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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of selfish DP. Just taking the piss now.

84 replies

Ruthenall · 07/10/2014 13:17

As of September this year DP and I were down to one wage as I was going back to uni for a year. We've known about this for some time and we both agreed we'd need to be careful with money for the year. He even suggested a few times that I drop out of uni (with one year to go on my degree!) as it will put us into financial hardship. It won't - we just need to be careful.

So I started uni a few weeks ago and all of a sudden DP wants to be out watching bands and going to festivals and nights out. He never used to!

So in the past 3 weeks we've had him on a night out with mates, a music festival, same music festival the following night (in which he took his eldest son and was shelling out beer money for him all night) and then a 40th birthday party. He said then when I expressed my concerns about money "I promise that is it now, no more." Sunday just gone he says to me "oh, on thursday a band is playing that I want to go and see, do you fancy it?" (week after we're going to a show and weekend after is another band he wants to see).

I said "no because we're heading into the overdraft and we're supposed to be watching the money!!" he replied that it wouldn't cost much, he wouldn't drink etc etc ... to cut a long story short it turns out he'd already agreed to go with his eldest son before he even mentioned it to me!!!

It's just getting ridiculous. 2 issues really ...

He's like a kid, if there is something he wants to do he'll bloody well make sure he does it. He knows we're trying to watch the money yet he's not bothered because it's something HE wants to do. If ever there is anything I want to do he reminds me that we're supposed to be watching the money.

Second issue is his son who is approaching 19. DP bends over backwards to impress this lad (who makes sure he never has any money on him when he's with his dad) and DP just shells out beer money for him whilst telling the other kids (his other son and my sons) that we can't afford this and can't afford that. It's like he sees his eldest as his best mate, it's getting stupid. He's obsessed with him. The lad told us that he couldn't afford to repay the £10 he owed us one weekend and then turned up at our house with £75 shoes on which he'd just bought. Whatever ... but then DP went and bought the exact same shoes for himself!!! (he got them second hand for about £5 so it's not the money that's the issue here but who goes and buys the exact same shoes as your son?? even his son was embarrassed and told him he couldn't wear them whilst out with him!!)

Anyway, the issue is that he just won't sacrifice anything HE wants to do no matter what and I think it's so selfish when the family are struggling for money. Second issue is that I feel a bit disrespected really when he's going behind my back arranging nights outs with his son while the rest of us are staying in every weekend to try and save money.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Anotherchapter · 07/10/2014 15:48

op I'm sure you have already posted about him and his son but it was a year or two ago??

Nothing has changed has it? Do you really expect it to change in the future? I feel sorry got his younger ds and yours. They must feel like shit.

moaningminnie2 · 07/10/2014 15:57

I think it's a bit rich you calling him selfish.Who is keeping a roof over your and your DC's heads whilst you are following your dream and draining the family finances in the process...and you begrudge him a few nights out with his own son.

Anotherchapter · 07/10/2014 16:01

Shock hardly moan

A few nights out with his son isn't what's going on here. AND op is doing this so she can contribute more to the family pot.

moaningminnie2 · 07/10/2014 16:04

£22k is a hardly a great salary though is it?

thereturnofshoesy · 07/10/2014 16:08

i am confused.
so you are uni
your DP is working and paying the bills and so on.
and he is selfish..
don't get it

Bogeyface · 07/10/2014 16:13

Then may I suggest you RTFT return?

Not least the bit where he refuses to spend money on his own youngest son in favour of himself and his older son, and also the bit where if he doesnt want to do something then he claims they cant afford it but spunks whatever he likes up the wall on booze.

thereturnofshoesy · 07/10/2014 16:14

I did RTT but still can't see why he is selfish

Bogeyface · 07/10/2014 16:20

So you dont see that him totally changing his behaviour, going on at her to give up uni despite agreeing to it, spending money they cant afford, spoiling a 19 who has his own money because he can, ignoring his youngest son and refusing to spend money on the family so he can go to festivals as selfish?

We are not talking about the odd night in the pub here, but his total refusal to see anyone elses needs but his own. Standard MLC. All we need know is a ONS with a 20 year old girl and we will have a full house.

DaisyFlowerChain · 07/10/2014 16:27

It sounds like you want everything your own way. He made it clear he didn't want to be the only earner yet you went ahead and made him it anyway. Now you want to control what he spends his earnings on.

You sound like you don't respect him or even like him. You could leave if unhappy and pick up weekend or evening work to boost your income.

