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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it's possible to raise a child with no support at all?

123 replies

blackberrypicking · 06/10/2014 21:59

From extended family and so on.

Or is it a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:
Original poster
blackberrypicking · 07/10/2014 08:08

No. V newly pregnant.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 07/10/2014 08:10

Yes I became single whilst pregnant with my 4th DC.I had no help at all and we were all fine.

All the children have grown up well,oldest has a good job and 3 younger children are all doing really well at school.

3 years later I went onto meet a lovely man,we've had our 5th DC,were married and he's Dad to all the children.

combust22 · 07/10/2014 08:15

Many Mums do a brilliant job of raising kids alone- but with no support it's not a situation I would enter into.

Raising a child with a supportive partner or at least family support is always going to be easier.

I wouldn't go it alone.

Original poster
blackberrypicking · 07/10/2014 08:17

Thanks. That's very honest :)

OP posts:
combust22 · 07/10/2014 08:21

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

I found motherhood very challenging, especially in the early days even with a very supportive partner.
Even things like colic- which in my first child's case lasted 8 weeks. You could time the onset- 9pm every evening until 2am. My OH was brilliant, pacing the floor for hours with an inconsolable baby.

It would have broken me trying to cope with that on my own.

combust22 · 07/10/2014 08:22

How old are you OP?

Badvoc123 · 07/10/2014 08:25

I think that it can be done, but at what cost to the mother? (MH wise, money wise etc)
It's not something I would ever have considered.
I found it hard enough with a Dh and family support tbh.

gamerchick · 07/10/2014 08:29

So you're trying to decide whether to go through with a pregnancy or not and from your posts you're leaning towards the not?

It's not an easy ride having babies in any instance.. you just find a way of doing it and it works itself out.

Suckitup · 07/10/2014 08:34

Do you mean completely alone as a single parent? That is very different from having a partner but no family support.

I know two women who had a child on their own (one through circumstances, one by choice.) It is doable but even more exhausting and logistically difficult re childcare than for the average parent.

Both struggled to hold on to their career - nursing and teaching.

ohtheholidays · 07/10/2014 08:34

With being ill,if your ill you do just manage to muddle through.

I was really ill one time when all 4DC were really young,1,2,5 and 7 youngest DD was still breastfeeding,DS 2 is autistic and DS 7 was asthmatic when younger.

I dosed myself up,cuddled up on the sofa with them all and they watched movies most of the day.I made some simple snacks and a jug of squash and bought that into the frontroom and then at dinner time I made them scrambled eggs on toast.They all lived and they actually enjoyed the day of cuddling Mummy and watching tv.

You said about not getting paid,you must get paid sick leave surely?if your child's ill and your a lone parent you can take compassionate leave www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/your-rights.
As a previous poster said if you had to go into hospital there are people that can offer support,not only Social services there are charity's that can help out as well.

Speak to your midwife and explain your situation to her she should be able to find out about any help or support there is in your area.

With your job would you ever be able to work from home if you needed to?

Before the baby comes make sure you get everything in place that you need.

In my last month I batch cooked loads of meals and stuck them in the freezer so I didn't have to worry about finding 30-60 mins every evening to make a meal.

I also had my food shopping delivered till I was ready to go shopping with the 4DC.

Suckitup · 07/10/2014 08:39

It depends what else you want from your life/how old you are/finances/job/social life.

I had a partner but now on my own with the dc and little support from him financially or practically. I would never choose it and I too have lost my career.

ArsenicFaceCream · 07/10/2014 08:44

OP It can be done.

I did it for ten years with two children (from the day DC2 was born until I met DH).

Not easy, of course. But lots of things in life aren't easy. We survived colic and illnesses and SN diagnoses and various things. I did only ever work PT through those years, though.

At various points, DM sad faced (partnered) women would look at me and say melodramatic, scaremongering things like 'that would break me' or 'I just couldn't do it'.

But of course they were speaking of things they had never tried.

