My MIL defied us re: allowing my dd to handfeed her 3 dogs

[NonGrockle29]

as the title says, despite being constantly told not to she took DD from DP last night and put her on the kitchen floor and she allowed DD to feed one dog before partner finally got the courage to go and get DD.

MIL lost her rag and threw a chopping board in the sink and shuoted that 'she has to bloody get used to them' as she stormed out. not wanting a fight i stepped outside the back door. DP stormed past me saying thanks a lot for putting me in the shit.

All of them are making me feel IABU for putting my daughters safety first. I dont think I am. My DP wanted to take DD over there today so he could apologise for picking her off the floor but i refused. I just feel really hurt that he will not back me up, he knows it is a major thing for me!

I thought how disrespectful to my DP and I that she would flout our rules She stood in front of me last week begging to have our DD alone saying that she would not give her anything or do anything we did not want... Now there is no way I can allow this!

was i being unreasonable in sticking to my guns?

(the dogs constantly jump up, lick faces, beg for food and scrap each other. but it is more about the fact my DP didnt back me up )

OP
You are trying to please MIL and DP, whilst setting the rules for your DC.
You will never please all the people all the of time. (That's a famous quote from someone but I have no idea who!)

I know this must be very difficult but:
Trust to your instincts
Remember that you are in charge of your DC (with DP)

Your rules for your DC should be adhered to. (And I say this as someone who for YEARS, accommodated SIL's rules when we stayed with her, which I totally disagreed with... , ie me: "The DCs are hungry - can I get some lunch for the? " her: "oh I thought we'd have lunch at around 2pm" me: "The DCs have been up since 6.30, they can't wait til 2pm. Can I make some pasta for them?" Her: "oh you surely can't mean to give them fish fingers and pasta?" me: "yes".

Anyway, I digress. Take courage. It's your DC, therefore no-one can tell you that you are wrong!

OP do check with your DP how comfortable he us about you stepping in. Otherwise YOU will be the one who creates the issue (you might end up with them both blaming you for the situation) and it will be even more important for you to be sure your DP backs you up.

special
How is that helpful? Really?

You need to man up (a bit) and your dp needs to grow a pair. I do not let my 6 year old feed our dogs, and they don't get tit bits. Your mil is bang out of order and if I were you I would be making it utterly clear that all trust has gone and you will not be leaving your dd alone in her care.

A 6 month old baby has died today after being attacked by a dog.

Your MIL is a childish bully. Your DP is a wimp. You are being sensible and realistic.

As the owner of two dogs (a labrador and a cocker spaniel), you MIL is being very irresponsible.

I would not allow a child of that age to hand feed either of my dogs. Not because I have any reason to doubt them around children of any age - both have always been fine with them. Both dogs, and my labrador in particular, can be very excitable and enthusiastic when food is on offer. I would worry about the possibility of an inadvertent nip to small fingers, plus the possibility of a small child getting knocked over.

One golden rule that ALL dog owners should remember, especially around small children: ANY ANIMAL WHICH HAS TEETH IS CAPABLE OF USING THEM. Could you trust your MIL to ALWAYS supervise your children around her dogs? It sounds doubtful to me, so yes, I would have been very annoyed too.

www.westerndailypress.co.uk/month-old-baby-girl-died-attacked-dog-home/story-23044101-detail/story.html

Yet another baby killed by a dog. Someone needs to put the child's safety above the hurt feelings of the dog owner, and unfortunately your partner lacks the courage to do so.
It needs to be you, and you need to decide if you want to be made to feel that you are being ridiculous by your MIL and your partner. Not putting his childfirst in that situation would be a complete deal breaker for me.

'special
How is that helpful? Really?'

Because the OP needs to feel completely vindicated and supported in her actions, and some fool of an owner endangered her baby.
Yet the OP is asking AIBU and the MIL wants to have the DD alone?
YANBU OP, and your partner is a fool who blames you for getting him in trouble with his mum. Arse.

