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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you and your partner know each others' email passwords or would you rather no one knew except for you?

95 replies

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 11:53

Hi

Just wondering what other people do. H rang me from work asking me to do some things on the computer for him - he does some computer programming and one of his customers' websites has gone down.

In the process of trying to fix it, it transpires that he has forgotten the associated password. I then entered his email address in the "forgotten your password" section and a message popped up saying a link had been sent to his inbox.

H then said that he would try and access his email account (presumably from his phone) and then phone me back. I said I could access his inbox from home (and the computer I am currently using Hmm) if h gave me his email password.

H immediately said no no, he doesn't want someone Hmm in his email. I said why not and he could change his password again later if he was so worried. Again he said no. So he is supposedly going to ring me back to carry on doing what I need to do for him on the computer when he has got into his email.

I feel hurt but then again there is not much about our very conflicted relationship that doesn't make me feel hurt these days!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 02/10/2014 11:58

We have a shared email for stuff and separate google accounts I dont know the Google password but he would tell me if need be . I would think it was strange tbh

momb · 02/10/2014 11:59

I have DH's passwords and he has mine.However I wouldln't look in there unless it was an emergency so I suppose he could change it and I wouldn't know or think to ask. It does seem odd that he won't tell you but Ime some techy people are odd about the strangest things on email/privacy while being more lax than the rest of us on others.

pilates · 02/10/2014 11:59

Yes and both of us do not put pass-codes on our mobile phones either.

Beth2511 · 02/10/2014 12:00

We have the general understanding that we both know each others passwords for everything including online banking and card pins but then we are both of the opinion if we have nothing to worry about then there's no harm in each other knowing. Doesn't mean we ever use each others stuff, just think it's a transparency that shows each other we have nothing to hide.

cherrybombxo · 02/10/2014 12:00

We know both passwords but never use them. I think the only time DP has used my password (which is the same for most things, stupidly!) is to use my ASOS premier to get free next day shipping.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 12:08

Thanks. I thought people would be a lot more open and trusting than we are. In many ways we live parallel lives in the same space.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 02/10/2014 12:10

We have each other's passwords for email, phone, bank accounts. I can't remember the last time I looked though. If you trust each other, don't see why you shouldn't give each other passwords if asked.

ebwy · 02/10/2014 12:11

we know them. We have nothing to hide, so we're happy to let the other in to our accounts at any point. I haven't logged in to anything other than his facebook though, and that was with his knowledge to check something while he was in work.

I'm on his computer right now.

ouryve · 02/10/2014 12:12

We have a common password that we use for things we both might need access to or that we've got password locked to keep the kids out of, rather than each other. But, otherwise, no.

AMumInScotland · 02/10/2014 12:13

I'd feel pretty miffed if my husband seemed to 'trust' me enough to get me to sort out his problems for him, but was so picky over his email account, specially when it was required for doing the thing I was fixing for him.

It sounds like this is just one example of a bigger problem with how you feel about the relationship though.

Some people seem to manage living 'semi-detached' lives. I'm pretty sure our neighbours opposite merely inhabit the same house. But that's only ok if it's what you both want, which it doesn't sound like here.

Vivacia · 02/10/2014 12:13

I'd have the attitude that he either trusts me to have his email password for 30 minutes and to help him out of a fix or he doesn't. He can't pick and choose when I'm reliable and trustworthy to suit him.

UpduffedFatty · 02/10/2014 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redskybynight · 02/10/2014 12:14

Was he worried about being overheard if told you his password on the phone, rather than you knowing it?

I know most of DH's passwords and he knows most of mine, but we do change them and not tell each other.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 12:16

Yes not sure what he wouldn't want me to see. He conducts a lot of his business on the computer so I suppose the nuts and bolts of his life are on their. He holds the strings of our life while I am a sahm. Though I have a much easier day to day life than he does in some ways, in many ways we are not on an equal footing and I don't like it / know how to resolve it. H is very mistrustful in general.

OP posts:
flipchart · 02/10/2014 12:16

We just have the one email account.
I see it like a letterbox. Some stuff is for me, some for him and then you get the junk mail.

OrangeFluff · 02/10/2014 12:17

Yes we know each others passwords, but we very rarely need or use them. If my DH didn't want me to know, I would be wondering what he had to hide.

Original poster
textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 12:19

I don't think it was out of fear of being overheard.

The someone really annoyed me too Angry.

Yes picking and choosing what I am good enough for makes me feel like an employee.

OP posts:
AnnoyingOrange · 02/10/2014 12:20

My dh and my children know the pass codes to my phone and iPad. Mail is on them and can be viewed by clicking on the app

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/10/2014 12:21

I know dps and I think he knows mine. We never use each other's without asking though and it's very rare we need to.

Alyx80 · 02/10/2014 12:21

I'd be telling him to sort his own work out if you can't be trusted with the password tbh.

BlueberryWafer · 02/10/2014 12:22

My partner knows all my passwords and I know all of his - not that we have particularly given them to each other as such, we just don't hide them from each other.

RedToothBrush · 02/10/2014 12:27

I would not want someone in my emails. This includes my husband. However he does know what my passwords 'pattern' is. So if he really needed to get into my emails for something he could by guessing. But as a rule, I would not want him to, unless it was an emergency.

Its more that it feels like a diary in some senses and I am self conscious about it, rather than there being something sensitive in there. (There's not btw). I really don't have anything to hide, I'm just a bit precious about it.

Orangetart · 02/10/2014 12:29

Yes we know the passwords for each others email and go into them if we need to. We also know each others mobile lock codes, bank passwords, pin numbers, ebay, PayPal etc.
I would think it very odd if I didn't, and if he suddenly changed it and didn't tell me I would be very suspicious.

soundevenfruity · 02/10/2014 12:34

We don't know each other's email passwords. If there was an emergency I would've given it to him. I am of opinion that we don't need to share every minutiae and it's ok to keep some things to yourself. But in your case it's not just that, it's a pattern when the other party (almost?) checked out of relationship.

Minerves · 02/10/2014 12:44

I do not and would not share my passwords. I have nothing to hide.