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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of selfish DP. Just taking the piss now.

84 replies

Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:17

As of September this year DP and I were down to one wage as I was going back to uni for a year. We've known about this for some time and we both agreed we'd need to be careful with money for the year. He even suggested a few times that I drop out of uni (with one year to go on my degree!) as it will put us into financial hardship. It won't - we just need to be careful.

So I started uni a few weeks ago and all of a sudden DP wants to be out watching bands and going to festivals and nights out. He never used to!

So in the past 3 weeks we've had him on a night out with mates, a music festival, same music festival the following night (in which he took his eldest son and was shelling out beer money for him all night) and then a 40th birthday party. He said then when I expressed my concerns about money "I promise that is it now, no more." Sunday just gone he says to me "oh, on thursday a band is playing that I want to go and see, do you fancy it?" (week after we're going to a show and weekend after is another band he wants to see).

I said "no because we're heading into the overdraft and we're supposed to be watching the money!!" he replied that it wouldn't cost much, he wouldn't drink etc etc ... to cut a long story short it turns out he'd already agreed to go with his eldest son before he even mentioned it to me!!!

It's just getting ridiculous. 2 issues really ...

He's like a kid, if there is something he wants to do he'll bloody well make sure he does it. He knows we're trying to watch the money yet he's not bothered because it's something HE wants to do. If ever there is anything I want to do he reminds me that we're supposed to be watching the money.

Second issue is his son who is approaching 19. DP bends over backwards to impress this lad (who makes sure he never has any money on him when he's with his dad) and DP just shells out beer money for him whilst telling the other kids (his other son and my sons) that we can't afford this and can't afford that. It's like he sees his eldest as his best mate, it's getting stupid. He's obsessed with him. The lad told us that he couldn't afford to repay the £10 he owed us one weekend and then turned up at our house with £75 shoes on which he'd just bought. Whatever ... but then DP went and bought the exact same shoes for himself!!! (he got them second hand for about £5 so it's not the money that's the issue here but who goes and buys the exact same shoes as your son?? even his son was embarrassed and told him he couldn't wear them whilst out with him!!)

Anyway, the issue is that he just won't sacrifice anything HE wants to do no matter what and I think it's so selfish when the family are struggling for money. Second issue is that I feel a bit disrespected really when he's going behind my back arranging nights outs with his son while the rest of us are staying in every weekend to try and save money.

AIBU?

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 07/10/2014 13:19

Is he 'paying you back' for going to uni? It sounds like he feels quite negative about the drop in income.

Are there any options for you to keep earning, at least in the holidays? Or at least have an open talk about what happens after the course finishes and what you plan to do about work?

Bogeyface · 07/10/2014 13:21

How old is he?

Hanging out with his 19 year old son? Gigs? Same clothes as his son? Hmm

I smell a mid life crisis....

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:22

My course is 37.5 hours a week and I'm guaranteed a job at the end of it. 100% guaranteed as I'm already employed and can pick up where I left off. I'm also pretty much guaranteed a post graduate job at £22k a year from this time next year.

OP posts:
backbystealth · 07/10/2014 13:22

I feel a bit torn.

He sounds immature and very much like he is trying to sabotage your degree/future career. Is he controlling or insecure by any chance?

On the other hand, this is clearly what you wanted to do and you you deciding the family budget. He clearly doesn't agree.

It's hard to say without knowing you both.

I'm all for women (and men) furthering your education to have more life and career options, but if it's at the detriment of the family you have to ask if ti's the right time to do so/

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 07/10/2014 13:22

Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me! Can you get a part time job OP? Uni isn't full time is it?

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 07/10/2014 13:23

37 and a half hours a week is full on! So you can't really work. He does sound like he's being silly. But as I say...the trainers thing made me think Mid Life Crisis.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/10/2014 13:24

It sounds like he resents having to subsidise you while you finish studying.

How long have you been together?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/10/2014 13:24

You're not being unreasonable but he thinks he's got you over a barrel. And he's right, he has.

"He even suggested a few times that I drop out of uni"

He couldn't have made his position clearer, could he? And now he's doing his utmost to force the issue. You either put up and shut up, or reconsider just how you're going to finish this last year of Uni without his support. This is not a man I'd be thinking of staying with long-term. Anyone who's prepared to sabotage my future wouldn't have one with me.

joanofarchitrave · 07/10/2014 13:25

I'm only saying this because I went back to uni, and it was quite a big hit for the family to take; I was on a mission and nothing would have stopped me tbh. It may not in the least be a rational way to behave, but he may be semiconsciously thinking 'I deserve to spend as much on myself as she is spending on her course' or 'My kids are as important/more important than her course so deserve as much money spent on them'. Which is pretty stupid, but perhaps needs talking about. Because if he goes on like this, you're going to end up taking your qualifications and your guaranteed job and hightailing it out of there, which is probably not what he wants at all.

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:25

Yes Bogeyface this is a huge issue with us. He just seems to want to hang out with young kids all the time. A few weeks ago (at yet another festival) he got all excited and said "oh look my mate! I need to go and say hello" and these two young lads (can't have been much older than 20) approached looking rather uncomfortable. Said a few quick words and then buggered off as soon as they could. I said "they're your mates? looks like they couldn't wait to get away!" and he said "no you don't understand them, they're just pissed off with me because of a night out I didn't go to a few weeks back" Hmm yeah ok.

