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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really understand what went on here?

90 replies

MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 14:04

Last week, DSD was supposed to be at her mum's for two days/nights.

DP rang me during the day on the second of those days saying his ex had just called him; apparently wasn't well and was feeling like she couldn't cope with DSD that night so could we have her?

Now, DP was out at a long-standing important work thing that evening and couldn't get out of it. I was going to be home alone that night with our 8 month old.

DP's ex lives with her fiancé and also lives in the same street as her mum and dad.

If you were the ex, would you:

A. Ask your mum who lives three doors away if she could pick up DSD from school and come over to make her some dinner and put her to bed while you put your feet up.

B. Ask your fiancé to take the day off work/leave work early to come and help you out?

C. Get the step-mother (i.e., me) to come and collect DSD from her grandmother's and have her for the night despite already looking after a small baby on her own that night?

Guess which one ended up happening...

OP posts:
MagratsHair · 06/10/2014 14:08

Why did your DP agree knowing he wouldn't be there that night? Were you asked before the arrangements were made?

SaucyJack · 06/10/2014 14:14

Is there a backstory as to why we should be feeling outraged on your behalf?

moxon · 06/10/2014 14:18

Although it might be a bit of a hassle, it is quite nice (unless there is a backstory you're not mentioning) that the mother trusts you and wants the child with you. Also it gives DSD and your DC a chance to bond a bit as siblings. And for the two of you to bond for the night without her father. If you're in it for the long haul, this is probably quite a valuable experience.

MagratsHair · 06/10/2014 14:18

So the DSD was already with the grandmother after school so you picked her up from there. So does this mean that the grandmother could not help with DSD that night as she was busy also?

Why did you not say no to DP? Seems fairly straightforward.....

PureMorning · 06/10/2014 14:20

The problem is with dp not the ex wife

He could of said no

asmallandnoisymonkey · 06/10/2014 14:20

Lovely, another step mother that is clearly miffed that their partner has another child.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/10/2014 14:22

C seems the most sensible to me.
If I've read between the lines correctly, she normally lives with you?

WooWooOwl · 06/10/2014 14:22

I'd ask my child's father before I asked my mum, fiancé, or my ex's new wife.

What I did after that would depend on what the father said.

Your issue may well be with your DH and not his ex. There is no more reason why her finance or mums should have done it over you.

jacks365 · 06/10/2014 14:23

I may be misreading it but is the primary home for your dsd with yourselves rather than the mum in that instance I can fully understand why she felt it was appropriate to say to your dp that she was unable and what did he want to do instead.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/10/2014 14:23

B would be silly when other options are there.

Spindarella · 06/10/2014 14:25

moxon
Although it might be a bit of a hassle, it is quite nice (unless there is a backstory you're not mentioning) that the mother trusts you and wants the child with you

Yes I thought this too. I'd assume that there was a reason she couldn't have asked her mother/fiance as those options would have presumably been easier for her?

JubJubBirds · 06/10/2014 14:25

I'm Confused about this. Surely it's nice that your DSDs mum trusts you and would prefer for you to have her is she or your DP can't?

JubJubBirds · 06/10/2014 14:27

Also agree with arethereanyleft, B is definitely not a sensible option.

McBear · 06/10/2014 14:30

I'm not really understanding what's gone on here either.

Why the issue?

Sounds like she lives with you the majority of the time. Is DP always there with you and her?

Monmouth · 06/10/2014 14:32

Maybe a bit more information.

Does your DSD live with you and DP most of the time? If so why wouldn't she come back early if her mother is ill?

KnackeredMuchly · 06/10/2014 14:36

I understand why C occurred. The best person to ask was her daughter's father. He decided the best person to ask was you. She thought that acceptable as you and your DP are a unit.

Quite nice really.

redskybynight · 06/10/2014 14:36

Well did DP's ex know he was out for the night before she rang? Chances are she didn't, in which case asking the children's father to help out sounds like the most obvious choice. Her parents would also be an option, but maybe she'd already asked them, or there was some reason why she didn't want to?

It's surely not that difficult for you to look after an 8 month old baby plus a single other child for a night?

Flexibilityisquay · 06/10/2014 14:39

I would have thought either a or c would be perfectly reasonable options, with b as a back up in an emergency. Did it cause you a problem?

Viviennemary · 06/10/2014 14:45

I don't think it was particularly unreasonable for your DP's ex to ask him to look after his DD. If it was massively inconvenient for you and he was out then he should have said could she make other arrangements.

PrivateJourney · 06/10/2014 14:49

Surely there's D. Ask the child's father to have her.

Doesn't matter how important his work thing was, it's down to the parents to make sure the child's cared for. So, DP either needed to skip the work thing or make an alternative arrangement (in conjunction with ex) which is what he did, presumably.

I also think it's sad that you're so outraged at having her.

Original poster
MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 18:47

Not outraged at having to have her. She's with us more often than not anyway.

More puzzled that when I'm ill, I don't need to get rid of my child. I suck it up and get on with it. As I'm sure most of you all do too.

And I only have DP as support. She has a DP and family right on the doorstep. Yet between them, none of them could sort it out.

Would you think it was reasonable if a man bailed on his contact night with his child because he didn't feel well?

Everyone I've told about this in real life thinks it's very weird.

And yes, huge backstory but I can't be bothered to go into it here. I'm sure people can fill in the blanks.

OP posts:
McBear · 06/10/2014 19:07

I get that she should suck it up, depending on illness and her family should be the there first, before you but unless she's a massive, lazy, exploitative bitch, I don't get it.

Or did I just hot the nail on the head Wink

Anewmeanewname · 06/10/2014 19:13

Well for what it's worth, I agree with you Op. Very odd.

Tutt · 06/10/2014 19:15

OP you posted in the wrong place you'll just get ripped to shreds in here!
Maybe the OP wanted the evening to be with her own baby, maybe she doesn't get much time just here and the baby and it isn't a crime to NOT want to spend time with a step-child.
You need to set clear boundaries if you don't want to look after you don't have to there are 2 parents, Grandparents close so you should have been D or even E.

HoneyDragonMumshnet · 06/10/2014 19:20

asmallandnoisymonkey

Where? I quite fancy reading one of those.

Op, I don't understand it either. It's great that her mum knows her dd has a comfortable and happy environment to go go even if her dad's not there. But it seems of lot of upheaval and faff, for your dsd for a short period of time.