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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is my daughter????

98 replies

Captainbarnacles1101 · 09/10/2014 19:01

I am divorced but with a new partner for 7 yrs now. I have a ds12 and a dd 14 with my ex and two DS with my partner.

My new partners family live 2 hrs away and we r going to a family birthday party there at the weekend. I k ow my DS doesn't like staying away from home so I'm driving down that day and home that night. My partner will already be there for work related things.

My daughter is being very awkward and saying she doesn't want to go. Says she doesn't know them that well ( they all go out of their way to talk to both of the older kids to make them feel welcome.) she said she will be bored, hates the drive down etc etc. yet if it was a normal Saturday all she would do is sit in her room or lounge on sofa. I'm so cross at her for this. She is going on and on and on about it dispite me saying its defo happening.
She has a nice trip out planned for the next day with her friend so it's not like the whole weekend is wasted. Am I being unreasonable making her go?

OP posts:

KatieKaye · 10/10/2014 22:14

whatever everyone has choices (some people make lousy ones) - but when you are 12 years old then your choices are limited by what your parents allow you to do.

Which is what this thread is actually about. Not sure why you keep trying to derail it with your nonsenical insistence that childless adults don't actually have to anything at the weekend. Whatever.

DD is 12. The family are going to visit relations. She's a part of that family and her mum wants her to go. It's time for her to understand that sometimes you have to do things that give pleasure to others. She isn't actually going to suffer from spending a day visiting family and she's too young to send 12 hours alone with her family 2 hours away.

voddiekeepsmesane · 10/10/2014 22:52

There is no way that in 18 months time my DS 10 and a half at the moment would be dictating to me his Mother where he can and can not go. He can by all means have an opinion and he can be as surly and moody as he likes up until the point of arrival at said relations house. Once there I would expect a polite and engaging manner., or there would be consequences. As you have said you have already compromised to make it just a few hours and she is out the next day with friends. Allowing too much too early gives no leeway for when they are 15/16/17 IMO

whatever5 · 11/10/2014 00:16

whatever everyone has choices (some people make lousy ones) - but when you are 12 years old then your choices are limited by what your parents allow you to do

That was my point! You said that making the 12 year old go to an event that they don't want to go to will be a good "life lesson" but children's choices are already much more limited than adults so they don't really need a lesson in it. They will have more freedom to do what they want to do when they are adults not less!

whatever5 · 11/10/2014 00:20

I agree that she is too young to spend 12 hours on her own by the way. I just think that all the talk of "life lessons" is rubbish. Making her go won't make her "understand that sometimes you have to do things that give pleasure to others" either.

tara49 · 11/10/2014 01:08

At 14 i would leave her - at 12 she has to go with you.

differentnameforthis · 11/10/2014 01:32

I don't think she will learn anything from being forced to go, excpet that she doesn't get a choice, where her brother does.

He gets to decide that they ALL drive back after several hours, because he doesn't want to stay the night.

The dd doesn't get to decide anything.

The only lesson that gives her is that boys get a choice & girls don't! Like it or not, that is the message you are giving her.

Sapat · 11/10/2014 01:48

At 12 she has to go, and she will never get to know the family better if she doesn't attend family dos.

prettybird · 11/10/2014 16:00

I'm sure the OP will now be well on her way with her dd to said family get together

The comments about the fact that she was "accommodating" her ds by coming back the same day are missing the point. What was the alternative?: that they stay over and have to come back tomorrow so that her dd had all her weekend taken up with "family" stuff and doesn't even get the chance to have her "nice" day out with her friend

Goldmandra · 11/10/2014 16:31

OP, I don't think the problem is your DD being awkward. I think it's the fact that you and she are going head to head over this.

From her point of view, you are dragging her away from what she wants to do in order to spend the day feeling awkward and bored with people she doesn't know. It is someone else's family, not hers.

From your point of view she is being deliberately awkward, her preferred activities don't have any value and she should just put up and shut up while making the day pleasant for everyone else.

I completely agree that she is too young to be left home alone so far away for so long so your only choices were to take her or find someone else to look after her.

Maybe next time, instead of seeing her attitude as a problem, you could look at the logistics as the problem you need to solve together, make some effort to find someone she could be with. If that doesn't work out, acknowledge that it probably isn't the best fun she could have on a Saturday, appeal to her better nature by asking her to grin and bear it for everyone else's sake and, if you feel so inclined, offer a bit of extra spending money for her day out with her friend on Sunday to make up for it.

MrsHathaway · 11/10/2014 16:48

I'm assuming the son doesn't want to go much either but agreed to the same-day compromise as a lesser evil. Daughter isn't going to be happy but does have to suck it up.

I think an explicit discussion of how boring visits are the price we pay for presents and holidays would be more effective than pretending she's going to love every minute.

