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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to see family "friend" ever again?

97 replies

Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 22:27

First time poster, long time lurker (remember LDC cake woman and PomBears etc, etc). De-lurking as want to know if IABU or not. Will try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

My SIL has had a close friend since school, I'll call her Nicky. During the 11 years I have been with DH, Nicky has always been slightly offhand with me and also slightly with DH, for reasons unknown to us. As she has known SIL for so long, Nicky is often invited to family get togethers. As these are not all that often, DH and I have tended to just brush off the "offhandedness" for the sake of SIL, so as to not rock the boat.

Over the past few years, Nicky has become increasingly hostile to myself and now DH e.g. Making "jokey" passive aggressive comments, snubbing us etc. I raised this with my SIL when it came up in conversation about a year ago. She said that Nicky doesn't like my or DH as we have a family, which is what she wants. SIL said not to take it personally as Nicky hates everyone who isn't SIL or SIL's kids (including SIL's husband - she ate a peanut butter sandwich in their lounge knowing that he has a very severe nut allergy).

Nicky's brother and his wife are expecting a baby, and she is now acting unkindly to them too.

SIL said that the PA "jokes" are not jokes and are meant to be horrible. When I enquired as to why she was still friends with this person, SIL replied, "because if I'm not her friend, she has no one else". Also SIL's children are close to Nicky, which she says is a factor too.

Last night, BIL very nicely invited me, DH and DD to his birthday party. Nicky was in attendance, and VERY obviously ignored both myself and DH, but spoke happily to DD. I was tempted to ask her why she was being so rude, but thought it was neither the time or place. However, when talking on the phone today to MIL, who knows about this, I told her that me and DH had a chat last night. DH does not want to attend any further functions to which Nicky is invited, as he does not see why we should be subjected to rudeness. As he says, "the fact that she kicks everyone doesn't mean that being kicked doesn't hurt".

So AIBU to think that if you were SIL, you would have told supposed "friend" to sod off long ago? And that you would not want to see Nicky again, irrespective of how long she has been a family friend?

OP posts:
vezzie · 12/10/2014 23:16

You don't need to formally do anything about Nicky. You can either not go to things where you know she will be, or you can go if they are the kind of events where you can avoid / ignore her. but I don't think you should issue some "her or me" formal ultimatum.
She sounds very troubled. I can see why SIL feels unable to cut her out so you can only choose to attend things or not attend them.
It's different if she starts being horrible to your dcs, then you might have to step up to protect them.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 12/10/2014 23:16

I think the theory that sausage has come up with isn't too far off the mark actually.

Darkandstormynight · 12/10/2014 23:17

YANBU. If I were your SIL, I would have gotten rid of her long ago. I also do not think you are BU to not attend with this Nicky character in attendance as well.

123upthere · 12/10/2014 23:17

Probably one of those people whose defence system is in permanent acidic mode, to ward off anyone getting close

But that's no excuse for rudeness like this

The weight issues, wanting a partner, kids etc yes can see that but still no excuse for such rudeness to you & DH

Baffled. Does she fancy BIL? Is there something going on with all of them? Is she blackmailing SIL? Blush

(Tired here, but can't sleep hence random theories!)

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:17

Yes, you are right, if the peanut butter sandwich incident didn't end the friendship, Nicky is around for the foreseeable.

It's not my MIL who arranges family events TBH. When SIL and BIL were sorting who was going to go out for Xmas dinner, MIL made sure that they didn't invite Nicky before us, as she didn't want Nicky to go if we went, as Nicky would then cause an atmosphere. And that was BEFORE I said anything to MIL myself.

If we have boxed ourselves into a corner, then I kind of think so be it. If they want this person in their lives no matter what she does or who she upsets, then clearly it is we who would be ostracised should we ever tackle Nicky directly.

OP posts:
Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 12/10/2014 23:17

How about all the people she is foul to, you and Dh and bil Uncle Tom cobbly and all all sit her down and ask her why she isn't very nice to you what her fucking problem is?. Unless she is She hulk, doubt she could take on the lot of you. Grin
Really, I'm with your Dh, I wouldn't want to be in the same county as this woman. She is clinging on to sil as she is the only one who will put up with her.

CadmiumRed · 12/10/2014 23:18

I wondered about a SIL / Nicky relationship, too!

2minsofyourtime · 12/10/2014 23:19

Sorry I missed read it as you told your mil that you wouldn't be attending any of her gatherings rather than you sil.

123upthere · 12/10/2014 23:22

Next time she leaves table to go to loo at restaurant or hopefully public place, follow her and just have a word.

Or this Xmas could be perfect time to get it all sorted out either by not attending any gatherings or by 'forgetting' to invite grumpy elf

Momagain1 · 12/10/2014 23:22

Is MIL inviting Nicky, or is dSIL bringing her along as if she is a younger sister or something?

Their relationship is very weird. I was going to say maybe dsil just needs a really good excuse to dump her because of being aware she is the last friend N has. But, PB sandwich.

