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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to see family "friend" ever again?

97 replies

Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 22:27

First time poster, long time lurker (remember LDC cake woman and PomBears etc, etc). De-lurking as want to know if IABU or not. Will try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

My SIL has had a close friend since school, I'll call her Nicky. During the 11 years I have been with DH, Nicky has always been slightly offhand with me and also slightly with DH, for reasons unknown to us. As she has known SIL for so long, Nicky is often invited to family get togethers. As these are not all that often, DH and I have tended to just brush off the "offhandedness" for the sake of SIL, so as to not rock the boat.

Over the past few years, Nicky has become increasingly hostile to myself and now DH e.g. Making "jokey" passive aggressive comments, snubbing us etc. I raised this with my SIL when it came up in conversation about a year ago. She said that Nicky doesn't like my or DH as we have a family, which is what she wants. SIL said not to take it personally as Nicky hates everyone who isn't SIL or SIL's kids (including SIL's husband - she ate a peanut butter sandwich in their lounge knowing that he has a very severe nut allergy).

Nicky's brother and his wife are expecting a baby, and she is now acting unkindly to them too.

SIL said that the PA "jokes" are not jokes and are meant to be horrible. When I enquired as to why she was still friends with this person, SIL replied, "because if I'm not her friend, she has no one else". Also SIL's children are close to Nicky, which she says is a factor too.

Last night, BIL very nicely invited me, DH and DD to his birthday party. Nicky was in attendance, and VERY obviously ignored both myself and DH, but spoke happily to DD. I was tempted to ask her why she was being so rude, but thought it was neither the time or place. However, when talking on the phone today to MIL, who knows about this, I told her that me and DH had a chat last night. DH does not want to attend any further functions to which Nicky is invited, as he does not see why we should be subjected to rudeness. As he says, "the fact that she kicks everyone doesn't mean that being kicked doesn't hurt".

So AIBU to think that if you were SIL, you would have told supposed "friend" to sod off long ago? And that you would not want to see Nicky again, irrespective of how long she has been a family friend?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:49

Thanks for the replies everyone. Lots to think about. I shall keep my eye out for any hint of untoward goings on.

As a pp said, if eating nuts around BIL is accepted, then anything she does will be. Think we shall just avoid her.

OP posts:
Didactylos · 12/10/2014 23:52

I think you need to work on SIL - she acknowleges that the womans behaviour is unacceptable but theres obviously something there that means she wont cut Nicki off or pull her up on this unacceptable behaviour: not neccesarily attraction but possibly some sort of fear/obligation/guilt relationship?

Guilt over Nickis life, a feeling of responsibility for her? Nickis dependance on her as her only friend? a feeling of gratitude or obligation if Nicki has helped with the kids in the past. Does your SIL get something out of the relationship? or is she distressed by the behaviour? It might be that SIL is not enjoying the situations Nicki is putting her in but cant stop her . Either that or she quite enjoys having her Rottweiler at family events to say the things she feels but cant openly say?

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 13/10/2014 00:01

Didactylos - I think you are right re the whole feeling responsible for Nicky, having been her friend for nearly 30 years. SIL doesn't like her behaviour, and she might not be able to stop it, but it's the fact that SIL invites her to things, despite her behaviour, which stumps me.

Surely, by letting Nicky attend stuff, knowing that she is going to be awful to family, SIL is in effect prioritising Nicky's feelings over everyone else's. It's as if SIL has forgotten that they are not actually related.

Definitely not secret sisters as pp wondered. Nicky's mum died a few months ago, so SIL even more tolerant of her.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 13/10/2014 00:16

You say DH has been brought up not to rock the boat. So has his sister and I suspect that's how Nicky got her claws into her 30 years ago, as children or teens? Wanting to live with SIL & her kids is a bit unhinged, or at least, saying it out loud is. i think, like someone who doesn't leave an abusive partner, SIL has been groomed and conditioned by Nicky for so long that even behaviour dsil knows is wrong, she still interprets as acceptable/tolerable/excusable because Nicky is the perpetrator. Even when she seems to understand the issues you have raised, she doesnt really respond reasonably.

At a minimum you guys should proceed with your announced backing out of the family to avoid her. You could also try hosting stuff at your house to which she is specifically not allowed. But it may be you need to discuss the whole mess with BIL and SIL. Maybe he needs support to insist Nicky needs to be cut out their life. That could go really weirdly wrong though. BIL may have reasons/fears keeping him from doing that already.

winkywinkola · 13/10/2014 00:24

Nicky, unfortunately, sounds like she is a loon. There is no two ways about it.

And a bullying one at that.

I would just give excuses about family events in future. If asked, I would tell the truth about being made to feel uncomfortable about my own life.

Why should you have to put up with this shit? It's amazing. Just don't attend and organise your own family events and specifically do not allow this Nicky to attend them.

I am amazed at this problem and how your sil has allowed this to happen? But she has and now it's your problem and everyone else who has a family's problem.

Ridiculous.

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 13/10/2014 00:28

Completely agree that she is a controlling, bullying loon. Agree that SIL has been conditioned by her and we are now all having to take the flack, with a "never mind, it's not personal."

I really don't care that she does it to others, that doesn't make it ok to be awful to me and mine.

Think I will arrange a family get together over Xmas, and she is not invited.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2014 00:30

Nicky will create trouble for SIL and her dh. If she knows where it's at she had better cool it off with her as Nicky has already come between them. It sounds as though Nicky has some sort if thing for SIL. Have you talked to SIL about how you feel about Nicky, and how you would prefer she see her outside family functions or get togethers

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2014 00:31

Good idea MrBump and tell SIL not to bring her along. ITs one thing to be friends with her yourself, not fair to inflict this vile rude woman on others.

