To feel so so sad that we have to go and look at a school tomorrow

[OlderMummy1]

I have a 2yo DD (3 in Jan). We are starting to look for schools for her as all of the open days are coming up over the next 2 weeks and we have about 7 to look at. I know I am lucky in that we are able to afford to send her to a private school so am not restricted by catchment areas etc.

Our 1st visit is tomorrow morning.....and I have been tearful all day. I finally had a meltdown this evening resulting in floods of tears and an argument with DH. The top and bottom of it is that I don't want her to go to school. I don't want her to be away from me most of the week and I shall be so sad without her.

I have a 7 month DS who (after a very rocky start) has now settled down and we all have very happy days together. I can't imagine them without my DD.

My DD has speech delay with no definite cause. Last Xmas she didn't have a single world. I have worked so hard with her and she is now on the lower end of the normal range. It's slow progress but we are getting there. The SALT lady has always said that she gets so much input from home from us and her extended family (that we see every day) that going to Nursery at a very young age wasn't necessary. However, all the doctors etc. who have seen her have said that going to Nursery would help her. One said that it would 'force' her to talk which made me feel sick. She doesn't choose not to talk, she tries her hardest. I don't want her to be forced into something that she cannot physically do.

I am worried that she would benefit from Nursery and that I am holding her back by not sending her. I gave into pressure when she was 2 and a bit. She went twice, both times crying for hours at a time. I did feel that the settling in process with too quick for her (1st visit I stayed, 2nd visit she stayed for 4 hours on her own!) She is fine when I am there but gets upset when I leave.

I have always tried to encourage independence, taking her to a different group every day, often taking a backseat and letting her do her own thing. She seems very confident in an environment she is familiar with. We also have a nanny for a morning a week and we have never had any trouble getting DD to stay with her.

I just have visions of her going to Nursery and no one understanding what she is trying to say or what she wants. Also, I know I have anxiety issues with my children after infertility and miscarriages so I worry when they are not with me.

I just will feel so sad when the day comes when I don't know what my child did or how she felt as I wasn't there. I feel like I am the most bonkers mother in the world :-(

I think I remember your other thread about your DD delayed speech and without wanting to offend you I get the impression that you are massively projecting your issues on to your DD.

It's natural to worry how a child will get on when they start school, but for you it's more about your anxiety than anything else. I think you would do well to see your GP about your anxiety.

You will feel more nervous than most OP. It IS hard...I really feel for you. But DD will be just fine. one of my DDs little friends has a speech delay...they're both 6 and he's on the lower end of normal and he's absolutely fine and improving daily. He has a tonne of little friends and is doing well with his work.

She won't be the only one. Not knowing what they did all day is part of allowing them to grow. It's hard to take but it brings amazing gifts when you see them blossom.

Leave it a year until you are both ready to think about it. You are not bonkers. Even if you do look, choosing a school is a long way from a not yet 3 year old starting school.

Oh bless you, got a bit of a lump in my throat

Well, I don't know really very much about SALT and whatnot but I do know that experienced early years staff are excellent at intuiting a child's wants and needs from body language, gesture, pointing with fingers/hand and with eyes, in context. Eg child would like some more strawberries, looks often and keenly at the bowl, key worker brings the bowl nearer, happy smiles all round.

Awwww I can totally understand how you feel. Sounds like you're on the ball and doing the best or your daughter. At around 2 interaction with peers becomes important for language development but it sounds like your daughter gets that st playgroups anyway.

My son is similar in being confident as long as I'm there so for that reason I'm mainly keeping him with me (if children are too stressed they don't learn anything anyway) but putting him in a very small and friendly pre school 3 mornings a week, starting in jan (he'll be 2.5 then). This is mainly just to introduce the school type setting slowly. Perhaps you could find a more attachment parenting type nursery to ease your daughter in to a group setting? If not i wouldn't worry by the time she starts school she'll have caught up with her language and be more independent anyway. Good luck!

Hi OP
When will she be going to school? I am assuming in September when she is 3 and 7 months? Will that be mornings only at first?

Why are you looking so early? If she's not 3 until January then you don't need to look until this time next year. And even then, there'll still be almost a year before she actually starts.
Of course you're sad at the thought of your 2 year old going to school- but your 4 year old will cope fine! They are completely different entities!

