To have a weird sense that I am not living where I am meant to be?

[ocelot41]

OK, I know this is a total First World Problem. I have a healthy DS, a job which is ok ( not great, but ok), and a decent relationship with DH. Lots and lots to be thankful for.

But... I never wanted to live where I do. I have lived in places which I genuinely loved in the past and it brought something really important to my day to day life.

It isn't awful but it just doesn't feel like my home and never has - it was always meant to be temporary. But ten years on, we are still here. It works for everyone else and DH thinks I have a bad case of 'the grass is always greener' but... I don't love it. It doesn't feel right.

I have just turned 40 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life just makes me want to cry. Does anyone else get this?

WWYD?

It isn't the salary ( neither of us earns mega bucks but far less than this would be fine elsewhere). It is getting to do exactly the kind of work he likes to do because he finds that really meaningful. Which I get but it really SUCKS in terms of what I want. Now wheres that ?

I haven't read all the posts but yes this is me , I even had to check your post in case I had written it! We have been here 17 years , it doesn't feel like home , just that really .We have missed the boat to move so probably stuck here now.I try not to think about it

Why is it women who always have to suck it up? Someone remind me - I am three down and mad as hell.

Good, get mad. It's blatantly unfair if he won't even consider a change. I'm cheering you on! I hope you can make your DH see how unhappy it makes you.

Thanks Lizzie. You're lovely, you are.

It's just that being out the other side of exactly the same issue made us both realise how bloody ridiculous it was we didn't decide to move sooner.
I should have been more forceful earlier on, he should have grown up been a bit braver at facing change.

Again, it's the same deal with my DH - he does something he believes to be meaningful but it doesn't pay well, and it certainly doesn't support us. I had to give up my original career when the DCs came along, because his long hours meant I'd never fit a London commute plus 9-5 around affordable childcare. I now scratch around freelancing from home. After lots of bitter arguments he's realised the only reason we are still in London is for his job, so if he wants to keep it he can bloody well make the sacrifice of a commute.

We had a short holiday together in my home town last year and for the first time he got to visualise the reality of living outside London. I didn't push him or even talk about the possibility of moving. Just let him come to his own conclusions. He'd still probably rather stay put but can see that the kids would be so much better off elsewhere. Could you go away for a weekend and do something similar?

Yep, yet another kindred spirit here! Just the voice of experience- we have moved loads pre amdnpost kids and it's not so easy! Feel we have v shallow roots, miss people/places all over and always the new prople in town. And am sick of being new. Yet where we live not a good fit. Competitive, materialistic cliquey home counties. Not me at all. Dream of that perfect laid back but arty and convenient coastal charatcer town surrounded by lovely countryside. Not sure any such place exists except on holiday! I think we could find a better fit, sounds like you could too, OP. But you obviously never get it all right for everyone.

Whistable perchance? Bournemouth, I am told, is also pretty cool these days TheDogs

I would think of today's conversation as planting a seed rather than anything else. I wouldn't get him to quickly find another job that may not be suitable, but more open up the conversation towards change, so having a think about what is important to you in terms of house/area and also jobs-wise- so that when a better job comes up for either of you, you are more ready to seize the opportunity.

It took us a few years to get a home/area/work combo that we both agree on, or at least neither of us feels like we dislike- you can't have one basically unhappy partner, otherwise that is just not a lifestyle that works for the whole family.

Your husband may be more flexible than you think, once he puts his mind to solving the problem, but more importantly, now you have clearly stated you do not wish to remain here for many more years.

I am afraid this is not a new conversation Hair today. It is at least 5 years old, just a bit drunker than usual.

So how does your DH see this story ending OP, if you've been saying this for 5 years?

I hate to say this but we have been having this conversation for at least 15 years. Dh has finally conceded that we should have moved 10 years ago but it's too late now , we live in an area which people from London move out to .

Prices are inflated by a seemingly endless supply of people selling houses for a million in a London and buying a country pile for £600k .Our house is modern , non estate but not trendy Eco ( v popular around here ) so does not command a London premium, I don't want a bigger house but I do want more privacy and to get away from our weird neighbours and bigger bathrooms , but we can't find anything that isn't smaller than this, but £150k more and we are fifty and can't afford to extend mortgage , ergo we are trapped

I know exactly what you mean op. I am back in my home town after getting pregnant 7 years ago and have been here ever since. It's lovely and postcard pretty but also dull, parochial, small minded and like a goldfish bowl. Lots of uncomfortable triggering memories.
I'd love to love to London or Bristol. I miss urban life after doing uni in Liverpool. The trouble is dd is settled at school and I gave family and friends for support here. I feel trapped tbh.

Also as a single mum it will. Be hard to make the move alone.

The dogs; your dream costal town sounds very much like Lyme Regis....it's beautiful and arty. As is St Ives.

I would have skipped this thread six months ago but recently realised I don't fit where I have lived for twenty years anymore. I was talking to Mum and she said well people grow out of places and I think that's me

When I came here I started a family got married etc and this town was a perfect fit but now five years divorced surrounded by people and good friends still living my previous life with my previous outlook for the future I don't belong here.

In three years my DD will be of an age that I could justify moving and saying come with me or stay and live at your Dads. Just knowing that has cheered me up and is enough to settle me down.

This town is nice and with lots of green , on the edge of tons of lovely countryside and twenty minutes from Kings Cross but so ordinary and lacking any kind of edge.

When I go back to the West Country where I spent my teens I just instantly feel like I'm at home. I do wonder if that's a subconscious yearning for those happy years as much as the place.

Thankfully I have no partner to consider so if I can find the courage when the time comes I'll be able to up sticks and go. I don't know the answer OP but I agree with thowe saying don't give up if you feel that strongly about it

OP, I am nearly 47, and moved out of the south around 17 years ago to the midlands. I have also lived in 34 different places, having originally come to the Uk when I was 7. So, i now live in an 1880s house, in a village, with a canalside garden, have my own business plus do consultancy, having had jobs up here earning £50k, and can categorically say that the qualoty of life is so much better even though i do miss my artsy chums but there are other artsy people up here that i hang about with. Facebook makes it easier to keep in touch with them these days.

One chum of mine lives in brighton and commutes to london and around the world, and runs marathons in his spare time. He has two kids, and a wife. You could easily go back to the coast and have him commute, it is a bit mean of him to not disucss this bearing in mind that you have sacrificed things for him and to have kids.

The dogs; your dream costal town sounds very much like Lyme Regis....it's beautiful and arty. As is St Ives

Or Totnes, it's close enough to the coast. (Or anywhere in the south hams really).

Oh yes!
I live somewhere lovely, perfect for the life stage I'm at now.
But I know its an episode in the book.

Progress report folks. After a few days of Full and Frank Negotiations we have reached an agreement to look at commutable areas and/or to look at relocating near the rail line which goes north so that I could pursue this job in sunny Yorkshire by staying over one night a week ( they only need me physically in the office two days a week). He has agreed that I have supported his career a lot over the years at a cost to me and now deserve some support back. It isn't my dream of ' of course let's bugger off to the beautiful Dales and get a house with a beautiful view and BREATHE again' but compromises are now happening. Yay! I would be sad to be away from my LO for one night a week but... it is only one night. What do you all think?

Hmm. Would the place near the rail line going North be somewhere you'd want to live though? Otherwise you'll just make youself pine for settling in the Dales more by spending 2 days a week there, and spending your time with people who do live there.