To have a weird sense that I am not living where I am meant to be?

[ocelot41]

OK, I know this is a total First World Problem. I have a healthy DS, a job which is ok ( not great, but ok), and a decent relationship with DH. Lots and lots to be thankful for.

But... I never wanted to live where I do. I have lived in places which I genuinely loved in the past and it brought something really important to my day to day life.

It isn't awful but it just doesn't feel like my home and never has - it was always meant to be temporary. But ten years on, we are still here. It works for everyone else and DH thinks I have a bad case of 'the grass is always greener' but... I don't love it. It doesn't feel right.

I have just turned 40 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life just makes me want to cry. Does anyone else get this?

WWYD?

You aren't asking for DH to do a huge commute.
If everyone's lives will improve in many ways -apart from his journey, it's time for him to suck it up.

Yes sometimes, we moved five years ago to be nearer my family when DH got a job nearby. It feels longer, however, as I used to visit before moving. I feel sometimes like I am trespassing on my mum's territory which sounds a bit silly, I know. I didn't plan on coming back to the area and sometimes wish I'd held out for somewhere more scenic. I don't plan to stay here forever; at the moment I think I'd like to move when the children leave school although the youngest is only 21 months so that won't be for a while!

On the other hand, we have a lovely house and garden, primary school at least is very close and excellent so I know I am very lucky in that respect.

I think the thing is although DH is enjoying parenthood more now, he feels the things he has 'lost' very keenly from his old single life. I get that - parenthood IS a right slog sometimes esp if you have no family nearby. So he regards this as the last nail in the coffin of his old life....

We were in quite a similar situation (not in London) in that I lived somewhere I loved when I met my now DH. He has lived in the same place all his life. We had a long distance relationship initially but when it came time to move, I was the one who moved. I don't love it here at all. Where I lived before was beautiful, lovely architecture everywhere, it made my heart sing just being there.
I've been living here now for about 12 years and it started to really get me down. We had a long talk about it a couple of years back, I know my DH loves it where we are now and he feels the same about here as I did about where I used to live. But it's just not fair for one person to have that and the other one not. I asked him to imagine how he'd feel in my position, if he was living somewhere he disliked and I refused to move? He saw that it was unfair and making me very unhappy, so eventually (took him a year, and many discussions) we decided to move. We've spent most of this year finding somewhere and now have found somewhere that will hopefully work for both of us.

I live in London, but on the edge of a large beautiful wood. We are zone 4 so it's not proper London, but it certainly satisfies that urge for green for me. Could you find somewhere more suitable than where you are within London?

Totally sympathise with your predicament, I don't think you should stay where you are anyway, these must be a possible compromise somehow!

Ocelot - you could be me. Have been in London nearly 15 years and always felt I was here on sufferance. Feel like I'm in captivity in a small, ugly corner of an indifferent city. Sounds dramatic and hideously first-world problem but I honestly think it's suffocated who I am being here. My DH is from London (though a far nicer area) and has always thought I was making a fuss. But I guess the turning point came with DCs and, more specifically, DS getting into a crap school on a desperately run-down estate. It suddenly made DH wake up to the idea of moving and we spent weekends driving around commuterville. Trouble is, places we both liked weren't defined by London - ie far enough away to have their own thing going on and therefore not an easy commute.

Looks like we might now be signing up for a mega commute and moving back to my home town in the south west. DH will do a mixture of working from home, commuting and staying overnight. I've spent the last four years building up a home-based business so fingers crossed will carry on with that. Can hardly dare believe we're finally leaving but also feel like it's on my head if it doesn't work out...

Good luck with your next step - identify an area and then work a serious charm offensive!

I feel like my 'home' is in NZ, can't explain why but I've always felt this way. DH will never consider moving there, so I'm stuck here.

It is so comforting to hear from so many kindred spirits, although sad that a lot of you also haven't found your own way forward yet either. Dogrilla you could be me too! The places I really like are further away too, so they aren't swallowed by commuterville. I wish you all the best with your brave move.

We had another heatedemotional discussion about it last night and I am feeling so out of sorts and estranged from DH this morning. He isn't horrible - so thanks all of you for not just doing a LTB number on me. We just want very different things and I don't know how to fix that. It is turning us both into rather discontented, grumpy people who aren't quite 'ourselves' and that seems a big shame as our DS' childhood won't come back!

At the risk of outing myself, the reason why switching to a commute - even a short one - is a big deal is because DH loves cycling to work. It is his 'thing' and a big part of his identity.

He used to do mammoth cycles at weekends when I did shift work. I then changed career to a less high powered, but more family-friendly job before trying for DC and he still did a bit of that. But then a baby came along and vanishing off for a whole day every weekend looks mightily like Taking the Piss.

To his great credit, he got that without me having to have that conversation - although I did offer for him to go for a full day maybe every two or three weeks so he didn't have to give it up altogether. He said it didn't really work like that as groups of guys who do this kind of thing do it together every weekend, you don't really drop in and out of it.

So he has lost getting to do his big hobby at the weekends and I am asking him to give it up on weekdays too. Hence the BIG DEAL.

I tried asking if there is anything else he would really like to do maybe a night or two a week, or for a day every other weekend to meet some new friends and he just looks .

Oh its really tough when others are involved.

