To feel so so sad that we have to go and look at a school tomorrow

[OlderMummy1]

I have a 2yo DD (3 in Jan). We are starting to look for schools for her as all of the open days are coming up over the next 2 weeks and we have about 7 to look at. I know I am lucky in that we are able to afford to send her to a private school so am not restricted by catchment areas etc.

Our 1st visit is tomorrow morning.....and I have been tearful all day. I finally had a meltdown this evening resulting in floods of tears and an argument with DH. The top and bottom of it is that I don't want her to go to school. I don't want her to be away from me most of the week and I shall be so sad without her.

I have a 7 month DS who (after a very rocky start) has now settled down and we all have very happy days together. I can't imagine them without my DD.

My DD has speech delay with no definite cause. Last Xmas she didn't have a single world. I have worked so hard with her and she is now on the lower end of the normal range. It's slow progress but we are getting there. The SALT lady has always said that she gets so much input from home from us and her extended family (that we see every day) that going to Nursery at a very young age wasn't necessary. However, all the doctors etc. who have seen her have said that going to Nursery would help her. One said that it would 'force' her to talk which made me feel sick. She doesn't choose not to talk, she tries her hardest. I don't want her to be forced into something that she cannot physically do.

I am worried that she would benefit from Nursery and that I am holding her back by not sending her. I gave into pressure when she was 2 and a bit. She went twice, both times crying for hours at a time. I did feel that the settling in process with too quick for her (1st visit I stayed, 2nd visit she stayed for 4 hours on her own!) She is fine when I am there but gets upset when I leave.

I have always tried to encourage independence, taking her to a different group every day, often taking a backseat and letting her do her own thing. She seems very confident in an environment she is familiar with. We also have a nanny for a morning a week and we have never had any trouble getting DD to stay with her.

I just have visions of her going to Nursery and no one understanding what she is trying to say or what she wants. Also, I know I have anxiety issues with my children after infertility and miscarriages so I worry when they are not with me.

I just will feel so sad when the day comes when I don't know what my child did or how she felt as I wasn't there. I feel like I am the most bonkers mother in the world :-(

warof you are making MASSIVE assumptions on the nature of children based on your own experience and what you think is right.

OP, your child is only 2. There is absolutely no need for you to even be thinking about school now, especially as it's making you so anxious.

Some children just can't talk- it's not a choice.

I had late talkers- one was 3 years old and the other was 3 and a half before they started talking.

Ime of a Lang delayed child early nursery was not beneficial, i would follow your instincts and wait a bit longer before starting her at nursery.

I think with regards the nursery do what you want. If you want to keep her home then do. Its your choice .
As for the language/speech delay thats the bit I think YABU about.
I would NOT worry yet. I would certainly not use that as a reason to keep her home. Its so so normal not to speak at 2 1/2.

I don't think you are bonkers at all.

All kids are different. I chose when to send them to a formal school/nursery setting. For my son that was at the age of 4 years and 9 months, my DD was 4 years and 3 months.

Before that they were with me 24/7.

The both took to school with ease and and very independant children now.

I cried every morning after dropping mine off at preschool for the first two terms. I miss her so much but I hide it and send her because I can see enjoys herself.

its hard op. you'll get there x

I have a 3.5 year old who stared preschool at start of September with significant speech delay. He is under an intensive programme. Naturally the first couple of week were tough and he was anxious but when he saw me being confident and excited about preschool then he followed my lead. His speech and communication is already improving. If he has a wobble I give him a huge huge and kiss, reassure him and leave as staying around makes him worse.

All children have to grow up and it's hard for parents seeing their children have to take steps without them. It's super important you don't project your anxiousness on your daughter and talk to he about how fun preschool will be.

Btw other kids in his preschool understand him better than most adults as kids at that age don't have in depth conversations they just want to play

My ds had a speech delay which meant he did not talk at 2.5 - 3 when he started nursery (as i was going to work). He was FINE great in fact and slowly over the next year he did start to catch up until at 5 he had pretty good speech. He does have some other delays now but they have never been an issue for him being at school/nursery he has always loved it.

Schools are great with little ones in my experience and I don't think a lack of speech will impact her much at all.

OlderMummy - it is worth remembering that you are not making an irrevocable decision. If you decide that your dd would be better off at home with you, until she is old enough for Reception, or if you decide to put her in nursery either part time or full-time - you can revisit that decision a few weeks or months down the line, and you think it isn't working for you and your dd, then you can change the arrangements.

Einstein didn't talk until he was 4

God how I hate hearing that. If I'd listened to that sort of rubbish my son would have been diagnosed with autism a lot later than he was (23 months)

But Vera, it does give some comfort to the mothers of late talking children who don't have autism.

Would you deny them that?

My DD started nursery PT from age 3. Before that I took her to groups everyday. I would say in hindsight that it did not really help her socialisation going only once per week to a different activity. Seeing someone once a week is not enough for socialising and making friends or it was not for her anyway. It's just not enough exposure to the same environment and people. Its fine to give mum and child something to do though.

Its the same for adults really, I mean, you may sign up for yoga once a week, but how often do you make a real friend from doing so.

When my DD did start nursery at age 3, 15 hrs a week it took her about 5 months to make friends. She was way behind the others with socialisation. She took a long time to be able to make friends and is still learning (in reception now).

To help speech and socialisation, I think some sort of peer interaction is needed at least twice per week but with the same children. Maybe cousins, neighbours, friends that sort of thing. Just hanging out is fine, or at a park.

Just IME. I'm going to do things differently with my younger child (that is another game though as they gain so much from being a younger sib).

Goldi i agree- peer socialisation is important, but can be achieved in different ways, not always at nursery.

VeraGrant sorry that offended you, but there are countless other parents reading this whose children are perfectly fine and just don't talk. Don't take it personally.

bigred- don't worry. I found it really helpful. I am the mother of a "gifted late talker" and did find some solace in the Einstein fact at the time.
That barely verbal 4 year old is now chair of the debating society at his high school and has a particular aptitude for language!!

"Einstein didn't start talking until age 4."

That's not true. When he was two his grandparents wrote to other family members and commented on Albert's “drollige Einfälle” (funny ideas) and when he was two and a half and his sister was born he complained that she didn't have wheels (he'd confused Mädle and Rädle).

He was by all accounts a quiet and withdrawn child who didn't talk much, but he was certainly talking in sentences between his second and third birthdays.

Tortoise the facts on Einstein are not clear either way.

What is true however that there are some gifted children who are slow to speech. It is an interesting phenomenon, and has been documented elsewhere.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to start letting go

Why? OP does not have to start letting go. If she decides to send her child to school at 5, then yes, she can "let go" then.

People seem to forget that most children didn't go to nursery until comparatively recently - certainly not where I lived (rural Scotland). We did plenty of socialising - visits to friends' houses for example - but children didn't start Primary 1 until aged five or over. We had a local playgroup but parents were welcome to go along to help, and I usually did.

My own four started school at 5 plus; they did just fine academically, and are highly sociable now as adults. They did lots of things at home; baking, gardening, outdoor play, painting, long walks - as well as learning to play contentedly on their own.

I can see there is huge pressure on parents to use nurseries now, since practically everyone does, but to those parents who don't need them for work purposes - they're not essential. Your child will thrive without them.

babyboomer- I totally agree, my kids ( Scotland) were well over 5 when they started school.

The OP's daughter is only 2 ffs!!