My MIL defied us re: allowing my dd to handfeed her 3 dogs

[NonGrockle29]

as the title says, despite being constantly told not to she took DD from DP last night and put her on the kitchen floor and she allowed DD to feed one dog before partner finally got the courage to go and get DD.

MIL lost her rag and threw a chopping board in the sink and shuoted that 'she has to bloody get used to them' as she stormed out. not wanting a fight i stepped outside the back door. DP stormed past me saying thanks a lot for putting me in the shit.

All of them are making me feel IABU for putting my daughters safety first. I dont think I am. My DP wanted to take DD over there today so he could apologise for picking her off the floor but i refused. I just feel really hurt that he will not back me up, he knows it is a major thing for me!

I thought how disrespectful to my DP and I that she would flout our rules She stood in front of me last week begging to have our DD alone saying that she would not give her anything or do anything we did not want... Now there is no way I can allow this!

was i being unreasonable in sticking to my guns?

(the dogs constantly jump up, lick faces, beg for food and scrap each other. but it is more about the fact my DP didnt back me up )

YANBU personally we've never fed dogs by hand, children especially risk accidentally teasing if they go to give the treat, dog goes for it, child panics draws hand back, does it again with treat, dog really goes for it and snaps.....this is exactly what happened and we got our last rescue dog as a result (oh and they then decided to starve him afterwards so we also got a sack of bones with major food issues .....). Anyway this was not a nasty dog, actually very sweet and wimpy but unpredictable in wrong situation. Stick to your guns with your MIL it's not hurting the dogs for them not to be fed by your DD but there is a good chance they could hurt your DD. It also likely wouldn't be totally the dogs fault if they did, but they would likely be the ones punished or rehomed when responsible management could keep everyone safe.

I was on a walk today when a snarling jack russell burst through a hedge from its home and went for me. Didn't quite bite.

but I'm big enough to stamp on the thing and break its neck if needed. Small children aren't.

kids get killed by dogs quite often. Perhaps this may make the OP's husband realise he has to stand up to mummy and not leave the kid with her.

sorry if it offends anyone's sensibilities. Hearing that a baby is at such AVOIDABLE risk offends mine.

You don't like dogs, do you special?

Thing is, op has no issues with the dogs per se, just isn't happy with her 1 year old baby "hand feeding" with the help of the MIL.

I'm a MIL...we have a GSDXcollie and a grumpy elderly cat who stays out the way
When DGC come to visit we either hold onto his collar or put him another room until both DC and he are settled...then he is allowed in, we keep a close eye on him and remove him if he gets over excited. He knows unless food is in his bowl it is off limits but even so we keep an eye in case temptation gets too much for him...I certainly wouldn't want DGC feeding him titbits!
The DGC are that.. GC.. not our children... and our son and his partners wishes regarding their DC are respected.

YANBU

News stories of babies and children being tragically mauled by family pets are an every day happening.

So many things about the situation your MIL placed your baby in ring alarm bells for me. She has a pack of three dogs, she placed your baby on the floor to feed them.

More frightening than this though, is that she defied your stated rules, that she was angry when challenged, that her comments show that she has no understanding or empathy with your concerns, and that she will certainly do this again as she has a point to prove.

Your DP is obviously afraid of his bully of a mother. You need to stay in control of the situation in order to keep your child safe, and the best way to do that is to keep your baby away from MIL and her dogs.

Don't visit her house, don't allow the dogs into your own house. Most of all, hope and encourage your DP to stand up to his bully of a mother.

.

Just this evening it has been reported that a 6 month old baby was killed by a dog, whilst in the care of a relative. YADNBU and you should tell your DP and MIL about this item of news.
Apologies if you already know this, I haven't got to the end of the thread yet.

For heaven's sake don't doubt yourself. You are in the right here.

Your MIL is a stupid, selfish, irresponsible idiot who is willing to endanger your baby's life in order to attempt to prove some petty point about her and her dogs being in charge.