I was assuming by school you meant the nursery attached to a school?

I was hoping to send her just for 2 mornings a week to start with and maybe gradually build it up to 5 mornings when she is 4. However, I don't really know if this fits in with what the schools allow so this is a question I will ask when we go to visit.

Sorry yes, I mean the nursery attached to the school. I'm just worried as all her little friends go to Nursery at least a couple of mornings a week so I feel she is being left behind.

She would be able to start in January in the kindergarten class

How do you know she has speech difficulties if she is only 2 1/2? Lots of children don't speak much , if at all, until later than that - you may well find by 3 1/2 she is chatting away.

I speak as mother of 3, one of whom was talking in sentences at just 1, another who was mid-range and had about 50 words by second birthday, and a third who didn't speak at all until almost 3 - had about 50 words by his 3rd birthday).
They are all teen and older now, and are all very articulate.

I think it's too soon to be worrying about delayed speech, although your input will have benefits generallywhether now or later.

If you don't feel she's ready for nursery, then don't send her.

I'm old school; when I had my first child, they didn't go to nursery until they were rising 4; it's only the last few years that people have sent their children at 2. If you do lots with her, and she has plenty of stimulation and opportunities for conversation with family and friends, then she won't really miss it.

She will have changed a lot in another year ( or even six months) so if you need to book a place now, do it knowing that she will be talking a lot better by the time she goes.

She will likely start nursery as a half day thing though, not full time, so that should allow both of you to acclimatise to full day school that will follow in subsequent years.
If you do take the private option, they will be flexible about hours and will have scope for gradual increase (or reduction) of hours.
It is a sad time when we no longer have our young DCs with us - I'm still adjusting to my DD (5th and last child) starting full time reception. It is doing her good though, and she loves it. Your DD will too.

You don't need to send her to nursery at this stage. She may benefit from nursery from 3 or she may not. But it could be very part time. You don't need to get so anxious about it. It's just not required. If she is to start school at September rising 5, she would probably be better off going to nursery regularly for the school year before hand. But it doesn't need to be full time. It can be as much or as little as you wish.
I had serious concerns about my first son and nursery that I could never put my finger on (he was at a childminder from 10 months when I went back to work part time). I finally sent him (part time) for the last year before school and he was mainly fine. At 9 he was diagnosed as high functioning autistic. I had been right to stick to my guns about nursery and I'm very glad I did. Child 2 waltzed in at less than 18mo and took over the entire place. Horses for courses ;).

Hello OP

All 3 of our children didn't go to nursery at all and settled in school all right despite as assortment of learning difficulties and dd speech therapy. Ds1 didn't start reception until he was over 5 because he is August born.
It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and I'm convinced parents worry unnecessarily. Give her at least until January and then think again, if it still doesn't seem right then leave it another few months etc.
You may find one of your children begs to be taken out of school for no bad reason at all as mine did age 8 and this is fine too.

Look at the day nurseries locally too, you don't need to limit yourself to schools for a two year old. Plenty of time to do nursery sessions at school a year or two from now if she's going to reception there. Day nurseries - good ones - are gentle places about development and child care, not about getting ready for school, and you can do even just one or two sessions a week of a couple of hours to stimulate her speech and enjoy playing. They can be a lot more nurturing and it sounds like your dd needs that.

Ask to talk to the SENCo. Early years SENCos do a lot of supporting early speech through play and good ones will be keen to work with you, and to make sure dd settles in, can communicate and make herself understood and that you and dd build up a really good relationship with her key worker. A short term goal of dd enjoying two short play visits a week by Christmas may build up her and your confidence much better than you feeling horrible about choosing a school when she's so very little.

If she's confident in environments she is familiar with, she will probably thrive at nursery and get a lot out of it once she's settled in. If for nothing else (which I don't believe will happen) it will pay off when she has to start school, because school really is a big shock for children that have never been to nursery IME.

I know it feels really sad, but honestly, you will have so much enjoyment that comes from your children being at nursery and eventually school. Even though it's not the same, it's good in its own, different way.

I just wanted to say this:

I tried DD1 with nursery at 3 and she hated it. She cried and i missed her so badly. I was lucky enough to have the choice to keep her at home (DD2 was already 1) and so i took her out and didn't send her anywhere till reception at 4.5.

