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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my baby boomer parents are selfish and ungrateful

377 replies

yoofoftoday · 13/10/2014 10:59

Had lunch with parents yesterday and left so fuming.

Mother complains about not being able to get a new car on finance and that her retirement income is only 28k after she retired early. Her current car is only 4 years old and she often uses her free bus pass (only free to her take payers have to pay for it along with the rising bus fares) as she doesn't was the BMW to get scratched in town. I barely can afford the bus and can't even afford a car.

Dad who gets his state pension but still works was complaining that he has to pay Ni and then wait till the end of the year to claim it back. Also complqains that now he gets his state pension has to up the amount in his private pension to avoid 40% tax. He only keeps doing this job as its easy and he works from home not doing much.

Uncle who sold a building plot to developers for a fortune ages ago and hasn't worked since said "oh your poor dad still working". When my dad is in perfect health and works from home paid a lot for easy work, basically on call 9-5.

Then my parents say they are putting their winter fuel allowance towards a 3d DVD player while I go home to my cold house where I only put the heating on if it goes below 16.

Nc but regular.

OP posts:
Clarinet9 · 13/10/2014 12:27

Oh come on gordy really pointless statement and so disingenuous to imply that people who are commenting on generational attitudes and actualities are begrudging their parents existence

Clarinet9 · 13/10/2014 12:28

Besides most in our generation won't inherit, the money will have to go to pay for nursing homes soon (as indeed it should!!!)

Snatchoo · 13/10/2014 12:31

Was just going to say that Clarinet!

Also - some of you seem to have missed the specification in the OP of her parents - not just all baby boomers.

Aherdofmims · 13/10/2014 12:31

I think they sound thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Their generation have also had the best of everything leaving younger generations to pick up the pieces.

So actually I think YANBU.

trulybadlydeeply · 13/10/2014 12:31

People always moan about things that are relative to them. So, it sounds like your parents have worked hard all their lives, brought up a family etc, and are now at a point in their lives where things are easier and so what they are "moaning" may seem inconsequential to you.

I think the real issue is why this has made you so angry - you sound like you may be struggling financially - are you in work? Do you have DCs and finding it difficult to feed/clothe them? If you tell us more then people may be able to offer some suggestions or options.

chickenfajitaswithnachos · 13/10/2014 12:32

My DP's both started full time work when they were 15. No going to university fir them. They are divorced now and both live in very modest flats. My DF lives on his state pension and my DM gets half a state pension and a very, very small private pension. My DF hasn't been on any sort of holiday for 25 years and doesn't have a car. Are these the baby boomers you mean OP?

gordyslovesheep · 13/10/2014 12:32

Sorry but the sense of entitlement baffles me ... Grabby comments about grand kids 'only' getting £100 for example

I understand why some parents decide to be selfish towards their grasping kids to be honest

Thumbcat · 13/10/2014 12:33

You should hear my MIL moaning about money problems. She has three properties and more in shares than my house is worth. She thinks that we'd have the same if we worked hard enough (she doesn't work, FIL made all the money). Some people are just very disconnected from reality, whatever their age.

Clarinet9 · 13/10/2014 12:33

the thing is boomers hold most political power hence the system works in their favour.

the young need to get voting...

(Blair needs to accept his fair share of the blame too though it was under him that the recent increases in immigration took place though wasn't it?

Aren't all the Kinnocks on the EU gravy train?
remember him?)

Clarinet9 · 13/10/2014 12:36

Sure gordy people are grabby and always will be but there are some interesting generational things going on)

no one concerned about the falling life expectancy?

chickenfajitaswithnachos · 13/10/2014 12:39

Fairy only 100. Shame on you, that is a lot of money to give a grandchild for a birthday present. How much did you expect? a grand?

Bonsoir · 13/10/2014 12:39

I sympathise, OP. I too have elderly relatives (my parents' generation) who I find utterly unrealistic - spoilt, even.

redskybynight · 13/10/2014 12:42

I also sympathise. My parents had a much higher quality of life than we have now - despite my mum being a SAHP, whereas DH and I both work (in similar sorts of jobs to my father). They genuinely don't get why we can't afford things (the latest being private education - which is a pipe dream on 2 modest professional salaries, whereas my parents managed it on one).

