To have a weird sense that I am not living where I am meant to be?

[ocelot41]

OK, I know this is a total First World Problem. I have a healthy DS, a job which is ok ( not great, but ok), and a decent relationship with DH. Lots and lots to be thankful for.

But... I never wanted to live where I do. I have lived in places which I genuinely loved in the past and it brought something really important to my day to day life.

It isn't awful but it just doesn't feel like my home and never has - it was always meant to be temporary. But ten years on, we are still here. It works for everyone else and DH thinks I have a bad case of 'the grass is always greener' but... I don't love it. It doesn't feel right.

I have just turned 40 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life just makes me want to cry. Does anyone else get this?

WWYD?

Do you have a county or specific area in mind?

Could do around Stevenage or Peterborough?

Well compromise is good of course! But I can't help think the focus on jobs has muddied the waters a bit. What's most important to you OP? A great job albeit with a tricky commute, or a great lifestyle and a slower pace?

I've worked elsewhere from where I've lived doing a long distance commute and it is hard. You have a foot in two camps so you are juggling 2x sets of friendships, responsibilities etc. I ended feeling I was always missing out on something wherever I was... However I was only in my 20s so maybe that wouldn't be the case now?

I will be reading the answers to this post.

A calmer life definitely. But at the moment I commute an hour and a half across London either way 3-4 x a week in someone's armpit. Doing two and a bit hours where I can sit down and get some work done twice a week looks like an improvement to me. Or am I a crazy lady? What I don't want to happen is that a night a week becomes two or three - my LO is too L for that!

It sounds from your posts that you pretty much want to live anywhere that isn't London. Stevenage or Peterborough?! I don't want to insult anyone who lives there, but are they really the rural/scenic/characterful places you've been picturing when you wish you could live somewhere else? Are you really sure that a change in location would in itself make you happy?

No insult taken - Hitchen (outside Stevenage) is a pleasant market town a short drive from the Chilterns. It would be a big improvement from where we are now but it is far, far too built up for my tastes. But then where isn't in the SE? I don't love it, but it would be a compromise option.

Whereabouts in the north? The train lines are completely different depending on where you need to get to.

Where do you live now - are you willing to say? (Obvs I don't NEED to know this, am just curious.)

Move to Northern Ireland- lots of beauty & tons of places commuting distance from belfast. You may even be able to buy a decent property outright & have no mortgage!

I'm from here but so much happier being back. There's more time & sooooo much green. Went from good management job to pt min wage but this is defo the place for me. Find somewhere that you can compromise-agree big commutes are awful tho.

Good luck x

Grubby bit of Sarf London MrsMcColl

Ooo, totally relate. It was a grubby bit of sarf London that we left...

How long can you imagine doing the working in the Dales/living near-ish London for? It sounds like a staging post to me. Something you could do for a fixed period but would need to know it was time-bound? Long commutes can loose their appeal pretty quickly! You begin by thinking "hurrah, time to myself, time to work, time to read etc" and end by hating all other commuters, drunk people on trains late at night, delays, broken heating in carriages in winter, having to eat train sandwiches for your tea, always being about to arrive or about to leave somewhere.... Of course I'm massively projecting, but I'd caution against thinking this is the solution. It's probably not quite that. But it might be a step along the way?

Do you and your DP have a longer term plan? How do you see the next 5-10 years of your lives panning out?

I live in sarf London too. Not especially grubby, where we are - lots of green spaces and up a hill. I totally feel like I'm in the right place, but I know how it feels to feel like you're not. (A remote village in my case, many miles from school and friends, and no possibility of ever doing anything that people didn't talk about.)

I am Leeds born and raised and I still live here. There's very few places I'd rather live. My job is far from ideal but it is the right environment for me.
I hope to change job soon to something more suitable for me. My home is a one bedroom flat just five minutes drive from work and all I need on my doorstep. Lovely countryside close at hand.

I would like more money, a house and not to live alone but otherwise I'm doing okay. Every day I am thankful that I own my humble abode is mine, not rented. In this respect I consider myself very fortunate.

I can see the sea from my house. I cannot fully explain how much it helps me. I have a fairly stressful job and home is my haven of calm and respite.

Every time I go on holiday I yearn to come back home.

So, yes - I'd say that for many of us our happiness can be greatly affected by where we live.

DH and I recently moved from London back to where we grew up. We were in London 10 years and always knew we wouldn't settle there. I want to be on chatting terms with my neighbours, see family more often, get out to the countryside quickly. Even though we're still in a city we have all that (plus a bigger property and all the culture a city can offer) and I'm fully confident they'll be carrying me out of this house in my coffin.

Thing is, DH still works in London- his job is also tied to the City. He starting contracting in his previous field and now works part of the week from the SE and part from home. It's a really good arrangement and has allowed us to live where it feels 'right'. Could your DH consider something similar?

That's interesting Kwazi how many days a week does your DH spend in the big smoke? How do you manage it financially? My DH is not in the commercial sector so we always thought that would be prohibitively expensive, and were reluctant to be apart for 4 days a week. So it is interesting to hear from someone who has found an arrangement that works for them!

Coming rather late to this, OP, but I feel the same way. I've now lived 16 years in a place I never wanted to live. We came here because DP has family here. I've always hated it, but DP refuses to move. I gave up asking in the end. His view is that it's me, that I see the grass as greener, I'd be unhappy wherever I lived etc. Of course, that's because he loves it here - if we were somewhere I wanted to be, he would no doubt hate it. But this way he gets to cast me as the unreasonable one.

Oh I get that too hackmum! Where would you rather be?

We kind of have that too hackmum. We live in the city that DH grew up in (different area of the city though) and he never wants to move out. I've never felt settled here, and increasingly feel I am not living the life I am meant to. Sometimes I think once the children are finished with school I will just move, with or without him. I know it sounds harsh, but I really don't think he will want to move, and what if wherever we are one of us is unhappy?

He does 2 or 3 in London and 2 or 3 at home each week. Leaves at sparrow's fart in the morning so he has to spend less time away. We (me and 2 preschool) actually see much more of him this way than if he worked locally 9-6, say.

It is more expensive with train fares etc and he sees his share of cheap b&bs, but that's the compromise we've chosen. He is still getting London wages after all, so it's not that bad.

It seems you can get more flexibility as a contractor btw - name your terms etc. Are you in a field where that's an option?

I saw this thread last week, but felt I had to reply!

If you are 40 Ocelot, this in my mind, is a great age to move.

I moved at age 50, and I tink it is harder to adapt. I stayed 10 years somewhere I tolerated but felt very unhappy in, and it coloured everything. When I finally moved, I wondered why I waited so long. Of course I had a list of reasons WHY I couldn't move and some of them were genuine, practical obstacles. I had no money, no house, no friends, no car, a young baby/child, etc etc. OTOH, I still could have JUST MOVED!!

So, whilst I think its great to make plans, or a plan, and think of ways to achieve what you want practically, I do believe some of the obstacles are in our mind.

If you get in touch with the real, deep reasons you feel need to move (and that is what I get from the title of your thread, it sounds like you really feel it), I think that will really help too, and you will be able to discuss with your DH from a place of knowing what you really want.

At the risk of reanimating a VERY old thread I wanted to thank everyone who contributed to this. You really helped spur me on to a more forceful discussion of this problem. The decision is made now, I have a new job and we are finally moving to a city I LOVE - Edinburgh!!