To wonder if it's possible to raise a child with no support at all?

[blackberrypicking]

From extended family and so on.

Or is it a recipe for disaster?

but I would never choose to raise a child alone - I did. I understand others don't choose to do this but how can someone who hasn't tried can be so sure that they wouldn't do it

I never understand how someone can be so sure about something they haven't experienced.

The fact that so many parents fly completely solo and do a good job surely just goes to show that it is indeed possible and even possible to do it well. Choice is irrelevant - some people cope better than others naturally and some people learn to cope.

The difficult question to answer is what would you regret more - having the baby or not having it?

I never understand how someone can be so sure about something they haven't experienced.

Oh it's easy Kew too bloody easy.

Tomorrow I will be in adoption giving you all the benefit of my zero experience of that type of parenting

Praying arsenic?

The difficult question to answer is what would you regret more - having the baby or not having it?

Very wise.

OP if you can get a true picture of your financial position with a baby first, you'll be in a better (calmer) position to consider all options. Don't make a panic-driven decision.

"I never understand how someone can be so sure about something they haven't experienced.".

Sure about what kew? The fact that I wouldn't choose to raise a child alone? I can be very sure on that.

It's definitely NOT easy! There were weeks when they'd eat their tea and I'd have to pretend I wasn't hungry or had already eaten due to money.

But we made it through on one piece!

Feel free Arsenic, we do like visitors. Mind you we can be a little blunt with certain types...

(You seem very sure about imposing your idea of 'ideal' family on others combust. I sense an ideology. Religious? Or just old fashioned, oppressive and driven my no experience whatsoever?)

Kew

I can be very sure on that.

That surprises me. I have faced situations that I had previously been adamant about how I would react and when it came to it, I didn't feel that way at all. Infertility and adoption didn't come without benefits... one of them being less sure of my previously firmly held convictions. Maybe with age comes not just infirmity and chin hairs but also a little more flexibility and empathy.

Combust - to be fair the OP wasn't asking if you could cope - I shall take your word for it that you wouldn't.

OP asked if raising a child without support was a possible or a recipe for disaster. Obviously it is possible even without support.

OP - single parenthood without support can be very very hard. But more joy than you can possibly imagine if its what you want

kew- you don't know what the OP wants.

Neither do you combust. But you tell her one of her options is 'not ideal'. You're the ONLY one here making value judgements about different family types.

It's not about "family types" - it's about the fact that all children have two parents.

Ideally both those parents should give that child support. I'm not making a value judgement- you can't alter biology.

Oh toddle off to gay parenting or adoption and annoy them with your 'biology' nonsense.

Okay - £111 won't pay my mortgage though.

And kew you weren't alone. You had your mum - I'm not having a go but I have no one.

Thanks for replies. I don't know what to do.

I'm a single parent with no family living close by and have been raising my kids alone for the past six years. I wouldn't say that I manage entirely without support because I have some very good friends who will look after the DCs if I need help (and, of course, I will always return the favour for them).

I do worry about what would happen if I were ill. I have an insurance policy which will pay out if I am so I could afford emergency childcare if anything serious happened to me. Worth doing if you can afford it, though I appreciate not everyone can.

As I am their only parent, what keeps me awake is the worry about what would happen to the DCs if I died. Haven't solved that one yet.

Have you run your details through the calculator OP?

You will be able to get tax credits, child benefit and maybe some council tax help on top of the £111...

Plus any child maintainence you might get (it isn't deducted from entitlements).

I think the first thing you need to do is decide if you want the baby. Very few people are in an ideal financial position to have a baby and often plans of how you raise a baby and support change.

I have looked after my DS alone since he was tiny, no family support. Is it tough yes, For the first few years I rarely got to go out. I couldn't afford childcare as well as the expense of going out.

I did build up support, childcare you can get 70% paid if you are on low income.

Now my son is a junior he has sleepovers sometimes has started going on beaver camp.

I don't regret my descision at all. It does take sacrifice

I know a lot of families with less than ideal situations however they have not proven recipes for disaster.

Some of the worst are when one of the parents is round enough to be difficult - or to swan in and out of the DC lives at their convince or just go for bloody awkward for the sake of getting their rights and ignoring their responsibilities - but have little to no concern about the DC needs or the impact their actions have on their DC.

So OP situation is more ideal than some if those situations.

No one is telling the OP what to do - no one saying being a lone parents with no support is easy. Most posters on here are saying they have done it or in my case trying to be helpful - explaining they found themselves in situations they didn't expect but they managed.

Arsenic as strange as it may seem to you but even adopted children and those raised by gay parents have two biological parents.

Maybe you didn't know that of course.

I don't know your situation OP, but I think if I was in my 20s, no family support, father of baby gone, in early stages of unplanned pregnancy, I would certainly consider a termination - but it wouldn't be just the lack of support alone that would make me do that.

We live away from family so had little support when rearing our children but there were 2 of us so it was easier. It can be done but I think you need to be very proactive in forming new networks of friends/support if you don't have family as automatic backup. For example, if I were in that position where I live I would probably move to Cambridge MA and think of moving into co-housing. I'd join a church community too (unitarianism probably), I'd be the biggest joiner upper at my child's school/nursery etc. I'd make sure I offered help to other parents etc. Some places are harder than others to make friends who will support you when needed but it can be done.

A friend of mine ended up having a teenager finish out his high school living with her family. His mother died of cancer when he was 15/16. She was a single mother, estranged from her family. His father lived overseas and had minimal input into his life. When that woman was sick, her friends, mostly made through work and her child's school, rallied around, helped with practical stuff and ultimately my friend, who met this woman when their children started school together, had her son live with them so he didn't have to move overseas to finish school.

OK. Could you maybe talk to the Citizen's Advice Bureau about your contract? There seem to be a variety of zero-hour contracts and a lot hangs on whether you are classed as a 'worker' or an 'employee'. Then you would know exactly where you stand. Also they could explain how things work re your mortgage and maternity allowances.

This might sound a bit extreme but have you worked out what you would be entitled to if you left your job and claimed maternity/benefits for a year or so before going back to work? (Sorry, that is making assumptions about the job market around your way)

You can raise a child on your own, definitely.

The concern from your posts is that 4 weeks maternity pay is not enough. I was going to say 'possibly' not enough but no, I'd say it really isn't enough. That would mean working up until the day you give birth, which may not be possible. And 3-4 weeks recovery from birth isn't long enough.

Maybe ... does look like for it to work I'd have to rely entirely on benefits though.

Which makes me feel bad.