YANBU, your family has become a sort of a crutch, a sham social life enabled by dsil. Nicky needs to face up to her real issues. It was never her size, being overweight is not an automatic bar to finding a partner. But being a mean person with a PA streak is.

123upthere · 12/10/2014 23:25

Yy momagain, maybe she IS somehow related? Another sibling that no one was allowed to speak of? There's def something more that MIL knows too. She's gets away with peanut butter sandwich knowing the risks to BIL selfish narcissist behaviour springs to mind.

CadmiumRed · 12/10/2014 23:26

MIL is a red herring in the OP. Her only role was to be on the phone and be told about the conversation the OP and her DH were having about not wanting to go to any more gatherings that Nicky is at.

HavanaSlife · 12/10/2014 23:26

Have you written about this before? Was their a party for your gran or something that sil asked you not to attend because of this friend ?

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:27

Harlow - it does matter now, yes. It's been going on so long, and I have tried patience, understanding, being nice, but she is downright hostile now.

And she took the ingredients for the sandwich to their house and made it in their front room!

Cadmium - SIL is DH's sibling

Sausage fries - ooh. SIL did say to me once that what Nicky wanted in her ideal world was for her and SIL to live together with SIL's kids, but in a non-sexual way. SIL is the straightest person ever, so totally non-reciprocated.

OP posts:
HavanaSlife · 12/10/2014 23:28

Ahh actually it cant be unless you have changed some details?

Either way she sounds fucking awful, id attend and confront her in future or stay away

sausagefries · 12/10/2014 23:31

Well, I hate to use the word but it has to be said, Nicky honestly sounds crazy. It doesn't sound like a very healthy friendship.

CadmiumRed · 12/10/2014 23:35

It sounds as if she has some very unhealthy possessive fixation on your SIL.

I think your DH should have a chat with his sister and ask her what is going on and why she is allowing her DH to be near allergied to death, and why she allows someone to be so rude and disrespectful to her family and ask her if there is any problem because it just isn't a nice or normal situation.

And say he doesn't want your DD to witness her horrible behaviour, ad he is surprised that SIL allows her DC to see the way this woman treats their father.

All the better if MIL emerges and is supportive, too.

I think talking as kindly but directly as possible to SIL will be better than ultimatums.

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:36

Havanas - not me, no.

It is making me think about how weird it all is. BIL had to confront SIL about it a few years ago when Nicky was at their house all the time over the weekend, every weekend. He wanted family time, so Nicky took herself out of the way for a while.

Thought of another instance - a few weeks ago, I had arranged with SIL to meet up with the kids and my mum, MIL etc at a wildlife park. When I walked through the gates, who is sat there smoking, but Nicky. She looked at me and very pointedly looked away. So I shouted over to her "hi Nicky". She then pretended to look around and do a double take, then all sweetness and light says "oh hi".

SIL etc, had been there a few hours when we got there. Next thing I know, we saw SIL and family. Said "where's Nicky?" SIL said "oh she said she had had enough now and has gone home". Just weird!!!!

OP posts:
CadmiumRed · 12/10/2014 23:37

I don't even think she sounds safe to be around.

That peanut butter stunt - a teaspoonful could easily find it's way into a cake at the next party....

cooki3monst3r · 12/10/2014 23:38

You are absolutely NOT BU.

If someone is being rude to you, or horrible or generally makes you feel uncomfortable then of course it would be reasonable of you to decline to be in her presence.

Ultimatums or demands on your SIL don't need to come in to it. You shouldn't have to put up with such ridiculous behaviour.

You should probably talk to you SIL about it though.

Hopefully this will be a wake up call to your SIL.

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:38

Cadmium - agree, except I have the most non-confrontational DH in the world. He spoke to his mum when she phoned today, and mentioned it then, but if think he won't go any further. He has been brought up not to rock the boat.

OP posts:
123upthere · 12/10/2014 23:39

It's what you said earlier Sausage. Exactly that. She has a thing for SIL even if you say SIL is as straight as whatever. She's prob just good at hiding it.
Also Nicky poss feels threatened by your presence/role in the extended family simply because you are another female. It could be as simple as that in which case there is really nothing you can do to change someone like this apart from change your behaviour towards it. Ie stop caring so much.

It's still really weird though.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2014 23:40

No excuse for rude obnoxious behaviour. I would not go to any functions if she's there, hopefully SIL will take the hint and see her in her own time. She's not family.

Original poster
Mrbumpsbruises · 12/10/2014 23:44

Teaspoon of peanut butter. Bloody hell, didn't think of that. Not sure if she quite has the balls TBH.

I have discussed with DH that I don't want DD seeing her dad and mum treated like that, because I want her to be aware of what are acceptable boundaries and what to do if they are crossed. DH completely agrees and thinks he "should not be made to feel uncomfortable at his own family's party".

I think Nicky has something on SIL. Wonder if SIL has always been faithful on their nights out?

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 12/10/2014 23:45

All very odd.