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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really understand what went on here?

90 replies

MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 14:04

Last week, DSD was supposed to be at her mum's for two days/nights.

DP rang me during the day on the second of those days saying his ex had just called him; apparently wasn't well and was feeling like she couldn't cope with DSD that night so could we have her?

Now, DP was out at a long-standing important work thing that evening and couldn't get out of it. I was going to be home alone that night with our 8 month old.

DP's ex lives with her fiancé and also lives in the same street as her mum and dad.

If you were the ex, would you:

A. Ask your mum who lives three doors away if she could pick up DSD from school and come over to make her some dinner and put her to bed while you put your feet up.

B. Ask your fiancé to take the day off work/leave work early to come and help you out?

C. Get the step-mother (i.e., me) to come and collect DSD from her grandmother's and have her for the night despite already looking after a small baby on her own that night?

Guess which one ended up happening...

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/10/2014 19:26

If a child actually lives with you and the other patent does not carry out contact unfortunately its tough and you just have to suck it up.

But you don't you are not related to the child nor are you responsible for providing the care her parents are.so her parent should have done it.

Sounds like the poor kid has 2 crappy parents

Sweetpea01 · 06/10/2014 19:27

YABU.

If child has residency with you and your DP, that essentially makes you one of her primary carers even if not a parent, I'd assume? You had your new child knowing the situation you were in regarding step child.

When my Ex is ill on his contact nights with kids, or his DP or DSS is, then I take my children back, no problemo.

And actually, I have parents down the road too but yes I would and have chosen Option C in the past. My Ex's partner is a wonderful lady and has even offered to do some school runs in the past for me.

We are ALL a family. We help each other.

Ludways · 06/10/2014 19:33

Obvious answer was C. Ex was unable to look after her dd so the answer is she goes home.

I've had my step dd on my own, along with my own dc's lots, it's not an issue.

SaucyJack · 06/10/2014 19:37

" Maybe the OP wanted the evening to be with her own baby, maybe she doesn't get much time just here and the baby and it isn't a crime to NOT want to spend time with a step-child. "

Well if said step-child lives in the same house as you and try to make them feel unwelcome or refuse to take any responsibility for caring for them, then yeah actually, it is pretty fucking out of order.

Not saying that's what you're doing by the by OP. You haven't really given us much to go on tbh.

Itsfab · 06/10/2014 19:46

Yes, I do just get on with it if I am ill but the ex has plenty of people who can help so why shouldn't they? The child gets looked after and the ex gets to rest so she doesn't become more ill.

Original poster
MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 19:47

Just trying to imagine it the other way round.

DP is ill so he calls his ex and asks her to have DSD, she says she can't but her DP will do it instead.

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 19:49

It's supposed to be 50:50 shared care between DP and his ex BTW.

It just never is 50:50 because things like this happen all the time.

OP posts:
OraProNobis · 06/10/2014 19:49

I know I'm cracking on a bit and I know that sometimes I put the milk in the cupboard and the cup in the fridge but I've read the OP twice now and both times not only can I not understand it but it's also given me a fringe headache.

Anyone able to decipher it for me?

NickiFury · 06/10/2014 19:54

Maybe she asked DSD and DSD said she'd like to go to yours to spend time with you and her sibling.

Original poster
MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 19:59

DSD had no clue wtf was going on when I arrived to pick her up. She was shocked to see me.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 06/10/2014 20:01

Well, imo, the obvious person to ring in an emergency is the father of the children. You say DSD lives you with most of the time anyway so maybe mum thought she'd want to be at "home" rather than with her grandparents or with her sick mother?

PinkSquash · 06/10/2014 20:06

How old is DSD? Her parents need to sit down together and work out a decent arrangement, passing the poor kid from pillar to post without her knowledge is unsettling.

I can understand why her mum would ask your partner to help, but for him to pass it over to you is a problem- he needs to look after her, but as a step parent, you are called upon to do some parenting too. It's a tough one.

gordyslovesheep · 06/10/2014 20:09

I had some sympathy until this More puzzled that when I'm ill, I don't need to get rid of my child. I suck it up and get on with it

sorry but I am a lone parent and I have been quite ill lately and I have expected my childrens father to pick up some of the slack - maybe that makes you superior or maybe I am ILL and they are better off with him - which is just parenting

Branleuse · 06/10/2014 20:12

im sorry i dont see the problem, stepfamilies often work like this at times

TheStarsLookDown · 06/10/2014 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/10/2014 20:34

Poor child. I bet all this no one wanting to look after her makes her feel really good.

Original poster
MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 20:46

sorry but I am a lone parent

She's not a lone parent.

OP posts:
McBear · 06/10/2014 20:54

What? Isn't this your DPs daughter??

fedupbutfine · 06/10/2014 21:02

I ask my ex to have our children if for some reason I am unable. He is their father, it's surely his responsibility? My mum will always help out but our children are not her responsibility. In this case, the ex phoned her co-parent, not the new partner. If you didn't want to help out, then you need to be discussing it with your partner, not getting pissed off at the ex for being human and feeling so ill and needing someone else to care for her child. If you don't want to do it, why should her parents or fiance feel any different?

Bakeoffcakes · 06/10/2014 21:03

It sounds like the mum didnt really want to have her ddSad most mums would have just got on with it.

In your situation is be really angry with the mum, but I'd feel incredibly sorry for the DSD. I'd of n dcollect her and try to make her feel wanted and loved.

Bakeoffcakes · 06/10/2014 21:04

Sorry for typos!

JubJubBirds · 06/10/2014 21:04

It depends how you look at it I suppose RE the whole 'lone parent' suggestion. She is a lone parent to your DSD in the same sense that your DP is a lone parent to her.

Unless you count her fiance as a co parent? In which case you must also be a co parent with your DP.

Which just leaves me still feeling confused over your issue because if you do feel that, that you/your DP/your DSS are a family unit then what is the problem with your DSD coming home to you when her mum was ill?

I get that you might have wanted an evening in with your baby but you do hear how uncaring you sound right?

MammaTJ · 06/10/2014 21:05

Parent is the default around here, so yes, your DP would have been the first person to be called.

chumrun · 06/10/2014 21:11

If you died, OP, and your DP married again, you'd want his new wife to look after YOUR baby if she was ill wouldn't you?

Original poster
MugginsHere · 06/10/2014 21:34

Unless you count her fiance as a co parent? In which case you must also be a co parent with your DP...then what is the problem with your DSD coming home to you when her mum was ill?

What's the problem with the fiancé picking up DSD from her gran's after work instead of me?

Whenever DP's been ill in the past, he's looked to me to pick up the slack. Which I'm happy to do. He'd never ship DSD back to her mum's.

I don't get why it's okay for her to do it when it's the other way around.

And since, by your rationale, we're all one big happy extended family; does that mean the next time I'm feeling ill, I can suggest to DP that DSD stays at her mum's and doesn't come to us until I feel better?

I'm probably more annoyed because it's just the latest bullshit in a long catalogue of bullshit reasons why she can't have DSD.

Us having DSD isn't the problem.

The problem is having to grit your teeth through weekend after weekend of lame 'dog ate my homework' excuses and not being able to say anything.

OP posts: