To think it was unfair of a colleague to say that educating my DC privately was intended to 'buy them a better class of friend'?

[Shard1066]

This was a recent throwaway comment by a colleague, but I was quite hurt by it. I don't have views that private or non-private education is better or worse. There are pros and cons with both. I assume that most parents make the decision based upon the options available, the needs of their children, and possibly finances. I picked the school in question - a famous but not overly academic co-ed day/boarding because I though it would suit my 2 eldest DC, and it seemed the best option. However, we have since moved into an area with an outstanding comprehensive, so may well make a different decision for DC3.

It would not have occurred to me that I was buying 'better friends', and I was quite hurt by this remark? Do some parents actually think in that way?

(PS have NC'd so as not to out myself)

Let's be honest.
Most parents who send their dcs to private school assume that they will be mixing with a better class of people or at least will be with children whose parents value education.
I agree that it is not necessarily about a better education ; as someone pointed out private tuition would be sufficient.

Well your colleague clearly doesn't think much of state educated children then. I picked private for my children because it was the best education option for them. I am luckier than many because I have a choice.

That sort of comment says more about your colleague than anyone else. They are the one assuming that private school's contain "a better class" of child.

Chaz - I imagine 'better class of child' was ironic in the same way the people who are referring to the kids at state schools as 'riff raff' is.

I went to a pretty poor state school. The local (not very academic) private school certainly had a more affluent class of child which does tend to rule out some of the problems that we had in school. Though no doubt it does bring different set of problems - cash gives access to harder drugs and keeping up with the relentless consumerism in some private schools is a full time job!

But pretending that going private doesn't rule out most of the problems that come with disadvantage is pointless.

I think if we are honest a similar principle does apply in many of our school choices - not necessarily the private / state school debate.

I did not like the only school in our vicinity for many, many reasons. It seemed to lack ambition and having an intake of primarily third generation unemployment families, ambition had been taken away from them. Teachers seemed demoralised, etc. I spent money on private music lessons for my son from an early age and he was admitted to a selective comprehensive out of county on a music placement. The parents of his classmates were noticeably affluent middle class, every informed and knowledgeable professionals. All the year group went onto 'good' universities.

So if I am honest, I would admit inwardly to choosing 'better' friends and 'better' potential than sending my son to the local council housing estate comprehensive - BUT I would never boast about that in such terms in speech. It is rude, condensing and patronising. We all want the best for our children. We just need to be careful how we express that, I guess.

My 3 DC's are at private school and the uniform is completely 'normal' .

As for making connections for the future, well that is quite laughable as pretty much all of the parents are just ordinary people (with the money of course) they are not necessarily running the country, that old chestnut about meeting the right people for future employment etc applies to only a very few of the better public schools not most smaller private schools.

They go there because I live in a grammar county and my DC's didn't pass the 11+ and the alternative was shocking. I would rather not pay if I'm honest but was left with little alternative.

They definitely don't have a better class of friend at school than they have with the local children who they are still great pals with.

I tend to keep very quiet about it in RL as know that it is an inflammatory subject to many.

ILove
Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't, we weren't there. I hope it was because otherwise it is a pretty grim comment. I was state educated so perhaps I read it with that in mind

I have posted about this before but it amuses me hugely that on some threads certain rather worrying posters see my muslim DC (DH is an immigrant) as a threat to the very fabric of British society and yet on other threads it is suggested that I send them to a private school to avoid certain types of children. Are they simultaneously the ones being avoided and the one's doing the avoiding - avoider and avoidee in the same child

It wasn't an unfair comment, but yanbu to be stung by it. Your feelings are your feelings.

Reasons for private school
Better education
Entrance exam so they can move quicker
Smaller classes
They have to provide a service or the go bankrupt
Avoid the bad influence children
Discipline they can expel naughty kids
Option of single sex

The connections wouldnt bother me as that would depend on the school and parents that year, who they make friends with.

But they definitely push out the 'not so bright' kids at 11. So no guarantee of keeping kid in for senior school.

Reading on a previous thread it would be normal for kids to go around hitting each other at state school and there is 1-2 per class.

Also there can be less bullying and i found the school better for ignoring material things than it sounds like state school was at the time. Maybe as parents are stretched with fees and there were assisted places kids. But the world has changed a lot since then.

I dont remember virtually any disruption in classes, as the kids listened.

If i had the money i would pay. State seems luck/hit or miss.

"I do think that some people send their kids to private school so they don't have to mix with kids like mine."

I suspect that too. Which is tough luck for them, since I sent my kids to private schools.

Neither has a silly uniform (it's the local comps which have the embroidered blazers) and DD's is a 1960s concrete horror. I'll grant that DS's would count as nice surroundings.

