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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming with SIL?

277 replies

CheerfulYank · 04/10/2014 20:24

Last year we (DH's extended family) tried to get together and have a family picture taken. We could never work it out due to scheduling, so this year we started working on it in August.

A photographer in our town runs a special through today, a really good deal where she takes group photos in a local park, which is nice because the trees are all in full autumn colors.

We (DH's sister) and I find a date that works for everyone. SIL#2 (married to DH's brother) was a bit cat's bum mouth at it being outside but agreed. SIL1 and I said thataybe everyone should wear brown, white, and blue in any shade or pattern as it would coordinate, plus everyone has jeans, khakis l, etc. Everyone agrees.

There is MIL and FIL, DH and me and 2 DCs, SIL1 and husband, SIL2 and her husband (DH's brother), and their 2 DCs, and SIL3 (DH's other sister) her husband, and DD.

So we get this all arranged, send out emails with dates and times, etc. It's all settled.

On Thursday we get a snippy email from SIL2. "What day is pictures? Where are we meeting? What are we wearing again?" despite this being communicated several times. SIL1 replied with directions and a map and again said brown, blue, and white.

So this morning dawns bright and early. We get ready and go to the park, where evertone except SIL2 and BIL are wearing various casual clothing in (you guessed it, brown, blue, and white.)

BIL is wearing a black shirt. SIL2 is wearing a black long sleeved T-shirt with Harley Davidson in red letters. The two DC (9 and 7) are wearing teal and black Under Armour hooded sweatshirts.

I've seen an advanced proof of the pic and it looks ridiculous. It looks like they just wandered in to some random family's photo.

Also we broker into separate family units for pictures and they refused saying "oh we got one for the church directory, it's good enough."

I think it's completely passive aggressive of them and if they didn't want to be in it, they should have just said so.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Staywithme · 04/10/2014 20:45

I second getting the clothes photoshopped. It would be worth it just to see her face. Grin

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 04/10/2014 20:45

Yes Zippy we're all American as. :) Sorry!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2014 20:46

I would absolutely hate this but I would have said so and just not done it if I couldn't do it nicely. YANBU (well a little but they were more).

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/10/2014 20:46

Yes YABU to be fuming with her.
I can see that you had a vision of how you wanted it to look, and you chose the photographer and the venue and the dress code to fit that vision.
But it isn't reasonable, not really, to insist on other people wearing what you have decided, and I think your behaviour has been controlling. Maybe she didn't feel comfortable in the chosen colours, or didn't have anything suitably flattering, or just wanted to dig her heels in after being told what to do. Now that she has defied you you've got the arse.

Also, i would run screaming from anyone who suggested a family portrait of this kind.

RandomMess · 04/10/2014 20:46

Ask for it in black & white, hopefully it will rescue the situation. Bit Sad that your SIL wouldn't go along with it for MILs sake.

CombineBananaFister · 04/10/2014 20:48

Sounds like you have very different personalities and styles? Would you have been ok if they were organizing the photo and requested you all wore black and harley Davidson tees? Think specifying clothes to another adult is bit too much am afraid. Unless it's an elderly MIl/fil family preference, suck it up kinda thing?

Still guess they they could have been a it more adult and spoke to you about it unless they feel they couldn't approach you. Surely a family potrai t is about everyone looking like they do normally and embracing who they are not some matchy -matchy thing?
yabu a bit U

Stripylikeatiger · 04/10/2014 20:48

The most important thing is that the people in the photo look relaxed and happy, matching clothing is very odd especially brown white and blue in a park with autumn leaves, I could almost understand your idea behind brown and white but blue?

Topaz25 · 04/10/2014 20:49

I think the whole family photo thing in co-ordinating clothing sounds staged, awkward and awful. I know it was hard work to arrange it but did it ever occur to you that's because people didn't want to do it? Telling people what to wear is too much. You're really complaining about their kids wearing teal rather than blue? Teal is a shade of blue!

Sandiacre · 04/10/2014 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redexpat · 04/10/2014 20:50

I rather like the twee family photos. I'd booked a photographer to come to DHs grandfather's 90th birthday. EVERYONE, all 70 of them were coming. And then GF died a week before.

I hate crap photos. If you're going to do a job, do it properly, or pay someone else.

If you guys want to see control freak then watch the Episode of Modern Family when Claire organises a photographer and insists everyone wears white.

