to mind DP saying our house is 'disgusting' and 'filthy'

[Meanderer]

Caveat - he does the majority of the cleaning (including bins and also washing up) because I do most of the other housework (childcare, food planning and shopping, cooking, admin you all know what I mean!)

..so it's not so much that he's criticising ME - although I can't help but feel that a little maybe in either his and/or my subconscious that's part of what bothers me.

..but that he's calling our home - in front of our daughter - filthy and disgusting..

Dust is disgusting! It's bad for your health, for starters.

And toilets take seconds to clean, dirty toilets just mean sheer laziness. It takes no effort to squirt some duck down there, give it a brush and flush.

I couldn't live somewhere with filthy toilets and dust all over the place.

After all OP is a woman, clean that house woman.

It's not about doing it because she's a woman!

Do you and he both work outside the home, OP? Because I think one person doing everything is unfair.

Also, that mouldy pool in the bottom of the fridge???

I'm about this thread, tbh.

Yes it is a bit odd this thread. Bout standard for AIBU though, nothing like telling someone their house is filthy and disgusting to make yourselves feel good.

I assume you both work op so an equal split is fair. If one is struggling though the other should chip in.
Note to dh who does sfa.

What exactly does 'doing the admin' involve?

Surely most bill paying etc is done online?

It's not like years ago, when you had to queue in the bank for half an hour to pay a couple of bills.

The OP is already doing a fair share of housework. If the DP is finding the toilets a bit smelly then he needs to up the amount of times he cleans them. It is that simple. I do most of the shopping and cooking and I find trying to come up with imaginative and different meals so you're not eating the same repertoire of 5-6 meals is time consuming.

Our downstairs loo suffers from not very good ventilation so even though the toilet is cleaned very regularly there can be at times a slight smell but I do agree that maybe you could both do a big blitz together every couple of weeks to make sure that it stays manageable

Oh come on, a bit of dust is not 'squalor'! I think people are getting a bit over excited.

Bakingaddict how time consuming is meal planning? Are you talking days, weeks? ReAlly can you not plan for the next week in an hour?

I'm guessing you have lots of hard floors? I get small 'dust bunnies' at the bottom of the cloakroom door if I don't hoover for 2 days...
That dust would be trapped in the carpet if you had one ...and it would look clean - so a few dust bunnies (with a hard floor) isn't filthy or disgusting ...

Smelly loo - usually due to men missing the loo, dribbles running down the front of the pan . When I was replacing the bathroom floor I was tempted to replace the hardboard under the loo -previous floor mustn't have been well sealed and wee must have managed to get under it - it stank. Only problem was the loo is on top of it - so I would have had to disconnect it to replace it ...I sprayed it with lots of neutradol (and I don't normally use air freshener) so I and DP etc didn't think it smelled bad anymore and then put the new floor down on top, well sealed. Even though Dp says it doesn't and it is all in my mind I am convinced when I sit on the loo I can still smell stale wee ...but it is clean. (And at the house we are renovating the downstairs loo had parquet floor - same problem - if you get close enough under the loo it stank... )

Unlucky - surely that dust comes from somewhere? We have carpet and hard floors, never heard of or seen a 'dust bunny'. Dust goes on more places than the floor.

If men can't manage to pee standing up without pissing all over the place they need to sit

The OP is already doing a fair share of housework

Oops, apologies OP! I thought you said your dp does all the cleaning.

I'm just surprised that you think smelly toilets are more your dp's fault. Do you shit roses OP?

Not enough info.
If your dh is a sahp, then yanbu.
If you are a sahp, then yabu.

I thought that the OP's husband did all of the cleaning?

How filthy does your loo have to be to actually smell? That really IS disgusting.

But forget all of that, Nancy made me laugh out loud with 'turd pixie'.

Sheer genius!

If his words are being expressed to you and with some vehemence (I am guessing this is the case from the choice of words) then he is being U, if he is the one who is basically doing most of the cleaning.

He is certainly being U to say all of this in anger in front of your DD. This is a matter he should sit down with you over, and you can each listen to each other respectfully.

That being said:
If you are cooking or just plain living (having a cuppa, reading the paper, paying bills, etc) and leaving a mess behind then it wouldn't be unreasonable of him to expect a bit of care that you don't make work for him, swanning off and leaving a mess behind you.

Wrt loos -- I agree with PP that if there is a smell then it most likely arises from him missing the loo and floors being affected.
(Cleaning the loo itself takes less than a minute, a loo brush and about a capful of bleach. Swabbing down the outside of the loo is easy to do with a sponge and a bit of bathroom cleaner. If pee has got into the floor then that is a bigger job entirely. If you have a carpeted bathroom or a loo rug I recommend you get rid.)

I have an inkling though that you not smelling dirt in your house could be something to do with allergies, and it is also possible you have just got used to it. If your home was dust free and clean, then you might notice smells more when they happen. Dusting isn't necessarily time consuming -- damp cloth, swipe over everything. It takes time if there is clutter everywhere though.

How does it happen that there is a pool of mouldy somethingorother in the fridge, or is this hyperbole?

