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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The mum in the NCT group with the incredibly advanced child...

104 replies

flingingmelon · 10/10/2014 18:29

I already know I'm being really unreasonable but I just fancied a whinge.

It's Friday night and I have a headache. Mother of Incredibly Advanced Child has just sent all the other mums in the group a video of IAC doing something the average child would only just be able to manage in another six months or so. This is a regular occurrence.

I know she's proud, we're all proud. I'm proud of my son's 'dancing.' I just wish she'd tell us about something IAC is rubbish at, just for a change.

Just to say, I'm not comparing my PFB to hers, he's way cuter

OP posts:

Stripylikeatiger · 10/10/2014 19:20

Do you all share the occasional video/photo or is it just this friend who shares videos? If you all share videos, photos or even stories then Yabu it's not her fault her dc is advanced.

My ds was/is quite advanced, he was crawling and cruising around the room at 6 months when most of the other babies in our nct were not even sitting up yet, I used to feel awkward about it especially as we didn't buy any "educational" toys or do tummy time, the other mums would chat about all the methods they were using to encourage the next stage of development and they'd ask me what I did and I'd blush and say we did nothing special it was like ds just innately knew how to sit, crawl, walk, jump, somersault. I really believe it's genetic, my dp walked at 9 months and according to mil spoke like an adult at 13 months.

I wish i was as open about my dc's scriveners as your friend is as parents should be proud of their child's development no matter if it's months early, at the expected time or months/years late.

IndiaKnightGarden · 10/10/2014 19:21

You're mean OP.

Her pride in her child is not an inferred criticism of yours.

My NCT group is lovely. We all share photos and videos of first teeth/rolling over/crawling/standing/etc.

We all love to see how each other's babies are developing and share in each other's excitement at every (mundane) milestone.

Wby are you making it a competition?

Bulbasaur · 10/10/2014 19:23

Someone's child will always be better than yours at something. Someone's child will always be worse than yours at something. Some kids have slow learning curves, some have fast learning curves then plateau.

My brother has an outrageous IQ and is in a profession that requires it. I do not, and I have a LD to boot. But I'm resourceful enough that I have found a field that caters to my strengths and have consistently found jobs that pay far more than his. You'd be surprised at how a person can use their strengths to be successful.

Just relax and enjoy your child.

CallMeExhausted · 10/10/2014 19:36

The important thing, too, is to remember that for every "IAC" in a group, there are a fistful of typically developing children and at least one "IDC" (incredibly delayed child - it is the law of averages, after all).

Funny, though - the IDC's mum likely disappears from the group pretty quickly. You see - no one wants to constantly have nothing to brag about and hear all the incredible things her poppet should be doing, but isn't.

I am a mum to an IDC - she had a massive stroke when she was 23 days old... and while I have seen some milestones, we celebrate the "inchstones" - the tiny movements forward that go unseen by parents of typically developing children. It took me a while to stop being resentful of the mums who got to share all these big steps. These days (DD will be 9 in 2 weeks) I can celebrate that our friends' children are competing in sport and playing musical instruments, while being privately proud that DD picked up a pebble yesterday and didn't eat it .

Now, I am not saying for a moment that you should not celebrate the milestones as a group - no matter how different from your own child's they are... IAC's mum might have no other support, or need a lot of reassurance about the quality of her parenting, which she finds in the group.

We all have our motivations...

Justdoaweeonthefuckingpotty · 10/10/2014 19:37

jealous much?

maddening · 10/10/2014 19:39

Is the dc advanced?

maddening · 10/10/2014 19:40

Ps not that it matters - they all even out in the end - but is this dc noticeably advanced?

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 10/10/2014 19:42

I was so worried: PFB was the last to roll, last to crawl out of our post-natal group, and one of the oldest, and only about average to walk (at 12 months!!); #3 didn't walk till 20 months, and it was a total relief ...

IME, I can think of one child who did everything early and is still brit (but not a genius). PFB talked early and hasn't stopped since, it mostly all shuffles out in the end.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 10/10/2014 19:44

My point was, yes, I think she is gauche, yes it is irritating, no, I probably wouldn't say anything and, breathe, her child will probably not always be the most advanced and she'll learn more tact/find another outlet/have another child.