Your DP is a self-absorbed twat who thinks that his birthday fun is more important than protecting his baby.

You have to take charge here. We all know the possible consequences.

Babies don't understand how to behave around dogs. Dogs - particularly the poorly-trained dogs of inept and irresponsible owners- don't understand how to behave around babies. It's up to the adults in charge to control the situation and eliminate risk. Unfortunately, the adults here include an irresponsible petulant tantrumming fool, 2 enablers, and someone who is too frightened of confrontation to remove her child from this situation.

YADNBU

I am scared of most dogs. I didn't leave our son with someone who said their dogs could be totally trusted. It isn't fair on the dog to trust it. Why is your partner scared of his Mum?

I have seen a child whose face had been mauled at a family bbq by their neighbour's friendly dog.

The breed of dog and age of child are irrelevant. Your partner sounds as bad as his mother by not standing up to her. Except that he didn't lie to your face.

No YANBU!!! She is your dd, you set the rules. Your MIL was disrespectful of your wishes, and I would say that however old your dd was.

My 3 and 5 year olds have hand fed a friends dog but a) I agreed to it b) they wanted to c) I know the dog d) they understand that a dog is an animal with teeth that can bite and they know how to feed the dog safely.

I'd be cross if my dp didn't back me on something like this. Your dp's in a difficult situation but you need to be united on your position re the dogs and make sure MIL knows you stand together.

Remember that, while you dislike confrontation, this is your child's safety that is the issue here. Unfortunately your mil cannot be trusted with keeping her safe, from my reading of what you have posted. It sounds like she has always gotten her family to give in by sulking and stropping. Don't make her your problem.
If she wants to see your child, she can visit your house. Her behaviour may well drive a wedge between you and your partner. He is responding to her behaviour, probably as he did as a child, and as he saw his father do, keeping the peace, at all costs. It's very unhealthy, and not something that will change overnight.
You have to put your child's safety first. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about doing that.

Your dh is being ridiculous. You didn't make things hard for him. He agreed with you beforehand that your dd shouldn't hand feed, so how is that suddenly just down to you? He shouldn't have let your MIL take her in the first place. He needs to realise that the ONLY person who made things hard for him is his mother.

If he insists on going round to apologise, make sure he has a newspaper with the report about the baby killed by dogs and that he makes her read it.

Putting a baby on the floor with food in her hand, in the middle of 3 dogs is just stupid however you look at it.

I think I'd add 'fucking' just before the stupid.

Dogs are animals, they may become part of our families but to them we are their pack.

They need to know they come last after any humans, and sticking a small child on the floor with food is teaching the dogs they can take dd's food and they are more important than her - not what is good for any dog or the family.

Your MIL is a twunt, so is your dh.

It's not just the latest dog attack - it happens a lot.

granny's dog kills child www.ibtimes.com/step-grandmothers-dog-kills-7-month-old-boy-dayton-ohio-1634030

granny's dog kills child www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Toddler-Fatally-Mauled-by-Dogs-in-Colton-224972902.html

granny's dogs kills child www.katv.com/story/23793692/five-year-old-attacked-by-four-dogs

2 more children killed by pet dogs news.sky.com/story/1260421/dog-attacks-owners-face-longer-sentences

another baby killed by granny's dogs www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/4550500/Baby-mauled-to-death-in-dog-attack-is-named.html

Seriously - people seem to have got the message that you don't smoke around children, when are they going to get the message that dogs can and do kill.

I wouldn't let a small child who was sitting down hand feed a dog.

If the child had been to puppy classes with the dog and knew how to assert herself so that the dog knew who was boss, then yes. But not at 1.

I think that your MIL is disrespectful and quite foolish. I also think she should keep her temper in front of her granddaughter... and her dogs.

This is how these drama queens control the people around them; threatening to fly off the handle at the least thing, so everyone obeys them exactly in fear of an explosion.

This ^

Being allowed to take your DD to feed the dogs isn't her priority here. What she really wants is to establish her right to do as she sees fit with her grandchild without ever having to defer to you or your DH. She is prepared to openly challenge you and overreact massively every time she is asked not to do something in order to scare you into submission like the rest of her family.

