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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My MIL defied us re: allowing my dd to handfeed her 3 dogs

106 replies

NonGrockle29 · 04/10/2014 17:24

as the title says, despite being constantly told not to she took DD from DP last night and put her on the kitchen floor and she allowed DD to feed one dog before partner finally got the courage to go and get DD.

MIL lost her rag and threw a chopping board in the sink and shuoted that 'she has to bloody get used to them' as she stormed out. not wanting a fight i stepped outside the back door. DP stormed past me saying thanks a lot for putting me in the shit.

All of them are making me feel IABU for putting my daughters safety first. I dont think I am. My DP wanted to take DD over there today so he could apologise for picking her off the floor but i refused. I just feel really hurt that he will not back me up, he knows it is a major thing for me!

I thought how disrespectful to my DP and I that she would flout our rules She stood in front of me last week begging to have our DD alone saying that she would not give her anything or do anything we did not want... Now there is no way I can allow this!

was i being unreasonable in sticking to my guns?

(the dogs constantly jump up, lick faces, beg for food and scrap each other. but it is more about the fact my DP didnt back me up )

OP posts:
diddl · 04/10/2014 17:49

Well it sounds to me as if she is used to the dogs!

what she doesn't have to get used to is sitting on the floor with 3 dogs around her & her with food in her hand!!

PastorOfMuppets · 04/10/2014 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdoraBell · 04/10/2014 17:51

Someone said the DP wants to have his child comfortable with the dogs.

No, he wants to please his mother because he'll be in trouble if he doesn't.

OP I don't know what you can actually do about it until DP can stand up to her but YANBU in the least.

I wouldn't want someone's young child on the floor, or hand feeding, with my dogs because as much as I know them I don't trust that I can predict the outcome of every situation.

Fabulous46 · 04/10/2014 17:54

Just wanted to add my DIL is terrified of dogs and is pregnant. I would never expect her to be in the same room as them as she literally shook with fear when she visited early on in their relationship. Likewise I would never expect her to be ok about her child to be around my dogs. If something makes people uncomfortable when visiting my home I do my utmost to sort it for them. At the end of the day when my DS and DIL come for a visit of a few hours, I'd rather DIL felt comfortable then dread visiting.

babybythesea · 04/10/2014 17:54

I'd also be very wary of dogs and a small child where there is food around.
My dd is 5. We have a dog, who adores her and is incredibly protective of her. My parents have two dogs. They aren't protective in the same way but have never shown any aggression.

Last time my parents were here, dd noticed that my dog was about to steal the dinner I'd put down for my parent's older dog, and the older one was growling. (I should say I had separated them all for feeding but dd opened a door - I hadn't thought to tell her it was shut for a reason. I was putting the last food bowl down out in the garden for the final dog). So she picked up the food bowl to stop the food being stolen. Next thing, she's screaming - the older dog had defended her own food and gone for my dog, and dd was in the way. She got bitten on her hand. Not badly, but we all got a hell of a shock.

I honestly don't think either of the dogs meant to get her. She just intervened in a scrap when she shouldn't have done.

The point is, a few dogs (however trustworthy), a small child and food is a really bad combination.

Original poster
NonGrockle29 · 04/10/2014 17:54

Thank you everyone I was doubting myself!

I do feel horrible for putting DP in the middle but I have to put DD first

OP posts:
whataloadofoldshit · 04/10/2014 17:58

Regardless of the ins and outs, you said no. Your word is final. She can't be trusted. Throwing things into the sink? Grow up!

joanofarchitrave · 04/10/2014 17:59

Did you put him in the middle??

Your DP took out his own discomfort at having to confront his mother (by picking up DD) on you. I would tell him how happy you are that he backed you up by picking her up. Then see what he says; likely some ranting and raving; and say 'you still sound upset, is that at me or at having to confront her'?

It really sounds like this needs bringing into the open between you.

durhamgirl · 04/10/2014 17:59

My husband was bitten by the family dog at that age while feeding it, he's 33 now and still has a scar on his face. She is being highly unreasonable. It sounds like she's behaving like a dog herself and trying to mark her place in the pack as being higher than yours by deliberately going against your wishes.

AdoraBell · 04/10/2014 18:00

You haven't put DP in the middle. He should be able to put his DC's safety above everything else, and I'm sure he does normally, but if he's treading on eggshells around his mother then that is what puts him I'm the middle.

Twitterqueen · 04/10/2014 18:00

You need to take some ownership and responsibility here OP. You said you didn't want a fight so went outside the back door. How is it helpful for you to run away? It's your rule, so you need to stand up to your MIL about it - not leave your DP, who is between a rock and hard place here - to deal with it.

Whose house is it? Yours or you MIL's? I don't dispute it is your right to make the rule, but I think you are being insensitive to your MIL. Do you really thing your MIL would put her (presumably beloved) grandchild in danger?

Whilst I think you're perfectly entitled to your opinion and justified too - I also completely understand why your MIL is upset and why your DP is angry. Take some ownership of the issue here.

Mrsjayy · 04/10/2014 18:03

Every thing about the pair of them is wrong your dds dad is a grown man and the mil throws stuff about in a temper your dd is a baby she shouldn't have slobbering dogs around her yanbu at all, children can get used to dogs without sitting amongst them

Bulbasaur · 04/10/2014 18:03

Breed and age have nothing to do with it. If you don't want her feeding the dogs, don't let her feed the dogs.

