To feel so so sad that we have to go and look at a school tomorrow

[OlderMummy1]

I have a 2yo DD (3 in Jan). We are starting to look for schools for her as all of the open days are coming up over the next 2 weeks and we have about 7 to look at. I know I am lucky in that we are able to afford to send her to a private school so am not restricted by catchment areas etc.

Our 1st visit is tomorrow morning.....and I have been tearful all day. I finally had a meltdown this evening resulting in floods of tears and an argument with DH. The top and bottom of it is that I don't want her to go to school. I don't want her to be away from me most of the week and I shall be so sad without her.

I have a 7 month DS who (after a very rocky start) has now settled down and we all have very happy days together. I can't imagine them without my DD.

My DD has speech delay with no definite cause. Last Xmas she didn't have a single world. I have worked so hard with her and she is now on the lower end of the normal range. It's slow progress but we are getting there. The SALT lady has always said that she gets so much input from home from us and her extended family (that we see every day) that going to Nursery at a very young age wasn't necessary. However, all the doctors etc. who have seen her have said that going to Nursery would help her. One said that it would 'force' her to talk which made me feel sick. She doesn't choose not to talk, she tries her hardest. I don't want her to be forced into something that she cannot physically do.

I am worried that she would benefit from Nursery and that I am holding her back by not sending her. I gave into pressure when she was 2 and a bit. She went twice, both times crying for hours at a time. I did feel that the settling in process with too quick for her (1st visit I stayed, 2nd visit she stayed for 4 hours on her own!) She is fine when I am there but gets upset when I leave.

I have always tried to encourage independence, taking her to a different group every day, often taking a backseat and letting her do her own thing. She seems very confident in an environment she is familiar with. We also have a nanny for a morning a week and we have never had any trouble getting DD to stay with her.

I just have visions of her going to Nursery and no one understanding what she is trying to say or what she wants. Also, I know I have anxiety issues with my children after infertility and miscarriages so I worry when they are not with me.

I just will feel so sad when the day comes when I don't know what my child did or how she felt as I wasn't there. I feel like I am the most bonkers mother in the world :-(

My DS started nursery part time in the January after he was 3 (so a couple of months older than your DD) he was an extremely tiny, premmie (26 weeks and under a kilo) and was still developmentally delayed at 3 as well as speech delayed. We had been referred for SALT but hadn't got an appointment. I would say that most people couldn't understand him at 3 - even I could probably only understand about 50% of what he said.

Nursery staff were lovely with him and two afternoons a week was plenty at that point. At 3 its really just going and playing for a few hours twice a week - its not school!

Interestingly his speech improved quite dramatically in the first 6 months of going to nursery, which could have been having to make himself understood or it could just have been co-incidental.

Eitherway, I would certainly give it a go, you can take her out if it doesn't suit her nothing is written in stone, but be sure that whatever you do, it's to suit her not because you have your own (understandable) anxieties.

DS went 5 morning a year later which certainly helped him settle at school but every child is different. Don't anticipate a problem, just try it and see.

Plenty of kids don't go to nursery, it's not some sort of golden ticket into a world of being loquacious and a social butterfly. However, your concerns seems to be based on-

• You tried it briefly when she just turned two and she hated it
• You're worried about missing out and your own anxiety issues.

You're talking about trying to get her into a class when she's three; January, no? A lot can change in a year, she might enjoy it when she's that little bit older. What's the worst that can happen? She doesn't like it and you pull her out, ready to give it a go again in a few months' time. It's only a few mornings a week, plenty of time to do lovely things with you and DS.

You say, "I just will feel so sad when the day comes when I don't know what my child did or how she felt as I wasn't there". You have a nanny, and I assume leave both DD and DS alone with them or your DH at times. You're already doing it! When she has more verbal skills she'll be able to tell you these things. That might not happen solely because of nursery, but it will come with time from what you say.

"I just will feel so sad when the day comes when I don't know what my child did or how she felt as I wasn't there".

I will be honest and say I still feel that way, a bit - we know it is a natural part of life that, as they get older, we aren't with them all of the time, and so we have much less influence over and knowledge of their day-to-day activities. I am facing up to the fact that, this time next year, ds3, my youngest, will be heading off to university, and I will have none of them at home. I won't see any of them daily - and as ds1 will have graduated and will, hopefully, be starting his first job, he'll be moving out and starting his own life without even the expectation that he'll be home in the holidays.

I honestly didn't think I would feel too bad about the whole empty nest thing - but it is hitting me harder than I thought it would.

Yes SDTG - I think feeling bad you have to separate from your child is quite normal and maybe it isn't right for this child at this time but you don;t know until you try.

I think we all have to face up to the harsh reality that however we feel it's often right for our child so we grit our teeth and do it anyway and don;t visit our angst upon our child. We deserve a medal really don't we?

DS will be going on his school residential trip this time next year and I'm already stressing about it!

I wouldn't worry so much, of you don't want to send DD to nursery, then don't!

Wait a few months, they change so rapidly and what seems impossible now may be just normal in 3-4 months.

Don't worry too much about the speech delay, she is still very young. My DS didn't speak at all (he had 3 words, I think) at 26 months, then started nursery and within 5-6 months he was at normal speech level, speaking perfectly intelligibly in sentences, having bypassed the "stringing 2-3 words together" phase. I guess he just never had anything important to tell us until then.

