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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed lunch was so late

143 replies

happygonicky · 09/10/2014 13:38

Big family lunch at in-laws, have very good-natured toddler who generally eats lunch at 12, naps about 1.30.No major drama if it's bit late, but DH asked his mother if lunch could be served 12ish so toddler wouldn't get too hungry and tired. This was agreed. Because of our hours, not many of our meals are eaten together, so make a point of trying to eat together.

Day of lunch, as we get there at 11.30, lunch is being put into oven. It's a roast so will take 2 hrs. I had brought snacks but not a proper meal because I thought we'd be eating early enough not to need one. Didn't eat till 2, toddler went beyond point of being able to eat, cried a lot, I wasn't able to eat my dinner and we had to leave.

At the time, I just thought, meals can take longer to get on table, especially when hosting, but DH's mother has probably cooked more roasts than I've eaten and use to cook professionally. She knew we'd be eating late. I don't know if it was just thoughtless or, more likely, she didn't like us requesting an early lunch and decided to do it her way. If I'd known, I could have prepared for it. AIBU to be really cross about this. It ruined an important occasion.

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/10/2014 14:21

Surely you knew at 11.30 that lunch would not be until 2pm at least? This is the time you should have said something, and asked for a sandwich for your child.

Thurlow · 09/10/2014 14:23

I'm bemused by the posters who think that asking family if a meal could be served at a certain time, to suit their grandchild, constitutes demanding that the whole world revolve around said child

Ditto. It's like a parallel universe sometimes.

"Your young grandchild gets hungry about 12. Any chance we could eat then?"

To which a reasonable reply is either "Yes, that's fine" or "That's a bit early, I'll make sure I have something in they can have for lunch."

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/10/2014 14:24

Just saw your last post.
Whats your problem then? You were happy to criticize your MIL, until you realized posters were blaming your parenting/lack of foresight, and then you are saying that it was all fine, and toddler happily snacked but was too full for dinner?

In your OP you said toddler cried, and you had to leave without eating, which one is it?

Nancy66 · 09/10/2014 14:25

Your update makes you sound even more unreasonable I have to say!

Hakluyt · 09/10/2014 14:25

"In fairness, MIL had offered my husband to make her something but he just thought the meal would be ready a little bit later than planned, which wouldn't have been a problem

Despite him seeing the roast go in at 11.30?

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 09/10/2014 14:26

So you think your MIL deliberately planned to ruin an important occasion, by delaying a roast dinner, that she'd spent hours cooking herself, and had invited a bunch of relatives over to eat?

Why would you think that? Was it to piss you off, or your DH, or to prove some point to the bunch of relatives that were visiting?

Numanoid · 09/10/2014 14:26

"I'm slightly puzzled. Did all the adults just spend 2 -3hrs watching toddler get more hungry, whinny and tired?"

This was my thought as well?

Same ^. Why didn't you give her some food? Surely if there was nothing in MIL's kitchen (which I doubt), someone could have went out and bought a snack from a nearby shop?

It is unreasonable to expect everyone else to fit around your child's eating habits, sorry, so I don't blame your MIL for not arranging things around you. 11.30am is way too near breakfast time for me, I wouldn't have lunch before 12. Maybe she's the same?
However she could have let you know beforehand that it was going to be later.

MaryWestmacott · 09/10/2014 14:29

Can I just say, I love that every time there's a thread like this (and there's a lot, and there's goign to be tonnes on the run up to christmas!), you'll get several posters who'll say without a hint of self awareness something like "I couldn't eat a full roast/Christmas dinner at 12noon, certainly not before 2pm, you shouldn't make the family fit round your child's routine." completely missing the point that they are suggesting that they can't cope with a change in their eating routine, and that it's more appropriate to expect young children to be flexible than grown adults when it comes to meal times.

"Family meals" set at 2pm aren't family meals, they are adult meals with cihldren being kept quiet and fussing at the table because they've already eaten or are past eating.

I do wish more grandparents wouldn't try to host family meals without making allowance for the youngest memebers of the family. It's really a shitty way for a child to spend a day, only a treat for the older people, horrible for the children, and horrible for the parents. They are a rubbish idea.

Numanoid · 09/10/2014 14:29

Just saw the update so forget the food-related part of my post. Although if she couldn't eat because she was full of crisps, that's hardly MIL's fault.

MrsHathaway · 09/10/2014 14:31

Well, quite, Mary!

Heels99 · 09/10/2014 14:32

Ok so mil did offer an earlier lunch to the toddler so I think mil is off the hook. If you declined th earlier lunch then obviously child will be tired and hungry. What a shame your toddlers lack of lunch ruined an important occasion. The other guests must have thought it was most bizarre not to feed a child and then have to leave when they get grisly. Poor child though!

Waltermittythesequel · 09/10/2014 14:32

Hang on!

Big family occasion.

Offer of making toddler something which was turned down.

Lunch served after toddler's usual nap time.

Yes?

So, if your dh hadn't refused an earlier lunch for toddler, she'd have been fed and put down for her usual nap thereby waking a jolly, happy child who could have joined in?