But year he buys the same clothes as his son and even pretends to like the same music. He's 43. it's so cringy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:28

I was at uni when we got together. I took a year out so that I could work full time and the plan was always that I go back this year and finish it. He knew that.

Bare in mind that his own son is sat here bored on a weekend because we have no money - despite big brother and dad having a whale of a time at the local music venues.

OP posts:
Anotherchapter · 07/10/2014 13:30

He sounds immature and very much like he is trying to sabotage your degree/future career. Is he controlling or insecure by any chance?

^^^this.

You are going to uni to better yourself to make more money for your family. He is being a knob.

How you go about tellng him I don't know because it sounds like he diednt want to listen to you.

Also have you posted about him and his son before ? You sound familiar - has this been going on a few years with his eldest son? Placing him above all including his youngest son?

OTheHugeManatee · 07/10/2014 13:32

Whatever the other rights and wrongs, it sounds pretty clear that he's withdrawn his support for your last year of university.

ouryve · 07/10/2014 13:32

Manipulative manchild :(

And a bloody selfish one, at that. He resents you going and completing your degree and improving your earning potential, so he's going to play big spoilt baby and do his utmost to make you feel like crap for it. He couldn't tell you not to do it, so he's strutting around, displaying his feathers, spending money like it's going out of fashion knowing that it will put everyone else in the family in a difficult position.

backbystealth it wouldn't be at the detriment of the family if the OP's DP hadn't started throwing money around in a way that he hadn't done previously.

olgaga · 07/10/2014 13:39

He's trying to sabotage your plans.

I'd waste no more time and energy on this relationship. Can you move back home or flatshare while you finish uni?

I'm sure you've posted about your situation before. Seriously, do you really want to stay with a man who is deliberately trying to stifle your potential?

He's a complete wanker. You'll be well rid of him and his freeloading son.

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:39

Yes he is controlling and manipulative.

A classic last week was "oh dear, we it looks like we can't go away for your birthday next year like you were looking forward to as you can't control your kids behaviour so I dare not leave them." - my response was "oh? does this mean we can't go away for that festival that you were looking forward to around the same time then?" .... he replied "well we'll have to see if we can sort something out."

Yeah, bet you do.

I'm just sick of it, I really am. He makes out that he'll all supportive of my finishing my degree (which to be fair once done elevates our finances hugely for the foreseeable future!) yet his actions are of a person who really, REALLY wants to fuck it up.

OP posts:
Username12345 · 07/10/2014 13:48

I hope you have separate bank accounts.

Otherwise if he's going into the overdraft - he's going down and taking you with him.

Bogeyface · 07/10/2014 13:50

He does want to fuck it up. I think it is a MLC coupled with jealousy. Like all controlling men I suspect he is drawn to you because you are capable, intelligent, hard working and emotionally mature....all the things he wishes he was but isnt. So his jealousy of your achievements and abilities leads him to try and "take you down a peg".

Does your other step son live with his mother and spend time with you or does he live with you? I would be chucking the man child out and then having a word with the boys mother so she knows how much her son is being ignored.

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:54

No both sons live with their mother and visit weekends. Only in the past year or so the eldest basically just comes when he wants something or if we are doing anything interesting. I don't blame him to be honest, I wouldn't have stuck to "access arrangements weekly" at 19 but I do feel that he's starting to take the piss a bit with it. I mean, who goes on a night out with NO money whatsoever. In summer he stayed with us for the whole week with no money and no bank card and just nattered for stuff like a child.

Lately youngest has been making his excuses about not coming but who can blame him! the whole weekend just turns into the "DSS1 show".

OP posts:
CockLovingWhore · 07/10/2014 13:58

From your posts, you don't mention that you have any children or that you're married. I'd be taking a good look at what you're doing and where you going with this relationship. He should be supporting you 100% not acting like this. He is an adult and needs to behave like one.

figgieroll · 07/10/2014 14:01

Have you pointed out to DH that he has a favourite child?

OfaFrenchMind · 07/10/2014 14:09

If you are sick of him, and that would be justified, leave him now.

But If you leave him when you are done with Uni, and have your new job, you will definitly be the bad guy. And in a sense, rightly so. Because you will be the one living on his money while you were off studying and doing something not for the family, but for yourself (and your own child).

So make up your mind now. Don't be a user.

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 14:12

FrenchMind - I'm certainly not a user! I would be financially better off on my own now. I'd get full bursary and tax credits. I don't need to live off him. I want to live WITH him but a bit of support wouldn't go amiss.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 07/10/2014 14:12

Don't give up your uni place. You have already studied and it will give you better prospects for the future. I am sure he will want to take advantage of extra money you will hopefully get paid so he has to take the tighter budget now imo. You can't have it all ways but he obviously wants too.

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 14:13

Yes Figgieroll. I pointed it out and got told I speak bull and obviously don't like his eldest son. I actually do like him. I just don't like the way he's treated as a bloody messiah.

OP posts: