Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU or is my daughter????

98 replies

Captainbarnacles1101 · 09/10/2014 19:01

I am divorced but with a new partner for 7 yrs now. I have a ds12 and a dd 14 with my ex and two DS with my partner.

My new partners family live 2 hrs away and we r going to a family birthday party there at the weekend. I k ow my DS doesn't like staying away from home so I'm driving down that day and home that night. My partner will already be there for work related things.

My daughter is being very awkward and saying she doesn't want to go. Says she doesn't know them that well ( they all go out of their way to talk to both of the older kids to make them feel welcome.) she said she will be bored, hates the drive down etc etc. yet if it was a normal Saturday all she would do is sit in her room or lounge on sofa. I'm so cross at her for this. She is going on and on and on about it dispite me saying its defo happening.
She has a nice trip out planned for the next day with her friend so it's not like the whole weekend is wasted. Am I being unreasonable making her go?

OP posts:

Enb76 · 09/10/2014 20:17

Ok, I am willing to be flamed but at 12 I don't think this is even a discussion. She goes, that's the end of it and if she carries on complaining she doesn't get to go out with her friend. She's already doing something fun that weekend, the world does not revolve around her.

That would be my position.

Mrsjayy · 09/10/2014 20:22

I would make her go and if her face is sulky id ignore it as much as possible at the party what she wants to happen is you not to go where is she suggesting she stays all day till late, I would have np more discussion about it, its going to happen she can lump it. Dont let het boss you about and spoil the party

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/10/2014 20:22

How to dissuade the miserable face and poor mood?

Tell her it is tough and if she doesn't want to go then that also includes not taking the holidays or presents from them in future. And any more moodiness and she will be staying the night as well, you are doing the 'back the same day' to please her and if she can't put a smile on her face and socialise with the family then she forfeits the pleasures that a family brings.

So she goes to this one and once she decides to forfeit the hols and presents, then she can decide not to attend family gatherings.

sunbathe · 09/10/2014 20:27

Ribena - the back the same day is to please the son, not the daughter.

Mrsjayy · 09/10/2014 20:28

And tell her if she is rude to anybody at the party she won't be going out with her friend her choice

aermingers · 09/10/2014 20:28

Leave her at home. If you force her to go it isn't going to improve relations with her step family. It's going to make them worse. She will resent being forced to spend time with them against her will and they will be able to tell that she doesn't want to be there and doesn't want to spend time with them and it will just cause ill will on both sides. Allow her relationships with them to develop naturally rather than forcing the issue and you'll probably find they will end up with a much better relationship in time.

aermingers · 09/10/2014 20:47

Mrsjayy, that would be counterproductive. The OP would be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Apart from the fact that her daughter really shouldn't view seeing her stepfamily as a punishment, how do you think the OP and her partner are going to enjoy the day? Do you think they would enjoy it more with a sulking stroppy teenager? I think they would probably be much more relaxed and have a more enjoyable time if they left DD at home and went out and enjoyed themselves without having a moody resentful teenager hanging around.

The whole point of these sort of events is that they're supposed to be fun. Why force someone who's not going to enjoy it to go and at the same time spoil it for yourself. It's a no brainer. I really can't see what it will achieve for anybody to force her to go. I think the stepfamily will understand, I certainly would. At my own family gatherings I know teenagers will often put in a cursory appearance to say hello then go off on their own devices. I understand hanging around with Gran, Grandad and Aunty and Uncles is not the most fascinating thing in the world for a teenager and nobody wants to make them hang round and be miserable. I'd rather spend twenty minutes with them when they were pleased to see me than force them to spend 4 hours with me which they wouldn't enjoy at all.

ImperialBlether · 09/10/2014 21:02

She is 14, not 12. I had a Saturday job at this age. Don't put his family through her sulky face. Don't put yourself through it.

Pick your battles. They won't care if she's not there, really. Just say she's being a typical teenager and they'll all be sympathetic. Tell her to buy the party-person some flowers/wine and leave it at that.

Mrsjayy · 09/10/2014 21:31

So every time they sulk and strop the y get their own way nah not my style I have taken stroppy teens around with me they can sit with their faces in their phones there are just things all the family are expected to go to. Op do what you think is best but don't dither or arhue about it make it your decision not hers.

Mrsjayy · 09/10/2014 21:32

Imperial she is 12

aermingers · 09/10/2014 21:59

The son is 12. The daughter is 14. I hate to say it Mrsjayy, you're criticizing your children for trying to 'get their own way', but all you seem concerned with is getting YOUR own way and exerting control. I'd like to think when my kids grow up they will think I listened to them and took their feelings into account and dismiss them as secondary to what I wanted all the time...you sound like a really, really controlling parent.

sunbathe · 09/10/2014 22:07

The op corrects her dcs ages at 19.13 pm.
The son is 14, the daughter 12.

Mrsjayy · 10/10/2014 07:22

My kids are grown I did take their feelings into consideration but things like family parties at 12 they came too I dont see that as controlling as such but I dont pander to strops they are children sometimes they need to do things they don't like.

