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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

tot hink its basic animal/human instinct to stick up for yourself when someone starts on you

90 replies

magicpixie · 29/09/2014 21:46

got into a fight showdown yesterday with this idiot man out side a pub

the idiot nearly reversed into me, he couldnt have been looking what he was doing,he went up a lane of the car park where there was no spaces, except at the back, and decided to just start reversing with out looking he reversed back about 10m meters

of course I had to sound the horn other wise he was going to crash into me

so then he started shouting at me!!

so a shouting match kicked off.

then we both parked up
then as we where walking into the pub

he started coming over to us and started shouting at me again, saying idiot stuff like
I went berserk at him,
I said of course I sounded the horn you where about to crash into me
then he shouted oh dear

what he was saying when he was shouting was totally idiotic

his wife looked v embarrassed and ran off in front into the pub

then this shouting match carried on between me and this man
for a few mins
then dh grabbed me and pulled me out of the way asif he was stopping me from hitting him or something when I wouldn't have done anything of the sort
but I would do anything to defend myself

then dh said the man that's enough now

the man carried on

so dh rasied his voice and said I said that's enough and sort of raised both hands in the air, like in a hold up position
[you know like you see in films where the police say put your hands in the air]
a sort of give up sign

then the man started saying don't put your man up to me
to dh

then he started trying to shout again
and dh said for the third time I've told you that's enough

and then he actually piped down

however today dh told me I need to be careful
not to get myself into fights as the idiot was a "fat old bugger"
as if was in the wrong for simply sticking up for myself

I told him I cant help it self defence is a basic human instinct

OP posts:
combust22 · 30/09/2014 07:52

sunna- I agree, shouting and arguing in public is ugly- no matter if it is a man or a woman.

Rise above it- one person can't have an argument on their own.

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 07:53

OP responded when the man pursued and shouted at her. If she'd walked off into the pub, don't you all think he would have followed her?

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 07:53

It's humiliating being shouted at publically and this man knows that.

merrymouse · 30/09/2014 07:57

Yes, it is basic human instinct.

However, the more evolved part of your brain is supposed to kick in at some point and say:

"Where are am I going with this? I am unlikely to change this person's behaviour by kicking off, nobody else has a clue what is going on and I will probably be asked to leave in a minute, if it gets physical it is likely that I will end up in a hospital or a police station. My best course of action is to take the moral high ground by calmly walking away."

Bouttimeforwine · 30/09/2014 08:04

The general passerby would not have seen who started it. They would have just seen two idiots having a slanging match...

Agree you should have sounded the horn. When he first came over a calm and started yelling. "you were going to hit my car" then walk away. You have stated your case. End of.

Bouttimeforwine · 30/09/2014 08:04

merry Grin

Bouttimeforwine · 30/09/2014 08:05

more evolved part of your brain is supposed to kick in

Grin
ArgyMargy · 30/09/2014 08:06

He was probably annoyed that you hadn't started reversing already - you could obviously see there was no spaces for either of you. Why didn't you move out of his way? Well, congratulations for winning the slanging match. Go you.

Whoopsadazy · 30/09/2014 08:17

I don't tend to get into arguments much - more out of a fear someone will report me to my employer than anything else!

I did have a set to with a man in tesco car park though. He was an utter know. He'd parked like a dick then kicked off on me, calling me a "stupid fucking bitch" because I'd parked in the next bay to him. He really pissed me off because there is no way he would've spoken to another man like that but it was fine to speak to me like that because I was a lone female in prissy office wear and obviously looked like an easy target for his rage.

I told him quite clearly, and calmly to go and fuck himself, that he was a shitbag, had small man syndrome and was a fucking knob. All delivered with a smile on my face and in a low voice for the benefit of bystanders. He dint know what to say and just muttered and got in his car. I find speaking calmly is more scary for these people - they expect rage so wrong footing them is a good tactic.

There's no way on this earth I'm going to let a man call me a stupid fucking bitch and just walk away thinking "oh well at least I'm superior to him".

