To not really understand what went on here?

[MugginsHere]

Last week, DSD was supposed to be at her mum's for two days/nights.

DP rang me during the day on the second of those days saying his ex had just called him; apparently wasn't well and was feeling like she couldn't cope with DSD that night so could we have her?

Now, DP was out at a long-standing important work thing that evening and couldn't get out of it. I was going to be home alone that night with our 8 month old.

DP's ex lives with her fiancé and also lives in the same street as her mum and dad.

If you were the ex, would you:

A. Ask your mum who lives three doors away if she could pick up DSD from school and come over to make her some dinner and put her to bed while you put your feet up.

B. Ask your fiancé to take the day off work/leave work early to come and help you out?

C. Get the step-mother (i.e., me) to come and collect DSD from her grandmother's and have her for the night despite already looking after a small baby on her own that night?

Guess which one ended up happening...

If you died, OP, and your DP married again, you'd want his new wife to look after YOUR baby if she was ill wouldn't you?

Well obviously.

But she's not dead, is she? She's lying on a sofa, five minutes' drive away. Unable to look after her child because she's 'so ill'.

Yet I've managed to look after DSD, and my own DD, when I've been ill plenty of times.

Bloody hell. Poor little girl.

Unfortunately what she does id irrelevant. Have you spoken to your DP about it?

I'm sure the little girl in this feels a lot worse than you OP. It's not nice to not feel wanted.

Yes you are being unreasonable and you don't make sense. Your dsd has two homes if her mum isn't well enough to look after her logically she should go to her other home.

How much did this really ruin your day? Child was with a parent who was ill, she rang the child's primary residence to look after her. You had one extra child, for one extra night. Big deal.

I get what you are saying.

You are wondering why your DSD's mother palms her off on others at every opportunity instead of just looking after her properly. Not that you can't or won't do it, just wondering why on earth her own mother doesn't want to.

Don't know why, but it is very sad for your DSD.

I get the feeling, OP, that you are being flamed because you are the step-mother. If it was the other way around - then there would be a different response. It is sad that people cannot see past their prejudices against step-mothers to see that actually this post is about a mother who seems to be finding every excuse possible not to spend time with her own child and that, people, is the saddest thing.

And yes, I am a step-mother and have two of my own.

You are wondering why your DSD's mother palms her off on others at every opportunity instead of just looking after her properly. Not that you can't or won't do it, just wondering why on earth her own mother doesn't want to.

Yeah this is it in a nutshell basically.

Thanks!

actually this post is about a mother who seems to be finding every excuse possible not to spend time with her own child

And this too.

She once asked us to have DSD on her weekend because her then BF was starting a new job.

I get that you might have wanted an evening in with your baby but you do hear how uncaring you sound right

Does she arse. She sounds like someone who wanted some alone time with her own child.

In all honesty I wasn't that bothered about spending time alone with DD (sorry DD!).

I WAS looking forward to having a long soak in the bath with the house to myself once DD had gone to bed, but ultimately it didn't matter.

I'm merely posting out of bafflement at the idea that, when your child's ill, you just ship them off somewhere until you feel better.

I know I've said this a million times already, but I keep thinking about DP being ill and deciding he didn't fancy looking after DSD that weekend so making her stay with her mum's. Or in the absence of her mum: her mum's partner.

It would just NEVER happen.

I lost a pregnancy. And the day DP picked me up from hospital, he also picked DSD up as usual and we went on to have a 'normal' weekend together. Even though I wanted to curl up and die, DSD had no idea.

Because that's what grown ups and parents do. You get the fuck on with things.

Not having DSD home that weekend - even in those circs - just wasn't an option.

What's the problem with the fiancé picking up DSD from her gran's after work instead of me?

You're right, there's absolutely no problem with that. That wasnt your original OP though so that isn't what people are going to be responding to.

I'm probably more annoyed because it's just the latest bullshit in a long catalogue of bullshit reasons why she can't have DSD.

