AIBU or is my daughter????

[Captainbarnacles1101]

I am divorced but with a new partner for 7 yrs now. I have a ds12 and a dd 14 with my ex and two DS with my partner.

My new partners family live 2 hrs away and we r going to a family birthday party there at the weekend. I k ow my DS doesn't like staying away from home so I'm driving down that day and home that night. My partner will already be there for work related things.

My daughter is being very awkward and saying she doesn't want to go. Says she doesn't know them that well ( they all go out of their way to talk to both of the older kids to make them feel welcome.) she said she will be bored, hates the drive down etc etc. yet if it was a normal Saturday all she would do is sit in her room or lounge on sofa. I'm so cross at her for this. She is going on and on and on about it dispite me saying its defo happening.
She has a nice trip out planned for the next day with her friend so it's not like the whole weekend is wasted. Am I being unreasonable making her go?

At 14 I would probably leave her. You're coming home later that night?

Teenagers don't want their Saturday's spent visiting people.

Your daughter! You're her Mother she needs to learn to do what she's told. You're already pandering to her coming home. Tell her if she doesn't go (with good grace) she stays in all weekend and doesn't go out with her friend.

She comes with you or doesn't go out with her friend. Simple.

I should also mention that when I got together with my partner my ex didn't like it and said a lot of horrible stuff to the kids about him and about our relationship. He was EA to me which was why I left and he has the kids so worried about upsetting him they don't speak their mind to him. They are afraid he will cry etc. but yet at home with me they say what they like and I can just like it or lump it. I want us to go to this party as a family to support partner who has been a great partner to me and has supported ALL the children as my ex doesn't.

I've got a ds who's just 15 and I wouldn't make him visit someone he didn't want to.

Well she's 14 so I'd let her stay at home because if you try and force her she will ensure you are all miserable.

Yes that's a good point! I will say that if she brings it up again. She's only 12 I wouldn't leave her here all day on her own.

Yanbu, it's one day. It will do her good to be a little less selfish and get to know her siblings family.
I would be firm, and tell her she needs to come and leave her attitude behind.

Sorry I mixed their ages up. Daughter is 12 son is 14

At 12 she definitely needs to come!

YANBU. I bet she is happy enough to accept birthday and Christmas presents from them. She needs to realise that sometimes you have to make the effort to make other people happy, even if you can't really be bothered.

I think 14's the age where children would rather do something with their friends than go with their parents to visit family.

Can't she stay at home? Get her to buy a little present for the person who's having a birthday, write a card, then stay home and do whatever she does.

You'll have a lovely stress free time!

Right so she's 12. Well in that case I wouldn't leave her I don't think.

Does she get on well with your partner?

Well at twelve then she doesn't really have a choice does she?

Plus, four hours in a car with a sulking teenager is enough to make the strongest of us collapse. Don't put yourself through it.

If it's only once in a blue moon then she has to go. You can tell her when she's older she might be allowed to stay at home on her own if she doesn't want to go to things.

It's usually the things you dread that turn out to be fun.

I used to absolutely hate going to see my stepfather's family. Nobody was horrible to me but I felt I didn't belong there.

Can't she go to a friend's house for the day?

At 12, she would definitely be coming and, if she didn't behave with good grace whilst there, wouldn't be going out with her friend the following day. And I would explain clearly what the sanctions for bad behaviour would be.

I would however ask if she had any genuine reasons for not wanting to go. I wouldn't count boredom as a genuine reason!

Thank you all.
I asked had she genuine reasons for not going. No I just don't want to. Was the reply. As has been said she's happy to accept present from them all and to stay in my brother in laws Swiss chalet on hi day so she needs to make an effort. I'm ising the day out with her pal the next day as a sanction for bad behaviour. Thanks again. It never amazes me how teenagers make me doubt myself.

I would take her with me, because of her age.

However I think using her day out as a sanction is really off. She'll already be giving up a day to do what you want to do.

Sunbathe how would u dissuade the poor mood and miserable face then?

I'd have tried to make alternative plans for her, they are not her family and its likely to be part of the problem but she can't admit it.

As I see it, you're doing what ds likes, not staying overnight, but not what your dd likes, not going at all. So I'd put with the poor mood, no-one likes being forced into doing stuff they don't want to do.

Also, you say dd is being awkward. I'd see it as having an opinion and not being afraid to express it - which is good, right?

I'd put up with ...

My two girls are 21 and 17, I'm trying to remember what I would have done when they were that age. I think I would make her go this time and say that if she is polite and makes an effort to make the most of the day I would consider letting her stay home or at a friends the next time. My oldest daughter stopped coming to her cousins birthday parties and family gatherings when she was about 14/15 whereas my 17 is still happy to come to them now. Each child is different so we can't expect them all to behave the same.