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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of selfish DP. Just taking the piss now.

84 replies

Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:17

As of September this year DP and I were down to one wage as I was going back to uni for a year. We've known about this for some time and we both agreed we'd need to be careful with money for the year. He even suggested a few times that I drop out of uni (with one year to go on my degree!) as it will put us into financial hardship. It won't - we just need to be careful.

So I started uni a few weeks ago and all of a sudden DP wants to be out watching bands and going to festivals and nights out. He never used to!

So in the past 3 weeks we've had him on a night out with mates, a music festival, same music festival the following night (in which he took his eldest son and was shelling out beer money for him all night) and then a 40th birthday party. He said then when I expressed my concerns about money "I promise that is it now, no more." Sunday just gone he says to me "oh, on thursday a band is playing that I want to go and see, do you fancy it?" (week after we're going to a show and weekend after is another band he wants to see).

I said "no because we're heading into the overdraft and we're supposed to be watching the money!!" he replied that it wouldn't cost much, he wouldn't drink etc etc ... to cut a long story short it turns out he'd already agreed to go with his eldest son before he even mentioned it to me!!!

It's just getting ridiculous. 2 issues really ...

He's like a kid, if there is something he wants to do he'll bloody well make sure he does it. He knows we're trying to watch the money yet he's not bothered because it's something HE wants to do. If ever there is anything I want to do he reminds me that we're supposed to be watching the money.

Second issue is his son who is approaching 19. DP bends over backwards to impress this lad (who makes sure he never has any money on him when he's with his dad) and DP just shells out beer money for him whilst telling the other kids (his other son and my sons) that we can't afford this and can't afford that. It's like he sees his eldest as his best mate, it's getting stupid. He's obsessed with him. The lad told us that he couldn't afford to repay the £10 he owed us one weekend and then turned up at our house with £75 shoes on which he'd just bought. Whatever ... but then DP went and bought the exact same shoes for himself!!! (he got them second hand for about £5 so it's not the money that's the issue here but who goes and buys the exact same shoes as your son?? even his son was embarrassed and told him he couldn't wear them whilst out with him!!)

Anyway, the issue is that he just won't sacrifice anything HE wants to do no matter what and I think it's so selfish when the family are struggling for money. Second issue is that I feel a bit disrespected really when he's going behind my back arranging nights outs with his son while the rest of us are staying in every weekend to try and save money.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mummymeister · 07/10/2014 14:16

OP not once in any of your posts have you said you love your DP. Do you love him? this so smacks of a midlife crisis it is untrue. he is behaving like someone with no responsibilities and being really selfish just like a teenager is. so what you have to decide is, is all this crap now worth it. is he going to magically change in a years time when you finish your course. whats the age gap between you? midlife crisis never end well. you need to sit him down calmly and tell him that his current behaviour is starting to be a deal breaker as far as your relationship together is concerned. if he carries on after this, then you have your answer. either put up and get on with it or get out.

Itsfab · 07/10/2014 14:16

So people should always stay in dead relationships because they happened to pay for a few bills and dinner for you when you were mutually benefitting from being together? Hmm French, don't talk crap.

HoldenMcGroin · 07/10/2014 14:18

Och just get rid

He is totally sabotaging you

Ugh

TheStarsLookDown · 07/10/2014 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topaz25 · 07/10/2014 14:22

What are you getting out of this relationship? It seems clear that he isn't going to be supportive while you are at uni and you have said you would be better off without him financially so it seems to be time to consider whether you would be better of without him emotionally as well. If knows you are able and willing to leave, he might buck up his behaviour but don't bet on it.

bleedingheart · 07/10/2014 14:22

He sounds like an older version of Jay from the Inbetweeners (note older version NOT more mature!)
Do you even like him anymore? Would you be better off single, with your children?

He does sound like he resents your study but don't give it up now, you'll be finished before you know it!

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 14:23

Age gap between us is 10 years (I'm the younger one).

He's mid life crisis all over - hanging out with young 20 year olds, buying the same clothes as his kid, downloaded "chat apps" because they were in the top 10 apps list ffs.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 07/10/2014 14:28

Why are you relying on him to support you through your studies? He was clearly not on board with it. It does sound like a MLC but as long as you both think you're right then nothing will change. If you can cope better without him, then you should do that.

BlackWings · 07/10/2014 14:29

Tbh OP I'd be more concerned about the 'controlling and manipulative' traits you mention. You seem to be focusing on his 'young' behaviour and his relationship with his dc rather than his actual shortcomings.
Why on earth would you want to live with someone who you admit is controlling?

Original poster
Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 14:29

Thinking about it he probably sinked into mid life crisis mode after his divorce. Married young, 15 years of the "quiet sensible life" - all of a sudden he's 40, divorced and thinks "shit, where did my life go?"

In his head he's now "young, free and single" and wants to go off and enjoy himself again like he did before he was married. Only he forgets that

a) he's not young (he's approaching mid 40s)
b) he's not free (he has responsibilities)
c) he's not single - although maybe that one could work out for him if he carries on.

((( takes off psychologist hat )))

OP posts:
Downamongtherednecks · 07/10/2014 14:30

Ruthenall you are behaving like an adult - studying, budgeting, trying to improve things for the family. Separate your finances as much as possible. He will either come round from the MLC or he will blow the whole set-up sky-high, so you need to get ready for that. You are not his mother, and the spite with which he is undermining your future is breathtaking.

dreamingbohemian · 07/10/2014 14:32

Quite frankly, I think you are bonkers to stay with a man who's clearly sabotaging you, when you would be better off financially and emotionally on your own.

