Neighbours tantruming child, would it be unreasonable to talk to them?

[sketchbomb]

Our next door neighbours have a toddler, and he's seriously cute to look at but he's been having daily (often several times a day) tantrums when they put him to bed. I know kids go through difficult periods and I know from experience with relatives/friends kids that they can be noisy. But this has been happening every day now for four months. In the evenings when they put him to bed he can sometimes manage to scream and yell for up to two hours, and even when he finally exhausts himself and sleeps he'll wake up around 2/3 am and have another little session.

My bedroom is on the other side of the wall from his, and he's honestly so loud that even through earplugs he's often woke me up in the middle of the night with the noise. As I type he's been screaming "daddy, mummy" for 30 mins non stop.

I live with some friends and we're all young professionals but we never have noisy late parties or blast music at people because we all enjoy a quieter lifestyle. I don't want to be the unsympathetic neighbour, but the noise he makes is starting to really get to us all, and its been incessant for months now. I'd like to think they're doing all they can but I really don't believe they are. Leaving him to scream for hours on end clearly isnt working.

Would I be unreasonable to go speak to them about it? How would I even broach the subject? The only contact they ever made with us was to ask if we'd keep an eye on the house for the week it was empty before they moved in, and since then nothing. I dont want them to get defensive, but it is unfair that we're all suffering his tantrums as well.

Oh thank god, I thought this might have been about me.

*HER crying baby brother MY other little one!!

I'm trying to sleep train DS, as we speak he is screaming his head off and has been for the past hour or so. He is over tired from refusing to sleep and I am at the end of my tether. If one of my neighbours knocked my door now to complain about the inconvenience I don't think I could bite my tongue. If I go in now and scoop him up for a cuddle all our hard work will be undone.

Whatever you can hear, they can hear twice as loud. I can guarantee they are just as sick of it as you are.

My smaller dd had night terrors for months on end when she was five. she would scream "help" at full volume and shout "Mama" over and over again, but kick me if i went to comfort her. It was so stressful and so ghastly that I find it upsetting to look back on. We did talk to the neighbours and apologise, but I lived in fear of a passer by calling the police, as it sounded so awful. I suppose you could gently say something, as it is possible that they may be doing controlled crying, and if so, it isn't "working". But it may be night terrors or tantrums which are really hard to tackle. You could say that you can hear him, and perhaps they will explain what the issue is? But try and be understanding, as I have been that person with a nightly screaming child, and it was one of the most stressful periods of my life.

OP, just to let you know that they might well have tried everything. That they might not be, as other posters have implied, cruel or just plain lazy. I understand how annoying it is for you, and losing sleep is no fun. But I also know what it is like from the other side, as the mother of a toddler who for a long time screamed her way through the night.

DD was a nightmare, frankly. She went from waking every 45 mins as a baby to having massive screaming tantrums pretty much every night as a toddler, sometimes for up to two hours. There was nothing we could do. We tried everything. Sought medical help. Read every book, tried every "regime". Stayed with her. Left her to cry. Put her in our bed. Got her up and distracted her. Fed her. Didn't feed her. Got her a different bed.

Nothing we did helped. We were (are) in a 2-bed house, with our son sharing a room with her. We had nowhere to go. My DH and I almost got divorced, we were so tired and angry. I got post-natal depression. This went on for over 2 years (actually, almost 3).

It wasn't because we were bad parents, though I did for a long time think it was my fault. There was no reason for it, and eventually she just started sleeping normally. When she did, we all got our lives back, though it has taken a long time and a lot of work to salvage the relationship between DH and I, as we said such vile things to each other and argued so much, purely because we were so tired and stressed by it.

I tell you this not as a "poor me", but so that you can see it from the other side. It doesn't diminish how you feel, and they should be apologetic and very sorry for causing you a lack of sleep. I know I was to my neighbours and kept checking in with them, and took them bottles of wine as it went on for so long.

But if I'm very honest, had they knocked on and told me I was keeping them awake... well, it wouldn't have helped. I probably would just have collapsed and cried and cried on them. And it would have added pressure to an already highly pressured situation.

YANBU to speak to them, but tread carefully and be aware that it's unlikely to make much difference. But for all your sakes, I do hope the toddler starts sleeping soon. It's a shit situation all round.

Sounds like they are leaving him to it if he's shouting for mummy / daddy. Because if they were there right next to him he wouldn't be shouting for them to come to him. Great sleep training

I'd go and have a word.

You can just be prepared for an unreasonable response. My poor neighbours have put up with lots. Ds2 screamed blue murder going to bed and took ages if putting hom bacl.to bed. Night terrors in early hours were horrific. Screaming that I couldn't do anything about as child wont be pacified that could last for an hour grim. I think I would have cried if my neighbour had knocked on the door

You would not be at all unreasonable to go and talk to them (when it's not actually happening). Yes, there are some parents who do try everything and still have screamers - but there are also some who really just think 'the kid will soon learn'. You have every right to discuss how it's impacting you and see what solutions they can offer.

If it's been going on that long, they are clearly not of a mind to put the child in their bed or in a toddler bed in their room. So saying something is unlikely to help. They cannot be sleeping through such a noise in their own house, the obviously know it's a problem. So really I can't think how saying something will do anything positive.

My 3 year old is perfectly capable of screaming for 4 hours. he screams "mummy daddy mummy daddy" and when you go in he kicks you and shouts at you to go away. As soon as you get out of his bed he screams for you again. And repeat. From midnight until 4.
If you were my neighbour you'd be bloody welcome to try and sleep train him.

