Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not "lending" my friend money

117 replies

TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 14:09

A very good friend of mine is struggling money wise at the moment. The friendship has always been rather even and fair, both putting equal effort in. She and her partner don't do shared finances, they have livid together for a few years, she won't ask her partner for money.
So she was moaning to me that she is short for the rent this month, she's been ill, and I was happy to offer the shortfall, a few hundred. I don't expect it back, even though she has offered to pay it back. However she had a expensive day out yesterday, her and her partner, and then she called me asking when I give her the money, no please or thank you. It's left me feeling rather used to be honest, the day out easily would of covered the rent, think theme park then night in 5* spa hotel, I know it's not a prize or gift, it was sorted out after I offered the shortfall in rent. Am I being unreasonable to not give her money now?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 16:47

She is rude as fuck, Tweed. Entitled brat. I have been so skint I had to borrow to pay my rent, no partner, either, I was single in a country with no benefits system and I was working temp jobs and zero hours. I was grovelling to the mate who loaned me about £100 to cover, not ringing her up demanding, no please or thank you. FFS. Couldn't pay her back enough, with interest.

She will wheedle out of any questions you ask because that is what pisstakers do.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/09/2014 16:49

Yanbu when she offered to pay you back, I would have accepted, not tell her not to worry. Just because you lent in the past does not mean you have to keep doing it. Just say no, you cannot afford to anymore. If she goes off in a sulk, then you have yoyr answer.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/09/2014 16:49

Is it possible that the partner is in some way financially abusive? Abusive men sometimes do go in for big gestures like a poncy day out, even though their female partners need money for things like the gas bill or new shoes for the DC.
Obviously you know your friend - if she has a history of reckless spending or whatever it's a different issue, but if this seems out of character then it might be worth exploring.

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 16:49

Who cares if she saw it? It's yours, not hers. It's none of her business what you did with it. You don't owe her anything.

'We no longer have it to spare. It's now tied up.'

I have friends whom I know have millions. Would not dream of sponging off them.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/09/2014 16:51

Or ok just say no you don't want to lend anymore money.

YoYoYooooo · 29/09/2014 16:53

We were asked for a last minute loan for a few thousand by BIL to help pay for his wedding. (Flashy London wedding with kazillions of bridesmaids etc) We were very clear it was a loan, they were very clear they knew it was a loan. The following year they went on a fancy holiday and did a big building project. We never got our money back.

It was as though we were the villains asking for the money back. I have had to let it go as its my DHs family but it makes me so angry. How can people like that sleep at night. Sad

If you are having any doubts now I would not lend her the money. I would explain why - if she doesn't like it then you will know she isn't a real friend. It's really cheeky of her

Pensionerpeep · 29/09/2014 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 16:58

I'd probably say "I offered because I assumed you were on your uppers. Since your big day out, I'm getting the impression that's not the case, so I reckon I need it more than you do. Unless you want to talk about why your partner isn't the one you're going to with this?"

It sounds like you're now worrying that he's financially controlling? Since she wouldn't ask him to help out?

I guess it depends if it's that, or if she doesn't like to admit that she's been stupid and irresponsible even though he wouldn't be abusive about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/09/2014 17:00

You are her friend, not her bank, stop letting her treat you like one!

SlimJiminy · 29/09/2014 17:05

I've RTFT and cannot agree more with the very first response. Don't lend her the money. Don't feel like you have to justify your decision. Just don't do it.

My very best friend in the whole world is AWFUL with her finances. Shockingly awful. not helped by being bailed out by her parents so not actually having to face the consequences of bad financial management/decision-making

I would never lend her money. I like her too much!

petswinprizes · 29/09/2014 17:07

I'd tell her you assumed she no longer needed it having seen her big day out.

Exactly what I'd do.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/09/2014 17:08

Ah, so she witnessed your dad giving you money, did she? Hmm Chances are she saw that gift being given to you and thought 'I fancy a bit of that'. Don't lend the money. If you do, you're being taken for a mug.

MrsPiggie · 29/09/2014 17:12

If she's a very good friend than you should be able to ask her what it's all about. Her DP was probably never told she's in financial difficulty and he paid for a fancy day out - not his fault, hers, she should have told him she's skint. Maybe she's got a very good reason not to ask him, maybe not. Find out and make up your mind accordingly.

