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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should hold your child's hand.

128 replies

Pistone · 05/10/2014 18:50

When I'm out and about I constantly see mothers with very little children trailing behind. Mother often on mobile or chatting to friend walking beside her. The dangers to the child are horrendous, even crossing the road the child is free to do whatever. What is wrong with these women. Keep hold of your child FFS.

OP posts:

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 05/10/2014 21:49

I had 3 under 3 and so had to train ds1 to walk alongside the double pushchair holding on. (using a wriststrap at first so he was also attached to me)

He was super sensible and never once let go, not even when he dropped a favourite toy - he waited calmly for me to sort it out. Until the day he was frightened by a dog on the pavement and tried to dart out into the road. Thankfully as he was right next to me I was able to grab hold of him as he stepped off the pavement. I don't think you can ever be complacent about them being sensible at that age.

BertieBotts · 05/10/2014 21:49

I know, but it can happen right up until they are adults. And it's not like you're letting a four year old wander around the town completely unsupervised. If I saw my 4yo heading towards a road absent mindedly then I'd steer him away or say something, and it solved the problem. Not the same as an adult or older child/teenager who is walking along alone and totally in their own little world.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 05/10/2014 21:50

pistone I still put them on the inside of me on the pavement now, even though ds1 goes out and about on his own. Dh surreptitiously does it with me too

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2014 21:57

I see loads of kids aged from about 3yrs+ tearing along the pavement ahead of their parents, on the school run.

The parent will shout "Don't forget to stop at the road".

But what about all the cars backing out of driveways? I've seen some very near misses, especially when the kids are on scooters.

And it doesn't necessarily mean the driver is at fault. Some kids are tiny and totally unaware of reversing lights etc.

SlicedAndDiced · 05/10/2014 21:58

The parents who make me feel sick could never, in a million years, reach their child in time to stop a fatality.

They are either too far away or too busy gluing their face into a phone

juliascurr · 05/10/2014 22:00

at some point (2? 5? 17?) you judge they are trained enough to walk independently
but you do have to make that judgment

gamescompendium · 05/10/2014 22:16

Two separate people I was at secondary school ran out behind the school bus and were hit by a car coming the other way at 60. One was 16, the other 18. No age is entirely safe and when to give kids more freedom is a judgement call.

Bemused33 · 05/10/2014 22:23

I don't hold my sons hand (3) as he point blank refuses. He also hangs off reins! I watch him like a hawk and he is never more than a grab away! It is not ideal but I could not deal with the wait outside school for his older brother while he hung off the reins screaming like a banshee. When we cross the road I hook my finger in his collar and have a clear instruction about when we cross. We recently did London and he tolerated reins for that but for the short school walk it really was a comstant battle and I have found a solution that seems to be working. Sorry to those it may scare. I would never leave him trailing behind me and I certainly would never be on my phone.

Original poster

Pistone · 05/10/2014 22:24

(2? 5? 17?) you judge they are trained to walk independently........ But never in any circumstances 2 surely. No 2 year old would have the sense.

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 05/10/2014 22:30

Living in a town would probably make learning to cross the road easier, since you might have zebra crossings or lights. But if you live in a rural area you're very much on your own. There is quite a busy road through our village, and the crossing area where about 99% of the children walking to school have to cross has traffic coming from five directions (four roads and a busy car park). It's a hair raising experience.

Having said all that, in addition to parents being more vigilant, I'd also love to see speed limits being properly enforced. People fly through our village and in all the years I've lived here I've never known anyone to actually get penalty points or fined for it.

FreudiansSlipper · 05/10/2014 22:36

i am the only parent that has had a young child storm off

of course at times I have been walking along and his has not got hold of my hand, and from 5ish have let him run ahead with roads with no drives

also have not always held ds hand when in a pedestrian shopping area (when it is not too busy)

again have learnt that I am not as good at parenting as so many of here seem to be

Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2014 22:43

Yanbu at all, you cannot trust a young child to be safe, however much you taught them to be. A year ago there was a 2 year old girl,who drowned in tge pool in the villa the parents were staying at. Tge parents said that their child was aware of water safety, at 2, noway!

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2014 22:56

I don't get people who say "My toddler refuses to hold my hand"

Just who exactly is in charge?

So they throw a tantrum, it's not pleasant but it's what toddlers are famous for.

If you're constant, they eventually learn tantrums get them absolutely nowhere because you won't give in.