Seriouslyffs · 10/10/2014 19:47

I'm with the OP here. It's pretty basic emotional literacy to not brag to parents of exactly the same age children.
My DCs ran the gamut all the way from average to worryingly, let's count-the-chromosomes-behind and I'd have found this upsetting.
Fortunately that sort of bonkers competitiveness calms down as do NCT frenemy groups and by the time they're really doing interesting things, you'll only have real friends to boast to!

KERALA1 · 10/10/2014 19:48

I have a private rule - anyone that says to me that their child is particularly bright or advanced I always assume they themselves are quite thick. So far this has always held to be true. If the parent is personally intelligent in anyway they wouldn't feel the need to say this.

Sometimes it's because the parent is so thick the exploits of their perfectly average child seem incredible to them.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 19:49

Dialligaf you can be proud of your child without bragging about it, and posting endless videos on Facebook.

Armi · 10/10/2014 19:51

What KERALA1 just said.

Elfina · 10/10/2014 19:51

I've been thinking about this some more; does she warmly celebrate the achievements of others in the group? If so, I guess she can't do right fit doing wrong? Though I respect your right to rant, I think it might be a bit misdirected?

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 19:54

My ds 2.7 years has very delayed speech (were under SALT), my lovely friend who is dcs godmother does brag about her grandchild who is 7 months younger than ds. Gosh at this rate she will be reciting Chaucer . It gets wearing and really highlights how slow my ds speech is. He has 5 words only. I end up feeling sad and miserable.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 19:54

All ds is good at us being utterly gorgeous with a ready smile fir everybody though

CleoBrown · 10/10/2014 20:00

I think some posters have been sending videos to their friends...... :D

chickenfajitaswithnachos · 10/10/2014 20:01

Aero, DS2 and 3 were completely non verbal until they were nearly 4. We had imput from portage and speech therapy and I was very worried. Then they started talking literally the term before they were due to go to school. By the time they were 5 there speech was very nearly 'normal'.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 20:02

Each time she comes over, there is a new video of said grandchild doing something incredibly clever.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/10/2014 20:05

Thanks chicken that's really reassuring. He babbles away in baby language with tge occasional word thrown in. He is generally a happy little chappy but like a whirlwind at tge same time.

queenofthemountains · 10/10/2014 20:12

My kids are older but I remember one mums baby being advanced. Particularly annoying as mine was extremely delayed due to 3 rounds of surgery in the first year. Now round our way they have moved on from babies to dogs and our favourite joke is to say how incredibly advanced the dogs are. My second was very fast to speak and spoke really clearly ( due to the fact she came weekly to speech therapy for my older one) whenever anyone commented on it I used to say in a very sarcastic voice "yes she's incredibly advanced!" Then explain the real reason.

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/10/2014 20:16

Can't you just ignore? It's not something you would do, but mocking her is seriously unkind if the worst she is doing is being proud of her child

HavanaSlife · 10/10/2014 20:19

I cant get all worked up about it, my friends dds 3 &4 are the same age as my ds 3 &4

Her dds both spoke really early, really bright, potty trained etc etc way before mine.

Her dd4 is chatting away at 16 months, ds4 says nothing at all yet.

Its fine, get over being insecure

BumGravy · 10/10/2014 20:20

A friend of mine asked if I knew my baby was boring as he was just a lump that didn't do anything.
One year later she had her own boring lump we get constant email and texts about every little thing she does.
Yes it is VERY annoying but sadly there are so many bad parents its kind of nice there are good ones.
We just reply to everything with a

BlinkAndMiss · 10/10/2014 20:23

It doesn't have to be this way, NCT groups are quite forced and like any friendships there will be aspects that are irritating. Within 'normal' friendships, if this kind of thing occurs then we move on. I'd advise doing the same.

I met a group of mums at a baby group (not NCT, none of us had done that) and there has never been any competitiveness, at all. My DS is the youngest and he's been the last to do most things except crawl where he was one of the first. It was never an issue - everyone celebrated the crawling without me saying anything, he just did it one day in front of them. When he walked, very last, it was the same. We just supported each other because we became friends and treat each other as such. I've asked them all for advice about speech because the others can all talk really well whereas DS didn't, I didn't feel like it was something I was ashamed of because he was 'last'.

Friendships that are competitive are never good, you can't go through life like that and I'm guessing this is year 1 of the friendship. Think about how awful it's going to get when it comes to activities, education etc, etc, etc. life is too short, just don't engage. And don't feel bad! She clearly has no one else to boast to or gets a kick out of making others feel bad.

Aero I'm sorry you have someone making you feel sad.

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