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 13/10/2014 00:34

I have explained to SIL how I feel. I can't ask her not to invite Nicky to things she arranges e.g. BIL's party. That's up to them. I just can't get my head around wanting to still be friends with someone that is so horrible. Nicky really drags my SIL down.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2014 00:37

You have every right not to invite her to your get together, infòrm SIL so that she doesent bring her. Dies BIL actually want her at his party? Probably not!

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 13/10/2014 00:38

I'm also really hurt, and feel like SIL can't care about her family if she is happy for the behaviour to continue. Maybe SIL doesn't like me and DH, and Nicky treating us badly secretly pleases SIL.

But that would be such schoolgirl behaviour

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 13/10/2014 00:39

Just don't go to events if Nicky is going.

You're not asking your sil to choose.

You are choosing for yourself.

You can't be expected to put up with vileness just to keep this odd, bitter woman happy.

Neither can your sil just expect you to attend events where you know you'll exposed to unpleasantness.

Your sil knows what Nicky is like and still chooses to make her guests feel uncomfortable by inviting her.

Nicky has no other friends. And sil will soon have no other friends. It's up to them to be friendly, pleasant and normal. If they can't, then they should either realise why they have no friends or seek help.

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 13/10/2014 00:39

Think BIL does want her there, as he forgives her behaviour because she is so troubled and she means so much to SIL and his kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 13/10/2014 00:44

Thanks so much for taking time to reply. Really appreciate it. Shall take the advice given and be proactive

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2014 01:11

"I'm also really hurt, and feel like SIL can't care about her family if she is happy for the behaviour to continue. Maybe SIL doesn't like me and DH, and Nicky treating us badly secretly pleases SIL."
Have you ever said this to SIL? It might be worth trying, because it sounds to me that SIL has convinced herself that nobody is 'taking it personally' because she, SIL, told them not to! I'd probably also ask her how she thinks her DC are likely to view all this - seeing Nicky's behaviour tolerated, never sanctioned, no consequences. How does SIL think this seems to them, how will it affect how they treat others. And no, they're not too young to notice, even very small children notice everything.

And I have to agree with the other posters, this woman sounds like all sorts of bad news, and has groomed your SIL (and BIL) to obey.

whycantifindaname · 13/10/2014 01:17

I suspect there is something ego-boosting to your SIL to be the only person Nicky is civil to. If someone is super picky about who they like, and they like you, it's a bit like being the cool kid at school.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/10/2014 06:00

I had a friend who was quite possessive and controlling of our friendship, she hated me having other friends and she went mad if I did anything she didnt like, like get a boys number from someone she knew.

Fortunately, that last event was the crime of the century in her eyes, but she got really mean about my family and used to give my number out to random people.

About 10 years later, she tried adding me on FB, I ignored it, I have no intention of being near that woman again.

Its really hard work dealing with someone like that, so SIL might not know how to cut her off, but one day SIL will commit the crime of the century and that will be it.

Guitargirl · 13/10/2014 06:26

On reading the OP, I thought that Nicky has a thing for your SIL and on reading the thread, I see that am not the only one to think that.

It is kind of your SIL's (and more especially your BIL's) problem though. We have people attending extended family gatherings who I am not particularly fond of. There is one woman who seems to make a bit of a point at having a dig at me. So, I just ignore and avoid now. I am always polite and civil but there are usually enough people there to make sure that I don't have to engage her in lengthy conversation. And it's only a few times a year, she gets none of my headspace in between those times (except for as I am writing this!).

Just leave Nicky to what sounds like her unhappy existence and concentrate on your own life and family.

Penfold007 · 13/10/2014 06:36

Your SIL invites Nicky to events knowing she hates everyone except SIL and her children. Nicky is even allowed to expose BIL to a serious health hazard, SIL shouldn't have nut products in the house.

Nicky sounds evil but SIL sounds unhinged too and very PA. Either there is a nasty secret between them or they are having an affair.

In a way you have been enabling their behaviour so ceasing contact with Nicky is reasonable.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/10/2014 08:00

I don't think it's that. SIL might be afraid of Nicky and upsetting her, not that she doesent like you. Well you don't have to put up with her behaviour. Tell SIL that you will not be attending due to Nicky being there!

londonrach · 13/10/2014 08:07

What hold does nicky have over sil. Were they former lovers. Otherwise i cant understand why sil would ask a none family member to a family event when that none family member has been rude to every family member and at one point dangerous to sil dh by eating peanut butter. The whole situation is very very strange.

whois · 13/10/2014 08:16

Seriously unhinged.

SIL is actually being a bit of a cow by inviting this woman to her house and family events even though she is horrible to you lot and her own husband.

I'm another one who reckons Nicky is in love with SIL and wants BIL out of the way!

shesawseashellsontheseashore · 13/10/2014 08:20

For each event I would ask SIL if Nicky was coming. If she say yes then I would say, "Oh okay, we'll give it a miss".

I find life is a lot easier if you avoid negative people and situations. Life is too short.

Optimist1 · 13/10/2014 08:27

HavanasLife - you're not the only one to see the parallels with the thread where hostile friend of SIL had lost a lot of weight and wanted the OP to be uninvited to her own parents' wedding anniversary party! Can't find it now, or remember what the outcome was, but the general feel of the situation was eerily similar.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 13/10/2014 08:30

SIL didn't have nut products in the house, the way I read it was Nicky took the peanut butter along herself.

Nicky does seem to have some hold over your SIL, possibly the FOG reason a pp gave. The word that has been floating through my mind while reading this thread is poisonous, if Nicky's like this with everyone it's not surprising she's still single.

YANBU if you refuse to attend any events that she is invited to. I see no reason why you and your DH should have to put up with her behaviour.