AIBU to not want to see family "friend" ever again?

[Mrbumpsbruises]

First time poster, long time lurker (remember LDC cake woman and PomBears etc, etc). De-lurking as want to know if IABU or not. Will try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

My SIL has had a close friend since school, I'll call her Nicky. During the 11 years I have been with DH, Nicky has always been slightly offhand with me and also slightly with DH, for reasons unknown to us. As she has known SIL for so long, Nicky is often invited to family get togethers. As these are not all that often, DH and I have tended to just brush off the "offhandedness" for the sake of SIL, so as to not rock the boat.

Over the past few years, Nicky has become increasingly hostile to myself and now DH e.g. Making "jokey" passive aggressive comments, snubbing us etc. I raised this with my SIL when it came up in conversation about a year ago. She said that Nicky doesn't like my or DH as we have a family, which is what she wants. SIL said not to take it personally as Nicky hates everyone who isn't SIL or SIL's kids (including SIL's husband - she ate a peanut butter sandwich in their lounge knowing that he has a very severe nut allergy).

Nicky's brother and his wife are expecting a baby, and she is now acting unkindly to them too.

SIL said that the PA "jokes" are not jokes and are meant to be horrible. When I enquired as to why she was still friends with this person, SIL replied, "because if I'm not her friend, she has no one else". Also SIL's children are close to Nicky, which she says is a factor too.

Last night, BIL very nicely invited me, DH and DD to his birthday party. Nicky was in attendance, and VERY obviously ignored both myself and DH, but spoke happily to DD. I was tempted to ask her why she was being so rude, but thought it was neither the time or place. However, when talking on the phone today to MIL, who knows about this, I told her that me and DH had a chat last night. DH does not want to attend any further functions to which Nicky is invited, as he does not see why we should be subjected to rudeness. As he says, "the fact that she kicks everyone doesn't mean that being kicked doesn't hurt".

So AIBU to think that if you were SIL, you would have told supposed "friend" to sod off long ago? And that you would not want to see Nicky again, irrespective of how long she has been a family friend?

I'm actually really shocked that SIL didn't say or do anything when this 'friend' was eating peanut butter around her severely allergic DH. That is not a friend to me and I wouldn't maintain contact with some one who could be so intentionally nasty.That said, it's up to SIL if she wants to but similarly you have a right to refuse contact with some one who treats you badly. I don't see why a rude and PA friend needs to be invited to family events anyway, in fact I'd say it's out of order and disrespectful of SIL to the rest of her family to keep bringing some one who she knows is going to treat them like dirt.

I remember that thread as well but wasn't it pulled by MN as they thought it was bogus? Though maybe I've gotten it mixed up with another.

I thought the same re the wedding anniversary party. It was deleted for being started by a troll IIRC.

I can't believe no-one is just a straight up bitch right back to her?! For example, Nicky makes horrible PA comment to OP and DH

OP - "Remember DH, we have to be nice to Nicky as her own life is so sad, and she has to be included in our family things as she doesn't have one"

Nicky blanks you at park

OP to SIL "Oh I thought you would have invited Nicky, this is just the sort of family event she likes to gate-crash isn't it haha?!" - right within her earshot obv, she can't claim you saw her if she didn't "see" you.

Loudly tell the children, that no, it isn't acceptable to treat people the way that nasty lady does, but she is sad because she doesn't have her own family, or any other friends and she is lonely and we feel bad for her, so the nice thing for people to do is to still include her in things, even if she is horrible.

She will HATE the thought that people feel sorry for her. She obviously loves the fact that she makes you all uncomfortable, so you either out bitch her or just laugh at her and tell her how pathetic her behaviour is. Also, I would take over the arranging of parties between yourself and MIL and tell SIL that Nicky is NOT to be invited to these gatherings. Edge her out.

Shesawseashells

I agree with you. If other potential guests were to realise what you were doing, they might join in and do it themselves. The SIL will eventually have just the 'friend' at her parties and will realise why she's lost the people who should matter more.

My SIL is a very knd person who has a bit of a habit of adopting waifs and strays - and gets taken advantage of.
We were at mil's for Xmas last year and a few days beforehand we discovered SIL had invited her neighbour for Xmas dinner as she " didn't want her to be on her own" she has a family but they hadn't invited her - wonder why!!???
Anyway me and DH did say we weren't too happy about but since it had been arranged fair enough. We didn't know this lady well but didn't really like her.
She was rude and obnoxious on the day and the next day we popped into SIL house and she was sitting there and totally blanked us.
Next time we saw SIL I said that she could in its who she wanted to her house but that if she invited this lady then we wouldn't be comng. SIL bleated something about the lady feeding their cat while they were away.
Mil ( who is usually very placid) calmly said that as she didn't have a cat she saw no reason to have to put up with this woman at HER house so not to invite her again.
SIL cried a bit and said she could invite who she wanted to her house , mil answered she had actually invited this woman to HER house!!
She doesn't invite her anymore.
You wouldn't be asking your SIL to choose, this Nicky is not a member of your family, she should be bloody grateful you have put up with her for so long. Your SIL is maybe like one and likes " rescuing" people.

