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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

tot hink its basic animal/human instinct to stick up for yourself when someone starts on you

90 replies

magicpixie · 29/09/2014 21:46

got into a fight showdown yesterday with this idiot man out side a pub

the idiot nearly reversed into me, he couldnt have been looking what he was doing,he went up a lane of the car park where there was no spaces, except at the back, and decided to just start reversing with out looking he reversed back about 10m meters

of course I had to sound the horn other wise he was going to crash into me

so then he started shouting at me!!

so a shouting match kicked off.

then we both parked up
then as we where walking into the pub

he started coming over to us and started shouting at me again, saying idiot stuff like
I went berserk at him,
I said of course I sounded the horn you where about to crash into me
then he shouted oh dear

what he was saying when he was shouting was totally idiotic

his wife looked v embarrassed and ran off in front into the pub

then this shouting match carried on between me and this man
for a few mins
then dh grabbed me and pulled me out of the way asif he was stopping me from hitting him or something when I wouldn't have done anything of the sort
but I would do anything to defend myself

then dh said the man that's enough now

the man carried on

so dh rasied his voice and said I said that's enough and sort of raised both hands in the air, like in a hold up position
[you know like you see in films where the police say put your hands in the air]
a sort of give up sign

then the man started saying don't put your man up to me
to dh

then he started trying to shout again
and dh said for the third time I've told you that's enough

and then he actually piped down

however today dh told me I need to be careful
not to get myself into fights as the idiot was a "fat old bugger"
as if was in the wrong for simply sticking up for myself

I told him I cant help it self defence is a basic human instinct

OP posts:
usualsuspect333 · 29/09/2014 22:35

If someone shouts at me,then I'm going to shout back.

magicpixie · 29/09/2014 22:36

"she should have ignored and left"

we went there to meet friends, who know I'm the most laid back non aggressive person you could meet,yet I will defend myself, why on earth should I leave when I have done nothing wrong

this is so so messed up

OP posts:
mamapain · 29/09/2014 22:37

ThatBloodyWoman, that is true. It;s hard perspective for me to understand because, for one reason or another I just don't have that fear. I mean that in a sympathetic way rather than as a negative comment, I don't think to not physically want to tackle someone is a weakness, but because it isn't something I experience much, especially if I'm angry I do forget that can be a problem Blush Although I will maintain most of these men are not really wanting to go down that route and quickly pipe down when challenged.

usualsuspect333 · 29/09/2014 22:38

Calling people 'chavs' makes you sound like an idiot.

ThatBloodyWoman · 29/09/2014 22:39

Exactly.
He was the aggressor.
You were right and he was wrong.
Yet he had no problem with aggressively verbally attacking you.
He is an unreasonable person, and one I would be worried might proper kick off.

Like I say, I really can understand the instinctive reaction of yours -I'm just suggesting caution in these situations.

magicpixie · 29/09/2014 22:40

anyone that uses the word chav is an idiot I totally agree.
horrible word

OP posts:
magicpixie · 29/09/2014 22:43

even the way he stormed over to me was aggressive

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 29/09/2014 22:43

Oh yes mama totally get where you're coming from.
Its taken me years and a couple of dodgy situations to appreciate that my gob (which can take on most average tossers) isn't backed up by my 5 ft nothingness.... [grib]

Silverdaisy · 29/09/2014 22:43

You were right to sound your horn to let him know you were there.

I don't see this as a gender issue. If it had been a woman I would not have engaged in an argument either.

ThatBloodyWoman · 29/09/2014 22:44

What am I like with my [grib].....

mamapain · 29/09/2014 22:45

LadyLuck, I would feel vindicated and fulfilled and not bullied. There is so much evidence out there which shows how being a victim is harmful for someone. It knocks your confidence, it leaves emotional scarring etc We don't expect children to put up with being so poorly treated but as adults we should? It does not make any sense to me.

Someone starts screaming at you when you're in the right and you should just take it? Unless they were waving an axe at me or something where it was clear that the situation has escalated to being very dangerous then I would absolutely confront them.

magicpixie · 29/09/2014 22:46

anyway, I'm going to bed now, but imo
too many people just walk away

too many bystanders turn a blind eye to crap, because they don't want to get involved
not talking about in this instance, talking about when people stand by and do nothing when someones attacked etc

even to the point people daren't challenge someone for dropping rubbisj=h or not cleaning up there dogs poo etc

be interesting to see what the womens right section think to this thread, might link it before bed

anyway I shall think on about your comments thatwoman and mama

OP posts:
tethersend · 29/09/2014 22:50

YABU and I'll deck anyone who says otherwise.

