To be sick of selfish DP. Just taking the piss now.

[Ruthenall]

As of September this year DP and I were down to one wage as I was going back to uni for a year. We've known about this for some time and we both agreed we'd need to be careful with money for the year. He even suggested a few times that I drop out of uni (with one year to go on my degree!) as it will put us into financial hardship. It won't - we just need to be careful.

So I started uni a few weeks ago and all of a sudden DP wants to be out watching bands and going to festivals and nights out. He never used to!

So in the past 3 weeks we've had him on a night out with mates, a music festival, same music festival the following night (in which he took his eldest son and was shelling out beer money for him all night) and then a 40th birthday party. He said then when I expressed my concerns about money "I promise that is it now, no more." Sunday just gone he says to me "oh, on thursday a band is playing that I want to go and see, do you fancy it?" (week after we're going to a show and weekend after is another band he wants to see).

I said "no because we're heading into the overdraft and we're supposed to be watching the money!!" he replied that it wouldn't cost much, he wouldn't drink etc etc ... to cut a long story short it turns out he'd already agreed to go with his eldest son before he even mentioned it to me!!!

It's just getting ridiculous. 2 issues really ...

He's like a kid, if there is something he wants to do he'll bloody well make sure he does it. He knows we're trying to watch the money yet he's not bothered because it's something HE wants to do. If ever there is anything I want to do he reminds me that we're supposed to be watching the money.

Second issue is his son who is approaching 19. DP bends over backwards to impress this lad (who makes sure he never has any money on him when he's with his dad) and DP just shells out beer money for him whilst telling the other kids (his other son and my sons) that we can't afford this and can't afford that. It's like he sees his eldest as his best mate, it's getting stupid. He's obsessed with him. The lad told us that he couldn't afford to repay the £10 he owed us one weekend and then turned up at our house with £75 shoes on which he'd just bought. Whatever ... but then DP went and bought the exact same shoes for himself!!! (he got them second hand for about £5 so it's not the money that's the issue here but who goes and buys the exact same shoes as your son?? even his son was embarrassed and told him he couldn't wear them whilst out with him!!)

Anyway, the issue is that he just won't sacrifice anything HE wants to do no matter what and I think it's so selfish when the family are struggling for money. Second issue is that I feel a bit disrespected really when he's going behind my back arranging nights outs with his son while the rest of us are staying in every weekend to try and save money.

AIBU?

toad op dropped out with one year to go to work full time so that's hardly the case. One fucking year they just had to watch what they spent so she could bring more money in.

op he is a twat to you, your ds and his youngest one.

Actually OP if you think about it, it even makes sense for all of you as a family if you move out, because then you will all have more money coming in, if you will get full bursary and TC. You don't have to split up but it's only for a year and you would be much better off financially.

It's actually silly to live together given that. You don't have kids together, you can't have been together more than 2 years.

I suspect you are thinking of yourselves as a family unit and he is thinking of it more as 'my girlfriend who lives with me'. So in his mind you are selfish, while in your mind you are thinking long-term for all of you.

He has no obligation whatsoever to support the OP financially while she is a full time student. He seems to have agreed under duress and then taken more pressure about spending his own money. The best solution is to live apart for the year at Uni and then take it from there.

Sounds to me like the DP has been presented with a unilateral decision and is being expected to shut up and pay for it.

It doesnt sound to me like it was a fait accompli, they agreed this would happen and agreed that although they would have to be careful, it would be worth it.

Its not like he isnt spending as he always did and she is kicking off about it, he wasnt doing this until she started her course, knowing full well that they could afford their current lifestyle but not the gigs, shopping etc that he has started doing. That seems like sabotage to me, otherwise he would always have been like this.

Are you really saying that him suddenly pissing money up the wall at the very same time the OP is trying to better herself is a coincidence? Add that into him aping his son and hanging around with kids half his age, you end up with a rather sad man who is frightened of getting old and his younger partner outshining him. Pathetic really.

OP were you at uni when you got together and agreed with him to give up for a year and then go back?

I don't know... is he obligated to support her?

I think when a couple have made a real commitment to each other, are living together, plan to be together for the long haul.... then yes, each of them is agreeing basically to support the other person if they are not earning for a good reason. It could be because they're being a SAHM, or between jobs, or studying for a degree that will definitely and very soon improve their financial situation (as long as both agree to the studies, which was the case here). If one person isn't earning but for a reason that is good for the family, then I think the other person should support them.

The problem here is that I suspect the OP thinks she is in this situation, hence thinking it's okay for him to support her now because she will be able to contribute more to THEIR finances in a year.

I suspect though that he doesn't really see things this way, he wants a carefree life with a younger girlfriend and isn't thinking long term.

what are you doing at uni? you mentioned Bursary....... I'm at uni myself and must admit it was really hard at first for DH to fully understand and the drop in income did take its toll on us but he soon became 100% supportive that I was doing this for not just me for the whole family.
I think the thing with us is he thought I was going to uni to be 18 again and party with the young ones....... your DP could feel like you are having a ball and a social life and feel like he needs to be doing the same.
I wouldn't be making excuses though, this is YOUR time, its time to think about yourself and if it means going your separate ways then get applying for that full bursary.

'I would be financially better off on my own now. I'd get full bursary and tax credits'

then I think that is what you should do.

'I would be financially better off on my own now. I'd get full bursary and tax credits'

But you would have to work 16 hours to get tax credits surely?
and why did you give up studying before if you were getting by on bursary and TCs ?