doubt the parents are having a laugh while this is going on. Is this what sleep training involves? I'm glad I just gave in to my DC and stayed with them.

I would gently drop in to conversation you can hear what is going on, but I doubt it will have any effect. If it's been going on this long the parents must be pretty confident it will work eventually.

MissYamabuki · 13/10/2014 20:37

DD used to have night terrors. She would scream form me while I as sitting next to her petrified at the violence and wondering if her cot would survive it was heartbreaking

OP, you could approach the with a "sounds like you're having a hard time with [child's name]". That way

Lottapianos · 13/10/2014 20:38

Good grief OP, I would have gone insane by now! Definitely not unreasonable to raise it with them calmly. This is not something you should just be expected to put up with - you said yourself if it was a barking dog you would have been round already. And its not down to you to solve this problem for them either.

MyFairyKing · 13/10/2014 20:39

YANBU but on MN, you get a load of people wailing in empathy with the poor parents yet having limited empathy for the person (neighbour) who has zero control over the situation.

BrianButterfield · 13/10/2014 20:40

Sleep training does not take four months! Four nights maybe. It sounds like they're shutting the door and leaving him to it - in our house you can barely hear crying children from downstairs whereas sounds carry through the walls to next door easily.

MissYamabuki · 13/10/2014 20:41

Stupid phone

That way they'll understand you can hear everything and you'll come accross as understanding?

My sympathies, I hate noise and have a screaming, tantrumming-at-bedtime toddler so can see both sides

NoMarymary · 13/10/2014 20:44

I would certainly mention it and perhaps they would be able to move his cot to a room away from you.

Of course they are also suffering sleepless nights but he is their child and it goes with the territory. You need to work and function too and 4 months is ridiculous.

Original poster

sketchbomb · 13/10/2014 20:45

I am sympathetic to them, it must be horrendous listening to your own child in such a state so often. But I'm also very sceptical that they've tried everything/the correct things to stop it. I'll give it another month, and if there's no improvement I'll have to go and say something.

OP posts:

avocadotoast · 13/10/2014 20:45

I feel your pain. I know I'd want to say something, but whether I actually would is a different matter. But if you feel like you can have a word in a non-confrontational way then go for it. Maybe aim it more at the dog than the child though

findingherfeet · 13/10/2014 20:46

Oh gosh I'm those parents right now! Well maybe not so bad but we've moved 2 months ago to a terraced house with paper thin walls and my almost3 year old is struggling to adjust - tantrums at bed time, she's dropped her nap so is extra specially grumpy and is having her first nightmares (ironically about the neighbours dogs...)

She screams like a loon some nights pre bed (not for as long mind) and trust me I'm there desperately trying everything I can to soothe her and stop the racket (despite feeling that if I just let her be sometimes it wouldn't be such a battle) so your neighbours aren't necessarily ignoring little one.

Nightmares she wakes screaming for a matter of minutes but it's still loud...

Personally I'm absolutely mortified at the thought of neighbours hearing this commotion (plus my crying baby brother) we've mentioned it to one side and they've laughed it off politely but still...

As much as it might be hell for you, it's probably far worse on mum and dad so go easy on them, if you think the child is being neglected then that's another matter but otherwise I can't see there's much that can be achieved by complaining...

These stages do (so I'm told) pass!!

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