This is the problem then Muggins why didn't you just say so in the first place instead of drip feeding from quite a bizzare OP, of course you were going to get told YABU!

Right, let it all out then, what's been going on to make you feel so shit? How does your DP feel about it?

She does sound like she relies on the joint care a lot. It sounds like she's got a very different attitude to patenting than you. What does your DP think?

What a load of bollocks,its not the child's primary residence the op's DP is not the child's main carer (even if the op is trying to imply that's the case) she has clarified its 50:50, even if she did get in the little dig about the mother making requests for changes.

its not the op's responsibility and its perfectly acceptable for her to say no,parent your own child to the actual parents.

In an ideal world parents who live apart should be able to be flexible with the other parent when meeting the child's needs perhaps the mother believes she's doing the right thing by asking the dad.if the dad is not happy for her to do so he should be saying no.he shouldn't be volunteering his partner unless she's perfectly happy to be volunteered.

nobody would say a word if it was a grandparent/other relative who would prefer not to look after a child for any reason.the answers would be along the lines of "it's your responsibility to take care of your own child don't expect everybody else to pick up your slack" but as soon as its a female partner of the parent that goes to pot.

Oh god Jubjub I actually don't know where to start.

DP and I arrange our lives around the kids. As a result, we never need her to 'help out' on 'our days' because we don't do things like book romantic mini-breaks abroad, or accept invitations to parties in different parts of the country over weekends we know we'll have DSD.

Her and her DP seem to live like a childless couple. And they do do all those things. And it's infuriating.

There's also an element of loving the drama about it all. For example, one time she couldn't have DSD on one of her nights because her dog had been run over and she was too sad.

I know I've said this a million times already, but I keep thinking about DP being ill and deciding he didn't fancy looking after DSD that weekend so making her stay with her mum's. Or in the absence of her mum: her mum's partner

Really? So if you or your partner has a really unpleasant bug that you knew his daughter and the members of her other household did not have you would have her over to yours and expose her to it when you didn't have to?

Why?

In four years she has also never had DSD on her (i.e. the mum's) birthday weekend because she likes to go out and make a weekend of it.

In contrast, in the past four years, DSD has been with us for every single one of my birthday weekends. And it's always been lovely.

Why not make life much easier and have DSD all the time, she can go and stay with her Mum when her Mum decides she wants to see her, that sounds easier and nicer all round. At least then everyone would know where they were at and DSD wouldn't be being shipped around like a cold meal in a cafe.

Really? So if you or your partner has a really unpleasant bug that you knew his daughter and the members of her other household did not have you would have her over to yours and expose her to it when you didn't have to

But that's not the situation we're talking about is it?

DSD was at her mum's when her mum was already ill. Her mum then sent her back to ours - potentially giving it to us all, including 8 month old baby. Nice.

As you'd argue it, it would've been more sensible to keep DSD 'quarantined' at her mum's then, no?

Why not make life much easier and have DSD all the time, she can go and stay with her Mum when her Mum decides she wants to see her, that sounds easier and nicer all round. At least then everyone would know where they were at and DSD wouldn't be being shipped around like a cold meal in a cafe

DP and I would prefer that tbh. He floated the idea with her once but she shot it down because 'people would think she was a shit mum.'

Just think about when that poor little girl is older and she'll see that her mum used to ship her here and there but you and your dp was always there for her.

You do sound a tiny but uncaring though.

I'd 'float' it again. If floating it didn't work, I'd be telling her that is what is happening and if she didn't like it, she could take us back to court. You all need to know what's happening, DSD in particular.

I think the OP just sounds tiny bit fucked off actually and rightly so. It's not the child she has a problem with, but the feckless mother.

Given the back story, fair enough.

But in general, I see nothing at all wrong with asking others to care for your kid when you're ill. I've done it.

There's no medal for making unnecessary sacrifices. If you have decent options, why wouldnt you usethem. Are you trying to prove what an ace mother you are.