I grew up feeling like I didn't belong and made my move when i went to Uni at 19. Absolutely the best decision I ever made and even now when i go back to my parents, I still hate it. In my heart I feel like I belong in the mountains, the Lakes or North Wales. I am pragmatic though and I know I couldn't cope with the cold or isolation. We have the South Downs very close and the sea so I'm happy.

What was easy as a free and single 19 year old would be different tomtryign to,do the same now though, dh has work which wouldnt easily move and the dses are settled in school, so I do get the difficulties you are facing.

There aren't any easy answers, I guess compromise would be the way forward. As your dc's get older surely dh going off for all day cycles one day at the weekend wont be so tough. Therefore his cycling commute wont be such a wrench to give up.

I am not sure it would work if it was a whole day every weekend as I also work f/t and could do with a break myself as well as some family time. But I don't know - DS is still very young. Maybe it gets easier as they get older and play alone or with friends sometimes?

I know you said his job is welded to London, but is it really really not possible for him to even look elsewhere? Changing job was the final thing that has enabled our house/location move.

It would probably mean a complete career change for him Lizzieand that isn't something he wants to do.

There are the odd one or two jobs in that field in the places I would like to like, but they are much less rewarding and high-powered than where he currently works and if that job didn't work out for whatever reason, there wouldn't be anything else he could move to. He would be stuck.

I think the main thing is - I have changed. I really want to get off the hamster wheel of gotta work harder- gotta earn more - because everything is so hideously expensive in the SE. I want to kick back a bit, maybe work fewer hours, play more, take long walks together and ENJOY the time we have

It all just seems so much HARD WORK with small DC and a normal family income in London - it is a real grind and that feels like a bit of a waste of a life to me. But his work does mean a lot to him which is why I have been working really hard to find viable compromise options.

We live in Oxfordshire and my dh commutes to London every day. He is also a keen cyclist so he cycles the 10 miles to the station in the morning and then from Paddington to the City, and back again in the evening. He cycles about 30 miles a day doing this and has said that every day cycling has done so much more for his fitness than doing a couple of big rides at the weekend instead.

That might be a good way forward Dexter. Does make for quite a long commute though - how do you manage it as a family? Are you a SAHM?

Can you offer him a move to somewhere where there is great cycling? Tell him you are more happy for him to go on cycling events if you live somewhere you are happy and can put down roots and create a network for yourself, rather than living like ever week is the week you decide to up and move?

He leaves at 6 in the morning and gets back at 7.45 so it is a long day. My dd is 17 now but he has always done it so I have never known anything different.

I live in Sarf Essex, and have made cycling part of my commute. Not 10 miles to the station, however! (snaps to dexter's DH!) That said, very affordable, but gorgeous and grand houses can be had that are further away from the train stations.

I personally like the Southend area because it's near the sea and there's enough good architecture to enjoy (albeit mainly only starting from Victorian). And Leigh is where you live in Essex if you wished you could live in North London, IYSWIM. But further in (central and rural) Essex are lovely green spaces and older architecture (Georgian and similar) - don't know about the "lifestyles" of those areas, though.

Which part of London? If the City, Essex may well be perfect for your DH.

Another kindred spirit here.

We settled in the SE nearly 20 years ago after DH got his first job here and it was easier for me to get a job in London than him move back up to the Midlands. Was only going to be for 5 years or so...

Now we both have settled jobs and a DS in school here. And it does feel like home when we've been away but I struggle with imagining that this is where I might spend the rest of my life. Every time we go back up to see family or friends near my home town I feel at home immediately.

Having a child after having settled life's and hobbies together is tricky. My DH has found it difficult to adjust to not disappearing off at the weekend for his hobby whenever he wants.

I feel like this. I come from a small family who all live in the same town except me who lives 30 miles away with DP, DD and DS. Economic reasons keep us here. I dream of moving back 'home-way' when the kids are older or have left school.

I know how you feel. I have been living in my current home for 9 years but feel no emotional attachment to the area whatsoever and have never really regarded it as home. Over the last couple of years it has really begun to get me down. I don't even go out for walks in the evening after work anymore because I just feel depressed walking around the area.

I have had my place valued and am hoping to move in the next year.

DH and I are stuck with this. He never wants to live outside the city we are in, I grew up in the countryside. I don't want to go back to being really rural, but would love to move to a smaller town, am fully prepared to commute, but think we could get so much more house (instead of our current flat that I hate in a depressing area) for our money and better surroundings to live in. There are lots of places in easy commuting distance of the city we currently live in.

DH has never lived outside this city. He can currently walk to work. The children are settled in school. I kind of feel resigned to living in the city for another ten years (although hopefully we will move to a better area soon) but after that I hope to move elsewhere. Not sure how he will feel then, but then 10 years is a long time so my feelings may be different and the options available will probably have changed.

We live in a commuter town outside London. We moved here as family are near, the kids school is close by, the house is newish and relatively easy to look after, my dh can walk to the train station to get to work (and walk the other end) and we are nearish to the town centre. It is such a practical option for us, and like OOAOML I am resigned to it for now as it works for us as a family. But, it does nothing for me on a spiritual level, we live on a soulless housing estate and I look out of the window and just see concrete. However I do love our garden and I try and remind myself how practical it is for us. Good luck op.

I always used to have this weird feeling that I was going home when I visited a small town in the Yorkshire Dales.I have recently met a distant relative who has found that is where many of my ancestors lived going as far back as the 1500s