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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed lunch was so late

143 replies

happygonicky · 09/10/2014 13:38

Big family lunch at in-laws, have very good-natured toddler who generally eats lunch at 12, naps about 1.30.No major drama if it's bit late, but DH asked his mother if lunch could be served 12ish so toddler wouldn't get too hungry and tired. This was agreed. Because of our hours, not many of our meals are eaten together, so make a point of trying to eat together.

Day of lunch, as we get there at 11.30, lunch is being put into oven. It's a roast so will take 2 hrs. I had brought snacks but not a proper meal because I thought we'd be eating early enough not to need one. Didn't eat till 2, toddler went beyond point of being able to eat, cried a lot, I wasn't able to eat my dinner and we had to leave.

At the time, I just thought, meals can take longer to get on table, especially when hosting, but DH's mother has probably cooked more roasts than I've eaten and use to cook professionally. She knew we'd be eating late. I don't know if it was just thoughtless or, more likely, she didn't like us requesting an early lunch and decided to do it her way. If I'd known, I could have prepared for it. AIBU to be really cross about this. It ruined an important occasion.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 09/10/2014 13:41

That's rude.

If she'd said it would be 2-3pm you could have given toddler a sandwich then a nap, and he'd have been hungry and rested for his "lunch" later on.

Who's right about the timing of a roast more generally is irrelevant: if you say a meal will be at a certain time then you should plan to serve it then!

Aherdofmims · 09/10/2014 13:42

She should have said beforehand so that you could plan and bring a substantial snack or even meal for toddler if needed.

Otherwise yabu as whole world doesn't need to fit round your child.

NorwaySpruce · 09/10/2014 13:43

I don't suppose your mother in law though it reasonable to arrange a family lunch around a baby/toddler.

If the child was hungry, a sandwich should have done as lunch before a nap I guess. Would the family have been ok with you doing that?

LadyLuck10 · 09/10/2014 13:44

Yabvvu, why did you not walk into the kitchen and make your dd a sandwich? You could have done that instead of letting her cry and be miserable.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 09/10/2014 13:44

Personally i would never ask if food could be served at a certain time to suit my toddler. I think thats pretty rude. It's annoying that dinner was not served at the agreed time. Hopefully that wasn't done on purpose. If i were you i would of asked what time food was and if they said 2 i'd if bought a sandwich or something with me.

Mammanat222 · 09/10/2014 13:44

Could you not have asked them to rustle up the toddler something when you knew lunch wasn't going to be ready on time. Toddler then would have been fine and could have had a wee plate / nibble when the actual lunch was ready?

I do think them agreeing to serving lunch early and then not wasn't fair but in the grand scheme of things it would have been no big deal to me.

Nancy66 · 09/10/2014 13:45

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

you can't expect people to plan around your child. Was he/she ever likely to just sit quietly at the table anyhow. and midday is far too early for most adults to eat lunch.

I think you're the ones you have been rude I have to say.

JustAShopGirl · 09/10/2014 13:45

why is it a big drama - just take food with you, ask for some food when you are there, say toddler needs to eat something

12ish is bloomin' early for childless adults to eat - especially at a weekend when a lie in might have meant breakfast at 10.

she was probably a little thoughtless, but just following her routine, didn't realise time was getting on, she was not hungry and would not expect guests to arrive hungry at that time of day...

Mammanat222 · 09/10/2014 13:46

What is unreasonable however is why you didn't ask someone to make toddler some food when you knew that he/she was hungry and lunch wouldn't be ready?

Nancy66 · 09/10/2014 13:46

I agree with others. you could have just asked to make some toast, fed the kid and put it to bed at 1.30 as you planned.

Artandco · 09/10/2014 13:46

Personally I would have just made some toast for toddler, put them down for nap at 1/1.30pm as usual and had a nice lunch in peace with child asleep. Then offered any leftovers to toddler at 3 or so when woke if hungry still.

Heels99 · 09/10/2014 13:46

When you saw her putting a roast in that would take several hours, did you say " oh toddler won't be able to wait that long, I will make him a sandwich/ beans on toast/ whatever" ? He could have had that, gone to sleep and then woken up to join you for the latter part of the meal. She was thoughtless to change the lunch time but I would have opened the fridge and made an alternative to keep toddler going. It was at your in law house so presumably that would have been fine and better than ruining an important occasion.

AlleyCat11 · 09/10/2014 13:48

Agree with Norway. Who the hell eats a roast at midday?

YackityYakYak · 09/10/2014 13:48

Why is it rude to ask family?! If MIL didn't want to she could have just said no, and the OP could have organised something for her DC to eat.

Doing it deliberately like this is quite passive/aggressive, really.

gointothewoods · 09/10/2014 13:49

YABVU, you should have just made something else for the child. The world does not revolve around your toddler.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2014 13:51

No way could I have eaten a roast at midday, that's almost breakfast to me!

But she should have refused so you knew where you all stood.

You said you brought snacks though, so why didn't your toddler eat them?

AuditAngel · 09/10/2014 13:51

There is no way we would ever serve Sunday lunch at 12 in our house, but I also wouldn't have agreed to it either.

A snack should have been available, but as to whether it was up to you or MIL to provide it?

When you saw the toast going into the oven, could you not have asked for something for your toddler (such as the suggested sandwich)?

We don't run on a routine, but Family members do, I think you need to make allowances as when we were children we were expected to fit into the routine of the family/house, rather than the current trend for small children to be the driver for the entire (extended) family. And before you ask, I do have 3 children, the youngest is 3.

LineRunner · 09/10/2014 13:51

Did your DH really arrange for the whole family ensemble to eat a roast at 12 just to suit your toddler?

Doesn't sound like it.

I think crossed wires at best; that they/he fobbed you off at worst.

But someone in that house should have made your toddler a sandwich or toast or something fgs. All very odd that so many adults couldn't do this.

MaryWestmacott · 09/10/2014 13:51

She knew the meal wouldn't be ready for when you asked, but rather than just say "no, that doesn't work for us, we'll be eating at 2pm" so you could plan round it, she decided to try to prove to you that your toddler could just fit in with an adult routine, and you had a shitty time and she was proved wrong in a way that ruined the afternoon for everyone. Next time she'll either serve at a time your DC will eat, or she'll not have realised the problem was serving at 2pm, but have convinced herself her DCS's bad behaviour was just down to your poor parenting.

You'll get a whole load of posts now from people with super flexible children telling you that you are just doing it all wrong if your child can't go from breakfast until 2pm without food, but most toddlers can't. Those who are 'super flexible' and can 'go with the flow' are normally being fed such substaintial snacks they are effectively having lunch at the time they want, then just picking at the food at 2.

Next time, take a packed lunch and at 12 feed your child. If it pisses off your MIL who wants to cook for you, then she'll have to learn part of being a good host involves catering for your guests, including hte little ones.

Or just don't go for meals until your DC is older.

NorwaySpruce · 09/10/2014 13:52

And to be fair to the hosts, it might not have occurred to them just how ridiculously early a 12 o clock lunch is, until they were faced with preparing it just after breakfast Grin

ohweeeell · 09/10/2014 13:52

YANBU I have had experience of things similar to this. If she had let you know that lunch would be later you could have given toddler lunch and a nap before going round.

I think its unfair of her to purposefully change the time of lunch requested, in some sort of one-up-manship, presumably because she didn't like the time of lunch being dictated to her, the only person who it really affected greatly was her DGC (and of course you guys who had to deal with upset toddler, but more so the little one).

Thurlow · 09/10/2014 13:53

YWNBU to ask about the meal timing. And she shouldn't have agreed and then done something different.

However when it got to the point where your Dc was clearly starving it would have been better to ask for a sandwich or some toast and fed them lunch rather than waiting.

I know people on MN say you're being precious for being bothered what time your young child eats or naps. Sod that line of thinking. Does no one remember what a mess a young child can get into when they are hungry or over-tired? It's not remotely U to ask anyone to help manage around a young child's routine - though on the flip side, it's not U of them to say 'no' either, in which case the parents need to make it work.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 09/10/2014 13:53

I think when it was clear lunch was going to be much later than expected I would have made DD a sandwich at her usual lunchtime. If MIL said anything DH would have explained that DD can't wait until 2pm for a full meal, but will probably have a few nibbles at that time as well, but to make her wait will result in her being upset.
I think it was handled badly TBH.
A meal for lots of people can't be planned to fit around just one child, but you could have snuck her a quick sandwich to keep her going.

In future I would be tempted to just ask what time lunch will be served and plan meals around it for your DD.

Artandco · 09/10/2014 13:54

I'm slightly puzzled. Did all the adults just spend 2 -3hrs watching toddler get more hungry, whinny and tired?

wreckingball · 09/10/2014 13:55

Well that's you told OP. Grin