AIBU or is my daughter????

[Captainbarnacles1101]

I am divorced but with a new partner for 7 yrs now. I have a ds12 and a dd 14 with my ex and two DS with my partner.

My new partners family live 2 hrs away and we r going to a family birthday party there at the weekend. I k ow my DS doesn't like staying away from home so I'm driving down that day and home that night. My partner will already be there for work related things.

My daughter is being very awkward and saying she doesn't want to go. Says she doesn't know them that well ( they all go out of their way to talk to both of the older kids to make them feel welcome.) she said she will be bored, hates the drive down etc etc. yet if it was a normal Saturday all she would do is sit in her room or lounge on sofa. I'm so cross at her for this. She is going on and on and on about it dispite me saying its defo happening.
She has a nice trip out planned for the next day with her friend so it's not like the whole weekend is wasted. Am I being unreasonable making her go?

the back the same day is to please the son, not the daughter.

As the DD has a day out planned the next day, it actually pleases both of them.

they are not her family and its likely to be part of the problem

They are her family when it comes to getting gifts and holidays in a Swiss chalet.

If she were my child, she would be coming with me and made to understand that sometimes we have to do things we don't really want to. Probably with examples of all the shit stuff I have to do for her.

Why do people keep saying she's 12?

It's a family do. She should go.

Why do people keep saying she's 12?

why don't you read the thread and find out? I'll give you a clue - it's because she's actually 12.

Because she is. OP updates ages. She got them wrong way round initially.

You are compromising with your ds by driving home as he doesn't want to stay the night, why can't you compromise with your dd, telling her next time it will expected.

I know she is 12, and I'd let her stay at home. It's not Christmas, or a wedding, it's just a thing. She doesn't feel comfortable there, she doesn't fancy it, that's fair enough. She won't really be missed there will she? Can't she play on her ipod and get her hookworm done while you are out?

Oops. I didn't mean hookworm. I meant homework.

If OP wasn't compromising with DS and coming home, then DD would have to stay overnight - which would be even worse for her.

I don't blame her for not wanting to spend her free time sitting in a car and visiting people she finds boring. OP also has to spend time in a car running DD around, and probably often has DD's friends there too. None of us get to do exactly what we want all of the time - and at 12 she is not too young to learn this life lesson.

I k ow my DS doesn't like staying away from home so I'm driving down that day and home that night ... My daughter is being very awkward and saying she doesn't want to go

And your son? Is he not awkward for not wanting to sleep over, making you drive 2hours home again?

As a child whose mother would meet my older sibling half way, but not me (even at the same age) - I found it very annoying & it pissed me off. It has caused HUGE divides between siblings, because she was allowed to do what she wanted, but I was kept on tight reins (metaphorically).

It pisses you off in the end! Would you allow your ds not to attend? Probably not, thinking about it, but you have let him 'dictate' (which is what you don't want your dd doing) to you whether you stay over or not.

I see it as hugely unfair, to be honest. One this one occasion I would tell dd (11) that I would try to find an alternative for her, but next time I would expect her to attend.

She just simply doesn't want to go and can't be blamed for that. But it has to be give and take and if there isn't anyone she can spend the day with and you don't want to leave her alone at home then she has no option but don't expect her to be happy about it.

Parenting is never about equal give & take though, it is? We always do more for them, than they do us, because they can't do as much.

It is my job as a parent to get my girls from a to b. Half term here at the moment & I have planned at least 4 times for dd & her friends to get together, either here or at their homes. And I have driven her if need be.

She cannot 'give' me anything near equal to this, but the little things she does for me are her way of telling me thank you (she says it too of course)

As a parent, until they are able, I will always be giving more than I get... that was the choice I made when I had kids.

That said, don't be thinking she walks all over us, because she doesn't! I just think she deserves to be heard.

I wouldn't let a 12 year old stay at home all day by themselves. I don't think it is at all safe.

OP and the rest of the family are going to be 2 hours drive away and are probably going to be gone for 10 - 12 hours. Not many people would be happy about leaving a 12 year old alone at home for that length of time. If anything happens, OP is 2 hours drive away.

"not fancying" something is not an excuse for not doing it. Would you let her stay home from school if she just didn't fancy it? That's a terrible reason to let a 12 year old opt out of anything. If they have an actual reason, that is different.

OP said they were going for a family birthday party, which could easily be a special occasion - an 18th, a 21st, a 60th etc. DPs family want her DC there, which suggests they see them as a part of the family. Would you let a 12 year old opt out of going to her Granny's birthday party 2 hours away just because she couldn't be bothered? I wouldn't.