Controlled crying lasted 4 days when we went from 20 mins to 2 hours. It's not the way he learns. It's now taken 3 years of gradual retreat to get to sitting in his doorway as he goes to sleep at bedtime.

Our neighbours have commented - just to see if we were OK. We're not really. We're fucking knackered. he sleeps through about twice a month. We're surviving on about 4 hours sleep and have done so for 3 years.

Anyone is welcome to sort us out but if you complained about the noise at night I would probably be very rude. or cry. If you have nothing constructive to offer I'd probably avoid engaging.

Agh I also thought this might be about me! dd is going through a very difficult phase and screams at us for putting her pjs on etc. She's still bfeeding at night and screams if I detach her (Yes I know. ... Rod, back etc ) She's cutting molars which are probably why she's so horrible but it's a looooooong process. ..4 months is not a crazy timescale. We have also recently moved to a terrace with thin walls (can hear the neighbours arguing) but to be totally fair, I did drop an apology note plus chocolate round to each side last week and they've both said they don't hear her. Phew!

We've had no note, no contact whatsoever. Essentially its like we havent been considered at all. But I'm fairly certain that if we were to have a party without letting them know first there would be a knock on the door.

I'd mention it to them. I would be polite obviously. There may or may not be something that they can do. I've got four kids and I've never known any kids who cry as much as some mn'ers kids do. I find it amazing that a child has the strength to cry for such prolonged periods.

Maybe if they don't hear you through the walls they don't realise how much you can hear fro them? Or maybe they are just utterly mortified and too knackered to think straight?

I would say if your are going to approach the parents then do it at the best time possible......
My DS has night terrors and honestly once he is up and screaming the house down, whilst punching out at everything in sight no one can stop him, I do feel sorry for my neighbours but if they had approached me after a bad night up with DS I think I would have quite happily chased them back down the path.
After the school run and several cups of coffee I would have listened.

I don't see how your commenting on it to them, however tactfully, can either help or improve with this situation. In fact, I can only imagine that they're going through hell right now. Many children with difficulties such as autism have severe anxiety and difficulty with sleeping. At such a young age, it'd be too early and too emotional for them to know/ hear about this.
I'd stay out of it.

Please understand that as bad as it is for you, it's inevitably a thousand tikes worse for them (emotionally and physically exhausting) and I'm sire they're coping with it as best they can. If there was an obvious solution, they'd have found it/ be onto it!

Didn't ever do controlled crying. Or bed times come to think about it. Mine just fell asleep wherever we were when they got tired. I would mention it. Though. Maybe they can find a night time routine that doesn't involve an upset screaming child.

Yanbu. Problem is you don't know what the story is. It could be that they're just leaving him to cry thinking tough love us best and he'll eventually learn Or it could be that they're sat right there trying to comfort him but he's having night terrors and can't be calmed.

There are things that parents can sometimes do that they don't often bother doing though. I appreciate that some posters on here are in a terrace but we were in a semi when ds1 was having night screaming at 18mth. We tried everything then decided if just wasn't fair on the neighbours as they didn't have kids and both worked f/t. Do for the next 6mths, ds1 moved into our lovely large bedroom with ensuite whilst we had the single. We couldn't fit a double bed in it so slept on a zbed on the floor. He still screamed but at least he was only keeping us awake. It killed my back though and DH and I barely spoke we were so ratty and slept deprived.

Not sure that any child being left to cry could be described as spoiled.

If you want to say something, do the 'Sounds like you are struggling to get your little man to sleep' approach which will let them know you can hear him without it sounding like you expect them to do something about it. They probably think they are doing the right thing but I couldn't have done it.

Hopefully they might try comforting him so as not to disturb you and you might all get sone sleep.

Mmmmm difficult one. I had a difficult neighbour approach me aggressively about ds.
I was in the peak of stress about it all desperately trying everything.
I didn't want to be up at 5, awake in the night or spending 2hrs getting him to settle. I think she thought I could just make it stop.

If you are going to approach do it with caution and check what attitude you approach with. our conversation did not go well at all.

His sleep has improved but she will still hammer on the wall if he has an odd day or if we have friends round.
My anxiety goes through the roof and I end up making unfair demands on him to be quiet which at 2.5 he doesn't understand.

have you done all you can from your side? eg rearrange your furniture so that it is mostly along that wall?

also commiserate with them about his night terrors, they then know that you can hear and may do something like rearranging their furniture along that wall. (croses fingers)

dd sometimes shouts out in the night with night terrors. she is shouting for me but does not even know I am there. thankfully, she is in the only room in the flat that is not adjoining any other room.

We are going through this with 3yo DS1. He has night terrors and will scream for me even though I'm right in front if him. In that state he just cannot see me there. He has fought to get past me while screaming for me at the same time. He also sleep walks, and had sleep apnoea until his tonsils were removed.

I have apologised to our lovely neighbour more times than I remember. We are doing everything we can, and are chasing the hospital for advice since we have tried it all. We are willing to pay for a sleep consultant as soon as we find one here. We are trying our best, and frankly if someone knocked on and had a go about the noise I'd probably have a breakdown. We 're barely functional as it is. Please tread carefully if you do speak to them. I realise it's no fun for you either, but you don't know yet if they are trying really hard or what's going on.

Oh and to add to my other comments, I co-sleep with my dd and have never done any kind of training or controlled crying, but still we had an hour or more of screaming nightly due to the night terrors. I don't think it is unreasonable of you to find out what the problem is, as long as you ask in a kind and sympathetic way, in case it is quite beyond their control.