KatieKaye · 11/10/2014 16:53

whatever I did not say that. I said that she is not to young to learn that sometimes people do things they might prefer not to do because it makes someone else happy - like going to a family gathering.

paintedfences · 11/10/2014 17:08

From her point of view, you are dragging her away from what she wants to do in order to spend the day feeling awkward and bored with people she doesn't know. It is someone else's family, not hers.

This. OP, she's a real person too, and her feelings are valid. I doubt she's refusing just to spite you, but you appear to be taking it as a personal affront/implied criticism of your relationship.

And the people saying 'she's happy to accept gifts and staying in a chalet' - WTF? What else is she supposed to do with her discomfort, exactly?

KatieKaye she may very well find the whole thing ridiculously embarrassing and uncomfortable and she appears to not consider them her family - that's down to her, really.

whatever5 · 11/10/2014 17:56

KatieKaye" You actually said "None of us get to do exactly what we want all of the time - and at 12 she is not too young to learn this life lesson.

My point is that a 12 year old doesn't need a "life lesson" in the fact that they can't do what they want to do all the time. Children have to generally have to do what their parents (or teachers) want them to do whether they like it or not. In contrast adults can generally choose to do what they want to do and this includes going family gatherings. Making her go won't teach her any life lessons and certainly won't teach her that "sometimes people do things they might prefer not to do because it makes someone else happy".

Bulbasaur · 11/10/2014 18:20

I was dragged to boring events and parties as a kid. It didn't teach me anything, I was just bored and dreaded it every time. It didn't scar me either.

Let's just call it what it is. You want to go and can't leave her alone. She's old enough to understand the need to be cordial even if you don't like something. Nothing wrong with making her go and telling her she's expected to behave. She's 12, that's still young. She's not old enough to make her own decisions about plans yet.

Once she gets there she'll likely have a good time. If not, have her bring something to keep herself entertained (tablet, sketchbook, handheld).

voddiekeepsmesane · 11/10/2014 20:34

Those who say hat all it is teaching her is that her brother can have a say but not her ...she is 12 her brother 14, so when her brother is 16 he may not go at all and when she is 14 then she can compromise with her parent about the terms of visiting. That is what happens in most families as you get older parents listen and compromise. So people are saying that the DS asked not to stay the night and the OP said ok but the 12 year old has to wait a couple of years to be in that position IMO. It's the whole bagsey passenger seat in the car, oldest gets first dibs then eventually it will be your turn to be oldest (coming from one of eight siblings!)

differentnameforthis · 12/10/2014 03:06

prettybird It isn't missing the point at all.

She is compromising for her ds.
She isn't for her dd.

I wonder how many times this happens.

Her dd's day out with friends doesn't come into it at this stage.

differentnameforthis · 12/10/2014 03:10

It's the whole bagsey passenger seat in the car, oldest gets first dibs then eventually it will be your turn to be oldest (coming from one of eight siblings!)

You never get to be eldest if you are the youngest...

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 12/10/2014 08:44

Well I just thought I'd update.

We went to said party. I compromised with dd and let her go to a sports club she likes in the morning, putting off our journey for 2 hours so she had some her time.
I also got her brother to talk to her re how he doesn't wanna go either but hey it's only a few hours and mum wants us there with her.
The journey down was a bit sullen but when we arrived and all the
"Cousins" arrived they both had a ball! In fact we had to drag them both out! The weather was good so they were all out in the garden which is unheard of for my two so it was a big success. The drive home was amazing they both chitterchatted the whole way home.

Thanks for all the advice and just to reassure u my son is not the preferred golden child he's made out to be on some of the threads. I felt the not staying over piece would be good for both of them.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 12/10/2014 08:58

I'm pleased it all went well for you, Captain.

I was going to say that you should speak to her and say what you thought the right thing to do would be, but ultimately let her choose. It sounds like that's what did happen, except DS spoke to her instead, which is also fine.

I think children need to learn that we follow certain social laws, because ultimately, it's better for us if we do. So, we give up our Saturday to be polite to our wider family, because being part of that wider family is beneficial to us (for all sorts of reasons, not just Swiss chalet holidays!).

Mrsjayy · 12/10/2014 09:00

Good it all worked out fine and you all had a nice time

doziedoozie · 12/10/2014 13:42

Blooming kids!

KatieKaye · 12/10/2014 15:53

Really glad it all went so well.

kali110 · 12/10/2014 17:09

She goes or she doesn't
Have a fun day out with her friend.
At 12 shes too young to stay at home for that long.
Also tjink theres a big difference to being uncomfortable sleeping at other peoples houses overnight.
Im 30 and i get nervous! I need the loo a lot at night but don't like wake people up, thankfully my friends are all used to it now x

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