It seems to me that you are being a bit blithe about it all and that your home is cluttered and dusty and maybe not the happiest of places for your H. How much used he drink and was there any particular reason to stop ten days ago?

I would take a long, hard look at the clutter. It is stressful for some people to live in it. If I were you I would meet him at least half way on this.

It is very hard to judge over the internet and without knowing the people concerned just how clean or otherwise their home is. You would really need to be able to see it to judge. One person's messy and dusty is another's clean and tidy, as everyone is used to some difference in standards.

I am not the perfect housekeeper, although I do what I really need to. Having two dogs who moult means I should ideally sweep the floors every day (hard floors, laminate not carpet) in order to keep some control of the dust bunnies (interesting expression). Usually I do it, but on the odd day I just can't get around to it (I work too, though part time) I don't worry too much. I can live with that, but some people might shudder.

I have to have clean toilets though. They both have to be properly clean and fresh smelling even if little else gets done. Today I cleaned the bathroom and my downstairs toilet, and vacuumed upstairs. I intended to get more done downstairs, but other demands took over and it didn't happen.

Perhaps the OP's partner is being unreasonable, perhaps not. We can't tell via a few comments on the internet.

I spend 30 seconds in total cleaning my toilet twice a week. It has never, ever smelt.
Must be filthy, I'm sorry. And it's the easiest cleaning job in the house!

I'm not a housewifely type, but Parazone wipes and simple thick bleach in a duck shape mean clean loos. Wipes for exterior and above the overhang, then squirt round and leave overnight.

If you can remotely afford it and both work, which I assume from the division of labour in the house, is a cleaner for a couple of hours a week a possibility?

We have dust bunnies under beds and sofas sometimes, I have to admit. Hoover doesn't fit down there and moving them around happens irregularly.

art I don't know where it comes from - we do have a cat and 3 long haired girls, the stairs are carpeted and this door is at the bottom of the stairs ...but no idea where it comes from but it does ...and I have a cordless hoover and do the downstairs floors most days - and it still appears...
I used to live in a shared flat (4 girls) with hard floors thoughout - no carpets anywhere and we had a cleaner who came every 2 weeks and by the time she was due we had some great ones in the hall...
(you can find really 'good' dust bunnies in the fins in radiators - I use a hairdryer to blow them out ...)

Hello OP I've had a brief read through & it seems to me that your 'roles' are too rigid. Maybe your DH could do a bit of admin or cooking (meal planning) and you could do a bit of cleaning. We share everything in our house as everything needs doing, there's always something, calling somewhere (+being on hold) emailing, shopping, ordering, posting, cooking, washing, cleaning, ironing : literally all the verbs! So we make it work by just pulling together. He does, I do whatever needs doing. We don't point score and just crack on with it. Just put a bloo in the cistern and brush & bleach each night. I also just wizz the Hoover round every night while DC's (2+4) are in the bath, 10 mins. It's just part of my day... On the flip side I completely get it that people have differet expectations & standards but I figure that part of being a team is meeting each other half way & sharing the load. There's lots that I think should be done - drives my DH crazy & TBF vice versa but I actually think in your case that your OH needs you to lend a hand or re-deligate/assign your 'roles'. Smelly Loo is a strong indication he's not coping, as that takes such minimal effort. Hun, just clean if tmrw & then nonchalantly do some more cleaning & ask him to do something you'd rather not deal with too - food planning, admit etc maybe he's bored? Hang in there lovey, marriage is a marathon

OP it sounds like your dh is looking for help. I am a SAHM, therefore, do all house related things as well, as well as I should.

However, I am tidy, and dh can be 'less than tidy'. And even though I feel that dh works full time, and shouldn't have to do much in the way of housework, I can see myself saying the same thing your dh said, as a expression of frustration, especially if he is tidy, and is constantly cleaning up after the family.

In those cases, dh will definitely help out. He senses my frustration, and although the house looks tidy to him he will ask, "How can I help?" and I tell him, we get on top of it, and then I can keep up.

Especially since you know what is bothering him, even though you don't think that it smells, it needs attending to (I've had friends that lived in...very very bad smelling houses - not saying yours is - and couldn't smell how vile it was. So not smelling it really means nothing).

Since you know what the problem is, really, I'd just take time out and hoover the floors and clean the toilet, whether you think it needs it or not, and try to pick up after yourself if you don't. I'm also sensing that his outburst really wasn't related to just the floors and the toilet, those are just tangible things that obviously need attending to in the house and seeing and smelling those messes might be reminding him how he's tired of being the one to pick up after others (if he is indeed picking up after others all the time).

Op, based on your posts about dust/toilets, I am with your DH although my imagination may be running wild. I would really struggle in a similar situation. Particularly the toilet! Can you both agree to have one day out to do a "top to bottom" spring clean?

I have to admit I am probably a bit over the top when it comes to having a clean house. I can't relax unless the place is clean and tidy (no dust, no mess except a few toys and I go as far as pouring bleach down the toilets every night before bed a bit over the top I have been told)

OP - how often do you (either of you) dust, hoover, and clean the toilets?