To not really understand what went on here?

[MugginsHere]

Last week, DSD was supposed to be at her mum's for two days/nights.

DP rang me during the day on the second of those days saying his ex had just called him; apparently wasn't well and was feeling like she couldn't cope with DSD that night so could we have her?

Now, DP was out at a long-standing important work thing that evening and couldn't get out of it. I was going to be home alone that night with our 8 month old.

DP's ex lives with her fiancé and also lives in the same street as her mum and dad.

If you were the ex, would you:

A. Ask your mum who lives three doors away if she could pick up DSD from school and come over to make her some dinner and put her to bed while you put your feet up.

B. Ask your fiancé to take the day off work/leave work early to come and help you out?

C. Get the step-mother (i.e., me) to come and collect DSD from her grandmother's and have her for the night despite already looking after a small baby on her own that night?

Guess which one ended up happening...

Am I missing something here? Why didn't DP just say no I'm busy at work and Muggins isn't able to?

Why does DP get to decide whether and when Muggins steps in?

I think DP is at fault here - not the ex who was after all only asking.

And Muggins, why didn't you refuse when you heard DSD was at the GMs? You say she obvioysly wasn't expecting you, so must have been expecting to stay at GMs.

I'd have words with DP, sounds like he volunteered you when it was completely unnecessary.

It sounds like dp is her custodial parent? She deserves to go home to her own bed if she can't be at her mums, not passed around like an unwanted parcel.

Try to avoid thinking in terms of most fair for the grownups and think in terms of most comforting for the child. In the end, that the parents get their exact allotment of time with, or without, the child is NOT the point. The point is that the child is getting what she needs from all the adults involved.

Sending her away from contagious ex is a good thing. Grandparents are an option, but they have no obligation in the way the father, and by extension, his household, do.

I wasn't arguing op, I actually agree with you just thought you saying your household would never ask mum to keep hold of her in the event of illness was a bit martyr like.

I'm also not really hearing anything (unless I've not noticed a point in a post) that indicates the mothers actually really feckless, so what if she asks to utilise another parent if she's ill or wants to go out on her birthday. Would anybody reasonable bat an eyelid if she hires a babysitter/nanny surely the child's other parent if possible is a better option, lots of people are of the mindset that you can still do child free stuff when you have kids, myself included.
its not as if her time with the child is really limited you have 50:50 so its not the same as a NRP with EOW.

Yes she should have checked her dd would be in the dads care and nobody was imposing on you and its crappy that she didnt.But more importantly dad should not have automatically said yes unless he was intending on providing the care.

Is it me?

Poor little girl...

Good grief, my only thought here is 'poor kid!' Glad you posted just before me, Nanny.

It's nobody's job to bitch & moan about the ex. She clearly is a less than brilliant mum. That leaves a little girl whose mum avoids seeing her at every possible excuse.

The only possible response is to step in heartily, and give DSD a proper home life, albeit not with the parent who keeps rejecting her. I know you're saying this is what you do, Muggins, but you're still acting like the child's an imposition. Her own mother treats her like an imposition. She needs you to be making up for that, not mirroring it!

Your DP was at fault .... the child's birth dad is the first person I would ask too if he lived relatively close by.He should have checked with you first before saying yes on your behalf, knowing he couldn't personally.

I have a blended family set up and when I am struggling to accommodate something for DD, I ask her father. His response might be that he cannot help, but his wife might be able too. She will then say yes or no depending on situation. This also works in reverse and if they are struggling, they might ask myself or my DP to help out. Sounds like your issue is your DP taking your involvement forgranted as the ex isn't really at fault. Oh, and when I had food poisoning last month, my MIL had my kids overnight for me as I was very ill...I don't consider that as dumping the children.

bafflement at the idea that, when your child's ill, you just ship them off somewhere until you feel better

If there's an option to, what exactly is wrong with that?

I sent both ds's to my mums for an entire weekend once. I had horrendous food poisoning and have never felt that ill since. I was sweating and shaking, being sick up to 20 times a day, completely exhausted and in awful pain with stomach cramps.

Where do you think it was best to keep a 2 and 4 year old? Stuck at home with me where they would (out of necessity, I just couldn't manage much) have been ignored for 2 days? Or at my mums where they went to the park and played games and ate their bodyweight in sweets ?

There's no medal for making unnecessary sacrifices. If you have decent options, why wouldnt you usethem. Are you trying to prove what an ace mother you are

This.

No one likes an unnecessary martyr.

There's obviously a lot more backstory and resentment here that we don't really know about.

How does your DP feel about her more flexible attitude towards access? If he's happy with it, I don't think you can complain, really.

I don't think there's anything wrong in not wanting to care for a child if you are very unwell, if there's another parent around to help. Same as you would if you were ill, I'm sure your DP would take care of your baby to allow you to rest. It's unfortunate that your DP was not available in this instance, but this is the child's home, and natural for this to be mum's first port of call.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with a flexible approach to access times. I split from my son's father, and while we had a 'normal' overall plan for who had him when, we frequently re-arranged things when one of us needed or wanted to.

But then perhaps you wouldn't think much of our parenting. We felt no guilt at having a night out or a weekend away instead of being with our son, as son was then with other parent, and it all worked out pretty evenly in the end. Neither of us planned our whole lives around our child. We didn't when we were together either. We obviously prioritised him a lot, but not all the time. It's a different approach to parenting to yours, but it doesn't make it wrong or neglectful. You don't understand it. But then I don't understand parents who put their own lives on hold when they have children and devote themselves to nothing but childrearing for years. That's not family life to me. Everyone is important, the children, yes, but not only the children.

Unfortunately I have learned that on threads about step-parenting you get crazy responses.

I think I see where you are coming from, and I would have been annoyed in your shoes. DSD is not your daughter, she has 2 parents plus grandparents close by, so why should they expect you to travel and collect her when you were looking forward to a night to yourself (sort of). I think maybe you could start saying "no" to your DP in situations like this. Your needs are important too.

It was the DP who volunteered Muggins, without consulting her, not the ex.

I don't see there's anything wrong with a parent asking the other parent to do what parents do!

I'm a stepchild who spent a lot of time with my stepmother while my dad wasn't around for work reasons.

My stepmum made it clear that I was always welcome in her house.

She had three small children from her marriage to my dad but she always had space in her heart and house for her stepchildren.

That feeling of being loved got me through the hardest bits of my childhood.

Just a thought.