To be annoyed lunch was so late

[happygonicky]

Big family lunch at in-laws, have very good-natured toddler who generally eats lunch at 12, naps about 1.30.No major drama if it's bit late, but DH asked his mother if lunch could be served 12ish so toddler wouldn't get too hungry and tired. This was agreed. Because of our hours, not many of our meals are eaten together, so make a point of trying to eat together.

Day of lunch, as we get there at 11.30, lunch is being put into oven. It's a roast so will take 2 hrs. I had brought snacks but not a proper meal because I thought we'd be eating early enough not to need one. Didn't eat till 2, toddler went beyond point of being able to eat, cried a lot, I wasn't able to eat my dinner and we had to leave.

At the time, I just thought, meals can take longer to get on table, especially when hosting, but DH's mother has probably cooked more roasts than I've eaten and use to cook professionally. She knew we'd be eating late. I don't know if it was just thoughtless or, more likely, she didn't like us requesting an early lunch and decided to do it her way. If I'd known, I could have prepared for it. AIBU to be really cross about this. It ruined an important occasion.

I think need to remember that although relatives probably want to see your child an hour chatting/playing is enough, no need for a toddler to join in with a big meal, great if they can, but if it's not possible then it's not really a problem.

I think children need to regularly sit down with their parents to eat, we sit down every night and eat dinner as a family, but big family dinners aren't the normal eating situation so if toddlers miss out it's not a huge problem.

If it happens again can you make a sandwich for the child at 12, then put him to bed anyway at 1.30 and give him his main meal at 5 instead

YABU to "be really cross". You are capable of talking to your lunch host, aren't you?

YABU to "think it was done deliberately" Why do you think your MIL would organise to host a lunch that people had to leave rather than enjoy, or to make her grandchild unhappy?

YABU to think everyones social life should revolve around your child's routine

and you are YABVVU to decide its a problem and get arsey about it way after the event for the sake of it

Let it go, and take breadsticks next time.

It wasn't a deliberate act to ruin the day.

This sort of thing happens. What will happen next time is that you will have a better plan for going with the flow, and you will probably have learnt a bit about how better to ensure your daughter's routine isn't completely disturbed. Or you will have accepted that actually, your daughter won't have suffered long term damage from a fairly irregular interruption to her routine, so it's all good.

Maybe it's because I grew up in a big family (eight siblings), but I find the idea that toddlers are little dictators who ought to have everything at every event catered to them at the expense of a wider family circle utterly laughable.

Don't stress so much, don't worry so much. She had a bit of a miserable afternoon, okay so it's not fun when they whine and cry and you didn't get to eat, but really it's no big deal and she'll have forgotten the entire thing by now. Next time your DH will hopefully know not to refuse the thoughtful offer of a sandwich. And hopefully you or he will know to just go ahead and put her down for her nap when she gets tired.

Honestly, unless your MIL is a horrible person, you are being unfair and unreasonable. You need to try very hard not to imagine purposeful slights where there aren't any.

You saw the meat go into the oven at 11.30. You knew it would take a couple of hours. At that point, why didn't you formulate an alternative plan?

You could easily have asked for a sandwich and put the toddler to bed.

You could have asked for something smaller like toast to tide him over.

Lots of things rather than leave him in meltdown and then have to leave entirely. I don't really get it?

Sorry, misread your post. Should have been she/her.

YANBU. The time was agreed prior, she should of apologised and offered food for your DD. In your shoes I would have asked for a sandwich/something for your toddler & put her down for a nap at usual time. But families can be tricky.

You will know for next time I suppose!

You subsequent post shows this is all a fuss about nothing and no one was really in the wrong, except that you are upset about it afterwards.

My Dad always wants to eat Sunday lunch really late - think between 3 and 4. Although I would personally not want to eat as early as 12 (I think 2 ish is about right for a roast myself) we have got used to just making sure that the kids (and I) have a snack at normal lunch time and then have the dinner as a sort of early tea, with another light snack before bedtime. This seems to work - obviously we have to sort out the snacks ourselves as we couldn't expect dm to be making all these many meals! (Please don't go on to why df doesn't do the cooking if he is that particular - it's not my business!)

Also I think it's unfair to expect military precision at big family get togethers. It often doesn't happen that way. Nothing worse for the host than a load of uppity people who can't accept that sometimes things take a bit longer, and omg the lunch isn't ready exactly when we want it, and so on and so forth.

Honestly, time to let it go.