ThatBloodyWoman · 29/09/2014 23:00

Its an interesting point.
I agree, there are times when bad behaviour does need challenging.

A lone woman being attacked by a bloke -yes, I'd take a chance.
A dodgy looking bloke not clearing up his dogs poop late at night -I'd leave someone else to take that one on.

'Tis all a judgement call.

whois · 29/09/2014 23:11

Someone starts screaming at you when you're in the right and you should just take it?

You don't have to 'take it' but do you really think that after screaming back at them they will think "oh, you know what, that nice woman who I was shouting at made some really good points when she was shouting back at me. I was so wrong to have done x in the first place and even more wrong to have been aggressive with her"

No. The answer is no they won't. You have nothing to gain and everything to loose. You can be assertive without being aggressive back, and knowing what is worth fighting for.

Oh I'm sorry, we don't like the word chav on here. Chav: nounBRITISHinformalderogatory
a young lower-class person typified by brash and loutish behaviour and the wearing of (real or imitation) designer clothes.

Yeah, you were both loud and brash and loutish. Not sure if either of you were wearing knock off designer clothing though.

whois · 29/09/2014 23:12

tethersend very funny!

Handsup · 29/09/2014 23:40

If somebody attempts to belittle me I turn into horrible nutjob, not backing down until I'm satisfied my corner has been fought.
These venomous rows have always involved men & cars (driving, local mechanics, salesmen.
I have issues about being portrayed or feeling a victim partly because I was bullied by an ex many years ago and since then vowed nobody would overpower me again. Common sense tells me walking away is the safest and perhaps the healthiest option but I just can't Sad

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 29/09/2014 23:57

I might have responded with a 'I beg your bloody pardon?' But I do have a very bossy posh voice when narked.

Szeli · 30/09/2014 07:23

If someone shouted nonsense at me I might talk back to them; often they feel ridiculous shouting at someone talking and wind it in. I'm not about to start shouting back and aggrivate someone who finds it acceptable to behave like that further.

ywnbu to sound your horn in the firsr instance tho - indeed that is what it is for

combust22 · 30/09/2014 07:28

I had an incident with a driver like this. He came screaming through red lights and hit my car.

He got out and started verbally abusing me. I was able to calm and collect myself, ignore the abuse and got details of three witnesses at the scene who told police it was his fault not mine.

It cost him £14K for my whiplash and damage to my car.

poolomoomon · 30/09/2014 07:39

It's personality. I'm not a confrontational or shouty person at all. I don't raise my voice, never get aggressive because that's just not how I deal with things. I would be more likely to ignore and walk away because it actually winds most people up more seeing they haven't got to you. And they don't get to me, I leave it there behind me rather than sitting and letting it fester as you STILL are even though you had it out with him. What did it solve? Nothing. You both got stressed out, likely ruined both of your evenings and now you're still sitting mulling it over.

It's easier and classier for ANYONE regardless of gender to just walk away and ignore. If you really needed to say anything to him at least do it in a normal talking tone. It's passive aggressive but gives you the moral high ground.

magicpixie · 30/09/2014 07:44

I'm not still festering over him at all

I'm thinking about what dh said not that idiot

OP posts:
magicpixie · 30/09/2014 07:45

anyway, I've got to get on.

school run joy calls

OP posts:
Sunna · 30/09/2014 07:48

There's being assertive and there's having a slanging match.

I'm in my 60s and have never had a slanging match in public. You made a show of yourself and embarrassed your DH.

ItsNotEasyBeingGreen · 30/09/2014 07:51

It depends, I think it's in all of us but buried deeper in others. I'm not a 'fighter' generally but I have a temper and will react when I'm concerned for my safety or the safety of those around me. I also don't cope well with rudeness - I have a habit of telling people if I feel they are being rude, aggressive, twatish.

I too would have beeped if I thought he hadn't seen me and was going to hit me. If he then started on me I would have reacted but I don't think I would have let it carry on as long as you seemed to. And to a certain extent it's a good job your DH was there to shut the pair of you up.

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