Instead you fed her a load of crisps and wouldn't put her down for a sleep at her normal time?

How is this MIL's fault?!

Truelymadlysleepy · 09/10/2014 14:32

I do think when you're out of the zone with little ones you forget .

MIL was probably running a bit late with the meal & didn't really think through the implications of trying to feed an over tired toddler already full of crisps.

12 is too early for most adults to eat a big roast dinner but if you're a parent of one you tend to just accept it.

YANBU but neither is MIL

Mammanat222 · 09/10/2014 14:33

"it's just we realised how often she's eating alone and wanted to include her in family meal"

All well and good but if you have a hungry, grumpy toddler then you feed them?

They don't understand why they are waiting!

"What happened was she was perfectly happy, was eating loads of crisps, then came to sit down and couldn't eat. Too full of crisps (and snacks I'd given her in car) and too tired"

Well if she was full up (albeit on crap) and tired surely she'd have gone down for her nap?

"Also, I didn't really register that the meal was actually going in so late when I saw it. Which I know sounds mad but it wasn't until I thought about it afterwards that I realised it was always going to be a lot later. I was busy chatting and catching up with relatives and the time passed, it wasn't until toddler got upset at table that I realised quite how late it had got"

So at the time you didn't notice how late lunch was going to be when you arrived, nor as the time ticked on, you are just offended about it all in hindsight?

"In fairness, MIL had offered my husband to make her something but he just thought the meal would be ready a little bit later than planned, which wouldn't have been a problem"

Bangs head against the wall - really???

Sorry but the only person who ruined lunch was yourself.

Yes MIL was wrong to tell you lunch was going to be early but all the rest was completely avoidable and quite frankly doesn't make you come across very well.

Artandco · 09/10/2014 14:35

Ok, so if child was full of crisps, why not just put down for a nap before meal started?

LadyLuck10 · 09/10/2014 14:36

So your child being upset is your fault not your mil. You got busy chatting and forgot about her, and then was offered to make something for her but you didn't. All you all there op?

Floggingmolly · 09/10/2014 14:36

So, she wasn't hungry; she'd just missed her nap. Which you unaccountably refused to put her down for...

KoalaDownUnder · 09/10/2014 14:38

Yes MIL was wrong to tell you lunch was going to be early but all the rest was completely avoidable and quite frankly doesn't make you come across very well.

Completely agree with this.

Basically, you and your husband dropped the ball. You let your toddler get overtired and full of junk food, instead of taking up your MIL's offer to feed her early. The only person you should be 'really cross' with is yourself!

Hakluyt · 09/10/2014 14:39

"I do wish more grandparents wouldn't try to host family meals without making allowance for the youngest memebers of the family"

What by offering to make the youngest member of the family something to eat, or something like that...........?

Original poster

happygonicky · 09/10/2014 14:41

MIL offered lunch to DH, who just assumed it was running, say, 20 mins late. I should have taken lunch. Relatives have come a very long way to see us (in particular toddler), so I thought it would be nice to eat together (as well as good for toddler). Yes, I should have kept better track of time, but it was a fairly special, busy occasion (lots of catching up etc.).

OP posts:

HoldenMcGroin · 09/10/2014 14:42

Why did your husband say no to his mum whipping up something? I would be giving him x ray eye burns not MIL.

MaryWestmacott · 09/10/2014 14:42

Quint - I took it that she's only brought crappy snacks and there were only things like crisps put out, not a proper sandwich or meal.

Clean - my MIL has done something similar, not deliberately trying to ruin the day, but more, just not believing us that DC1 needs to eat before 1pm. She just can't get her head round that if she pushes it out to 2pm he will have got hungry so will have eaten a meals worth of crisps and snacks, not eat his lunch and be a grumpy sod at a meal time.

We had a lot of ruined sundays (often impacting onto sleep on Sunday night and making for horrid starts to the week), until SIL had her DD, she just refused to go for meals served too late, took her own picnic for her DD and then (this was the genius bit) left at 1:30pm every time to "Take DD for a nap in the buggy", so would miss lunch herself. It worked, MIL could serve whenever she liked, but if she wanted her DGD at the table, she had to serve when SIL said. Funnily enough, MIL has commented how wonderful that my DS has 'outgrown being difficult at the dinner table' and how lovely he's started eating more than just crisps and junk, it's really that now she serves family meals at 12:30, he always had good manners when he wasn't overtired and overhungry.

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 09/10/2014 14:43

The solution is always to push the chirstmas lunch until 4pm - 5ish and have it as an early tea for the children, really late lunch for the adults.

Gosh, I would be dying of hunger by then. What are you supposed to eat in the mean time? I don't fancy toast/sandwich for my lunch on Christmas day!

Original poster

happygonicky · 09/10/2014 14:43

OK. IABU. Fair enough. I didn't 'forget' about my toddler, Ladyluck, I lost track of time, catching up with relatives we rarely see.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 09/10/2014 14:45

MissPenelope - you have a big christmas brunch! Honestly, if a small child can be expected to 'make do' with toast or a sandwich, why not an adult having a big fry up at 11?

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