Some one I know did send their children to a private schools because of the better contacts they would gain. I was surprised she said that because she hadn't previously come across as at all snobby.

Don't blame you for being annoyed though - your colleague probably has a chip on their shoulder.

Both of mine are at private school. Neither has school uniform, although the kids seem to have generated their own: jeans, Converse, T shirt, hoodie. Games uniform is plain white polo shirt and navy shorts, for both. If they play in football matches for the school, the school provides the kit. They have smaller class sizes, and amazing facilities, and the breadth of what they can study/do as extra curricular is pretty amazing.

Is it snobby to think of better contacts? I was very friendly with some of the boys from the local boy's school when I was at school, and I'm still in touch with some of them. One's an MP, and two are CEOs of well known companies. So yes, I have good contacts, but certainly didn't think of this at the time.

Some people are just jealous, others don't understand as have no experience, some are bigots. The rest couldn't care less how you or anybody else choose to educate their dc.
Find out which of these your colleague is and then just ignore them.

Put rather bluntly.

But basically one of the main reasons anyone sends their child to a private school is so that they don't have to mix with difficult, challenging children. It's often said openly on here.

I don't think it's bigotry, jealousy or ignorance to say that people who choose to go private are buying as much advantage as they can for their children. It's a fact.
The vast majority of parents want their children to be advantaged and do their best to give them advantages one way or another to the best of their means.
Personally, I would rather see a level playing field for all and an excellent local state school for every child. I disagree with private schools, and I wish all schools were in the state sector and enabled all children to excel.

We have a bit of that in France also, but less private schools.

The cheaper way of ensuring your child is not in a bad class or with kids that will disrupt the class is to put then in German as first learned language, then Latin the year after. It allows for a nice filtering, and also for them to stay in the same classes from middle to high school. (I loved it, and am still very close to my middle school friends!)

The remark was in the context of I am not going to send my DC to private school because I don't want to put that kind of financial pressure on myself - I would rather spend money on tutors, if necessary. I should say that this person is not someone who is unkind or jealous, in my opinion; I don't think the remark was intended in an unkind way, it was just what she had concluded.

The colleague is a relatively high earning lawyer in a city firm, so I think she was saying that she could afford it at a push but wasn't sure whether it was actually worth it if the determining factor is academic success, as others have said.

Its good there are private schools the extra cost would be huge.
The fact that we need them is not so good.
Clearly they dont pinch all of the brightest kids as they wont all have the money to pay or choose to.

It might not be the motivation behind sending your kids to private school, but the lifelong "networking" advantage is a real thing although I think you need to have the money to facilitate it. I went to a comprehensive and then went on to a Russell Group university. I was surrounded by students who came from private schools, it seemed like half of the first year already knew each other. It didn't bother me but I could appreciate the advantages these students had. Honestly, for the most part I tended to forge friendships with students who were more like me - as in we couldn't afford to go gallivanting around Europe every summer like our peers who were the offspring of diplomats and bankers etc...

I don't like it but who you know still matters. My friend finished the MBA program at Harvard last year. He said that far from being the rigorous academic program he'd been anticipating, it was essentially a two year networking experience. He graduated with a bunch of lucrative job offers - all from the networking. I don't know that we'll ever have a truly level-playing field when it comes to opportunities for our kids, which makes me sad.

The main reasons anyone sends their child to a private school is so that they don't have to mix with difficult, challenging children.

Hakluyt you do know that many, many special schools are actually private, don't you?

There are many MNers with children in the private sector for reasons of SEN/disabilities/additional needs.

Pure jealousy. Most people would if they could in the blink of an eye.

There are two things that stand out from your post OP:

one is the unlikelihood that any human being could honestly believe that paying around £30k a year in school fees would ensure their children mixed with kids from ALL members of society (full time minimum wage earners take home around £12k a year pre-tax remember?!)

And two is that you're not going to do the same for all three of your children - do you not anticipate any bad feeling about that?

Other than that I think your colleague had a badly-worded (maybe) point.

I am incredibly grateful to parents who state that their reasons for sending their children to private school is to ensure that they mix with a better class of children - it means that they are far, far away from me and my family

Shedwood, what I was saying is that it was not my motivation to make 'better friends'; hence why I am thinking of a different option for DC3. I am primarily interested in academics and I am not convinced that the 'networking' is such an advantage unless you send your DC to somewhere like Eton. Most of the parents at my DC's school are either local - dentists, lawyers, businessmen/women etc - actually similar to the parents at the local comp - or DC of Russian oligarchs with masses of cash to splash, with some in between, obviously!