You muddle through.

What's your own feeling?

Suckitup · 07/10/2014 08:45

I remember having swine flu when my dc were little and literally could not move out of bed. They came in with me for the day. I remember crawling on the floor at the end of the day to change my little one's nappy which was all I could manage. No one would come and help because they didn't want to catch it!

There are emergency foster carers for mums who end up in hospital.

ArsenicFaceCream · 07/10/2014 08:49

On a practical level, as an entirely solo parent, you get into the habit of keeping very full cupboards, well stocked first aid box, plentiful calpol and calamine supplies....

yummytummy · 07/10/2014 08:53

Combust22 what if you didn't have any choice but to parent alone what if husband left and you were left a single parent? Some people don't have the luxury of choice and just have to deal with it.

CuttedUpPear · 07/10/2014 09:09

OP I was in your position 23 years ago. Pregnant and alone, my only close relative had just emigrated.

I was absolutely terrified and considering adoption.

But somehow you get through it. Over the years , I cultivated friendships with other mums, with good role models and with people who would enhance mine and DD's life.

I never regretted keeping her. She's just graduated from university with a 2:1.

Don't forget that nothing ever stays the same and the world can be a great place.

kentishgirl · 07/10/2014 10:21

I think it would be hard, very hard, but I'm sure people do it. When you are in a situation you can't change, all you can do is cope with it.

In emergencies, there would be help available. If, for example, you had to go into hospital, your children would have care arranged by social services. One of my friends was a foster carer and her first placement was a little girl whose single mum was in hospital. They took very good care of her and took her to visit mum every day. That little family had had no other involvement from social services, it was just to help them through the emergency.

Also, you'll build up networks with other parents, and can swap babysitting and emergency help with them.

kentishgirl · 07/10/2014 10:22

Is the baby's father not going to have any involvement? How about his family even if he isn't interested? The grandparents on that side?

ArsenicFaceCream · 07/10/2014 10:24

In emergencies, there would be help available. If, for example, you had to go into hospital, your children would have care arranged by social services.

Or, in all likelihood, you would have parent-friends by that point who would help out for a couple of nights.

AngelsOnHigh · 07/10/2014 10:28

I know numerous people who have moved to the other side of the world and didn't know a soul.

Yes, it can be done but you just have to be strong and build up a network of good personal and professional people who you rely on without becoming too "needy".

It's always good to reciprocate when and if you can.

OneStepCloser · 07/10/2014 10:31

I raised dd on my own, no family/partner and had moved to a new place. Yes it was difficult but after a whole you get into a routine etc... You will form a network with friends and even neighbours. I was on my own until dd was 13, she's now 20.

One amazing positive is that dd and I are so very close and have a fantastic relationship.

lavendersun · 07/10/2014 10:33

you would have parent-friends by that point who would help out for a couple of nights

We don't - having lived here for five years we don't have anyone to ask for an overnight emergency - actually we probably do have one elderly couple we could ask but we wouldn't because of their deteriorating health although we might if it wasn't in the middle of the night and the alternative was social services.

We don't have any close friends here at all. Making good friends is hard.

Kewcumber · 07/10/2014 10:36

I know single adopters who have no family support at all. They developed a different support network over time through having their child. It can be tough at times but it's doable and you do get into the swing of it after a while. I was lucky as my mother lives locally.

Good luck.

Kewcumber · 07/10/2014 10:37

On a practical level, as an entirely solo parent, you get into the habit of keeping very full cupboards Amen to that!

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 07/10/2014 10:58

lavendersun, I sort of agree but in practice when I was expecting DC2 and DC3 and DH was working away a lot I was really touched by the number of people who approached me and offered to help out if I needed it and told me to call them any time. There were at least four or five different families that I would have said beforehand that I didn't know well enough to impose on who actively volunteered. So you probably do have people you know who would be happy for you to call them for an overnight emergency; you just don't know who they are yet.