KatieKaye · 10/10/2014 08:03

Awkward one.

You've been with DP for 7 years and have 2 DC with him, so I'm presuming DD knows his family fairly well? IMO the point is that his relations are part of a larger, blended family and they seem to make an effort with your DC. So at the root of things is what families do for one another. I'm thinking there is a fair chance you do things for her (lifts to activities etc) when there are other things you'd rather be doing.

If you do "make" her go, will she put a good face on while she's there? Or will she sulk? (4 hours in a car with a brooding DD and then day with DPs family on edge dreading what she will say or do sounds really stressful for you)

What is the reasonable alternative, given you are going to be away all day? At 12 that's too long for her to be in the house by herself, given you will be 2 hours away.

Is there something you could offer as an incentive - like another family activity of her choice you will do another weekend - even something as simple as choosing a DVD to watch together? Would your DS have a word with her?

Of course, sometimes we all have to "suck it up" and do things we don't want to do and do them with a smile on our face. At 12 she isn't too young to learn about putting yourself out for others, and she is being a bit selfish (something that increasingly becomes part of the job description as they enter the teen years).

Big picture - it is one day. it is a family occasion. She is only 12. YANBU to want her to go with a pleasant attitude. It's just how you achieve this that is the problem!

Simplesusan · 10/10/2014 08:09

I would let her stay at home.

Teenagers in general like to do their own thing.

What will you achieve by making her go?

Possibly an awful car journey making you both even more resentful of the other.

Then topped off with both of you not enjoying the visit and for what? To prove a point?o

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 10/10/2014 08:20

Thanks KatieKaye. I totally agree about it being an issue of doing things for the family. She has a day planned with her friends in Sunday, which will only happen if she shows good grace Tomo both on the journey and at the party. I have explained that her day out involves me driving her and her mates to town, hanging around while they do their thing then driving them home again. So she need to do this for me. So I guess we will see what happens.

OP posts:

whois · 10/10/2014 08:29

I think at 12 it would have been non negotiable for me to go. Mum would have explained we all do things we don't want to, and it would mean a lot to DH to have all the family there with him.

And remind her about the fun day on Sunday. And call in somewhere on the way or the way back home as a slight bribe. I was easily bought - pack of sweets would have cheered me up. Maybe get her a magazine or something for the journey?

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2014 10:52

She is 14, not 12.

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2014 10:54

Oh OK, I've just seen the OP has said she got their ages wrong.

MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants · 10/10/2014 11:23

I was in a similar situation to your DD OP and regularly had to visit my step dad's family from the age of 5. I felt very out of place as I didn't fit in with there idea of what a girl 'should' be. (The other girls were very pink and pop princessy kinds of girls whereas I was more punky and would rather sit and read than goggle at the tv like th rest of them). However I knew that I had to go and be nice and polite because that's what you do. Now at 25 I still don't relish the visits but I still make the effort to go to my mums house when they visit and I'm polite and friendly. I don't consider them part of my family but accept they are part of my mums and brothers family so I do my bit to make the visits pleasant.

I think you should explain to your DD that you are visiting and that regardless of their relation you expect her to be pleasant and polite because that is what is expected when you visit anyone. She is 12 so old enough to understand that.

HTH

whatever5 · 10/10/2014 11:25

If she is 12 then she is probably too young to stay at home and will have to come with you. I don't think you can expect her to be happy about it though as it probably will be really boring for her. I would say that she has to come this time but once she is 13 or 14 she can stay at home if you think she is sensible enough.

DogCalledRudis · 10/10/2014 11:30

Do you want a grumpy, miserable child spoiling your day out?

ChippingInLatteLover · 10/10/2014 11:49

I think it's mean making her travel 2 hours there and two hours back in the same day, to go to a party she doesn't want to go to - family, step family or not.

Surely she has a friend she can spend the day with if you don't want to leave her home alone.

Yes, my parents would have made me go. I don't see the relevance though, quite frankly. As an adult I'm able to make my own decisions about things and not just do what they did.

It would be easy enough to tell your DPs family she already had other plans. Not a big deal. 5/6 is a pretty good show.

I want us to go to this party as a family to support partner who has been a great partner to me and has supported ALL the children as my ex doesn't

Why on earth does your DP need support to go to a family party? It's not a funeral. And why is your DD being 'used' to 'support' an adult at the expense of her feelings?

frumpet · 10/10/2014 11:53

If she was mine , she would have to come with us , and if she sulks she doesn't get to go out on the trip with her friend . At 16 she can decide whether she wants to go or not , but has to phone the people that you are all visiting to explain and apologise for not going , as is polite when you are declining an invitation .

whatever5 · 10/10/2014 12:04

Although I can understand that you might not want to leave a 12 year old home alone all day. YABU unreasonable to expect your DD to be happy about it though. I don't blame her for not wanting to spend her free time sitting in a car and visiting people she finds boring.

Flip

1 2 3 4