'I feel so sorry for him I trully do'

Don't. he feels sorry enough for himself.

Your MIL is definitely in the wrong-both with the dog issue and her tendency to lose her temper.
However there is something in your use of language "defied us" etc that isn't very nice and makes it sound as if you are talking about a naughty child.

You need to talk to her in an adult to adult manner. If she can't do that without loosing her temper then unsupervised contact with her grandchild looks off the cards. Just make sure you aren't getting her back up with talk of "breaking our rules"-it just sets the scene for a power struggle

Just state your boundaries, calmly and respectfully, in front of all the adults involved.

"I don't want DD feeding the dogs by hand. If you ever let her do it again, I won't allow her to be in your house unless I am there to ensure her safety. Are you ok with this?"

If your MIL starts chucking stuff about it muttering, tell her what a shame it is that she cant rsiect yoyr request and if she wants to see her gd, it will be at your house.

Don't leave in the middle of arguments and don't leave it to your DH. He has too much history and he is reacting as a child not an adult.

You need to be the grown up in this situation, as they are all currently incapable of doh g so themselves and your dd's welfare is so much more important than egos and historical dysfunction.

I trust you get the jist despite my typos...

We have 5 dogs, all friendly and 19 month old dd is perfectly used to them however we dont let them hand feed them, nothing to do with germs but I don't want the dogs thinking they are allowed to take food out of her hand.

She regularly wanders around with food in her hand and they would assume they could steal off her.

Your mil was out of order and childish to throw a hissy fit, although maybe where that is where your dh gets his tantrums from.

Yanbu

She is much too young to be hand feeding dogs or indeed any animal.

I was expecting you to say she was about 5 or so, in which case I would think your MIL might have a point.

I have dogs, grew up around them. Dogs can get over excited around food.

The thought of tiny baby fingers near a dogs mouth. They're treat size. No, just no.

special

A very tragic accident.

Such accidents make the news precisely because it is not the norm.

Not really a helpful contribution to the thread.

I am dog owner too and think this sort of behavior is so irresponsible.

if you see any dog threads where a dog has attacked someone they will say - oh did you stare at it, get at its face level and so on, try and take its food....

all these things a child will un wittingly do - a dog - friendly turned on mine in a second when it thought mine was going for its ball.

dogs are un predictable and a one year old baby has no need to get used to them at all.

your partners reaction about putting him in the shit says it all really. worried about upsetting mum still rather than the prospect of his childs face torn off.

Not the first or the second one this year though and those are just the ones resulting in death. Small children and dogs should be closely supervised and the child's safety should be the top priority.
It is necessary to remind dog owners of that, as many feel that a cautious parent is being a wimp or fussy or generally not fair to the dog.

special an A AND E nurse was on a dog thread once and said the amount of times a family friendly dog had attacked a family member was unbelievable she would be rich for the amount of people she had seen hurt from family - friendly dogs.

Down

100% agree with your post.

Your mil sounds like a controlling bitch and your partner sounds like a tool for turning it round onto you. Stuck to your guns OP you are doing the right thing- don't give in to your mil tantrums

Trust your instincts op, your dh priorities are somewhere else, not with your dd well being if safety.

I certainly would not be asking the MIL if she was okay with what I wanted for my own child!

I that yanbu.
Your MIL is a selfish and controlling.
You said no- simple

Your DP sounds an absolute wimp, why can't he stand up to his own mother, why is he more concerned about pleasing her than taking responsibility for his wife and child ............ never mind the dogs or the MIL, I would find it hard to respect a man who put his mother first. .

When asked not to give our six week old a spoon of custard (by DP) she went ape shit and refused to speak to us for weeks because we obivously wanted her out of our babies life.

This is how these drama queens control the people around them; threatening to fly off the handle at the least thing, so everyone obeys them exactly in fear of an explosion.
Call her bluff.
I'm just amazed at the preciousness of this weird subset of dog owners who prioritise the dogs over everyone and everything.