Now they have a comfortable retirement, the likes of which we can only dream of

Original poster
yoofoftoday · 13/10/2014 12:43

Of course I want my parents to be comfortable. But they are not comfortable, they've never had so much money and people much poorer than them are bankrolling it.

OP posts:
beingsuper · 13/10/2014 12:49

Wow Fairy. I hope when I retire my children won't be analyzing my spending in such a mercenary way.

They will be adults, not children, and responsible for their own lives and DC. I am spending 20 years focusing on them and their education, going without sometimes so they can have what they need, making sure they have opportunities to learn about their strengths and life as a whole (or not as they choose). After that DH and I will be there for love and support, not as a bank to cover any shortfalls.

I already know that although we are cash poor right now, we have invested heavily in our house so that we can downsize and enjoy our retirement when the children leave home (we had our children late). I do hope in 15 years time they aren't looking up the value of the house on zoopla and wondering how to spend 'their' windfalls.

TheFairyCaravan · 13/10/2014 12:49

Actually it was FIL who said only hence it being in quotation marks, so get down off your high horses! I did omit the facts where he paid £3.5k on a car and insurance for one of SIL's kids and gave £500 to another!

chickenfajitaswithnachos · 13/10/2014 12:49

OP, your DF is a tax payer, surely he is paying your Child benefit and education for your DC.

MTWTFSS · 13/10/2014 12:54

100% move back home!!!

trulybadlydeeply · 13/10/2014 12:55

I'll say it again - if they've both worked hard all their lives, why on earth shouldn't they be comfortable (or more than comfortable) and enjoying their money? No doubt they had harder times when they first started out, and when they were bringing you up.

Personally, I can't wait until the children leave home, we can retire, and can gad about the world!

Concentrate on your own life/career/family, it's clearly hard now, but hopefully won't always be so. Are you working?

(and FWIW, why would you want the heating on if it's 16 or above??)

HopeClearwater · 13/10/2014 12:56

YANBU OP. Totally get where you are coming from. (Out of loyalty I should add that my mum is nothing like this though, because she looks out how hard her children work and knows how much things cost).

What gets me is when they say 'well we worked hard'. I don't think that generation understand how hard many, many current workers have to work. Office jobs used to be 9-5 with lunch. People took that lunch hour and didn't dream of working through it. When they went home, they couldn't be contacted on their 'work mobile' so no one did! There is so much pressure at work now because it's an employer's market with all the unemployment we have. Multiple redundancies mean that people who manage to keep their job have to take on larger workloads, and sometimes pay cuts.

My FIL spent his whole working life at the same utilities company. He just can't get his head round the fact that that is seen as a weakness on a CV now, if you haven't changed jobs climbing the greasy pole then you look unambitious. Plus the fact that organisations change so often that you might be forced out anyway.

QueenTilly · 13/10/2014 12:58

Crikey.

I feel sorry for the OP. She's not demonising a whole generation here, all even particularly demanding money from her parents.

She is rightfully complaining about her parents being tactless and rude. It is basic manners not to complain about the tightness of your diamond shoes to someone who is struggling to afford a new pair of school shoes.

jammytoast · 13/10/2014 12:58

In the week of DS1's 18th birthday, FIL rang him to say "we can only afford to give you £100 because times are hard!" Fair enough, but they had that same day spent £21k on a car, cash, and £7k on a sofa cash, so they were not actually very hard at all!

They could have just gave the gift and said nothing, but instead they had to make a big deal out of times being hard after spending considerable amounts of money on other things. It wouldn't have mattered if the amount was £50 or £1000, they didn't need to complain that times are hard.

QueenTilly · 13/10/2014 12:58

*or even particularly

Clarinet9 · 13/10/2014 13:02

Remember statistically the vast majority of families had only 1 full time worker.

Agree Hope gone are the days of jobs for life, I know massive numbers of people in their late 30's and 40's who suddenly and unpredictable lost their jobs.

QueenTilly · 13/10/2014 13:04

I'll say it again - if they've both worked hard all their lives, why on earth shouldn't they be comfortable (or more than comfortable) and enjoying their money? No doubt they had harder times when they first started out, and when they were bringing you up.

I'll say it again, too, then.

The OP is not beseeching the skies to cast her parents into poverty.
This isn't a question of "why shouldn't they be comfortable" and sounds more like a question of why the fuck can't they put a sock in it?

I'm sorry, but being a "baby boomer" does not exempt you from basic manners.

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