OfficerVanHelsing · 07/10/2014 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 07/10/2014 16:35

You could get a weekend job to help finances. I hardly think somebody who has offered to financially support another adult through Uni can be called selfish. I think you need a reality check the more I think about this.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2014 16:36

OP, do you ever spend your partner's money on your own son? If so, he probably wants to do the same.

He's made it quite clear he doesn't want to fund you and your child while you go to University.

What you need to do now, is sit him down and talk it out.

After that, you can decided whether you'll need to split up and fund your own learning, but I don't think you can force him to change.

Bogeyface · 07/10/2014 16:39

I hardly think somebody who has offered to financially support another adult through Uni can be called selfish

Not if they stuck to their promise no. But he hasnt. He is trying to get her to quit and spending money they cant afford, presumably to force her to quit.

Hardly the actions of Mr A.L.Truistic is it?

Bogeyface · 07/10/2014 16:41

OP, do you ever spend your partner's money on your own son?

I thought they were a family? A unit? How is it that she treats his sons as family but she isnt to expect him to do the same for her? So it isnt "his money" is it, but family money. In the same way that what H earns is to support us as a family despite some of the children who live here not being H's. Or would it be ok for H to say "I dont want to support your kids anymore"?

Viviennemary · 07/10/2014 16:43

People make promises all the time and then reality checks in. I know what people would be saying if it was the other way round. Kick out the CL. he's a waste of space.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2014 16:44

He hasn't offered to financially support her. He's made it quite clear that he doesn't want to.

I don't know why he agreed, perhaps he was cajoled, who knows?

Or maybe he doesn't see a long term future together...this is why they need to talk it out again.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2014 16:45

Bogey, he is doing the same for her. The fact he's funding this means that he is spending money on her son.

Therefore, he should be allowed to spend some on his own son too.

Topaz25 · 07/10/2014 16:45

To be fair, I initially thought he might be feeling the financial pressure but then I read that OP has a guaranteed job after uni and would be able to contribute more to household finances so this is really an investment in their financial future and OP would actually be better off on her own with bursary etc so isn't with him for the money. Now I think he is being unfair.

BaffledSomeMore · 07/10/2014 16:46

Does the op have children or are both the boys dss?

OfficerVanHelsing · 07/10/2014 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2014 17:03

Suggesting quite a few times, that she drops out of uni because it will put them into financial hardship, is making it crystal clear imo.

Quite why he eventually agreed to something he's so unhappy with, only the OP and her DP knows.

But I'm sure if the sexes were reversed, the term 'cock lodger' would have been mentioned at least once by now.

These two aren't married, they have no children together, it would be quite simple for her to walk away the minute she starts earning at the end of the course.

Perhaps being moaned at for spending some of his money on this own son too, has brought that home to him?

Only he knows, which is why they need to talk.

Itsfab · 07/10/2014 17:14

return read the thread again then.

OP - why would you stay?

Do a pros and cons and see if the great sex good stuff is worth the crap stuff putting you down and being a total prat.

Toadinthehole · 07/10/2014 17:16

Sounds to me like the DP has been presented with a unilateral decision and is being expected to shut up and pay for it. At most he agreed that money would be tight if the OP went back to uni. Well, that is just stating the obvious. Alternatively, at some time in the past he agreed that the OP should go back to uni. Well, people are entitled to change their minds - we don't know what else has happened in the meantime.

Downamongtherednecks · 07/10/2014 17:28

The OP is making plans for the future and working towards them for the whole family, whereas the DP is pissing money up against a wall and behaving as though he is 20 and as though only his one of his sons matters. The only reason they are suffering financially is because he is behaving like an idiot. He is spending money like this to force the OP to give up university.

Anotherchapter · 07/10/2014 17:34

I'm actually shocked at some of the replies on this thread. It's quite clear that he didn't want her to finish her degree which she has a higher pay job waiting for her? Why would he do that?

Will she earn more than him? Will he feel beneath her?

She left it for a year to work full time and put in to the pot and the plan was she went back. It's not fair he is acting like this. They both agreed she would go back and they could manage it if they were careful.

He is trying to force her to leave it, wasting years of work and the prospects of giving the ALL a better life. He sounds like a twat. He is seeing his other child go with out so he can relive his youth.

moan 22 grand a year may be not a lot to YOU but to others it's better than nothing. This woman has worked hard to better her self and her twat of a dp is not supporting her for his own selfish reasons.

Maybe us women should all just stay at home STFU and get on with the ironing Hmm

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