I am fine with my DM's big dog licking baby DD's feet, and said dog is very gentle and maternal towards DD (which is odd considering she's hyper in every other situation). But I wouldn't let her near DD's face, and I won't be letting DD get up in the dog's face when she's older. Even though, in reality the dog will likely just be obnoxious and continuously lick DD's face, like she does ours whenever we lay on the couch for a nap. It's just not worth the risk considering she's at eye level and that is a sign of aggression to a dog.

That said, as a young child I tried feeding my aunt's cocker spaniel a treat. She didn't take it, so I put it closer to her feet. She still didn't want it, so I innocently picked it up and this thing tackled me to the ground and went after my throat. Luckily my mother was there to yank the thing off me. But I had scratches and a bite on my face towards my jaw. This dog was aiming for my throat because I picked up a treat that she didn't want. Why my aunt didn't put the stupid thing down is beyond me, it continued to snap at and bite young children until the day it died.

Anyway, no matter how gentle a dog is, you never know when these things can happen. It takes only a second for a dog to snap and cause damage, and being in a dog's face and giving it food when a child is that small is playing with fire.

Mrsjayy · 04/10/2014 18:04

Oh yes absolutely take responsibility walking away isn't making your point

PotsAndCambert · 04/10/2014 18:06

This could be about anything couldn't it? This us the dogs atm. It could be a dress to wear, feeding meat to a vegetarian child etc.

This was your choice as a parent and you had discuss that together. The major issue is that your MIL has decided SHE is right. And that she us making everyone life so difficult that people finally give in.

Clearly your MIL IBU.

But I feel for your DH who seems to want to support yours and his ideas but us under so much pressure from his DM. Unfortunately he will have to chose and take a stance. I hope he will chose you and his family.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/10/2014 18:06

Your Mil isn't the problem, your DP is.

RomeoDone · 04/10/2014 18:06

I have a terrier cross and whilst he has never shown any aggression to my 8m old DD I wouldn't dream of letting her feed him. She sits on the floor on her mat and he is wandering around if we are in the room but he leaves the room when I do. He's been with her every day of her life and I still wouldn't allow her to feed him.

However the little minx does throw her food out of her highchair for him!!!! Angry

hollie84 · 04/10/2014 18:09

Putting a baby on the floor with food in her hand, in the middle of 3 dogs is just stupid however you look at it.

Original poster
NonGrockle29 · 04/10/2014 18:10

I got into our car and said thanks for picking up DD DP I cannot believe she did that and he then went on to tell me that I make things hard for him - his DM and DF are now going to row about it all night and I effed up his birthday this Sunday. Then I got upset because I upset him it has been a nightmare today which is why I have come on here to get some other peoples thoughts.
I thought it was for US to be upset at her flouting the rules and she should apologise but apparently it is me according to DP.
That said, I was happy to move swiftly on and forget it but be firmer with the rules.

OP posts:
PotsAndCambert · 04/10/2014 18:15

OP from what you said, you discussed it together. He agreed with you I assume? In that case you did NOT put him on the middle.
What has happened us that this is an issue you feel strongly about and he knows it so he can feel the pressure from your side NOT to do it. On the other side, he has his mother putting even more pressure on him to let your dd feed the dogs.
He is making you feel guilty because it's easier to blame someone else that yourself for problems (he could have told NO to his mum or say yes to her and face your anger). Instead he struggled to keep to his own decisions/beliefs and let his mum do what she wanted and then stop her having to face both her anger and yours!

I would have a word with your DH when everyone us a bit calmer and see with him whether he really agree with you re safety with the dogs.
You need to have a united front both of you telling your MIL what you want to see.
And don't let your dd with her on her own.

Original poster
NonGrockle29 · 04/10/2014 18:16

Twittersqueen

You are right, DP has begged me to let him deal with his DM but it isnt working. I think I will speak with her myself (calmly) tomorrow and explain. I wimped out by goin outside I know!! It was her house so I think the easiest thing would be for them to come here maybe? It is only a ten min drive for them, I would love to have her visit us during the day. I just dont want this to go on forever :(

OP posts:
BlackWings · 04/10/2014 18:20

So your DP and FIL 'walk on eggshells' around this woman, she didn't speak to for a week because you didn't allow her to feed your 6 week old solids and she threw a chopping board because you didn't want your BABY Sat on the floor handfeeding her dogs!
Sorry but your MIL sounds abusive and I think you're massively under-reacting. She wouldn't be getting anywhere near my child again because she'll be her next victim.
Are you quite timid OP? I only ask as personally I would have exploded at her for that stunt.

Original poster
NonGrockle29 · 04/10/2014 18:21

Sorry to keep posting! Yes we discussed the dogs, he told me that they tend to get jealous and snappy and we both agreed that they should socialise but no feeding by hand (it came up before when she actually asked and we said no) We were letting them lick her feet but then she allowed face licking which my DP was angry about. I feel so sorry for him I trully do I think I will have to take the lead

OP posts:
Original poster
NonGrockle29 · 04/10/2014 18:22

BlackWings I am a complete coward and hate any sort of confrontation but I think I need to man up!

OP posts:
specialsubject · 04/10/2014 18:25

seen this?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-northamptonshire-29491535

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