Original poster
TweedAddict · 29/09/2014 17:18

Well going to meet up with her later on. I do think there too this then what I first thought, she's normally very good with money, but with her being ill it doesn't make sense for her not too ask her partner.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 29/09/2014 17:23

she's clearly too proud to tell him she's short.

But not too proud to sponge off a friend it appears, Alex.

Littlef00t · 29/09/2014 17:29

Outrageous! I hate people like this!

As you have agreed I think you'll have to still lend, but do make a big deal that she should be asking partner first rather than friends and it's not an equal partnership if he doesn't help her out when she's ill.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2014 17:46

What does your husband think, OP? Could you say that he was horrified that she was asking for money when they clearly had enough for a day out and that he was refusing to give any money to her?

BuggersMuddle · 29/09/2014 17:46

Something smells a bit off. I'm assuming she's short because she's a temp / contractor / freelance and therefore doesn't get sick pay?

In that case, if she's 'good with money' why can't she put her hands on a few hundred quid?

Unless he work literally only covers the rent and no more, she should surely have known that this could happen.

That said, going for an expensive day out is taking a piss a bit and I think if you're lending her money you're entitled to ask her about it.

Not being able to tell her DP is most odd too.

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/09/2014 18:24

I'd always help a friend out if I can but if asked for money to pay the rent and then the friend was splashing money on a fancy day out the offer wouldn't be there anymore. How could anybody do that with a clean conscious, it's beyond cheeky.

Heels99 · 29/09/2014 18:28

Don't give her the money

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2014 18:29

You meet up with her she will wheedle the money. It's as good as spunked. I really need to find some marks and make up some sob stories. Been doing it wrong for years. Seen so many mugs on here. One poster loaned a work colleague thousands. She will never see it again.

JumpAndTwist · 29/09/2014 18:33

If he is financially abusing her, as you seem to suspect now, DO NOT GIVE HER THE MONEY. All you would be doing is enabling her to avoid dealing with the real issue (and giving him money, in effect). Direct her here and to Women's Aid.

If she has developed a passion for high fashion / online bingo / steak for breakfast then DO NOT GIVE HER THE MONEY. All you would be doing is enabling her to avoid dealing with the real issue.

phantomnamechanger · 29/09/2014 18:36

do not help her out.
a genuine emergency, yes, but she is taking the p big time.

I can never understand people like this, getting their priorities all screwed up and expecting everyone else to bail them out. And if they have been together 6 years and do not discuss their finances, I don't see them surviving long term. You are actually NOT doing her a favour if you DO give/lend her the money. She will carry on feeling entitled to cadge off others, while frittering her money away on treats.

Littlef00t · 29/09/2014 18:44

I've thought about it more and I have a friend who have separate finances. She wouldn't understand the issue with going on a fancy weekend when skint if it was funded by dp who had the money. She thinks she's sorted her responsibilities by asking you, and wouldn't see why she should have to ask her dp.

I think you do need to have a proper conversation with her about her arrangement.

cruikshank · 29/09/2014 18:48

Look, she's a good friend, so presumably you can talk to her. I would just say that you now feel a bit uncomfortable about lending her the money because you know she must have had some to spare to have this luxury day out; that you had agreed to lend it on the basis that she was so skint she couldn't pay her rent.

It's tricky, situations like this. I have a very dear friend, a truly lovely woman, who is just absolutely shit with money. She has plenty of cash coming in (I know because she's discussed figures with me (I don't discuss mine with her)) but she's forever getting the emergency fiver on the meter, not able to cook because the meter's run out, constantly in arrears with the rent etc - I mean, real crisis situation stuff, so that various of us have helped her out by topping up her key, lending her rent money, buying food for her and her kids etc. I've stopped doing that now though, because last year she had three holidays, one of which was abroad, loads of gadgets in the house, buys big expensive tellies etc. So she's not poor; she's just shit with money. I love her to bits, but that's the truth of it, and helping her out with money is just like chucking ££s into a bottomless pit. I think there comes a point where you just have to extricate yourself from situations if they start to make you feel uncomfortable, and helping my friend out definitely made me feel like that - it wasn't that she couldn't afford the basics, it's that she was spending money that should have gone on them on bloody holidays.