To have a weird sense that I am not living where I am meant to be?

[ocelot41]

OK, I know this is a total First World Problem. I have a healthy DS, a job which is ok ( not great, but ok), and a decent relationship with DH. Lots and lots to be thankful for.

But... I never wanted to live where I do. I have lived in places which I genuinely loved in the past and it brought something really important to my day to day life.

It isn't awful but it just doesn't feel like my home and never has - it was always meant to be temporary. But ten years on, we are still here. It works for everyone else and DH thinks I have a bad case of 'the grass is always greener' but... I don't love it. It doesn't feel right.

I have just turned 40 and the thought that this is it for the rest of my life just makes me want to cry. Does anyone else get this?

WWYD?

Where were you thinking of moving to?

I ask because we did something similar, move out of London to a town that means it's about 30 minutes on the train to Cannon Street, and DH can walk to his office in less than 5 minutes from there, paid through the nose to be sub 1 mile from the station at this end to keep the commute to a minimum (but I can see hills from my upstairs windows and tractors drive by regularly, tractors!)

DH is a very keen cyclist and used to commute to work in London by bike, however there's much more of a riding culture here, a lot of the dads are part of cycling clubs, there's lots of road or mountain bike clubs going out Sunday mornings, during the season, there's lots of local races, evening time trials etc.

The compromise we have for DH's cycling is Sunday mornings are his, he can get up as early as he likes as long as he's back for lunch. Also once the DCs are in bed, he can train as much as he likes.

There's also a lot of blokes to ride to the station every day, so if you don't need to be walkable to the station, you could move further out, get more house for your money and he could ride to the station each day.

Being outside of london would make cycling easier to do. Worth looking into? (and for the cycling clubs, most have families too, so understand you can't give up whole days every weekend, they do long rides every few weeks, but most weekly rides are only a half day and meet early, making most of the 'not taking the piss' time!)

We moved a few years ago and it's a nice house but just not as rural as I would like. However my eldest has just started at great school and my DH doesn't want to move so I feel like I need to accept where I am and count my blessings for now. I would definitely advise moving before your DS is school age otherwise everything gets much harder.

I really appreciate all your helpful words of advice and solidarity. Mary would you mind messaging me where you are? It sounds a pretty good option.

In terms of where I was looking - I left a mg on the Hertfordshire board as quite a lot of places near to or in the Chilterns have a fast, direct line into either Euston or KX which is good for us. I also know Kent quite well and have a bit of a love affair with the villages outside Ashford (which has the high speed although £££ line into St Pancras).

Both have hills and an obvious cycling culture so I thought they would be possibly good compromises (although the schools situation once you get within an easy commute is always HIDEOUS). They seemed the best match for the Dales (which I also long for Minnie and which WOO ALERT! I also recently found I have family connections to going back to the 14th C). Very odd- exactly the village in a not v popular Dale which I keep coming back to turns out to be where my Dad's mums family are from...

I am so scared of pushing and pushing on this and making everyone unhappy - what is I am wrong and it IS grass is always greener???

Oh and DS is already into school . Just primary though so not in the run up to exams or anything.

Oops, sorry, I just guessed he was a toddler! Not that helpful but I am sure he will appreciate extra space to run around etc.

DO NOT worry about DS. Unless he has some extra needs...kids can cope with moves, many move....change schools etc...they make new friends.

I had to move my DDs school for year 3 and she was fine and she was a very shy child then.

We're moving again once primary is done for her...then my younger DD will be in year 3...they cope. I wouldn't start shifting about too much once secondary is really sorted but even then...it's not the end of the world.x

This has really struck a chord with me, particularly as close friends have just announced they are moving to the South West and I'm feeling really jealous. Both Dh and I are from London, our parents are here and DH works in a very niche area and enjoys cycling to work. We both like what London has to offer in terms of culture and activities/experiences for children and it does feel like "home". However, I also turned 40 this year and an having a real "grass is greener" moment. We live in a tiny house in a very built up area and I find it increasingly hard to imagine living so surrounded by other people for the rest of my life!

My brother lives in between Basingstoke & Winchester. He can catch the train into work & run (for cross training) from Clapham Junction into the City. Witley in Surrey has good trains & is fairly country (beyond Milford junction on the A3) so past Guildford. Possible to cycle to the station for daily exercise & to keep car costs down. pullborough is further out & the train takes 70 mins into Victoria. It just depends where his office is in London.

Thanks East, am taking notes! I think this really does come to a head after DC because you don't really have the time or disposable income to do much good 'London' stuff any more so you just end up living with the hard bits!

Really relate to this thread! We moved out of London a few months ago, major move way up North. We've taken some risks to do it, my DP has gone freelance and my job is temporary (though been offered an extension). Making the decision was a really long process but once we'd both resigned our London jobs and were committed, everything since then has felt immeasurably easier! Deciding to actually do it was definitely harder than actually doing it IYSWIM? We are still in a process, we are renting and looking to buy somewhere more rural. I feel irrationally guilty about creating instability in my DC's life. BUT I don't cry when I come home after a weekend like I used to. I don't despair when I look out of the window. I'm in a city where there is beauty everywhere. We are so blessed and I feel that now, whereas I used to tell myself that but not really believe it.