I would wait - cancel your visit, or send your DH with DD and stay home yourself. You're clearly not in a suitable frame of mind to make good decisions on what's best for your DD in a school right now because it's so strongly coloured by "nothing is". Which is fine. She's two - it's vanishingly unlikely that any school would be right for a two year old!

I didn't look round schools for my dc until they were well past 3 - I wouldn't have had a clue what would be right for them.

"I can't imagine them without my DD."

They will be without your DD as she is now anyway. Toddlers grow up. Let it happen a bit more before worrying about the next step.

She will love it and ds will benefit from getting just him and mummy time that your dd had all the time - and having the luxury of starting a few mornings and building up it is perfect - and if she doesn't settle take her out until she is ready. But likely she will have a lovely time.

Ds has a speech delay - having talking peers helps him IMO and his speech therapy.

In all the posts there is a theme, whether they say 'go for it, it will be ok' or 'theres no rush, don't do it if you don't want to' ... They also say 'don't worry'.

I think the main thing to do here is don't worry too much - easier said than done I know! But if you're so worried and het up, and not critically important, I'd always go for the option that's going with your gut feel. And for most things, that means not the option that sends you into a flat spin...

I really feel parents worry unnecessarily about things like this. If you're all happy together at home, then keep it that way. There's no rush!

She's only 2, if you don't feel she's ready for nursery, don't send her. Try it again when she's 3, see how it goes. Or 4. Likewise school. You're looking at schools to plan, and consider what kind of school you might send her to, but if you decide at 4 to keep her at home until 5, or at 5 to home educate, then you can. Sounds like you and your DH have the luxury of choice, op, and can play it by ear and do what you think best for your dd. Which IS a luxury, believe me.

But yes, one day she will go off to school and you won't know what she did all day unless she tells you, (and she'll tell you 19 to the dozen until you beg for peace) and will have friends you don't know, and one day she will leave home, hopefully, and give you the edited version in a weekly call if you're lucky. It's called growing up. But it won't happen yet and you're right not to make her hurry it, let her be 2 for a while yet.

I think 7 schools is too many to visit. How about doing some research and then just visiting a couple.

I would visit all the schools and email them after explaining that you would like her to go through the entire school system (primary and secondary) in the year group below, rather then her actual year group. Ask if they would allow this

Then when you are ready send DD to nursery two mornings a week and keep it like that. Don't increase untitled September.

If you are going private, you will be able to choose to put her in an appropriate school year. If it's state, you will need statements and support from ed psychs

Saying that most kids with speech delay catch up.

OP
'lucky enough"

so the rest of us are unlucky? Or just principled maybe

I think that you are reading too much unto the speech delay. They are all different. My friend's child didn't say a single word until he was 5 yrs and then he spoke in complete sentences and never stopped! One of my children was very late speaking and then went to speech therapy, if you met my 3 DCs now you could not tell which one it was. It isn't a race.
Just see it as looking at schools for the future and being ready- when you send her is up to you.
Relax- enjoy her as she is now and don't get so worried about the future.

"Einstein didn't start talking until age 4."

If I had listened to that and all the tails of children not talking until 3 or 4, and now being articulate teenagers, my dd1 wouldn't have been diagnosed with poor hearing (treatable with grommets) and ds would not have started the SLT that he so desperately needs for speech dyspraxia.

Oldermummy1 - as you say, your dd's speech is now at the lower end of normal. You have done a great job encouraging her and teaching her. I do however feel you are really quite nervous and this could be easily projected onto your child. Whether you want to send her to nursery is entirely your and your family's business (after all school isn't compulsory until age five and even then there is the option of homeschooling). But please don't make your decision on what really are your own feelings of missing her. Make the decision that is best for her, not for you.

SPeak to the teachers about her speech. They will have met many children with speech problems and they may be able to reassure you.

I found it hard sending my ds with a very severe speech disorder to school, but now he is 6 and I see him running around the school yard with his friends, I know school is the best place for him.

*tale

I knew a DS with a terrible speech disorder - born with a cleft palate- the other children always knew what he was saying and used to interpret for adults.

The other children were the best thing for him- they were so accepting.

Delphiniumsblue - very true. Ds has a friend who looks so much bigger and tougher then him, and then they puts his arm around ds and translates what he is saying for the teacher.

Oh I wouldn't worry at all
Just keep her home until you & she feel ready to start nursery

We hear so much about the unpleasant side of children and school we forget, or don't know, how wonderful they can be. It would have been understandable for the parents to have been very protective of the child with the cleft palate ( who had other coordination problems) and he would never have known how helpful and friendly the other children could be.

The university prospectus's have just started arriving for eldest DD. now that is scary. never worried about her being at school but heartbroken that she will be going out into the big wide world and I wont see her every day. but this is it I guess, what we go through as parents and the loss only feels like a loss because we love them so much. the relationship changes when they go to school, even nursery but that is as it ever was and we have to deal with it.

Being a parent is the one job where you aim to make yourself redundant. You give them roots and give them wings- if you do it well they choose to come back. That is why you need a life that is not just children - it goes by so quickly. The next stage, when they have left home is just as exciting- if not more so!