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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About not "lending" my friend money

117 replies

TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 14:09

A very good friend of mine is struggling money wise at the moment. The friendship has always been rather even and fair, both putting equal effort in. She and her partner don't do shared finances, they have livid together for a few years, she won't ask her partner for money.
So she was moaning to me that she is short for the rent this month, she's been ill, and I was happy to offer the shortfall, a few hundred. I don't expect it back, even though she has offered to pay it back. However she had a expensive day out yesterday, her and her partner, and then she called me asking when I give her the money, no please or thank you. It's left me feeling rather used to be honest, the day out easily would of covered the rent, think theme park then night in 5* spa hotel, I know it's not a prize or gift, it was sorted out after I offered the shortfall in rent. Am I being unreasonable to not give her money now?

OP posts:

YoYoYooooo · 30/09/2014 16:52

cingolimama. Lol, I think a lot of the posters used to think that you could lend money but having done so no longer agree.

I'm yet another poster who has been badly burnt by helping someone out. They promised to pay us back but choose not to.

AMumInScotland · 30/09/2014 16:56

cingolimama I think it depends on why they are asking for it - if there is a valid reason why they are short, just temporarily, and they should be in a position to pay it back within a reasonable timescale, then I would take the chance on lending it.

If I don't think there's any real chance of them being in a position to pay it back, then it would depend if I was ok with the prospect of not getting it back, and I'd be thinking of it as a gift for someone who was in trouble rather than a loan.

And, if I thought they were not behaving responsibly with their money, I'd be more likely to try to offer practical suggestions than just lend them more, because I don't think that solves the real problem.

Pagwatch · 30/09/2014 16:57

Cingolimama

That's a bit smug and an odd spin to put on the sad reality of some peoples experience.

I have lots of lovely friends. Unfortunately the kind of friends who ask you for money are rather more likely to be the ones who allow themselves to distance themselves from the friendship if money is involved .

I have several friends I have given money to. If I know someone needs something I will buy it or if someone is short I send them some - assuming of course that they won't be offended.
just don't give money I can't afford to lose and I don't give expecting 100% that it will be returned.

Bulbasaur · 30/09/2014 17:32

cingolimama
It really does depend on the friend and the reason. I've had it go both ways. I've lent money and never heard from the person again. I've also been repaid as soon as payday as promised.

I've also borrowed and payed it all back as soon as I got the chance.

There's no one size fits all with lending money. It's very subjective and varies depending on the circumstances.

I think the general rule of thumb is to give money without really expecting it back if you're going to lend at all.

cingolimama · 30/09/2014 18:05

Pag, I'm not being smug and I'm not putting a "spin" on sad reality (which makes a lot of assumptions about me, but hey...). I'm disagreeing with the consensus here, and saying that my experience with borrowing and lending money has been a pretty normal thing to do and overwhelmingly positive.

I agree with you though about not giving money you can't afford to lose.

Bearbehind · 30/09/2014 18:16

I could understand the OP's train of thought leading her to think the DP is potentially abusive if it wasn't for one thing...the fact the 'friend' rang to ask when the OP was paying up and wasn't remotely appreciative of it.

If she was in a bad situation with her DP surely she'd be more grateful/ embarrassed about it all?

I fear the DP is complicit in it all and when he heard there was money coming their way for the rent he decided they deserved a treat as the pressure was off.

dustarr73 · 30/09/2014 18:23

I think the friend is trying her luck and is "using" the bf as an exscuse.I wouldnt lend the money to her.And ive lent money to my friends and vice versa.

It just seems to be very convienent shes short of the rent money when you get a windfall you werent expecting.Bt maybe im a cynic.

Pagwatch · 30/09/2014 18:40

Ok,
I wasn't making assumptions about you though, I was responding to the tone of your post which was a bit 'well my friends are all nice lovely people ' as if those of is who are on the bad side of an experience just have shit friends.

When it happens and it's someone you thought you knew reasonably well it's shitty enough without any 'oh well, you just are a bad choice of character' thrown in.

MrsPiggie · 30/09/2014 18:48

cingolimama, I'm not against lending to friends either. I wouldn't refuse a friend in need but I only loan if I can easily afford it. I had one bad experience but it didn't put me off for life.

cingolimama · 30/09/2014 22:18

Pag, don't wish to ping pong this discussion, but my post was more about my incredulity at the unanimous cries of "never ever ever never lend anyone money".

Good for you MrsP.

Sunna · 01/10/2014 08:01

My motto (gleaned from my father) is to never lend more than you can afford to lose.

I have been burned by someone I thought would never let me down but the amount I lost was less than she asked for because I only loaned what I could afford to lose. It could have been worse.

SlimJiminy · 01/10/2014 09:15

cingolimama I would never lend to my best friend, who is notoriously awful with money, because I value our friendship too much and couldn't risk falling out if it wasn't paid back. I know what she's like with money and tbh I don't see why I should watch the pennies in order to bail her out because she's too scatty to think about her finances. She knows this. We've talked about it. She's never asked me for money, so at the moment it's a non-issue. Where other friends are concerned, I either like them too much to risk the friendship, or I don't like them enough to lend to in the first place. So it just wouldn't happen. So my stance remains the same as it always has, but not without careful consideration: never lend money to friends.

However, I have lent money to a family member when he was completely up shit creek. But only on the condition that if he couldn't afford to pay it back, he didn't have to. I gave it to him, but he insisted on paying it back, which was fine. I wouldn't 'lend' anything I couldn't afford to lose. And I'd only do that for a very small number of direct family members (including DH's family).

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 09:21

I have given, but not loaned.

2rebecca · 01/10/2014 10:35

Lending her the money would have helped perpetuate her unequal relationship. At the moment she isn't covering her costs. If she needs a temporary loan then partner and family should be first. If her partner won't help her then that says alot about the relationship, although if she's been off work for a while he maybe thinks she needs encouragement to get working again and is possibly reluctant to have her financially dependant on him.
It sounds as though she is now better so hopefully can reapply for jobs again. As she has a partner she shares a flat with then the rent should be a joint cost anyway otherwise they are flat mates not partners.

whatever5 · 01/10/2014 10:54

I would be very suspicious of the fact that she has asked you for money just when she knows you have received some from your DF and she is now hassling you for it without even seeming grateful. I know you offered originally but it seems like you were walked into offering with her sob story about being ill, not being able to pay rent etc.

I would only believe that she needs the money because her DP is abusive if you have previously suspected this. I may be cynical and admittedly I don't know your friend, but as an outsider, it all seems like a bit of a set up.

Thumbwitch · 01/10/2014 15:19

I still don't see how she manages to lose the rest of her money to her DP if they don't share finances. I wouldn't be meekly handing over my entire income to anyone else after paying the rent, that's batshit!

2rebecca · 01/10/2014 16:03

Agree, but I don't think a woman with such unfeminist 1950s housewife views on gender roles would be a friend of mine.

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