To feel so so sad that we have to go and look at a school tomorrow

[OlderMummy1]

I have a 2yo DD (3 in Jan). We are starting to look for schools for her as all of the open days are coming up over the next 2 weeks and we have about 7 to look at. I know I am lucky in that we are able to afford to send her to a private school so am not restricted by catchment areas etc.

Our 1st visit is tomorrow morning.....and I have been tearful all day. I finally had a meltdown this evening resulting in floods of tears and an argument with DH. The top and bottom of it is that I don't want her to go to school. I don't want her to be away from me most of the week and I shall be so sad without her.

I have a 7 month DS who (after a very rocky start) has now settled down and we all have very happy days together. I can't imagine them without my DD.

My DD has speech delay with no definite cause. Last Xmas she didn't have a single world. I have worked so hard with her and she is now on the lower end of the normal range. It's slow progress but we are getting there. The SALT lady has always said that she gets so much input from home from us and her extended family (that we see every day) that going to Nursery at a very young age wasn't necessary. However, all the doctors etc. who have seen her have said that going to Nursery would help her. One said that it would 'force' her to talk which made me feel sick. She doesn't choose not to talk, she tries her hardest. I don't want her to be forced into something that she cannot physically do.

I am worried that she would benefit from Nursery and that I am holding her back by not sending her. I gave into pressure when she was 2 and a bit. She went twice, both times crying for hours at a time. I did feel that the settling in process with too quick for her (1st visit I stayed, 2nd visit she stayed for 4 hours on her own!) She is fine when I am there but gets upset when I leave.

I have always tried to encourage independence, taking her to a different group every day, often taking a backseat and letting her do her own thing. She seems very confident in an environment she is familiar with. We also have a nanny for a morning a week and we have never had any trouble getting DD to stay with her.

I just have visions of her going to Nursery and no one understanding what she is trying to say or what she wants. Also, I know I have anxiety issues with my children after infertility and miscarriages so I worry when they are not with me.

I just will feel so sad when the day comes when I don't know what my child did or how she felt as I wasn't there. I feel like I am the most bonkers mother in the world :-(

There is recent research (can't link on phone - Google it) that says that children who attend early years settings achieve on average 5 GCSEs at grade b and above .
Those who don't achieve 5 GCSEs at grade c and below
Early years education has a massive affect on children's futures
However, the op needs to decide for herself and be happy in her decision
Her dd will never settle in any setting while the op is feeling so anxious about the separation
Children aren't daft. They pick up on their parents anxieties.

Being a parent is the one job where you aim to make yourself redundant

Never heard this before but I love that phrase. It sums up everything about parenting really.

OP I wouldn't stress unnecessarily. DS1 had a significant speech problem...I say 'problem' rather than delay because 'delay' seems to imply they don't speak much. DS1 spoke constantly and his vocabulary was huge. But at age 3 his pronunciation was that of an 18month old. I was the only person who could fully understand him and was his constant interpreter. There was no reason...he was investigated for tongue tie and various other physical problems, as well as autism more than once.

He started school nursery at 3, the day after his birthday. This turned out to be the best decision I could have made for his speech, and for him being settled in school. The reason being that 'most' kids seem to start nursery in the September after they are 3. So when he started in the January in afternoons there were 6 kids in his class, with a teacher and two TA's. That amount increased to about 12 by the July (as kids turned 3 and joined)...but it was such a tiny class that they all had plenty of small group and 1:1 time for the first 6 months. The teachers that he would spend all of the next year with had chance to get used to his speech in a quieter environment, as opposed to him starting in September when there were 18 of them from the start.

A good nursery teacher makes the difference too. Ds's nursery teacher would get ds1 to show her things and draw her pictures when she really couldn't make out his speech, and if he told her something and she couldn't get a few words, she used to make a note of them phonetically and ask me at pick up time to translate. Ds's speech was more like a secret language you had to decifer because he dropped the ends of every single word. So at 100 miles an hour he'd say 'Ah we t th sho wi mu a I wa greh a I ha swee'...(I went to the shop with mum and it was great and I had sweets).

He's now 6 and his speech is perfect 90% of the time. I always know when he's tired though because his speech reverts and he'll start slurring his words and skipping the ends off some like he used to.

insancerre, if that is so then my kids should not have got their a's in school and gone on to get a 2:2 (DD) now teaching yr1's and a 2:1 (DS) now tech support for a company dealing with major motor manufacturers because they only went to a local playgroup from 2 and a half till school and never went near a nursery and went to the local (crap) comprehensive

Early years education only has a huge effect if the home life is poor in terms of speech, play etc - the statistics are not for those in the home who can educationally cover so much more on a one to one.
It is true that they will pick up your anxieties- Relax and enjoy is the most important thing.

Insan id like to see the link for that study - does the study relate to socially deprived areas only?

I think those percentages you mentioned actually have a more simpler explanation then attending/not attending an early years setting. I think attainment often boils down to parental economic class or the mothers level of education. In addition mostly high/mid earners can afford to use a nursery for toddlers - not every one can

Also a study said that little children who attend nursery are more aggressive and challenging to authority in primary school.

I wonder why this is?