Sometimes we do things for other people because it makes then happy and lets them know we value them. Going to this party might be one of those times.

She doesn't have to be on her own (aside from the fat that at 12, I was left on my own while my mum worked - approx 8hrs), I suggested op try to find an alternative.

I'm a pretty relaxed parent (some of the things that dh and I have done would get us flamed by some on MN ) but even I wouldn't leave a 12 year old all day on her own.

You're far too far away to be able to get back if there were an issue.

We did used to leave ds for short periods from about 11 or 12 - but literally only when we were going to Homebase (10 minute drive away) as he detested going there with a passion.

He was 13 before we started leaving him for an evening - end even then we made sure our downstairs' neighbours were aware. At 14, we may now leave him for a whole day - but I'm not sure about from early morning until late at night, which is the impression I get from you as to how long you will be away.

She'll just have to accept that this is non-negotiable - but be prepared for a very sullen journey.

Its probably too late for this, but I'd turn the sanction around.

Don't make it 'If you are horrible and grumpy, then you won't get to go out with your friend on Sunday', make it 'I appreciate you making the effort and I'll show my appreciation by enabling you to have a nice day out with your friend on Sunday'.

I find that if you rephrase a punishment into a potential reward, that it helps motivate kids, and makes you into a team, rather than adversaries.

She should go. It's polite,and sometimes in life we have to do things we don't like. I'm confused as to why your son is allowed to set boundaries though.

I don't blame her for not wanting to spend her free time sitting in a car and visiting people she finds boring.

OP also has to spend time in a car running DD around, and probably often has DD's friends there too. None of us get to do exactly what we want all of the time - and at 12 she is not too young to learn this life lesson.

I think that many childless adults do get to do exactly what they want in their free time actually. People with children may have to spend time running their children around but that is the choice you make when you have children.

I think many childless adults spend a good deal of their free time doing things like shopping; cleaning the house; washing clothes, hanging them out and then ironing them; caring for elderly relatives; doing the garden; diy etc. They might even have to go to family gatherings!!

Not exactly doing what they want in their free time! And gosh, those childless adults are doing pretty much the same things as those with children do - who would have thought it?

I would suspect that some parents don't run their children about, far less spend any constructive time with them. That's what x-boxes are for, isn't it?

In our family everybody goes to family gatherings whatever their age .My teens do moan, but I think a good solid family network is a very positive thing

I think many childless adults spend a good deal of their free time doing things like shopping; cleaning the house; washing clothes, hanging them out and then ironing them; caring for elderly relatives; doing the garden; diy etc. They might even have to go to family gatherings!!

If they spend a good deal of time doing those things it's because they choose to do so. It doesn't take much time to shop, wash clothes and clean if you don't have children. You can choose whether or not to iron. You can choose whether or not to have a garden. You can choose to employ a cleaner/odd job person/gardener to do a lot of those jobs anyway. Nobody makes adults visit relatives or even attend family gatherings. They go if they choose to!!

Adults go to see relatives because they choose to but its also a nice thing to do taking a child to a familiy party is a nice thing to do it shows them that familiy is important I am assuming this is a special age party not just a random 27th and I think as a family they should all go sulky or not

Most people don't actually see cooking, cleaning and shopping as something you chose to do but rather as something you have no option but to do, if you don't want to live in squalor/starve etc.

In real life it's not as simple as "things don't take much time if you don't have children". Try telling that to a person with a physical or mental disability, or to a person who is a carer for a relative with dementia. By the way - many of those people also have children and manage simply because they have no other option. In any case, it has absolutely nothing to do with the situation posted by the OP.

Many adults visit relatives out of a sense of family affection - probably because their parents brought them up that way. Going to visit an elderly relative might not be a barrel of laughs for a kid, but it could bring immense pleasure to the older person. Some people think about others, some people couldn't care less. Some people use their children as an excuse for not doing things, others just get on with life and accept their responsibilities and try to teach their children to be decent people.

KatieKaye- I don't agree that they have no option to do those things. Adults can choose not to spend time cooking by eating convenience food, they can choose not to clean by either employing a cleaner or live in squalar if they prefer), they can choose not to spend time shopping by using the internet (I do), they can choose not to iron or garden. They can also choose not to visit relatives or care for them. If you are an adult you have choices.

no you are no unreasonable at all it isn't as if its every weekend, which her going out with friends may turn out to be. she wants you to take her out so she can go to the party with you. if she plays her face cancel the friend trip