Oh gosh, just noticed I'd missed your update. So you were offered food for her and declined. You didn't register how late the food would be and you allowed her to stuff herself with crisps to the point others commented? Sorry, but you dropped the ball. A shame the meal wasn't when planned, but you could have saved the situation multiple ways.

People who haven't read the thread, the mil did offer am earlier lunch for toddler.

Sunny, the MIL did offer food for the toddler. The OP'S husband declined it.

YANBU - Perfectly reasonable to ask for an earlier lunch. MIL agreed to early lunch, the least she should have done is told you how far behind she was running.

So its ok for you to completely switch off yet it's MILs fault for not serving dinner til two?

It wasn't unreasonable to ask. She probably should have said no. But fact is one of you could have made a sandwich put her down a little early for her nap then got her up in time for dessert or something.

I don't see how it's everyone else's fault that you were too busy gassing to feed your child.

I think you are being defensive because your family criticized you for giving her crisps-just ignore .
Op one thing I learned fairly early on is that only you know your DC routine and other people usually arent that interested.
If you are going to be out/with family and they(Small DC) need to eat then you facilitate it.
So a packed sarnie etc -my DC used to eat earlier if they were too tired DS would have scoffed the roast as well it really didnt matter if they were asleep when we ate.
Eventually they were old enough to join the main meal .

Tbf I did miss the fact that originally you had made some allowances for the fact that things maybe just have been delayed. Don't really understand why you have let resentment fester and ended up feeling as if it had been done on purpose.

I expect it's a mix of PFB and the usual MIL tension. Try not to give it space and credence unless it's actually warranted. Family, as long as there's no toxicity and major dysfunction, is important, and it will be far better for your child if things are kept friendly and comfortable.

Next time, just make sure you do a few simple things to ensure your daughter is able to eat and nap when needed. And try not to be too rigid about things in general - It really will not matter if the three of you don't get to eat together every single time. Perfectionism is a poison.

MILS dont like to be told what to do - lest of all when concerning their GC.

It probably was done out of control.

HOWEVER she is going to survive eating late and it wont kill her to be full of crisps and snacks.

next time, do your own thing there, make your own thing for her, and leave her out

So basically it was general laxness all round - MIL to get the lunch ready by 12 (or to explain the general anti-socialness of such an arrangement), you to notice the implication of the roast going in, DH to actually communicate with his Mum, or you, about toddlers' needs, you busy chatting and not noticing the time or thinking about the nap, no-one actually talking, thinking or planning.

Actually none of these things are mega. Just put it down to experience.

Op one thing I learned fairly early on is that only you know your DC routine and other people usually arent that interested.

This is the truth. A big family roast was never going to be served up at 12 to suit your toddler. Although your life revolves around your toddler's routine, no one else is all that interested in it, and will expect to carry on as normal with your child fitting in around the majority, rather than the other way round.

We've all been there OP, but it's not your mil's fault.

MaryWestmacott Thu 09-Oct-14 14:29:46

maybe its all the baby books? all teh parents I know are paranoid about feeding dc on the dot at 12?

I never consult the time when feeding really, or when doing lunches....the toddler roughly eats after morning nap, which could be 12.30 or or even 2pm

It's a general neuroticism, perfectionism and anxiety fuelled by all sorts of ridiculous expectations people place on others and on themselves. Very sad. It's a kind of tyranny that is insidious and poisonous and does children, parents and wider family (never mind society) no favours at all. Comes from good intentions, of course - everyone wants to do it just right in every aspect. And yes, I think 'experts' and their associated books have to take some of the blame, for sure. The idea that parenting has to be approached as some kind of precision exercise is ridiculous.

I don't think that's entirely true.

Not everyone has the set up to wing it all the time. Between school runs and work you can't have kids going to bed at all hours on full stomachs so a 7/8 bed time and a 5/6 tea is ideal. And you can't go waking kids up at 6.30 in the morning without them being too grumpy of they had a late night. And if kids are up by 7 for school then 12/1 is naturally when lunch would fall. Of course it pays to be a bit flexible at weekends and holidays and special occasions but there are limits even then.

Ideal situation would have been lunch when she noticed the roast going in. Then an early nap so the dd could be woken for desert or for a few nibbles at end of meal.

I'm not referring to general time keeping and routine. Obviously that's sensible. We all have to live in the real world. I'm talking about the idea that parenting is an exercise in perfection. It is not.

I can't believe you asked for an important family lunch to be served to suit the needs of one small person who probably would not have given a toss about it anyway.

I would have thought having the later lunch whilst the toddler had the nap was by far the better option. By all means let your toddler keep to her routine, but don't impose that routine on a family of adults too. Quite unreasonable.