You just need to calmly stick to your guns, communicate clearly what the consequences will be when she ignores your wishes, impose those consequences firmly and consistently when justified and be completely unmoved by her tantrums, .e. treat her like a toddler.

Like all bullies, she will realise when she has come up against someone she cannot push around and she will eventually stop trying.

My DM responded in a very similar way when asked not to introduce new foods to my DD's diet without telling me. It brought a long term situation to a head. We had the power struggles, I withdrew every time and she eventually realised that if she wanted to see us she had to be reasonable. Things improved dramatically after that.

out drama the drama-llama!

you go round there and tell her in low ice cold furious tones that if she goes against the wishes of you/your dp again she'll have NO contact whatsoever with your child, and there will be nothing she can do about it.

you relcutantly agreed to her fucking dogs licking your baby's feet, but she allowed faces. un-fucking-believable.

feeding custard to a baby only weeks old? again. out of fucking order.

you've been clear about hand feeding, and she's threatening to put your baby at risk for her own perverse power trip. well fuck that.

she doesn't set the rules with your child, or with you, and not with dp either.

if she can't behave like a proper gp, then she isn't going to be allowed to be one.

and there is nothing she can do about it.

translate that to direct speech and go to war on her. she won't respect anything less.

this isn't about the dogs btw, this is about boundaries and her need for power trips.

shut her down.

Am a dog owner with a 13 week old DD and 13 year old collie. I would never allow her to feed the dog by hand until she is much much older. And we have special training ie- the pooch must obey a command and then sit and wait before a treat.

Dog does lick DDs toes though but is never left with DD without supervision.

I'm sorry but your MIL is bonkers. It is not safe to leave your DC with her. Your DH needs to remember who he married (a good line my dad told my DH when we had problems with his mum and DH was torn between obeying her and doing what we had agreed together).

Yanbu. Having the dogs around so she can get used to them - fine. Hand feeding them - no, she is not old enough to know how to be safe around dogs.

I had not heard the news that another baby has been killed by a family dog. so so sad. when will people learn?? this type of incident should never happen.

OP, YANBU at all.
That dog could have gone for your child there and then and she could have been hurt even with adults around her. if your MIL is the type who go "my dogs would never hurt anybody" then that is proof enough that you simply cannot trust her to obey your rules. she puts her own love of the dogs above your DDs safety, that's the simple truth. I for one would not be letting her have sole charge of DD in the same house as the dogs, ever. I also agree that DP is sulking/cross because he has to tackle his difficult stroppy controlling mother, not because he wants DD to get to know the dogs.

Your dp is defo the problem.
He is too weak to stand up to mummy , so it's easier to put all the blame on you.
How would your dp feel if anything happened to your dd?
Let your dh sort out HIS mother .

My Mum's trained dog is not allowed to take food from the children, only from the "pack leaders"/my parents. Even the best trained, docile dogs can be funny around food and it just doesn't make sense to risk it. The MIL seems to have strange ideas of what exactly needs to be gotten used to. Quite aside of the disrespect for your wishes.

Your Mil sounds unhinged. How many times do we read about babies being mauled by dogs (often in the care of grandmothers.) What I don't understand is why it was so important to her to let your dd feed the dogs, seems like it was more a case of getting her own way and asserting her authority. Dogs can be unpredictable around small children, but dogs with food and children can be lethal. Absolutely no reason to take the risk.

Your big problem here isn't the dogs or your mil. They are easily fixed by never allowing your dd alone in her company.

Your main problem is your dh.

Your MIL is a bully. Throwing a chopping board because she was challenged about her idiotic behaviour that placed her grandchild at risk?!
Your DP is a pain in the arse over this issue.
Someone upthread (Hissy) recommended dealing with this with a similarly dramatic style. I would second that tbh.
You cannot afford to compromise and they're all used to this aggressive style. You might find it liberating in this situation.