To think it was unfair of a colleague to say that educating my DC privately was intended to 'buy them a better class of friend'?

[Shard1066]

This was a recent throwaway comment by a colleague, but I was quite hurt by it. I don't have views that private or non-private education is better or worse. There are pros and cons with both. I assume that most parents make the decision based upon the options available, the needs of their children, and possibly finances. I picked the school in question - a famous but not overly academic co-ed day/boarding because I though it would suit my 2 eldest DC, and it seemed the best option. However, we have since moved into an area with an outstanding comprehensive, so may well make a different decision for DC3.

It would not have occurred to me that I was buying 'better friends', and I was quite hurt by this remark? Do some parents actually think in that way?

(PS have NC'd so as not to out myself)

I reckon that the grammar and private parents round us should club together and give me some sort of thank you present (a red Kitchenaid would be nice). Because of my son, they can all tick the box that says "my child mixes with children from all the local schools" without their child actually having to mix with anyone who isn't a PLU!

taz I think letting your DC play out is risky. We have electric wire around our garden. No one in and no one out. Safer all round.

And of course the children are taken to school by private helicopter!

You may or may not have taken this into account when choosing a school, OP, but many posts on MN demonstrate that the class, ethnicity and other background factors are a crucial concern for many parents.

Schools are described as being in a 'good' or 'rough' area, worries about whether children will 'cope' in a comp (when the Independents are often just as big and busy) , assumptions that 'rough' kids will bully bright kids (against the experience of the overwhelming majority of posters on a recent thread).

So I am afraid it is a reasonable assumption that some private school parents are consciously buying 'better' friends. Some MN posters are clear and open about it!

at Word

It was one of the aspects that bemused me when we moved DS. DH's extended family were adamant he would lose all of his old school friends and would become very isolated (he's an hour away from most of his new school friends). I couldn't understand why they would think this and still don't understand it. They're all still popping in and out of each other's houses.

Taz- you need to get that razor wire up!

But seriously. The whole "they mix with all sorts" at home is a bit of a red herring. Generally they don't. They mix outside school with other children like them. Dress them in weekend clothes and they are indistinguishable. My ds doesn't have many close friends who are far removed from him by social class, academic ability and interests. Not a bad thing. Just how it is. But don't think that the social exclusiveness of private education can be mitigated by outside school friendships. Because ^generally speaking" it isn't.

Hak
How the heck do you know who my children mix with. Just because your DS has a limited social circle doesn't mean my children do. Your generalisations are getting a bit ridiculous now. I am sorry to hear your DC live in such a naice little bubble but I am rather glad that mine don't.

Did you notice my use of the word generally?

But yes, I am prepared to stick my neck out and say that most people of any age have a circle of friends who largely reflect their social class, attitudes and interests.

But seriously. The whole "they mix with all sorts" at home is a bit of a red herring. Generally they don't. They mix outside school with other children like them.

It's just weird for me. Possibly it's because I grew up in New England where children would go to all sorts of schools but the town then provided a base for everyone. I went to the local state school (The Bromfield School - THE best school in the whole world!), my neighbour to my right went to Groton (old New England prep) as a day student, my neighbour to my left went to the local regional vocational school, others went to parochial school. It was normal that you'd mix outside of school and I found it quite offensive when DH's family indicated that this wouldn't be the case for DS. I couldn't quite work out whether they thought his old friends wouldn't want to hang out with him anymore or whether they thought he would drop them like a hot potato- either way it was just bizarre to me.

Arf at whoever said no Tylers coming round for a play date.
There are 2 Tylers in DS's (private) primary school

Taz mine are too!

Playing out with the local children I mean, sorry thread had moved on a page and I hadn't realised and yes I agree with Hak that most of us don't stray too far from our own social 'type' whether we like to admit it or not.

What is our own social type?
I am the only one in my family whose DC go to private school. DH is an immigrant from North Africa. I am Christian and DH is Muslim. We speak English and Arabic at home. I work in the City and DH works for himself.

Which box do we fit in to?

I think there are more families in flux than some people realise. I know we are not the only family in the DC's school where the parent's siblings don't send their DC to private school. We are not the only family where at least one of the parents are immigrants. There are other families with more than one religion or language at home.

Thanks you for all of your responses. I accept that of course it is the parents' choice, but I am interested that a lot of you think that others judge - for better or worse - even if they don't usually express their opinions (unlike my colleague).

One thing arising out of the thread which does concern me. Do you think it would be unfair on DC3 to go to the local comprehensive, unlike siblings, even tough it has been consistently ranked as outstanding over many years.

Hak I think there are some DC that live such a priviledged existence that they don't really mix outside of school.

But they're few and far between, I think.

Most of us with kids at private school have family with kids at state school. Where we live, we're surrounded by kids who go to state school. Our kids play in footie teams and what have you.

Chaz I see where you are coming from. My kids would be very lonely if I stuck to people of the same "social type" as myself I think!

You do see people who get trapped inside their own stereotype though: this is David Cameron's biggest flaw I think! That's why he sees Hague as being terribly Yorkshire.

But I think the key as mentioned is that children socialise by interests. Depending on your interests, this can then mean that you are socialising with other children across the spectrum of academic ability, class etc. DS rows and swims so OK, for rowing he's unlikely to be mixing outwith his school environment, but at his swimming, the children are from a mix of schools and backgrounds and academic abilities. When I was a child I played the violin in a local university orchestra and the few of us who were younger came from a completely diverse set of backgrounds.

I think I've lost track of what I'm trying to say but possibly it's that by mixing by interests you are in many cases likely to be also mixing with children from a wide variety of backgrounds.

The whole thing makes me exhausted and I had no idea what I was getting myself into and never thought about it until DH's family started rabbiting on about it. Thank fuck our general children don't actually think about this sort of thing!

If you send your child to a private school some people will judge. If you send them to a state school, some (not as many, but some) will judge. I've been judged for sending dcs to the local, "rough" primary - didn't I care about them enough to either move house or pretend to be a Christian or drive miles across town for a pre-prep I didn't particularly warm to. Then later when I sent them to a local prep school that only started in y3, so was not an option previously, I am sure people thought I was being a snob etc etc. BUT my true friends don't judge and I don't care what anyone else is secretly, or not secretly, thinking. And OP, yes, by all means send dc3 to the comp if you and dc3 like it and think it's a suitable school. If dc3 shows a strong preference for the private school, then I would choose that in the interests of fairness.

One thing arising out of the thread which does concern me. Do you think it would be unfair on DC3 to go to the local comprehensive, unlike siblings, even tough it has been consistently ranked as outstanding over many years.
It is possible for State schools to be better than fee paying ones. (Am crouching now in fear of brickbats).
I have known families where there has been a mix and match approach, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. It depends on how the child would feel. Is it a single sex school? If not the child might wonder why it wasn't good enough for DCs 1 and 2, but is good enough for them.

Thanks Larry

I went to a top pdivate school and my peers were generally spoilt, snobby and vicious. Peer group pressure to have rhe labels was enourmous and the rich keep to their own anyway. It didnt give me any social advantage. I rebelled and
hung out with the " rough" kids anyway. I feel bad but my rich peers rejected me.