I strongly urge you to keep talking and to get some sort of compromise out of your DP OP. Family life has improved so much for us since the move! Good luck

Ooh v jealous Face!

I live in a lovely place and really feel wrong here. DH would have to retrain or take a worse job with very little security if we were to move but I long to be near the sea or hills or both.

I also think the values of the area I live in don't chime with me - it feels a bit "me first" and very competitive. The older my DC get the harder I think it will be to move but I wonder if they will grow up to be people I don't relate to add well if we stay.

It does make me sad to think we will live here forever. We could retire somewhere else but I think that would make it very likely we won't be near our DC.

Sorry for not being more positive - nice to hear some people have just realised they were not happy and moved though.

The one thing I would say is that we did move to Scotland (back for me) for 2 years at one point and to be honest, I was less happy than I expected so maybe some of it is a case of the grass being greener. We had to move back south for DH's career but at least I feel we gave it a go.

The values of the people around you are a big deal and that isn't always apparent from looking. DH emigrated to this country and I am bi so the whole UKIP social conservatism thing is a bit scary ...

Ah, yes. The real reason the suburban South East got my back up, I fear.....Except for me, what always sticks in my throat most is the materialism it does make for some fabulous hand me downs for DS from my mum's mates' children though. A big bag of unworn Boden, for example

Where abouts in london does dh work? We live outside but dh commutes, an hour door to doir.

Kings Cross area Furcoat. I agree about the materialism, am more pinko lefty than is normal in many rural commutable spaces and desperately want to avoid the whole 'Polly HAS to have another pony' set if you know what I mean. I prefer proper farming territory, smells and all!

The not being able to relate to your kids thing really bothers me - I didn't want to have kids in the shithole I grew up in and where we do live now is another of those 'all about me, hyper-competitive' places. But DC will have more opportunities here. I've never found the place I want to spend all my days in.

Ocelot - I found that when you move out, to an area with houses similar priced to yours, then you'll find you are surrounded by people like you, if you live in an area with a decent commute to London, a lot of the others around you will be similar - in DS's class there are 3 families who used to live in either Greenwich or Blackheath and moved out for a bit more space, swapped the flat for a house etc.

there is the "preps and ponies" area of our town, but we couldn't afford to live round there anyway!

That's reassuring Mary. I am sure there are nice people with more money than me, just as there are nice people with less money than me - no judgement in that regard. But I want to get away from the 'gotta have more' mindset, not go straight from the frying pan into the fire!

it was always meant to be temporary. But ten years on, we are still here

Was it just you who thought it was going to be temporary or had you both agreed on it being temporary? From the tone of your posts, it sounds like the Blair / Brown pact: you went along with his needs for TEN WHOLE YEARS and now he's refusing to compromise at all.

Did he never want children; did you trick him in to having DS? Or did he want children too?

I very much doubt he couldn't have gone on the big cycle day once a month instead of every week. His "it doesn't work like that" translates to "See what I've given up for you, now you have to do everything I want in return." When in fact, he hasn't given anything up for you (unless you did indeed trick him into having DS, which I doubt.)

He has given up his weekend cycle days but he gets to live where he wants, do a job he loves, cycle to work (which he loves.) You are living somewhere you hate, doing a job which is OK but not great. You've probably given up a lot more, too.

Compromise has to be a two way street and he needs to grow the up. Put your foot down on this one, OP, as it will get more difficult to move as DS gets older, and you'll be more and more miserable.

I typed four asterisks between the and up in "grow the up" but it seems MN doesn't like that. Sorry.

Would you consider him living in London two or three nights a week. With you living somewhere amazing, alternative and hilly with good schools and community. What about chalford near stroud. Trains from Kemble to London

Lots of stunning walks and everyone cycles or jogs the hills

I love, love love the area around Stroud and Stroud itself. Unfortunately, although DH is well thought of for what he does, it is very much public sector and the financial double whammy of long distance trains plus staying in London regularly would be too much for us Glass.it does sound heaven though....

And thanks for the supportive growling Tea. I assure you, no trickery was involved!

This was me. When I left uni I got a job a fair distance from parental home - intended to stay a year. I met DH. We got a house approx 60 miles north of where we met , then after a few years moved back to where we met (which was where his family lived). Hard to explain the move without completely outing self, but was related to his work and we ended up living near his parents but not really a conscious decision to do so.

Fast forward 15 years - now had DD1 and DS, living in a lovely house BUT hated where I lived -didn't feel I belonged or that I wanted to be there - and overwhelming desire to move back to where I was born and bred.

Blurted out to DH how I felt - was a rant more than anything else about how I hated where I was living. Unbeknown to me he applied and got job offers in my home county. We moved (not easy selling house/downsizing due to cost/getting a job and finding schools for DC - oh and I was pregnant with DD2) but we did it and moved a couple of months before DD2 was born.

That was over 10 years ago - yes there were teething issues for DC settling into schools etc but now never regret it - also gave me the courage to change career (back to uni in my 40s) a few years ago - my life now is totally different to the one I had - and I (and family) are glad we made the move - it was tough but worth it