With DDs 2 and 3 i didn't bother with nursery at all. I couldn't face it! They too began school when they 'had' to. I loved my early years with them at home (i know i am lucky to have had the choice).

All 3 blossomed into perfectly happy school kids. And then blossomed into perfectly happy teens and adults. No repercusions (sp?) from not going to nursery at 3.

I intend to do the same with little DD4 (8 months). :) Go easy on yourself OP. My feeling is they are little for such a very short time, and are at school for plenty of years.

I really would try not to worry too much at this stage. Like others have said, there's no need to send her to nursery before school age if you feel it's too early.

I would just go and see the schools and see what they have to offer. It's simply a fact finding exercise at this point and will give you an idea of which schools you like the feel of. One thing I would say though (and this applies especially to private schools where there are more applications than places), is that often the school will fill it's P1 places with children moving up from their nursery first, before offering places to external candidates. For this reason our two went part-time (just mornings) for their pre-school year. We have several friends who didn't do that and weren't offered a place. It was also nice for them to have friends from nursery moving into school alongside them.

My 3 year old DS didn't utter a word until 2 months before his third birthday. We knew what he wanted he made lots of pointing and grunting noises lol.

My HV said there was nothing to worry about as at 2 1/2 its quite normal ?? I think your getting yourself into a panic about nothing tbh. we certainly never considered speech delays or any intervention ?? Shes 2/12 thats still so young !

If your planning on sending your dd to nursery attached to a school then our school do all 5 days or nothing. You dont get to pick and choose or send them part time.

I would send her. She will do better then you think

I hate to say it but if she has not been left alone in a nursery situation you have not been encouraging her independence. It is not the same as being at groups etc with you/nanny/family member in the background. My first 2 kids had to go to nursery for full days from a young age because of my work commitments and even around the age of 2-3 we did experience separation anxieties from them despite the fact they had been at the nursery for years-it is perfectly normal at that age. We chose to put my third into child care earlier than needed as we felt it would benefit him and without a doubt it did.

All 3 of my kids slipped happily into full time schooling as they were used to spending time away from us and continue to be quite settled in new environments. They will stay away from home without concern, love group organised holidays/trips-my 14 yr old is now planning on travelling to Hong Kong alone despite having done very little travel as it is-he just has the confidence to do things on his own. However one child we knew had never been away from her mother (previous child death had left the mother extremely protective of the girl which was understandable) and at 5 this poor girl was devastated to have to be away from her mum and had a horrendous year or 2 trying to adjust to full time school-she cried every morning without fail and didn't mix at all.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to start letting go or your anxieties will project onto your little girl and you will make the whole situation much more difficult. All little ones howl when they are first spending time without mum-but believe the nursery staff when they say they settled once mum had left as I have seen it happen! I understand you are worried by your child's speech but again professional staff will have no issue with this and small kids just all rub along together.

"I hate to say it but if she has not been left alone in a nursery situation you have not been encouraging her independence"

rubbish.

Einstein didn't start talking until age 4.

My 2 year old will be 3 in January too and has been going to nursery for about 5 months now and his speech has really come along but still not completely clear.

Some children just don't want to talk. I think as long as she understands everything you say and is developing well in other ways you shouldn't worry much at all.

As for the school matter, they have to go to school one day don't they?! Yes it's a bit sad, but if you develop anxiety over this, she will most definitely sense it and become anxious herself. Starting School should be a fun chapter in their lives. Don't ruin it for her by crying and being worried. Put those feelings aside.

DS2 had unclear speech when he started YR to the point where his teacher sometimes had to translate for other teachers. He got on fine with the other children. He had some SLT intervention and has improved.

On holiday my DC spent ages playing with other children without sharing a common language, they all seemed to know what was going on and organised their game perfectly well. I suspect you are more worried about your DD having communication issues than she is.

Oh DS cried and cried the first 4 sessions at nursery. He'd just turned 2. I had to just leave him and the nursery helped and told me to leave. I'd leave his comfort blanket with him and go.

He quickly learnt that I'd come back and that I wouldn't stay at nursey.
Now he runs in and doesn't look back at me.

Could you give nursery another try?