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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to see family "friend" ever again?

97 replies

Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 22:27

First time poster, long time lurker (remember LDC cake woman and PomBears etc, etc). De-lurking as want to know if IABU or not. Will try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

My SIL has had a close friend since school, I'll call her Nicky. During the 11 years I have been with DH, Nicky has always been slightly offhand with me and also slightly with DH, for reasons unknown to us. As she has known SIL for so long, Nicky is often invited to family get togethers. As these are not all that often, DH and I have tended to just brush off the "offhandedness" for the sake of SIL, so as to not rock the boat.

Over the past few years, Nicky has become increasingly hostile to myself and now DH e.g. Making "jokey" passive aggressive comments, snubbing us etc. I raised this with my SIL when it came up in conversation about a year ago. She said that Nicky doesn't like my or DH as we have a family, which is what she wants. SIL said not to take it personally as Nicky hates everyone who isn't SIL or SIL's kids (including SIL's husband - she ate a peanut butter sandwich in their lounge knowing that he has a very severe nut allergy).

Nicky's brother and his wife are expecting a baby, and she is now acting unkindly to them too.

SIL said that the PA "jokes" are not jokes and are meant to be horrible. When I enquired as to why she was still friends with this person, SIL replied, "because if I'm not her friend, she has no one else". Also SIL's children are close to Nicky, which she says is a factor too.

Last night, BIL very nicely invited me, DH and DD to his birthday party. Nicky was in attendance, and VERY obviously ignored both myself and DH, but spoke happily to DD. I was tempted to ask her why she was being so rude, but thought it was neither the time or place. However, when talking on the phone today to MIL, who knows about this, I told her that me and DH had a chat last night. DH does not want to attend any further functions to which Nicky is invited, as he does not see why we should be subjected to rudeness. As he says, "the fact that she kicks everyone doesn't mean that being kicked doesn't hurt".

So AIBU to think that if you were SIL, you would have told supposed "friend" to sod off long ago? And that you would not want to see Nicky again, irrespective of how long she has been a family friend?

OP posts:

Nerris · 12/10/2014 22:34

She sounds unhinged and vile. I wouldn't want to be in her company for a millisecond. At least she was pleasant to your daughter. If you can face socialising with her, just completely blank her like she isn't there. You get out what you put in, and she can't be a bitch to everyone without good reason and not suffer the consequences. Why on earth would your sil choose to be friends with someone like that and inflict her on others?!

LadyLuck10 · 12/10/2014 22:35

I think yabu. You and your DH are placing your SIL in a position to choose between your family and her friend.
If I were you, I would confront her if it bothers you that much or you can just really ignore her. Look at her, she wants what you have. That's something to pity her for rather that let her get to you.

mmmuffins · 12/10/2014 22:36

I think Nicky should not be invited to any further family events due to her behavior. If your SIL wants to maintain the friendship in her own time so be it.

2minsofyourtime · 12/10/2014 22:38

I think you or your do sound tell her to sod off, she's not being rude to sil she's being rude to dh.

Sil should speak to her, but not sure giving mil an ultimatum is really fair on her

puntasticusername · 12/10/2014 22:38

Am I reading correctly, are Nicky and her husband suffering with fertility problems?

If so, I can understand their general behaviour tbh. YWNBU not to want to see them again if you don't want to, that's up to you - OTOH, YWBU to expect your SIL not to be friends with Nicky if she DOES want to. It sounds as if she does wish to remain friends.

123upthere · 12/10/2014 22:39

Yanbu - my initial thought was that she fancies your SIL
Could explain her territorial rudeness when SIL is around.
I think it's up to SIL to speak with her with a gentle reminder of manners etc failing that I'd give up

Mintyy · 12/10/2014 22:40

Well. You really cannot tell SIL who to be friends with. If you and your dh choose not to attend her party, so be it. But that is your choice and yours alone. Don't give SIL and ultimatum, it's not your place to do so. You can explain why you choose not to explain - be totally honest about it. But leave it at that.

cozietoesie · 12/10/2014 22:41

I'm sorry but that sounds like bull to me - she could see this woman on her own time but yet she invites her to all these situations where she'll interact (badly) with her family apart from her children. She doesn't need to do that.

Is it possible, that your SIL is getting some sort of gratification out of seeing Nicky put other people down/ glow in contrast to her? What sort of person is your SIL?

ChasedByBees · 12/10/2014 22:42

YANBU. Why should you be subjected to this crap at parties and gatherings? They're meant to be fun!

Original poster

Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 22:45

Puntastic - Nicky isn't married so no fertility problems there.

Lady Luck - I can see how it might look like she is being made to choose, but I am utterly fed up with DH and I being treated horribly. And I cannot get my head around why SIL would still want her as a friend TBH.

2minsofyourtime - I only mentioned it to MIL as I am fed up with the whole family knowing she is vile to me and DH and no one doing anything about it. If one of my friends was awful to a family member, I would see it as my responsibility to sort out IFSWIM.

Nerris and mmmm - my thoughts exactly!

OP posts:

Whatisaweekend · 12/10/2014 22:50

"because if I'm not her friend, she has no one else"

Not a big surprise. Has your dsil stopped to think why this might be??!! I don't think you are being U. Why does she have to be included in family occasions? Surely your dsil can see her at other times??