Jollyphonics · 05/10/2014 23:05

You all seem to have incredible obedient children! DS2 is 5.5, and has always wanted to run on ahead, as soon as he learned to walk. Obviously when he was a toddler and a pre schooler I made him hold my hand, and if he refused I simply bundled him into the buggy or carried him. But he's heavy now, there's no way I could do that. He won't hold my hand when we're walking, and if I try he simply sits on the ground and refuses to move. Yes sure I could dish out threats, bribes, punishments - but this isn't a fight I can have every single day on the school run when time is of the essence. So he has his scooter, and scooters on ahead, stopping at various points along the way, but rarely leaving my sight. It's far from desirable, but I can't do it any other way.

And before you all jump to attribute it to poor parenting, DS1 is 9, very sensible, walks next time me and would hold my hand if I asked him to.

FreudiansSlipper · 05/10/2014 23:11

Jollyphonics it is not that there are so many obedient children about it is that MN is full of perfect parents

mrscog · 05/10/2014 23:13

Worra my DS is a hand holding and rein refuser (he's 2.5). I am in charge but DS would rather dislocate his wrist than hold my hand - I try holding it firmly and sometimes I feel the joint come apart. If he has a backpack on he just lies on the floor. We are rural on a slow estate so he either walks alongside me where I can always grab him or on busier roads I carry him (occasionally he will hold hands). It's a nightmare though as I'm 12 weeks pg now and I can't keep carrying him!

Jollyphonics · 05/10/2014 23:15

Oh yes I know that feeling. When I've tried to grip DS2's wrist or arm I am aware that I could really hurt him, and it's scary.

newrecruit · 05/10/2014 23:19

I think YAB a little unreasonable.

DS1 was also a hand refuser. But I taught him road safety from a very early age. You can't protect them from everything forever.

I actually find him more of a worry now he is 8. Last week a car stopped to let us cross but he didn't stop to check there was nothing coming the other way (there was).

I was paying attention so shouted at him and he didn't cross but it frightened me. They are more complacent when they get older, even though technically they have more road sense.

Having said that, I have a friend who drives her 8 year old everywhere as she worries about him walking. Bonkers!

Original poster

Pistone · 05/10/2014 23:19

Who's on about perfect parents. All I'm on about is the thick ones who chat on their mobiles and their friends oblivious to what their little kids are doing. I've seen 2 and 3 year olds trailing way behind, far too far away to be able to grab them out of danger. You don't have to be mother or father of the year to have the basic concept to protect your child from the road.

OP posts:

TeamScotland · 05/10/2014 23:20

My five year old crossed the road, from between parked cars, without looking on a blind bend, during rush hour. She was chasing her big sis who was huffing with me and had stormed off. My heart stopped, waiting for the screech of brakes and a thump. Luckily they both made it across the road safely. They'd never ever attempted to cross without me before.

I sent them upstairs straight away when we got into our house as I couldn't trust myself not to lose my shit with them. I had a road safety chat with them when I recovered enough to talk to them. I had every single adult they know have a chat with them about it too in the days and weeks following.

I witnessed a school friend being knocked over and badly hurt when I was a kid. He had severe head injuries and was off school for a long time. He came back to school eventually but wasn't the same.

m0therofdragons · 05/10/2014 23:21

3 dc and only two hands. I always made my eldest hold something like my cardigan when she was 4 but at 6 she just walks near me. Dtds are now 3 and are allowed to walk from front door to car alone but we are on a cul de sac. Always hold hands or in grabbing distance along busy roads. And as for hand refuser - well yes I had one and she was on reins but with reins I always held hands so we'd just wait until tantrum was over and she held my hand. She soon learned that I was more stubborn than her.

mrscog · 05/10/2014 23:22

Yy op - I would never let dS run ahead or be on the phone if we were walking in the street.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 05/10/2014 23:23

I only stopped going to hold my 'little' brother's hand when he was approaching 30. It was just instinctive to watch out for him!

The other day I stopped a 2 year old from walking into the road. The mother was chatting too far back to hear me calling to her. She finally caught me up and said he was going into the road to move out of my way. Made me feel guilty for sending him back to the pavement and telling him to wait for Mummy.

Goldmandra · 05/10/2014 23:26

The other day I was trying to drive out of the school car park. Parents walking past through the middle of the car park with toddlers running free around them.

I was constantly scanning all three mirrors and all the windows trying to work out where they all were as I inched very slowly out of the space.

One really intelligent woman eventually notices that her children weren't walking next to her and starts calling them over to her and mouthing off very loudly that they needed to get out of the way because I wasn't looking. I had moved approx 6 inches at that point.

It doesn't take many brain cells working together to get the idea that you need to keep your toddlers close to you as you cross a busy car park. It's a good job that I was looking carefully and creeping very slowly because if I hadn't been they probably would have been squished.

Why wouldn't you have toddlers holding your hand in a busy car park FFS?

TinyTearsFirstLove · 05/10/2014 23:26

Apparently her child is very 'independent' which feels like a dig as I watch my child like a hawk near the road.

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