tot hink its basic animal/human instinct to stick up for yourself when someone starts on you

[magicpixie]

got into a fight showdown yesterday with this idiot man out side a pub

the idiot nearly reversed into me, he couldnt have been looking what he was doing,he went up a lane of the car park where there was no spaces, except at the back, and decided to just start reversing with out looking he reversed back about 10m meters

of course I had to sound the horn other wise he was going to crash into me

so then he started shouting at me!!

so a shouting match kicked off.

then we both parked up
then as we where walking into the pub

he started coming over to us and started shouting at me again, saying idiot stuff like
I went berserk at him,
I said of course I sounded the horn you where about to crash into me
then he shouted oh dear

what he was saying when he was shouting was totally idiotic

his wife looked v embarrassed and ran off in front into the pub

then this shouting match carried on between me and this man
for a few mins
then dh grabbed me and pulled me out of the way asif he was stopping me from hitting him or something when I wouldn't have done anything of the sort
but I would do anything to defend myself

then dh said the man that's enough now

the man carried on

so dh rasied his voice and said I said that's enough and sort of raised both hands in the air, like in a hold up position
[you know like you see in films where the police say put your hands in the air]
a sort of give up sign

then the man started saying don't put your man up to me
to dh

then he started trying to shout again
and dh said for the third time I've told you that's enough

and then he actually piped down

however today dh told me I need to be careful
not to get myself into fights as the idiot was a "fat old bugger"
as if was in the wrong for simply sticking up for myself

I told him I cant help it self defence is a basic human instinct

Oh dear......

Nah I don't think fighting is a basic human instinct. It's your personality. I wouldn't of risen to it, not worth getting your knickers in a twist really.

YABU and you both sound as bad as each other.

sounds like the last thing either of you needed was a drink

why did you keep shouting at him? walk away

Yabu and all sound as terrible as each other. I would be hugely embarrassed to know any of you tbh.

Classy

I wouldn't have lowered myself to behaving like a fishwife. No wonder his wife walked away....

it's basic fight or flight reactions

I had no option but to sound the horn
or he would have crashed into us
and I do believe this is what the horn is for

he was the one that started shouting
he was the one that came over and started shouting at me when we had both parked up

plus his comments were utterly idiotic, like when I said, I had to sound the horn otherwise you have crashed into me
and he shouted oh dear!

I once shouted what the fuck are you looking at a woman who glared at me and my tantrumming ds.

My mum just looked at me with a raised eyebrow. She didn't need to say anything.

You have to just sit in a dark room now and just think about your behaviour.

I used to be inclined to be a bit fighty when I was a bit younger.
I've learnt through experience, that it doesn't get you anywhere, and feasibly you could be biting off a whole lot more than you can chew.

Have you considered that your dh may be scared that you will blow a bit of a slanging match up into a physical confrontation where he will feel obliged to protect you, getting hurt himself in the process?

Not another one.

OP: AIBU
MN: Yes
OP: No I'm not

What's the point?

Personally I actually agree with you. I think too many people take the supposed high ground (often out of fear) but actually end up giving the power to the aggressor. There is a lot of walking away and people feeling hard done by and pissed off after, I like to fight my corner and generally don't leave a situation thinking that I have been bullied because I will not allow it.

I also think women are unfortunately conditioned to take this kind of shit from 'big men' and have found then when you throw shit back they pipe down.

My husband gets annoyed because he thinks there is pressure on him to fight my battles or defend me but I disagree and never have that expectation of him. In fact, if he were to get involved I will always diffuse situation and leave.

It takes two to have a shouting match, you sound as chav as the reversing man.

thatwoman yes I think that's why dh said that to me
I've tried to explain its pure reactionary from me.

I bet if I just took dhs attitude of repeating over and over that's enough
he would have just carried on shouting at me

I think the fact he was actually shouting jibberish annoyed me more than anything
the idiotic stuff just didn't even make sense

He sounds like an idiot in his reaction to you sounding your horn to make him aware that you were there.

I wouldn't have engaged with him any further than that in the fear of also looking like an idiot.

Mamapain, actually I don't think it's any 'conditioning' of women to accept anything. I wouldn't, because I have some respect for myself not to behave like an idiot.

mamapain, totally agree what am I suppose to do, stand there like a twerp while he shouts at me, because he nearly reversed into me

and just stand there listening to his shouting when he's storming over to me

no, can't do it

Chav

Sometimes you just need to shout.

I think the thing is, that with people like that, you're not having a reasoned debate.
You can defend your corner and not let him get away with his aggression etc as much as you like.
But will he learn anything? No.
Will he do it again next time he's in a situation he doesn't like? You bet!

Do you feel any better for it? Maybe on one level.......but is it really worth the stress, unpleasantness, and possible physical danger? Once you think about it in the cold light of day -not really!

But, as an instinctive reaction, some of us are quick to anger and once fired up find it difficult not to retaliate -we're all made different.
So while I think you could have handled this better, I understand how it happens!

Try to think about how you must have looked to passers-by and ask yourself if you mind that.If you don't mind, well, ok.But if you do mind how you look when you anger like that, try not to let them do it to you, because people like that thrive on a showdown.

so I'm a chav and a fish wife
because I didn't just stand there like a well behaved woman listening to idiot shout at me
'conditioning' of women is spot on

perhaps I should have let him crash into me!!

LadyLuck, I absolutely do believe women are conditioned to be the victims of men. I also cannot see how you equate having respect for yourself with allowing someone to speak/treat you in such a horrible way.

It sounds similar to people who say they don't sleep around because their expect themselves. Yes some who are very promiscuous do so because they have little self-respect but many do it because they enjoy it. So yes some people who are getting into fights and publicly behave like an idiot do so as a result of low self-respect but many people have a high level of self respect and will not accept such treatment.

So many times I have read on mn, posts from distraught women who feel vulnerable and humiliated because they have had someone, usually a man, make a comment or verbally abuse them, privately or in public, and they have been to scared, anxious or lacking in confidence to respond. Surely that is a demonstration of the fact that they are only ignoring and walking away because of little self-respect.

I am not some harpy feminist who blames it all on the mens but this is clearly an issue more prevalent amongst women, maybe because women seem to be more likely to experience public verbal abuse but again maybe that is more common because they are less likely to respond.

And also probably less likely to be able to defend themselves should verbal turn to physical mama.

Mamapain what exactly would you achieve by getting into a heated argument with someone? This man started shouting immediately, does it make sense to engage with him. I wouldn't have and not because I'm 'conditioned'.
I have enough sense to judge a situation and react. The op sounded her horn to warn him that he was getting too close. When he started shouted she should have ignored and left.

mamapain is spot on
"I also cannot see how you equate having respect for yourself with allowing someone to speak/treat you in such a horrible way."
well said

that woman, I do hear what you are saying, but yes, I felt better for defending myself

the worse bit was the way he stormed over to me after we both carked as he had to go well out of his way to come over to me

he was the aggressor