Original poster

Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 22:51

I think she may have fancied SIL, but she also goes out with men too, so not sure????

I would never deliberately try to make SIL choose. As my DH says, it would be more a case of "sorry, we don't feel we can attend", and then explain that Nicky is rude to us and it makes the atmosphere awful.

I can't work out why SIL inflicts her on us. She is generally such a lovely person (SIL) that I can only think that because Nicky is horrible to so many of us, SIL thinks that we can all just brush it off.

OP posts:

123upthere · 12/10/2014 22:58

Or maybe you can have a quiet word in the style of an SAS undercover at the next gathering & ever so politely get her to kindly explain what the hell her problem is

Then blame too much alcohol if you get in trouble for it

But seriously why put up with crap like this from someone who clearly has social issues

puntasticusername · 12/10/2014 23:00

But there was the comment that you and your DH have a family, "which is what she wants"? Sorry, from your OP I got the impression she was with a settled partner and hoping for children; if that's not the case it does change things a bit!

Oldraver · 12/10/2014 23:00

So she hates BIL enough peanuts in front of him but was still invited to his birthday party ?

She must have a very good hold over SIL for her to put up with her after that. I think there is something very odd about this....why would you still invite someone who hates your DH ?

123upthere · 12/10/2014 23:00

'Ive been meaning to ask you Nicky, is there some kind of problem between you and DH & I, oy your behaviour recently has been mind bogglingly roooood'

Oldraver · 12/10/2014 23:01

'to eat peanuts'

Original poster

Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:03

Liking the SAS style approach. Apparently with Nicky, anyone who has an issue with her should "approach her directly so she can rip them a new one", whatever that means? So she has said to others in the past according to SIL!

TBH, if I did speak to her directly, I really think she would assault me. And DH says he'd rather just not be near her.

OP posts:

Zucker · 12/10/2014 23:08

Oh I'd definitely be on for confronting her then. There'd be no way back for her for being arrested for assault would there!

Original poster

Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:09

BIL is very lovely and very forgiving. Thinks Nicky has issues and we should feel for her e.g. Was 27 stone til last year. Had a gastric band put in and through that and sheer hard work at the gym, lost bloody loads of weight. However, she is apparently now annoyed that all the things she thought would happen after her weight loss - partner, kids etc - have not yet happened.

Sorry Puntastic, didn't mean to mislead.

I am starting to think that there is a hold over someone somewhere too.

All I know is that SIL can be friends with whoever she wants, and invite Nicky to stuff, but DH and I will not be going. Also I am now annoyed at SIL for thinking it is ok to excuse Nicky's behaviour at the expense of my DH and me.

OP posts:

HarlowEver · 12/10/2014 23:11

Nicky is often invited to family get togethers. As these are not all that often, DH and I have tended to just brush off the "offhandedness" for the sake of SIL, so as to not rock the boat.

So if they are not that often does it really matter? If it really does then if you host a family get together you can say you'd just like family there.

Nicky hates everyone who isn't SIL or SIL's kids (including SIL's husband - she ate a peanut butter sandwich in their lounge knowing that he has a very severe nut allergy)

I'm confused about this peanut butter sandwich thing, if his allergy is that severe then why do they even have peanut butter in the house?

Anyway ... your SIL said she hates everyone, so it's really not just you, so don't try and make it about yourself. Yes she sounds unpleasant but unfortunately that's just life, sometimes you have to interact with people that are not nice

GloriousGoosebumps · 12/10/2014 23:11

I think the most interesting part of your story is that even when Nicky puts your BIL at serious risk by eating a peanut butter sandwich in his precence, your SIL continues the friendship. If the peanut butter sandwich episode isn't enough to end the friendship then there's nothing you can do or say that will end the friendship.

As for refusing to attend any events that Nicky is also invited to, is that your way of tellling your MIL that she is not to invite Nicky to family events? What happens if she continues to invite Nicky? You could find you've boxed yourself into a corner.

CadmiumRed · 12/10/2014 23:13

She is invited to your BILs party after the peanut incident? And when she is apparently open about hating him?

Bizarre.

Is it SIL or BIL who is your DH's sibling?

sausagefries · 12/10/2014 23:14

YANBU to stop talking to Nicky or to even ask that she no longer attend family functions. If your SIL wants to be friends with her than she can do so outside of family events.

Here is what I think has been happening. Your SIL and Nicky have been in a relationship for years yet both are afraid, for whatever reason, to come out and be open about it. Nicky is fed up with having to maintain a secret relationship and is upset that SIL gets to have a family with a man and act like everything is normal. Nicky tries to maintain a front that she is straight to protect the relationship with your SIL. She is nasty and bitter because she is frustrated that she can't be out and open with the woman she loves, even after 11 years. She tried to kill your BIL with peanut butter so she could finally be with the woman she loves and have the family she has always dreamed of.

Or she could just be a terrible person.

Permanentlyexhausted · 12/10/2014 23:16

I agree with Goosebumps.

You say you're worried 'Nicki' would assault you if you pulled her up on her behaviour. Perhaps your SIL is scared of her too. That would explain why she can't break off the friendship even though this woman has put her husband's life/health at risk.

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