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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you and your partner know each others' email passwords or would you rather no one knew except for you?

95 replies

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 11:53

Just wondering what other people do. H rang me from work asking me to do some things on the computer for him - he does some computer programming and one of his customers' websites has gone down.

In the process of trying to fix it, it transpires that he has forgotten the associated password. I then entered his email address in the "forgotten your password" section and a message popped up saying a link had been sent to his inbox.

H then said that he would try and access his email account (presumably from his phone) and then phone me back. I said I could access his inbox from home (and the computer I am currently using ) if h gave me his email password.

H immediately said no no, he doesn't want someone in his email. I said why not and he could change his password again later if he was so worried. Again he said no. So he is supposedly going to ring me back to carry on doing what I need to do for him on the computer when he has got into his email.

I feel hurt but then again there is not much about our very conflicted relationship that doesn't make me feel hurt these days!

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 02/10/2014 12:50

Sort of. The accounts are family ones and I doubt dh would remember them, but he does know where I have them written down.
I do have a pass code on my smartphone which is to stop ds messing with it, but dh knows what it is. He only has a basic work issued phone. Doubt if it has a code.

flipchart · 02/10/2014 12:50

Even my kids know my pass words and one of my PIN numbers ( there's one account I don't mind if they take money out of it if they need it)

littlemonster · 02/10/2014 12:51

I know my husband's but I don't like anyone knowing my email password. Have nothing whatsoever to hide, I just like to keep the tiniest bit of privacy. However I have told him before, when we've had the kind of situation you mention, as it feels odd not to. But I've then changed it pdq!

Not sure how either of us would feel if the other made an issue out of not allowing access for a specific reason.

Lizardc · 02/10/2014 12:51

We don't know each other's passwords and I always find the idea of shared email accounts a bit odd (unless there are individual ones as well). But, we would be perfectly happy to tell each other our password in your situation and I doubt we'd bother to change it afterwards.

whataloadofoldshit · 02/10/2014 12:53

We don't have passwords on our phones, the iPad or laptop but we do obviously have passwords on our email accounts. I'm pretty sure he knows mine as mine is the same for everything. I don't know his though ... Why would I need to know?!

HoltBegins · 02/10/2014 12:54

Yes we know each others passwords and have toolbar links to both emails on both our laptops. It makes it things much easier because some people (family/amazon/ebay) will email to my address and some his and because I generally organise the calendar it makes sense.

plecofjustice · 02/10/2014 12:59

No, absolutely not. I don't know his logins, he doesn't know mine. If we have to use each other's physical computers for some reason, we either log the other one on or create an account for them. Same as I don't open his mail (or him mine) or look in his wallet.

We're all entitled to privacy, I trust him and he trusts me. That's how our relationship works

flipchart · 02/10/2014 13:00

lizardc. Why is a shared email account odd?

Like I said before it is just like a letter box and we pick the emails up that relate to us and delete the rest.

The main reson we use the email is bookings for flights, holidays , tickets etc.

AggressiveBunting · 02/10/2014 13:01

No- don't know any of his pins or passwords and he doesn't know mine.....actually the exception is the iTunes account, but that's notionally in his name but we both use it.

Vitalstatistix · 02/10/2014 13:01

My husband knows all my passwords and I know all his. We both know all that stuff because if something happened to one of us, the other one might need access to something for some reason. Plus it's a failsafe sort of thing. It's unlikely that we will both forget or lose a password.

I don't care about privacy from him so it doesn't matter to me. But I understand that some people do want that and that's absolutely just as valid a choice. I don't think there is anything wrong with him wanting privacy even from you, but if you feel that it's more than that, or it means something about the relationship, which your posts seem to indicate, then talk to him about how you feel because how you feel is just as important.

googoodolly · 02/10/2014 13:06

We know each other's passwords, yes. I've never looked through his accounts, though.

TattyDevine · 02/10/2014 13:12

All completely transparent here - though I can't get into his work email simply because I don't know the code on his work server - but can't think of any reason why I would need it. If he was on the phone and a device was here he'd just get me to log on by telling me. He's a completely open book.

As for me, I don't really have a password on my email, you just open outlook and its all there, about 3000 unread emails from websites I have purchased things from in the past!

I don't usually have a code on my phone either though I recently put one on the new phone so my kids don't try and use it (they have their own devices now so I'm trying to get them out of the habit of grabbing the nearest device that happens to have charge and to take responsibility for their own device)

We know each others pins - well he probably wouldn't remember mine but if his card snapped in half or something and he wanted to get cash out I'd give him my card and pin - joint account.

In-laws thought I was weird when SIL wanted her husband to return something for her, he was already at the shop, and I said that's easy, get him to pop back and get your card and just give him the pin and he can get a refund as long as he knows the pin. She's like "what? I'm not giving him my pin!" and I was "eh? why not he's your husband!" and everyone jumped to her defence. MIL was saying there is "no way" she'd give FIL her pin etc etc. I was miffed by this but its none of my business.