NickiFury · 04/10/2014 20:51

I don't think asking for similar colours to be be worn in a group family photo like that is too big an ask and I think the result would be nice. I might huff and puff a little about being asked to do it myself but would still do it and be happy when I saw the resulting photo as long as it was a flattering one of ME

magicalmrmistofelees · 04/10/2014 20:51

Stripy I'm guessing they mean blue jeans type blue, as OP said 'everyone has jeans'. To match the sky, maybe? YANBU OP, she shouldn't have agreed to it if she had no intention of going along with the plans. Seems very PA to me.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/10/2014 20:53

Oh Cheerful I really like you, and I want to be all "grrrrrrrr"y with you, but I absoloutley hate getting my ohoto taken and would be all ragey if I was being co-erced into this.

Tbh though its a lot less rude to decline than it is to accept and theb sabbotage it - which is what it seems like they did.

WD41 · 04/10/2014 20:53

I'm so glad I'm not in a family where you have to attend photoshoots and be dictated to over clothing. Ugh

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 04/10/2014 20:54

If she'd arranged it and asked for Harley photos I've had gotten my ass out and bought a Harley T-shirt and some biker boots! :o

I wasn't the only one who arranged it and came up with the colors, SIL1 and 3 were involved as well. I just did the scheduling as I live in the same town as MIL and FIL and the photographer.

As previously stated, she arranged a photo for the GC last year and chose the colors. We went along.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 04/10/2014 20:55

Yes magical, we meant jeans so that they can wear blue!

The DD was wearing teal, which was fine. The DS's sweatshirt was black.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 04/10/2014 20:56

I meant blue, so they could wear jeans. Confused

I'm also in my first trimester with DC3 and feel terrible and ready to kill everyone, so that's possibly my problem too. :o

OP posts:
Figster · 04/10/2014 20:57

Sorry yabu You sound bloody controlling Op

Cocolepew · 04/10/2014 20:58

YANBU.

TheCraicDealer · 04/10/2014 20:58

I'd be pretty pissed off too, to be fair. You and your other sister in law basically arranged the whole thing; all she had to do was be there and wear something from the reasonable colour pallete you'd suggested. I'd be like, "you had one job!".

If she didn't want to do that, then she should have said, in a timely manner, "this is wank, can't we pick our own clothes?". But no, she and BIL decided they were going to be passive aggressive and arrive with their part of the family dressed as the black sheep. You see the same shit with people who are asked to stick to a dress code for weddings, and there are always posters who propose showing up in non-conforming outfits. Why? If you don't want to just don't go rather than sticking two fingers up at the hosts.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 04/10/2014 20:58

I've seen the photo. They do look a little out of place. But having looked at the other proofs with matching coloured tops for other families, I'd say you're not remotely controlling! Your clothing looked more natural iyswim? Shame sil didn't take on board what you suggested. Does she have form for this? Is that why you're fuming? A back story?

Cocolepew · 04/10/2014 20:58

Ohh congratulations!

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 04/10/2014 21:02

pregnant again? That's so fab! After how long DH made you wait to try for DC2 how on Earth did you get him to agree so quick to number 3? Although tbf DC2 is just lush. Who could resist wanting another. So happy for you!

ashtrayheart · 04/10/2014 21:02

Sounds like one of those 'awkward family photos' Grin

PomeralLights · 04/10/2014 21:03

I don't understand why YOU are upset with your SIL OP. I can understand your DH / SIL 1 / MIL being upset with DH's bro - for not telling them his family had a problem with the arrangement; for not coordinating his family and leaving it to his wife to sort clothes, upsetting HIS DM; for any number of reasons. But if the attitude of the extended family is that he's a bit wet and can't be relied on to organise his family so you have to communicate with SIL you've got to expect she'll prioritise getting it right as much as him, I.e., not at all. And however long you've been married, you don't get much say over that dynamic really so its best to let it go and just support your DH if he's upset about it.
For all you know this could have been the latest instalment in SIL's revolt of 'I'm not organising / thinking about stuff to do with YOUR bloody family anymore if you want to make your mum happy YOU do the work!' Clearly you all seem to think she has more of a responsibility to you than her DH does - it's apparently her that ruined the pic - which is totally unfair.
But YANBU to be annoyed with BIL. Totally thoughtless to ruin the pic like that.