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/09/2014 08:22

I'm a bit like you magic - if someone shouts at me my instinct is to shout back. But I don't think it's the best way to handle the encounter. I don't think you should back down, but I have found that I come out better in general if I can stand my ground without shouting or getting worked up. Reacting by shouting increases all the wrong hormones inside and takes away some of your ability to be rational. The more you can control yourself, the more you can really direct the situation.

Also, nothing humiliates a shouting man more than the cold steely glare of a someone clearly not intimidated by them, but with more self control. Then when the shouting has died down state your position clearly, don't wait for a response and walk off. It's far more a "win" than a shouting match.

Agree that women are conditioned to walk away a bit too much, but also that a shouting match isn't a better alternative.

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 08:25

The evolved part of the man's brain clearly didn't kick in during the time both were parking as he came back at the OP then to shout some more.

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 08:27

The man also continued shouting at OP's DH when he used a calm voice.

So in fact both the "walking away" (parking elsewhere) and the "calm voice" tactics were used in this encounter.

LadyLuck10 · 30/09/2014 08:30

YY to merrymouse and poolo

Yonic why be concerned about the man's 'brain'? You can't control that, only your actions?

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 08:33

Because OP was being berated for not using the evolved part of her brain!

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 08:35

I'm assuming that after OP beeped her horn, she and man wound done their windows for the shouting. They then stopped and parked and he still went back to her.

Do you really think if she'd driven off and parked whilst he was shouting the first time, he wouldn't have come over to her anyway?

Bouttimeforwine · 30/09/2014 08:35

Obviously the man was a knob and was not using the evolved part of his brain, but that doesn't mean that the op shouldn't have done either.

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 08:36

Wound down, not wound done!

merrymouse · 30/09/2014 08:40

I wasn't berating her. Everyone has a fight or flight response.

However LadyLuck is right. You can't communicate with somebody in 'lizard brain' mode by shouting, whether they are 2 or 42. The fact that it is quite difficult to respond calmly to a shouty person doesn't make it more effective to shout back.

I can understand why the OP got so angry, but in the end her DH was right.

Fluffyears · 30/09/2014 08:41

If someone acts like that I treat them like a tantrumming child. I cross my arms and raise and eyebrow and then ask when they stop
To draw breath,'are you quite finished yet you're showing yourself up!'

Trying to argue with an idiot is like trying to smell colours and I won't waste my time!

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 30/09/2014 08:46

Op if someone shouted at me they would get the same back. You can't let bullies get away with it!

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 08:48

When people "walk away", don't you think they are just following the "flight" rather than "fight" reflex?

merrymouse · 30/09/2014 08:50

I also think the DH was justifiably concerned that if tension was ramped up further the other guy was going to try and sort it out man to man outside.

merrymouse · 30/09/2014 09:05

When people "walk away", don't you think they are just following the "flight" rather than "fight" reflex?

Does it matter? nobody ever got charged with GBH or causing an affray for walking away.

You don't know why somebody is acting the way they are acting. Perhaps they have just escaped from prison and have some kind of illegal weapon in the boot. Perhaps they have just had an awful shock (lost job, bereavement, spouse left) and are taking their feelings out on a random person in a car park.

The chances of you teaching a stranger any kind of lesson by having a shouting match are pretty non-existent. The chances of you defusing the situation by talking calmly or letting the tantrum run its course are very high.

Roussette · 30/09/2014 09:16

Respect! Whoops. And totally agree with other PPs on here who say that shouting back just does not work with pondlife like this. I will never stand there like a fishwife effing and blinding as you just look as bad as the person who is in the wrong. And they never listen, they are too busy swearing.

I would stand there quietly whilst the person made a complete tool of himself/herself, and then quietly, calmly after a short pause and with my best icy stare say something like "Good morning. Now you have finished your screaming rant after nearly reversing into me, I will leave you to enjoy the rest of your day. By the way, I suggest you get your blood pressure checked out. With your weight and stress levels, it could be dangerously high."

YonicScrewdriver · 30/09/2014 09:22

And you don't think that would be more inflammatory than shouting back, Rousette?

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