Okay so there are potential privacy issues with email - even if you have nothing to hide from a trust point of view, he might see a purchase confirmation of his birthday present, that kind of thing. But if you trust each other and he's unlikely to log on without a reason, that's no issue.

If my husband hypothetically wanted to get into my email and I had a legitimate reason why I didn't want him to, I'd probably hint at what that reason was to reassure him - like the birthday present scenario or something. Nothing else to hide though.

There could be plenty of other innocent reasons, or even non-innocent ones.

lylasmam2012 · 02/10/2014 13:14

We know them, but I don't check his and he doesn't check mine as we may stumble across a birthday/christmas/anniversary present spoiler.

Original poster

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 13:30

Thanks for all your thoughts. Though our relationship is very detached and distant I don't think he wants to hide emails from an OW or some such scenario (though you never know ). I think like some posters he doesn't want his privacy intruded upon. What made me feel hurt was the way he said it and the link in my mind to all of our other very real problems. So that things like this made me react immediately and I am afraid I hung up. He hasn't rung back either, either because he hasn't managed to get into his email from his phone or because he no longer wants to involve me in it I suppose (given hanging up).

It just seems like the slightest thing now tips me over the edge.

OP posts:

Original poster

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 13:32

And the sad fact of the matter is that he does not "do" presents so there would never be an email about this kind of surprise in his inbox. Anyway sorry, must stop with the self-pity!!!

OP posts:

duhgldiuhfdsli · 02/10/2014 13:37

Even my kids know my pass words and one of my PIN numbers

Good luck in the argument with your bank if you ever have suspected fraud on your account.

EllaFitzgerald · 02/10/2014 13:38

I know his passwords for everything, his passcode on his phone and all of his pins. I don't look unless he asks me to do something for him, although I know he'd be fine if I did want to just be nosy. I think he knows my email password, but he's never used it. I wouldn't mind if he did, which is a first for me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/10/2014 13:39

I would never request access to someone else's email/social media/anything with a password (unless they are a minor child I have responsibility for) and would be horrified if someone requested mine.

Equally as such I wouldn't be expecting them to fix my admin related issues.

If I discovered a member of staff had shared an email password of a work related account with a spouse I would take prompt steps to dismiss them

Thumbwitch · 02/10/2014 13:45

DH doesn't know my passwords but it wouldn't take him long to work them out. Well some of them anyway. He wouldn't stand a chance with my bank, for e.g.
I don't know his current passwords either, he does change them around a bit for security, but I could probably work them out too.
I don't have a security key on my phone unless i completely dies; and I know the security code for his smartphone, plus have my thumbprint in the recognition thingy.

In your situation though, DH would have just given me his password and had me log into his email to retrieve the reset email, he wouldn't have been as evasive as your DH has been. Which makes me wonder why your DH is so evasive.

WellnowImFucked · 02/10/2014 13:50

I know mine…and his.

He doesn't know mine or his. . .

I regularly have to remind him of his PIN etc.

We do both have code on our phones, I've told him mine, never remembers, he's got a new phone recently, also has a code he hasn't offered it, I haven't asked, but I could guess ..

It's scary how many of us have a password pattern…

impatienceisavirtue · 02/10/2014 13:52

Yeah we do have each other's.

Original poster

textingdisaster · 02/10/2014 13:54

Yes I do kind if wonder that as well thumbwitch. It seems like a lot of effort to go to when I could have been in and out of his email while he was on the phone.

needsasock I understand what you are saying but h is self-employed and I suppose his email address doubles up as a work and a personal one.

OP posts:

chrome100 · 02/10/2014 14:14

I know my DP's code for his phone but would never look at it unless he asked me to. Likewise both our Facebooks are always open on our respective devices but I'd never look at his because I respect his right to privacy.

He's asked me to log in to things before and given me the password but I can't remember it.

Thumbwitch · 02/10/2014 14:21

Just read a bit more of the thread - and this rings a couple of alarm bells:
"He holds the strings of our life while I am a sahm"

You've said he's also very mistrustful - does he control your money as well? Or are you allowed free access to the money, have your own credit card that he doesn't check up on, etc. etc.

I have a friend who used to be married to a man who had his own business (started as self employed and then it expanded and expanded) - he made a mint when he sold it and was able to retire in his 40s. She had a very nice lifestyle - but she knew fuck all about the money situation, had no direct access (had her own credit card but he paid it and used to have a go if he thought she'd spent too much) - she didn't know who their service providers were, she didn't know how to pay bills, he was financially fully in control. He was also a git. And when she divorced him because of his unreasonable behaviour and financial abuse, he squirrelled money away so it wasn't findable. He liked having a "little SAHM wife" as a trophy. She wasn't a real person to him, she was an appendage. His handbag, if you like.

Anyway - that was what your phrase reminded me of - my friend's situation. Is yours like hers or (hopefully) better?

melw74 · 02/10/2014 14:22

Yep, we both have each others passwords, but we never have to check as i trust him and i know that he trusts me too...

I would be very suspicious if he acted strange and it upset him a lot... If i wanted to look.

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