Agreeing with all the good advice here and totally agree that you and your DH should never ever ever (!) spend any time with this person again.

Take control, and do not attend any gatherings if you know this Nicky will be there.

Have more events at your house and freeze this woman out. SIL husband will thank you for it. You could even host his next birthday at yours!

It will be a bit awkward at first but stick to your guns. Inform SIL of your plan and new resolve so she doesn't have this woman tagging on to days out with the kids again. If she is there unexpectedly you may have to just leave. I know I would.

Thanks everyone. Lots and lots f good advice. Glad to know it's not us being unreasonable. There is a definite feeling in ILs family that "we have to feel sorry for her". Well I don't, not any more. She is a nasty piece of work.

In a way, I kind of wish that SIL and Nicky were having an affair - such an extreme answer would explain why Nicky's extreme behaviour has been allowed. Sadly, I do think it's more mundane, which makes it harder to accept.

I'm amazed there was a similar thread. If it was genuine, could someone paste the link so I can see the advice there too. Wish I was a troll, then I wouldn't really be having to deal with this shite!

The previous thread was deleted for trolling.

YANBU.

Life is too short to put up with people like Nicky.

Behaviour like that, its no wonder she has no friends. Perhaps your SIL is inadvertently encouraging her to keep behaving like this by allowing this behaviour. (The peanut butter story is ridiculous!)

Wantto - I agree. I can't believe that SIL is happy for her kids to be around this woman. She can stay away from me and my family, that's for sure. I have no idea what is going on in their little dysfunctional world but I want no part of it.

Have you posted about this before? There was a thread a while back about a sister with a poisonous friend who had to be invited everywhere. That friend had also lost a huge amount of weight recently too. It ended up that she was in a relationship with the sister, if I remember right.

Anyone else remember this?

Sonjadog - no, I really haven't posted before. Pretty awful that this has happened to someone else. I can prove mine though. "Nicky" was in the Sun, post-weight loss surgery. She appeared in a bra and pants before skin removal. They paid her £400. She thought someone might take pity and pay for her boobs to be sorted (apparently they aren't routinely sorted out on NHS). Even SIL was askance at that one!

Did anyone offer to pay?

Nope.

Pretty awful that this has happened to someone else

It didnt happen to anyone else!!!!!!!!!

Her unhappiness is no excuse for regularly being rude to other people. We all have our moments when our attitudes spill over and we take it out on other people - but it's not on when it's all the time.

One thing to consider pointing out to your SIL, if you do try to go down that road.

Your SIL is not being a good friend to Nicky when she puts up with this behaviour. She is creating the false impression that her conduct is acceptable and that people tolerate it and say to themselves 'Oh it's only poor Nicky'.

Nicky is never going to find a partner if she continues to behave in this way. Firstly she should really be spending more time socialising with other single people to increase the chances that she will meet someone. She is never going to meet a man sat in your SIL living room. Secondly I bet if I showed 100 men this thread, 100 of them would say they would never ever date a person with Nicky's current attitude as you have described it. Nobody wants a snarky rude partner and she needs to knock that sort of thing on the head if she wants to attract someone.

Personally I would just keep going to your family events. It appears that Nicky is trying to push you out, if you stop showing up you let her win.

There is a middle way between just ignoring her and being openly confrontational. You can keep calm and respond to her snarky comments with phrases such as "What did you mean by that?" or "Did you mean to be rude when you said that".

In that way you are not letting her behaviour slide, but you aren't 'attacking' her either. I suspect if you go 'on the attack' it will be used against you by Nicky to obtain more sympathy from your SIL.

I hope it all works out.

Bruffin - oh, right. Was definitely a troll then. Wish same could be said here. Fed up with dealing with the obnoxious woman. My mum was also at BIL's party. She was

Coffee - thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, neither I nor DH have the energy to keep going through this shit (health issues). And if SIL would rather keep Nicky in her life at the risk of alienating her DB, then she is a pillock who doesn't deserve such a sweet, loving bloke to have her back.

This reminds me of that thread where someone's younger sister kept trying to rearrange a family party to accommodate her 'friend' who turned out IIRC to be a) barking mad and b) actually the sister's girlfriend.

Oh! Teach me to RTFT. You mean the wedding anniversary thread was a troll?

OTheHuge - never mind, this one is real (though doesn't sound as juicy )

Anyway, I don't think you should withdraw from family events in favour of someone who isn't even family. That's just wrong and unfair. I think you should confront her, with your DH - it doesn't have to be shouty, but there's no reason why you can't pick her up on it every time she's rude, quietly but firmly. And then say 'Nicky, that's the nth time you've said something rude; if you're angry with me about something can you just tell me what please because I'm finding it really uncomfortable being around you right now.'

Fundamentally though I think the problem is your spineless family, who are all enabling this bullying emotional vampire lodged in their midst.