It doesn't really matter why he's doing it (although midlife crisis seems pretty apt) the point is that he is trying to undermine you and if this goes on he might wreck you financially.

If you don't want to completely break up, at least move out, separate your finances, and still see each other occasionally if you want.

It's foolish to hold onto a partnership arrangement with someone who clearly does not understand the real meaning of partner. It doesn't even sound like you've been together that long, better to make a clean break now.

BaffledSomeMore · 07/10/2014 14:34

Sounds like he's trying to hang on to his youth then. Younger girlfriend, even younger 'mates'.
Would it be feasible to move out? It would give you a better chance of finishing and might shock a bit of sense into him.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/10/2014 14:34

I would be financially better off on my own now. I'd get full bursary and tax credits. I don't need to live off him

So don't. It really is that simple.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 07/10/2014 14:35

This sounds so familiar. He's wedding/festival guy isn't he. The one who gets obsessed with the young guys at his work.

He sounds very difficult for you. Do you like him? Love him? Are you generally happy in your life together? Are you hanging on in the hope it'll improve at some point in the future?

mummymeister · 07/10/2014 14:52

Ruthenall - still haven't said you love him. speaks volumes to me. start now, today, separating out your finances. if he wants to be sad dad hanging with his teenage sons friends then let him. if he wants to be YF and S. give him his wish. you are supporting this lifestyle choice of his and he is not supporting yours. You are young so ditch him now before he drags you down with him. it is so obvious that you are worth so much more than this.

BaffledSomeMore · 07/10/2014 14:52

Could be Gilbert, could be. In which case I'm sure the OP was told by many people to move on because he doesn't have her happiness at heart.

Babycham1979 · 07/10/2014 15:01

It does sound a bit like a mid-life crisis of sorts. Maybe the fact that you're back at uni has made him question what he's done/doing with his life.

You keep saying 'we're down to one wage', but the reality is that you're both living on HIS wage, while you get to do something worthwhile, but still selfish. Maybe he resents this? Maybe he feels as if he's subsidising you to do something you love, and as if he's missing out? It doesn't have to be a matter of spite for someone to feel as if they're missing/losing out.

On the other hand, you both sound more than a little bitter, and as if you dislike each other. Maybe you should go your own ways, and then neither of you will have to worry about losing out to the other.

Hissy · 07/10/2014 15:08

I thought that too Gilbert sounds familiar.

if we are correct OP, go and get your bursary/tax credits and leave this idiot

SolomanDaisy · 07/10/2014 15:11

Ah, I remember those previous posts. There was one about the chat apps too, wasn't there? And a few about the favouritism? I assume he must have some redeeming features, what are they?

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2014 15:17

Sounds like a man who is stabbing you in the back whilst pretending to be your caring other half. I still can't work out if you're married and have children with him or not. But would you really want to be with a man like this longterm? He is sabotaging your studies in a passive aggressive way and thats a horrible thing to do. Hardly trustworthy or supportive. Id be off..all this hassle, whilst you're studying? Leave him to play the great I am, impressing and keeping up with his son. A situation like this would kill any love I had for a man stone dead.

catsmother · 07/10/2014 15:18

Are you the OP whose younger stepchild has special needs ? Sorry if that's not you but many elements of this sound familiar.

You obviously don't need us to confirm he's being a selfish twat - not only to you but also his own (younger) child. I read it as the pair of you both agreeing that you'd go back to uni - and all things considered it sounds a very sensible thing to do - but now it's actually come to it he doesn't like it (jealousy ? fear of being shown up as "thick" ? fear of you meeting someone else there - who knows ?) and as others have said is effectively punishing you by refusing to act like an adult and budget with you so the family money gets spent fairly and sensibly - maybe with some element of "treat" spending for everyone if you're both careful. His spending is already affecting you - and his youngest - and TBH I don't know how he can have any sort of clear conscience about what he's doing.

The rest of it sounds creepy and weird. Yeah, you can enjoy music at any age and you can form friendships across the generations too - but overall, when you have family commitments they take priority over one person's social life first .... and all but forcing yourself onto other people who clearly don't really want your company is rather pathetic. Also agree his older son obviously knows his dad is a soft touch and is milking that too. It's so unfair but if he won't listen to common sense and reason you really only have two choices - either put up with it and then almost certainly have to clear up a whole great financial mess, as well as damaging your mental health (because this sort of treatment will grind you down) - or, you split up. I know which one I'd choose especially if you'll actually be better off. I know you don't want to have to make that choice and it's very sad, but surely you can't stay living like this for another year while he treats you with contempt ?

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2014 15:20

Maybe he doesn't see the relationship lasting forever, and resents funding you and your child, so you can earn more money for yourself after you split?

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2014 15:22

Oh..just read further up and I do vaguely remember your previous posts now.

Well - you must love this man more than you love yourself so I guess you will stay with him, and just vent on here from time to time.

I have a mind that the both of you are consumed with being "right" as opposed to actually doing the right thing so the love/hate scenario will continue. Until you get older and bitter at how much time you've actually wasted

Viviennemary · 07/10/2014 15:27

I sympathise with him I'm afraid. Because even if he agreed to cut back the reality is a different story. He is going to work but can't afford to enjoy himself because you're a student. I think you should have made your own financial arrangements but he shouldn't have agreed in the first place. But don't give up your uni place. Can you not go it alone.

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